SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Latest e-mail from OBS..

"It's not your fault. It's his."

QFT.

She and you both know it was the correct thing to inform her.

You are as prepared as you can be for this next venture.

Although you are now realizing you may no longer be fighting for your M, you are fighting for what is right and you are where you need to be if there is any salvaging to be done. It is unfortunate that you have been placed in the position where you have to make these decisions, but it is what it is and you're doing a good job with it.

Stay strong and I sincerely hope the uncertainty turns in a direction that makes your future look a little clearer; regardless of that that future actually IS, at least it might get easier for you when you actually KNOW what it might be.

Feb,

just sending strength. You've had some tough weeks, and it is probably going to get worse befor it gets better. But you are doing great. You are strong. You can get through this. ((hugs)) to you and your littles.

When is she coming home??

You ready?

She'll be home late Saturday or early Sunday (16 hour drive).

I'm not ready, no.

I don't think we can hide it from the kids any longer.

Feb,

I am so very sorry you have to be the one to expose the A. In a better situation, your WW would do it and spare you the pain.

Try to remember you are doing it for the right reasons: to expose the As to the light of day and to enable the OBSs to make decisions about their marriages.

(((Feb)))

((february))

Just dropping with a word of support for you & to encourage you to tell her family & yours. You have a right to emotional support- your WW has no right to demand that you deal with this in isolation simply to save face & avoid the consequences.

PS- Can you PM me & tell me who you race with? Am a huge cycling fan & would love to know which team you ride for. If this is too personal, no worries.

Another ((feb))!

~ Sabina

Just dropping with a word of support for you & to encourage you to tell her family & yours. You have a right to emotional support- your WW has no right to demand that you deal with this in isolation simply to save face & avoid the consequences.

Thanks. I know she notices the huge discrepancies in our support systems. At some point though, it will (I hope) be time to heal, and some of what has transpired will make that difficult for her. And she needs to be whole wether we stay together or not...she's mommy to three kids.

PS- Can you PM me & tell me who you race with? Am a huge cycling fan & would love to know which team you ride for. If this is too personal, no worries.

You haven't heard of my team, unless you're from Ontario. I am an age group racer...mostly MTB.

I have seen Tour de France stages (2 of them, with WW last summer) and ridden some of the climbs (made it up Alpe D'Huez in under an hour, fastest pros do it in 40 minutes), but I have never raced at even the highest Masters category.

I plan for a fall peak this year, since I'm not actually training right now.

Feb,

Up to you what you tell the kids. We told the kids that we weren't getting along like H & W should. Did all the reasuring about how it wasn't their fault...

Then months into it they were so mad at me. H and I discussed what we should tell them because I was tired of taking the blame for him leaving. We told them together Daddy made some choices that led to us no longer living together. In a nut shell of course, the talk was long and involved but after they at least stopped asking me why I made Daddy leave. I never asked him to leave.

Through all of it the word affair was never brought into it, they were only 6 &8 at the time. I think affairs are a very adult subject and I was not going to even try to explain it to children. I barely understand it.

In the end all they knew is that Daddy made some bad choices that made mommy very sad. They were devastated when he left but they did better than I thought they would after a while.

Glad you informed the BW. IMO, motivation for telling is irrelevant. If it is out of anger, a need for revenge or for the most altruistic of reasons, it needs to be done.

Exposure is essential for recovery. It is the most effectiv method of breaking up an affair.

Look at some of SERj's stuff on responses to the type of verbal attack you may take from your cheating wife. The non-commital/will not engage responses are the way to go.

((((Feb))))

I know this is terribly hard for your right now. It really will get better with time, I promise. Hang in there. You truly are doing amazingly well.

Don't beat yourself up about informing the other BS's or any consequences that follow from that for the OM. Those decisions are out of your hands. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Be kind to yourself with the time that remains before she comes home.

I have been following this thread and can't offer much more than what you have already heard.

All I wanted to say is that as a BS who was informed of my WH's A by the MOW's BS, I am forever grateful. The A stopped immediately, my WH got a severe dose of reality and has been trying his hardest to repair the damage he has done ever since. I am still healing and trying to recover with him. That was my decision, a choice I got to make, once I knew all the facts. Without him telling me who knows how much longer it would have gone on for, I had questioned a couple of things to do with the MOW but he had reasonable explanations and I NEVER BELIEVED he would that to me?

IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

Wishing you all the best.

She Skyped this morning to wish our son a happy birthday. She looked sad and tired. I'm sad and tired. OM1 and his BS are sad and tired today too. Even my friend who stayed up texting me until 1:30 am is probably a little bit sad and tired. This sucks all around.

Consequences for the OM2 I'm okay with, although I don't want him to lose his family over this either (mostly for his kids sake).

I don't care what kind of abuse I get from WW when she gets home. I am done with her for now. Actually, I'm done with WW for good. If my W ever shows up again, then I'm willing to listen.

This is both incredibly sad and very liberating to feel this way.

An no, despite what it says in the other thread, I haven't started drinking yet...

(((feb)))

You're really doing EVERYTHING right!! You are an example to all of us! Stick in there and do what your gut is telling you to do! I know it's hard but you're doing SOOO well!! Honestly! We're all thinking of you and wishing you the best!

I don't care what kind of abuse I get from WW when she gets home. I am done with her for now. Actually, I'm done with WW for good. If my W ever shows up again, then I'm willing to listen.

AHHH, the detachment, its so liberating. Its the final sign your "co-dependent no more", wait there is a book title in there somewhere. Great book Feb, one to add to your reading list.

Churchill comes to mind...

The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.

The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.

Didn't he say that BEFORE D-Day?

Curious 2/8, did your wife respond or mention OM1 BS "Bitch" email?

((Feb))

You have recieved so much great advise and support.

I admire your resolve to keep the kids safety and wellbeing as your foremost priority.

Peace and strength to you from a fellow Ontarian.

Curious 2/8, did your wife respond or mention OM1 BS "Bitch" email?

Yes, and she forwarded it to me too. She is very upset, some anger towards me too. I simply don't have time to respond to her ...I am on my way out the door....

Didn't he say that BEFORE D-Day?

Yep, though "D-Day" in our context here would be when German invaded Poland.

ETA: Actually, this was 1936 when they realized the Nazi danger but they couldn't avoid it anymore.

[This message edited by nuance at 3:36 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]