SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tough day Feb. Maybe tougher tomorrow. Doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing and I highly doubt anyone will recognize that as this unfolds.

Be prepared for the unpredictable reaction of your WW. You know her best, but even that might not give you an insight as to how she reacts in the next day or two. WS's react/respond with more or less the same motives and from the same position and that is the only similarity they share. Insight as to what she will do or say is from others experiences with their own WSs and sometimes it's helpful in identifying behaviors, motivations etc. However each WS is unique, and each relationship is unique. I think you're doing a great job considering advice, warnings and predictions with a measured grain of salt. Carefully moving each step while checking your moral compass.

I know you fell like crap right now after what you think is outing OM1 and on the surface what appears to be over a kiss (maybe it was) and reservations over outing OM2. Have faith in your moral compass and remember what you're fighting for. Fighting means using both barrels, and sometimes you have to appear disinterested to get her to fight for the same thing.

Your priorities are your innocent family, you, your children and your not so innocent WW. Compassion for others who are unknowingly involved is not a fault.

I think you're doing an amazing job at balancing everything. You may not feel that way inside, but from my personal perspective simply amazing. I wish I had handled my situation with the same level headedness.

Still cheering you on-

I think I got an hour sleep.

I replied to her e-mail, of course. I told her that I was devestated that my telling her could lead to the end of her marriage. What else could I say?

I have no idea how my WW is going to react to this. She is 1500km away, not scheduled home until the weekend. Sometime this morning she will open an e-mail in which she is called a "home-wrecking bitch". Sometime tonight or tomorrow she is likely to find out that I have also told the OM2's BS. After probably one more day down there and a 16 hour drive back with the H of the S of OBS, who knows what I'll be in for...

But if our chances at R hinge on how mad at me she is over this, then there really wasn't much chance at R anyway.

I am still resolved to tell OBS. One of the things that OM1 and I talked about was that affair. He told me that at a going away party for another member of the group, that took place after D-Day, the two of them sat together adn were talking so much that he (OM1) made a comment, and my WW shot back "What? **** and I can't be friends?" He told me that he got a weird vibe from that and wondered if something was going on. That, and the night ride invite two weeks ago tell me that the A is dormant at best and continuing underground at worst, and so she needs to know.

You did the right thing...and you will find that a certain weight will be lifted, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

I also felt like I destroyed a marriage and family when I told the OBS. But in the end, I did feel good about my decision to blow up the A. I didn't cheat....they did. I had nothing to feel guilty about.

I know it was a rough night...and today will be a rough day. (Happy Birthday to your son, BTW!).

You need to sleep though. I would consider getting something to help...Unisom or Tylenol PM or something. You need to sleep to function. The days ahead are going to be full of ups and downs.

The fog may start to lift now that it is all out in the open. A big dose of reality shakes them to their core. This isn't a fantasy...there are real people involved.

Hang in there my friend.

Feb

Sorry for the hell that is your life. It WILL get better. I promise.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. You know you did the morally correct thing. Keep that foremost in your mind. You are protecting yourself, your kids and giving people that need to know the information that you MUST give them.

The consequences are TRULY not a result of your disclosure, but of the horrible actions that were disclosed.

Remember, you are strong. You are a good father. AND YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. It may not feel like it right now, but the right things to do are usually the hardest...

Brace yourself for the worst today. And know that we are ALL here for you.

Sending you more strength...

Feb:

I just wanted to give some online moral support. I didn't get to post on here last night, as I was going through some shit myself, not sure what I am doing in my own predicament.

I know it is hard telling someone else that the world they thought they were living in is a lie, and that is what it feels like, as I was BS that was told by OWH, but it truly is necessary.

I want to second the thought for Tylenol PM. I have so far avoided going to dr. for Xanax or anything else, but have found that occasionally Tylenol PM helps with my headache/tight neck/shoulders and doesn't make me feel groggy the next morning, like a reg. sleeping pill might. They are not addictive, if you just use them once in a while. I am advising you to take them once so that you can physcially rest. Don't run yourself ragged and get sick. You have wonderful, beautiful children to take care of.

Keep posting, reading for support and just know that if you can get yourself through these next few days, it will atleast calm down a little.

Also, for when she does come home, I am sure there will fighting. Have a plan ready for how you will handle the kids. If you are refusing to fight and she is spitting like a mad cat, what is your plan to keep kids away ??? I think you will need to have this ready, atleast as much as possible for the next week or so.

Good LUck. It does get better. In time.

But in the end, I did feel good about my decision to blow up the A.

I am feeling worse and worse about this. It was not an affair. It was one night, and I'm not sure how far it went. I really don't think it was ever going to happen again between them. He had backed off, and encouraged her to work on her marriage. I think the consequences for him are more than he deserved.

