SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The first months after DDay, I just wanted the pain to stop.

Each time I traveled over a bridge I was tempted to open the car door and jump - subways and trains were the same.

I told myself it was normal and would go away.

When my savings ran out last month, and the final decree wasn't signed yet - I wanted to jump again.

This time I didn't accept it as normal.

I'm on AD's now, diagnosed with depression, PTSD, anxiety.

It's my 8oo pound gorilla.

But I'm gonna shrink that SOB. With help

I have read all of these posts and find a little of me in all of them. When it was my turn to attempt, I had no control. It came over me so quickly that I did not see it coming. That is what scares me most. I have contemplated other self destructive acts as well...recovering morphine/heroin addict of 33 years clean...almost every day is a struggle now...sometimes I am angry at FWW for putting me in this horrible place after 33 years of being clean. I feel even worse when I think of what I put my son (my best friend) through the nite of my attempt. Sometimes like right now I just break down and cry when I think about it because I hurt for him. Soooo....when logic is in place I am fine....when logic leaves me and emotions take over...that is when I am a danger to myself....I fight to keep logic in place because I know that my emotions can hurt me and those I love. We are all struggling not to feel these things we feel...It is a battle when you know relief is right there in front of you. I have fought many battles in my life and I will not lose this one!!! I will survive this!!! I know the best way is to just not give a shit about the ones that hurt us...easier said than done but I know it is doable....working on figuring out how...that is what life is...keep working until you figure it out!!!

Sorry for the ramble just too much input from this thread has my mind jumping around...thanx for putting this out there because I have been getting weaker every day...BTW seeing happy people, hearing happy people, getting advice from happy people, etc. make me want to get loaded cause I am so fucking jealous!!! I want to feel that again!!! I want to feel safe from this hurt, and safe from myself...don't we all????

I have to admit, I was suicidal for sure, one day last year. In august 09.

I was ready to go, and meant it. I was at my lowest, ever.

Then I did a keyword search for 'suicide' on Google, and found a web site and forum for those left behind.

I read about the devastation from families who lost someone to suicide.

I will NEVER, ever take my life. I have made that promise to myself for good. No matter how tough life can get.

It's the person's choice, and no one made them do it. It's either a chemical imbalance or they are in such desperation for relief of pain to think clearly at all. It gets too overwhelming, and some are unable to cope with it all.

The prose I posted earlier was not written by someone dealing with infidelity. It was written by the mother of a teenager who committed suicide. The prose and her book spoke to me as I come to terms with my loss, but it pales in comparison to hers.

I don't know why

I'll never know why.

I don't have to know why.

I don't like it.

I don't have to like it.

What I do have to do is make a choice about my living.

What I do want to do is accept it and go on living.

The choice is mine.

I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before, or I can be destroyed by it and in turn destroy others.

I thought I was immortal.

That my family and my children were also.

That tragedy happened only to others.

But I know that life is tenuous and valuable.

So I am choosing to go on living, making the most of the time I have, valuing my family and friends in a way never possible before.

This is a really rough time of year for many of us. Some minutes I feel like I am hanging on by my fingerprints. No one outside this unholy circle gets it. But when it is rough I keep coming back here to SI.

On our first month DDay anny I ran to go over a 13th floor balcony & stopped by someone nearby who grabbed me in time. I got a huge bruise on the leg I swung over first, a few days in the nut ward & a deep fear i would try again since there were many many days I wished I was dead in the betrayal aftermath. It was horrible to have to admit to my adult kids I had done that, wasn't even able to admit to myself for a while. But the bruise & witnesses made it undeniable.

I have a friend who decades ago was betrayed by her H who ended up getting his gf pg. He killed himself even tho the wife told him was willing to forgive & have the baby be a part of their family. That left her to raise their 2 small children alone & in dire financial straits.

One never knows what that final straw is that will make such a horrifying thing seem like such a great idea, but when the anguish becomes unbearable, it opens the door to stopping it at all costs.

Too many times, that includes stopping their own life while in other cases, the person kills or maims someone else. Not just by outright murder altho that has always been a common occurance thru the ages, but also innocent people as in car accidents or seriously injured because either the affair tainted person was trying to die using the car or simply couldn't pay the proper attention to their driving & inadvertently cause a major accident due to being overwelmed by the affair stuff. It's really hard to safely drive when you can't see thru the tears or get triggered by something.

