SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ex's affair ended less than a week after our divorce was final.

He wanted to reconcile, but I was done.

He committed suicide a few months later.

So many people hurt for NOTHING.

I thought about it a lot. I even stabbed myself twice in the arm. I hated myself...for what the pos did to me. The only reason I haven't done it is my kids. I don't want them left with him.

This time of year is just so especially hard on us. I have to admit the thought went through my mind a couple of times today. But I just thought of how it would ruin the Christmas holidays every future year for the people who love me, well it wouldn't be right.

When I saw this thread I didn't know if it helped me or hurt. But this has prose has helped me and if any of you are thinking dark thoughts maybe it will help you. (reprinted without permission I guess)

I don't know why

I'll never know why.

I don't have to know why.

I don't like it.

I don't have to like it.

What I do have to do is make a choice about my living.

What I do want to do is accept it and go on living.

The choice is mine.

I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before, or I can be destroyed by it and in turn destroy others.

I thought I was immortal.

That my family and my children were also.

That tragedy happened only to others.

But I know that life is tenuous and valuable.

So I am choosing to go on living, making the most of the time I have, valuing my family and friends in a way never possible before.

Sometimes I have to read it out loud 5 or 6 times but eventually it sinks in. Maybe it can bring some comfort to some of you too!

I may get flak for posting this-

Suicide IS murder-of a person (yourself)

Murder turned inwards

How many of us would think to murder in the wake of infidelity?? Sure, you might feel immense anger, but would you actually plan out a murder of another?

Most wouldn't. But those of us who have those residual feelings of anger, guilt and pain make the choice to to murder a very wonderful person

Yourself

If you were someone else looking in, could you actualy kill that person (you)??

I have had fanatic moments all of my life, thinking that if I were dead, somehow, everyone would see just how much I mattered. So Ironic, because we DO matter.

Suicide is murder, and that is the truth.

Don't ever be afraid to live, it's the greatest gift and to waste it because someone who professed to love you broke that promise is meaningless in the end.

I had never thought about suicide my whole life. I know it's arrogant, but I always thought people who did it or who had to take pills or be hospitalized over depression were just weak and whiny.

After the affair, I thought about killing myself for the first time in my life. The pain was so great I wanted to die. I found out that I take a pill everyday and if I overdose on it, it would kill me and the doctors can't counteract it. If I hadn't had a husband overseas and three children who were counting on me, I might have done it. And the good that came out of it is that I will NEVER, EVER disregard another person's emotional pain again. I now know that it can be so much worse than physical pain.

The only reason I didn't kill myself is because I was pregnant. I still almost did. I was in the garage with the boxcutter and she kicked and I just decided I could wait a few weeks, it wasn't fair to kill us both.

I was also pregnant when I made the first discoveries. I didn't want to meet God with that as my last act, and I was afraid I'd screw it up and end up in a semi-conscious or invalid state for the next 3 or 4 decades, which would be still worse than what I was facing.

But I do think not wanting to harm my son was also a big motivator. That, and the realization that my dysfunctional, co-dependent mother would be a 'good Christian' and take care of my kids. Growing up with her complaining and my dad's alcoholism had nearly driven me to suicide a couple of times in high school--I came close enough to start giving away my things to my younger sisters. I was willing to face any pain to make sure my parents never put my children through the pain and misery they put me through.

Sometime later, I decided I had things I always wanted to do in life. I figured at the very least I'd do those things first. In a way, it was a way to feel like there could be an end to the pain sometime, and yet find a way to get up each day for my kids. I made a list of the things I wanted to do and started on them, and my life has gotten infinitely better, as a result of pursuing those dreams.

I think another thing that helped was, despite my parents and my husband, I had a great deal of faith that my kids loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to leave them with that. I had a friend whose mother committed suicide while we were still in school. The funeral and graveside are powerful memories of the grief it brought to her daughters.

I've struggled with depression on and off most of my life, and had 2 failed attempts earlier in my life (one due to PPD).

After DD I did not care if I lived or died, but surprisingly never became suicidal. I don't ever remember considering it at all.

This week my husband had to break open the bathroom door only to find me staring at a bottle of pills I had dumped all over.

I was almost there. What I don't get is how fast and the reason I went to that lonely painful place. It's never happened like that before, and now that I feel like myself again it it a little scary.

Many may have read my FOO letter thread and know the story. Last week I sent a letter to my IL's setting some boundaries and discussing some of the issues I had ignored over the years. The family turned their backs on us, but I still didn't totally loose it.

Then I get a text message that the BIL whom had supported me after DD#2(I moved in with his family for a few days) was at my house chewing out my husband, calling him crazy, and telling him I should have left him. He said all sorts of nasty things to FWH and I lost it.

It seemed like another betrayal from someone I loved and trusted. I had already poured out my heart to him after writing the letter and he had been very supportive to me.

Next thing I know I'm in the bathroom with the pills.

Thought about it after D Day. I was very nearly successful when I was a teen, and so I think I was more aware of the horror it would cause my family.

It takes a long time to dig yourself out of that hole if you let it get that far.