Feb, how many "just one nights" does this betrayed spouse need to suffer through? How many does she NOT know about? Don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for his wife and family, but you did NOT make him what he is, you just showed her he hasn't changed, that she was living in an open marriage without her consent.

[This message edited by Cabrona at 7:42 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]

Feb: The reason you told her was because it is HER choice about her marriage. Not her WH who had cheated before and honestly, not yours. How would you feel if someone else decided what was best for you. You wouldn't want that. She doesnt' deserve that either. SHe deserves the dignity to make her own choices with full knowledge.

I know you feel awful, but remember she deserves respect and dignity and truth, also.

I am sorry

I think the consequences for him are more than he deserved.

That's not for you to decide. That's up to the BS.

If the BS decides that it was one word too much...one kiss too much...one night too much...That's her prerogative.

When a WS has a secret A, they're controlling the BS's ability to make choices for their own future.

When a BS doesn't tell the OBS, for any reason, they're controlling the OBS's ability to make choices for their own future.

Don't go there with your thinking.

Feb,

I wish we were all there to give you a hug. ((Feb))

I am not doing anything for vengeance (as I pointed out to OM1, I waited 12 days after I found out about him to confront him, and another week to tell his wife). If I had wanted vengenace on OM2, I would have contacted his WIFE right away (as I probably should have-another story) 7 weeks ago.

I am trying to do the right thing. I have agonized over telling the OBSs, as I weigh the immediate stress and heartache against the right to know and possibly avoid worse stress and heartache.

These, for me, are not calculated steps in the game, but moral, ethical decisions on what is really the right thing to do.

This hits the nail on the head. I am 100% sure you did the right thing. These are the consequences of their decisions. You did not make the decision to Kiss, flirt, or otherwise screw around on any of these marriages, the WS's did. You simply brought their actions, whatever they may be into the open. If they were acting in accord with their marriages you shining the light of truth on it should not matter. Fact of the matter is my wife started with just kissing a guy as well. 3 weeks later she was fucking him in the backseat of a truck. To me the kiss is every bit the betrayal the sex was. It is all part in parcel of each of them disrespecting the marriage and living in ways I don’t approve.

Please let me reinforce “The consequences are as a result of their decisions, not your decision to shine the light of truth” I said a prayer for you last night, I will continue to today. May you find peace with the correct decision, you walked with god yesterday, The moral high ground is yours. Not sure you see it yet, but he will carry you when the time of need comes. Relieve your conscience; focus on your list for R! The call will be coming soon and the only dialogue should not be about your actions in outing the affair, in fact don’t even entertain a discussion about it. Just lay down the rules for R and let her decide if she wants a crack at repairing if that’s what you want. My wife did, she still TT’d and went through the motions half assed for a few weeks as the shock set in. But she is working her ass off now.

Peace be with you Feb. !

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 7:34 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]

Just one quick thought... If my husband EVER kisses another woman, let alone anything else more involved? We're done.

If a woman comes up and kisses HIM (he didn't initiate) AND he doesn't tell me about it? We're done.

The fact of the matter is, if the husband had been transparent and told his wife the TRUTH if it WAS innocent on HIS part? I doubt she'd be throwing him out right now. The fact that he didn't tell her shows (1) he's still keeping secrets about other women and physical contact with them OR (2) it was much more than a kiss, which is WHY he didn't tell her.

When you look at it from that perspective? Please don't feel guilty. HE chose to keep physical contact with another woman a secret from his wife. HE did this...not you!

Latest e-mail from OBS..

"It's not your fault. It's his."

Thanks everyone for the support. It does feel like you've got my back, although that wouldn't have helped much when I opened the door to let OM1 in, if he'd been inclined to fight. Fortunately for both of us, he wasn't (guess we both realize we may have custody cases in our futures,and that sort of thing doesn't look too good).

I don't know what i am fighting for anymore. I think I have truly detached from my WW (see - I was right to want her to go on the trip - I needed space and time).

I plan to tell OBS2 tonight, even though in the short term it will likely cause unbelievable anger from my wife and likely threats of divorce.

I am telling her because I know I should...because I would want to know if the situation was reversed...becasue she has the right to decide..because I need to get out from underneath this pile of lumber...

I plan to tell OBS2 tonight, even though in the short term it will likely cause unbelievable anger from my wife and likely threats of divorce.

I am telling her because I know I should...because I would want to know if the situation was reversed...becasue she has the right to decide..because I need to get out from underneath this pile of lumber...

Feb, I know you can do it. Your a good man. continue to display your values! Demonstrate through your actions who YOU are. From what I am seeing, your an amazing man. I wish I could take just some of your pain, having been there I know its survivable.

I plan to tell OBS2 tonight, even though in the short term it will likely cause unbelievable anger from my wife and likely threats of divorce.

