SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D-day was Friday 4Th March 2011.

I found out on Friday my wife has been having a 2 year affair, we having been married for 14 years and have a 5yr child. 3 years ago, on our wedding anniversary, she told me she only loved me as a friend and as I was a good dad didn't want to leave, I tried to convince myself that I felt the same as her but all the time hoping if I gave her enough space perhaps things would change. The intimacy ended between us and her interests changed, she made friends with a lady who I met and they starting visiting Art galleries, museums and weekends away on city breaks. Then on Friday I find out that all this has been a lie and when she told me she was with this girlfriend all the time it was really the man she was with. She has lied to me, our parents, our child, our friends, everyone. I always had suspicions but never thought she could do that to me. Yesterday it hit me that although I tried to believe I didn't love her I do so much and it hurts like hell. I have so many feelings rushing through me I can't even begin to explain. we talked and agreed that at the moment the best thing for our child is to stay together. She saw him 2 days ago to end it but she has said she has to be able to meet him for coffee and chats as they have so much in common. I don't want to make any hasty decisions while my head is so messed up that I agreed to this as this would at least give my a bit of breathing space to get my head around all of this.

I cried so much when I told her parents and mine, who have been so supportive that with out them this would seem a whole lot worst. I have lost my appetite, just snacking on fruit and drinking water I'm not sleeping much and when I see her I can't even lot at her without falling apart. My employer was great when I told him, as I don't want to lose my job cause of this, but I sit in my office holding back the tears. everything is such a mess and I feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, angry and She is only upset about breaking HIS heart. I feel so alone and scared.

Welcome fellow brother of infidelity. Please take your time and read the healing library in the upper left hand corner. Much insight there. Contine to post and ask questions as many members will assist you. Im sorry you find yourself here. But this is the place to be in your situation.

Apart from this all being totally devastating for you, this particular bit is bang out of order:

She saw him 2 days ago to end it but she has said she has to be able to meet him for coffee and chats as they have so much in common.

What they have in common is that they are both lying cheats. It's totally unfair for her to continue to be in touch with him in any shape or form.

Is the other man married?

Welcome to SI...

You are at the beginning of a long and hard rollercoaster ride that we all have been on. Believe me when I say that time is your friend... it will get better for you. You may need to seperate from her to be able to wrap your had around the enormity of this, having to see her daily has got to be hell for you. I made the mistake of trying to recolcile for my sons sake, and believe me that it DOES NOT work. You can not stay in a marriage for a child.

Take care of yourself, eat, sleep, exercise. If need be see a Dr for meds to help you cope.

((HUGS))

No, he is divorce with 2 children, but if I don't agree to this she has said there is no chance of us staying together and I'm so scared of not seeing my daughter every day that I don't feel I have a choice. She has said that if we can staying together it would only be until our child has left home and then it's all over anyway.

This sounds like an exit affair. She is probably taking her relationship with the other man underground. I doubt very seriously they are "just friends" now.

Do you want to waste any more of your life with someone who will be leaving you when your child is grown?

I would file and request custody.

but she has said she has to be able to meet him for coffee and chats as they have so much in common.

Bad idea. After you sleep together, you can't go back to being friends. She sounds extrememly foggy. Fence riding, I believe.

You are right not to make any hasty decisions, but I wouldn't allow this. It's just screwed up that she might think that is ok. If you don't put your foot down about one other thing right now, do about this! It matters to any possible R.

But you decision not to make a decision in your present emotional state is so smart. Focus on taking care of you right now...and your kids! That's all that matters now!

(((kessel)))

Hang in there!!!

You could be right about the exit affair and I feel you may be right about the "being friends". I'll probably never be able to believe her if she says she going out with friends again, and in the end it may well me me who calls time on our marriage but I'm so far from that point yet and I can't see passed not seeing my daughter every day.

Gently. Sweetie, you can't live like this for 13 more years.

There are lots of ways to be totally involved with your chid including living very close to her, each of you having custody for alternate weeks, etc.

I don't have definite advice but you need to consider alternatives.

I know I should tell her to have no contact with him at all but she has already told me she loves him and if it wasn't for our child she would have already gone and if I didn't agree there would be no chance. I would love to get to a point were I can tell her no contact but I can't see it yet.

but she has already told me she loves him and if it wasn't for our child she would have already gone

To me this says it all. If you agree to this she will simply use you as a doormat. In my opinion its better for a child to come from a broken home then a dysfunctional one. Think of the lesson you are teaching her. She is going to grow up thinking that your martital situation is normal. This could be very detrimental to her developement.

What is the WORST possible outcome from the present situation?

If it’s losing your kid then don’t worry. If you have been (at least) an average father then courts will ensure you have access to her. No – there is NOT a gender slant for divorce processes. When you enter that court you both stand on even grounds. There is a tendency for men to negotiate/sacrifice their rights but that’s selective stupidity and not a forgone conclusion.

If it’s losing your wife then accept she has a lover. Arrange a hygiene and STD process so you won’t have to worry if OM was there the same day or she’s giving you HPV (or worse).

If it’s losing your pride, your worth and your marriage then frankly friend – you have to man up.

Allowing her to see OM is the same as allowing an alcoholic to have beer. It won’t work.

Your WW will continue to "love" her AP as long as she is permitted to continue to see him.

NC is the only possible way she will come out of the fog, and maybe not then, but it definitely WILL NOT happen so long as she remains in contact. He's a drug and the more she get, the more she wants.