I remember thinking about it even planning it took several days for the A to wear me down to that point. I remember just being tired of hurting. The day I was going to do it I had been calling Family just telling them merry Christmas if I did not get a chance to see them, we were supposed to go to my in-laws in Fla. (The day after Christmas) So I called them thank God my Father in-law answered the telephone and I told him about my WW’s A and he inspired me to fight. That was the last time I thought about killing myself. But I did not care if something killed me i.e. I started riding my motorcycle way to fast everywhere.

It's so sad when infidelity leads to depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts.. If anyone out there feels suicidal be sure to talk with a friend or other support in your area .I felt the depression and suicidal thoughts shortly after dday , found a lovely cliff that would be ok to jump from....talked to a friend, who talked to a friend and had a fast visit to Dr. received antidepressents - at the time I didn't have the energy to check all this out myself so it was good to have my friend-.I talked to my friend because I did know that this feeling would pass, that WH was not worth my life , that the pain would eventually end although it didn't seem like it then. It also helped that I had worked with depressed people for years.WH has no idea I felt like this ...I think I will tell him.The suicidal thought did end.

still desperately struggling with this myself.i have a personality disorder, and with all this, the divorce, him wanting me back, i just want to be gone.gone gone gone.i am so sick of being in pain every second of every day.i'm sick to DEATH of everyone telling me it will get better, and it isn't.and i'm sick and tired of being such a crappy person because of.i honestly think my kids would be better off rid of me at this point.and atleast divorce wouldn't have to happen.i can't do this.i can't.and i can't keep pretending i can.i love a man who isn't capable of loving me.and i'm incapable of cutting ties with him.i just can't keep living through this.and friends?yeh right.family?no.every one will say they love me, but when it comes down to it, and i'm drowning, not one of my "loved ones" is willing to to even talk me through it.i've even have several say they "don't want to hear me bitch about my situation anymore", or "i don't want you to talk about it to me".i give.there isn't anyone to help.there isn't anyone to pull me back.there isn't anything keeping me here.

Yeah, I get it. More than I like, but I do get it.

When people tell me they believe their relatives -- kids, husband, parents, etc. -- would be better off if they killed themselves I always tell them this:

Relatives of those who kill themselves have a six-times greater risk of dying by suicde themselves. Six times.

Kill yourself and that is your most lasting legacy to your family.

SimplyBroken, then come here. Post here. We'll be your family. We'll be your friends. PM me and I'll let you talk thru it. You have a support system in us. Do you go to IC? If not, is their one you can make an appt with? Are you on antidepressants? Please if you aren't, make an appt with your Dr. If you tell the office it's an emergency, they'll fit you in. I get on the site and at least lurk everyday. So I will get a PM. It's later when I get on when I work. Please get help.

T/J to Simply Broken-

I too am here daily, please feel free to pm me. Come here & post as often as you need to.

As for me- I came within a millimeter of committing suicide last summer. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my kids finding me. That & my core belief that life is a Gift from God that is not to be rejected. Thank God my mom & my wh pushed me to go to the dr & have my meds increased.

~Sabina

(((simplybroken)))) think of the pain and suffering your kids will endure please dont make that mistake. i have you in my prayers

For those who are dealing with deep depression and/or suicidal thoughts, and for those trying to help them--in case you are not aware--there is a section in the Healing Library posted by Ivey that may help. The link is below...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/suicide.asp

My doctor was very concerned about my depression and asked me if I felt suicidal. I said I wish I were dead, but I am going to stay alive just to spite WH.

I knew a couple where the wife cheated on her husband and left him. He committed suicide. They were not divorced yet so she got $500,000 in life insurance and promptly bought a BMW.

I would be damned if I killed myself and let my husband go wasting my life insurance money on his whore. I hate to say it, but spite kept me alive.

WS just don't understand the horrible emotional pain they cause their spouse by their selfish actions.

14 months past dday- I have thought many times how I'd like to end my life but I have children to think about. However, I often find myself trying to decide what age I would like to die. I have most recently concluded 64- because my youngest son would be 25 then. I long for heaven and not to be in any emotional pain anymore. I also don't want to suffer the consequences of any other stupid choices my WH is going to make- if he was a liability when our marriage was great, how much more of a liability is he now?

Just want to address the comments about "the most selfish act" and "murder of yourself". I know it may appear this way to some people, but what you really need to remember is that when a person reaches this point, it is a mental illness that they can no longer control. They are so beaten down and depressed that they see no other way out. They often think others will be better off without them. They do not see any options to make them choose not to do it.

Please try to have some empathy for people that have reached such a rock bottom and please try not to make such blanket statements. One size does not fit all. Just say to yourself, I don't understand it and I am very blessed not to feel those feelings. Say a prayer for them rather than judge them or dismiss them. And say a prayer for yourself for tolerance.

Sorry, I know this sounds preachy but I am preaching to myself as well. I can say that sometimes I am not tolerant of people for other things that get under my skin so I always try to tell myself that "there but for the grace of God go I". I don't always understand, I am just grateful that that lesson is not on my plate tonight. We all have our struggles and are much more alike than any of us care to admit.