Yep....she'll be pissed - pissed she got caught. Pissed that the OM will throw her under the bus....pissed that the OM wont want to interact with her anymore....pissed that the reality of the A will make her realize that she's a slut....pissed that the OM wont be able to "stroke her ego".... pissed that her fantasy is ending.....

Affairs are an ego stroking behavior that are based in lies and deception....the APs get a "high" from the rush of cheating....affairs are a form of "self medication" for pre-affair issues....an escape from reality....they are fun, new and forbidden...by outing her affair you are taking the fantasy out of her life - you are getting her back to reality.....and its a rough ride....

Again, bro....she'll realize that she is losing that "happily ever after" rush from her cheating....that there is NOT a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.....the fantasy is ending.....

Patience, bro....it is NOT an 8 second ride (rodeo joke)...remember - draw your line in the dirt....set your limitations..and back them up.

likely threats of divorce.

These threats should come from you - as one of your conditions to R...If she doesnt meet all your conditions of R....she'll threaten D? Why? ....because you dont want to share her with other men?? Because you contacted her BWs wife????? Dude....let her threaten...shes blowin smoke....

She disrespected you and your marriage...YOU have done nothing wrong. She is the one that is broken and SHE needs to conform to YOUR expectations....and this is a LONG ride.....

Good job so far, bro....

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

I think the consequences for him are more than he deserved.

That is for his BW to decide. Thank you for giving her the information she needs to make her decision.

Feb - I was the clueless BW until OWH wrote me a letter. Yes, I was devastated but I am absolutely glad that I was told.

I know you are feeling a lot of angst about telling. Please remember that all you are doing is telling the truth. You did not hurt the OBS. Your WW may be pissed that you told but affairs have consequences and this is one of them.

Be strong. Speak the truth eve if your voice shakes.

Feb,

Get a good meal today and a long hot shower. I used to bang out a few pushups it made me feel strong when my emotions werent.

Back on page nine. Gardenmom and I were attempting to get you prepared for the coming 48 hrs.

have you given anymore thought to writing this out?

.......you sit her down when she comes home and tell her that unless she agrees to

1. go no contact

2. give al passwords to all accounts

3. no more rides/trips with OM (affair partners or NOT)

4. work on the marriage

5. any other conditions you have

Might I suggest add IC and MC to this list. give some of your emitional energy into this today as well, if you have some left to give. It will serve you well. Bufffalo is right

These threats should come from you - as one of your conditions to R...If she doesnt meet all your conditions of R....she'll threaten D? Why? ....because you dont want to share her with other men?? Because you contacted her BWs wife????? Dude....let her threaten...shes blowin smoke....

Dont entertain any discussion of what you have done and state with certainty your requiremetns for R, 180 her ass.

I think I have truly detached from my WW

Good give her the list and let her see the indiffernce and detachment you speak of.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:55 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]

God. Reading this is like watching a slow train wreck. Man, I know it had to be done, but what a complete mess for you. Get ready for more drama. I really think you should let MIL in on what has been going on so that she has some clue what your WW is going to be like when she returns. I can tell you that if the A is only dormant be ready for her and OM2 to want to move in together.

I know you won't take this advice, but I really think you should not be home when she gets there. Even if you take a motel for a week, you do not need to let her rant and accuse you of screwing things up for her.

Also, get ready for some extremely bizarre emails. So sorry you broke her good vibes.

You did the right thing. You're doing the right things... ((Feb))... hang in there. Best wishes to you and your kiddoes.

Yep. I think I added IC/MC down a few posts and maybe a few others, so you might check what they were. I had a bad night last night, so am kinda out of it this morning. (see post in R).

I love the idea of pushups and maybe sit ups. It will make you feel strong. When I can make myself get on the treadmill (esp. on bad days) it gives me an energy and mental boost. ) I can't think of what this is called, but there is a name for it. LOL

Anyway, we are rooting for you. But, you need to to get your list of terms for R ready. And you need to be ready that she won't like them at first (if at all) and will kick and scream and throw a tantrum. Then she might give on a few of them. But the only way to even TRY to have a marriage is that she accepts them ALL. Period. Counseling will help alot. That is really important. IC for her and MC for both and maybe IC for you.

Also, don't be afraid to start setting up times for MIL to watch kids and go on rides by yourself. THe exercise, the normalacy, the moving on and the time to be alone and think are really important. IT's a great 180 thing to. It show WW that you are not going to sit at home pining and crying over what she is doing. THat you are alive, you mean something and are going to move forward, even if you don't know what that means yet.

((FEB))) (hugs)

Reading over this, Feb. . . . .

You're doing great in a very rough situation.

In fact -- when everything is said and done, I suspect this thread will be used as an example of the way a betrayed spouse should handle things.

Keep it up!! This won't last forever.