I hate to say it, but spite kept me alive.

Spite has saved my life several times.

I am so far removed from these feelings right now, it seems like another lifetime, but I had them also. (Please keep going, I know the pain can seem unbearable, but there are ways thru it.... pain does lessen....)

I thought seriously about suicide for the first time when I was a teen. Had the razor blade, playing with my wrist, and I can't remember any more what changed my mind. I know I was angry and hurt by my dad....

Dealing with the WS, after escaping an abusive relationship....well....I got to the point where I did not want to get up out of bed in the morning. This was actually even before d-day. I knew something was wrong, just had no idea what it was at the time. Now I realize he was controlling and manipulative, and was working on destroying my self-esteem.

I wanted to go, but still had one small child left to raise. There was nothing in this world I had any interest in, and I couldn't see any way out. I couldn't do the quick pills thing (which is what I was contemplating....even to the point of figuring out which pills I had that would work the best)...but I knew I needed to stick around long enough to make sure my dd was safe, I couldn't leave her to face her psycho dad alone, so I decided I would just kill myself slowly (much preferable method, because that one gives you time to come to your senses.)

I stopped taking care of myself. Completely. Picked up every bad habit that I could. Became sedentary...ate so much junk food I couldn't breathe at night. When I would get chest pains, I would feel it was working, I was on my way to a heart attack (your thinking gets terribly skewed when you are deeply depressed!). I just went thru the motions of life. Eventually though I started IC. Then D-day happened, I quit eating, lost all the weight I had gained (20 pounds in 2 months). And found my anger and spirit again. I decided I was not going to be a shrine to his bad behavior....no way, was I giving my life for a loser. That is what started my fight back to life.

No one chooses suicide to teach others a lesson, or to be selfish. It is a long and dark and lonely journey into hopelessness and despair, and it can be very difficult to change the negative thought patterns that become entrenched in our brains.

There are a few of you posting that you are still in that mind-set. Please look into IC, and call this number t 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is the National Suicide Prevention Number. They will help you find some help.

And hang in there, know that someone does care (we do here, at the VERY least!), you have value, and you would be missed. There is way out to the other side. And happiness is possible again, I am living proof!

Just wanted to remind people that depression is a medical condition that should be treated by a physician. I tried to shoot myself with my husband's service revolver (no safety on the gun) over my husband's affair. My shrink had only given me one medication prior to all this, knowing that I was Bipolar I and need a cocktail of drugs. I have alot of mania, but my depression is HELL. All of the forementioned things, kids, dogs, ect., did not even get into the picture. I was only in my depression. I was damn determined to "fix" all my problems. My husband pushed me and wrestled the gun away from me. Cheating is a world of hell worse than anything you can think of.

I wanted to be dead just to stop the pain. I never really planned a sucide, but I thought about it. I just want the pain to go away.....

Yeah, there were moments.

I had never, ever felt suicidal either and thought "those people" were weak and silly. Then my cat died.

I know that sounds super psycho, but I wanted to be with her. My H had lived through his first wife OD'ing on him, and a best friend/roommate also, so he told me it was just normal to feel that way. I eventually sought the help of a pet bereavement therapist.

After Dday, I was just PTSD'd for a while, a good long while, trying to function while not there. And then I was in huge pain and couldn't be seen by a therapist unless I said I was going to hurt myself. So okay. I just wanted the pain to stop, stop, stop.

I took vicodin instead, just a slow way to go.

Infidelity affects people deeply and harshly.

When I was young, my uncle committed suicide when his WW didn't stop seeing OM.

She got a shock when she came home to find him hanging.

I wanted to be dead just to stop the pain. I never really planned a sucide, but I thought about it. I just want the pain to go away.....

Me too, except I did fantasize.

I also felt like I didn't deserve to live because of how gullible and stupid I was to be completely scammed and cheated on by my evil ex. A total worthless loser (I felt).

I thought of a lot of suicide plans and stuff, fantasized about it etc..

What kept me from ending it all, was my family. What would this do to them?

And what about the dog that I love to play with all the time, would she fret?

No, I couldn't hurt my family like that.

So I didn't do it.

I am glad I didn't now.

The hurt is so deep, that suicide can mistakenly be seen as the only answer in the darkest times.

PR

ETA: clarity.

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 9:46 PM, December 18th (Saturday)]