By continuing ANY contact, she is placing AP ahead of you AND your child.

Read the 180 and other folks posts/experience and consider.

Read my tagline - my H was ENGAGED! He now realizes what a total ass he was and cannot believe his own behavior during the last affair.

Anything can happen.

((Kessel))

Please take your time! Don't make any hasty decisions. This is YOUR life, YOUR decision.

You are confused and hurt and disappointed and devastated. BREATHE. I know it's HARD and I feel the pain in your posts.

I UNDERSTAND. I REMEMBER when my FWH told he he would NOT stop seeing her "as a friend". It was like someone had cut my legs off underneath me! I remember him going to MC "Just to make a smooth transtion through the divorce" (unbeknownst to me at the time) and to placate me.

Hmmm 8 years later and we are going strong!

You need to take care of yourself and your child. You can't control her and what she does, but you don't have to issue any ultimatums RIGHT NOW. Get into IC. Read about the 180 and put it into practice. It's about YOU and what YOU can do.

You are not ALONE. We are here for you.

Post away!

[This message edited by Rollercoaster at 11:05 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)]

Hang in there brother...it's very painful but it will get better. It's been a month since I discovered my WS was having a 2 year affair. One of the things that I insisted was to stop all contact with the OP. She agreed to that and also agreed to get counseling. I might be one of the lucky ones...only time will tell. We still have a long road to recovery but there is hope. I hate to say it but if she doesn't agree to make some major changes then it might be time to end it. You can only take so much pain. Good luck to you!!

Hi Kessel. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us

You've already gotten some good advice, so I'll try to not rehash what's already been said.

She has said that if we can staying together it would only be until our child has left home and then it's all over anyway.

OK, how is this supposed to be attractive to you in any way shape or form? If you live with this, you'll be in a loveless marriage for at least 13 more years, you'll be giving your daughter a skewed perception of what a healthy marriage should look like, and you'll be starting over when you're 13 years older.

My advice would be to think long and hard before you sign up for being in limbo for another 13 years. See an attorney to find out what your rights are should it come to divorce. Even though she's telling you different now, how do you know that she won't file next week? Protect yourself.

Read up on the 180. There's an article in the Healing Library. She wants to be a single Mom half the time? Show her what it will be like. Do things with your daughter and for yourself. Just take care of yourself in general.

See a counselor. At this point a marriage counselor would be pointless, so see an Indvidual Counselor. You're going through some heavy stuff right now, so don't bottle it up. Do you have any support in place? Talk to people. Telling my friends when I first found out was a huge help.

Hang in there. It's scary right now, but you're going to survive this

One more thing

I know I should tell her to have no contact with him at all but she has already told me she loves him and if it wasn't for our child she would have already gone and if I didn't agree there would be no chance. I would love to get to a point were I can tell her no contact but I can't see it yet.

You can't outnice this. I know because I've tried. I've seen other people try, and it never works. Her OM is the stuff of legends in their fantasy world. They only give each other the good stuff. She's never had to fight over money, or sick kids, or plumbing problems with him. She's built him up in her mind as the perfect man. Eventually reality will set in, but for now, he's all good in her eyes. As long as she remains in contact, even as "friends", he'll remain on that platform. I can tell you from experience that what snapped my wife out of her feelings for the OM was the day I met her at the door and told her to make a choice, him or me. At that point, I really didn't care what she did. She's told me that this is when she woke up to what she was about to lose.

Put a plan in place. Worry about you and your daughter. You wife is not your friend right now, so she can fend for herself. She may wake up and you'll be able to reconcile. She may not. Either way, you look out for you and your daughter.

You cannot continue on as you are now---it is unhealthy for you--

Do not be afraid--of taking some action on your own

If she is determined to be with the other man---then you can't stop her---but you can force a live in the same home---legal seperation---make her pay her half of all bills including car and mtg.---make her cover her own food, insurance, credit cards---everything----give her a dose of reality---right now all she knows is three years of fantasy---where you paid for her and her scumbag lover to enjoy life

As has been said---nothing is a forgone conclusion when you go into a courtroom---everyone has to put on their evidence and proof----your child will be better off if she has a healthy single father, than a demoralized whipped husband who watches his wife openly cheat

she has already told me she loves him and if it wasn't for our child she would have already gone and if I didn't agree there would be no chance.

So the only choice she is giving you is to live in painful limbo until your child is old enough and then she's going to leave you anyway. You're really going to take that option?

I understand you're worried about not seeing your kid every day. However, do you really think you're going to be a good father in that situation?

Think of how devastated, distracted and unhappy you are now. Add the anger you are going to start to feel; not to mention the frustration. Believe me, the loving patience your have for your child gets tested as you ride the emotional roller coaster. You will not be able to be the parent you want to be under those circumstances.

And BTW, what kind of mother is she? She's already proven what's important to her - her happiness comes first and no other.

You need to take control of your life. She does not have the right to dictate the terms. This is YOUR life and your child's.

Time to take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of your child. Your WW is not going to help you - please help yourself.

Must reading for every new BS. Feel this must be posted often as so many are being bullied by a selfish WS.

These links were provided by another SI'er. Very good info for you during the shock of discovery. I do hope these help you navigate your way.

Helpful Posts

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Awesome New Betrayed Spouse Guide:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Good Steps to Take:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

Another newcomer post filled with early survival tips:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=383556

What Every WS should know:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

Still excruciating, but getting better daily. Going to make it.

In R since DD & Yes, told other BS and happy I did!