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Chopping, does she have a home office, and have you searched every inch of it? My XWH was away in France 'on business' when I did that and found 'his and her' itinerary, as well as a receipt for an $800 spa day in Vegas a few months before with both their names on it. That was my proof.

They are not always smart about this stuff.

You are doing very well....keep us posted.

Chopping, does she have a home office, and have you searched every inch of it? My XWH was away in France 'on business' when I did that and found 'his and her' itinerary, as well as a receipt for an $800 spa day in Vegas a few months before with both their names on it. That was my proof.

Wow, bold move. Glad you found out.

I did a major house search today, nothing useful found. She always gives me copies of her itineraries, so no issue there. I do need to look at the credit card statements and line them up with her past trips though. Going to be difficult to glean much from them though. Her trips involve wining/dining and she's a bit of a shopaholic.

Please, don't trust anything at this point, itineraries can be changed by a simple cut and paste.

Look for amounts charged by hotels, I'm thinking of she travels for business her employer covers her accommodation costs, unless it's for an extra night...

If you find anything that sets of alarms, you can always ring the hotel (hopefully not the one she's staying at right now) and say you need a copy receipt for the accountant, many times the staff are too busy or not bothered and will email/fax you copies. Hotel room rates take no more than a quick google to check otherwise.

Does her annual leave match up with what it should?

I say this as it's easy to leave a day early... come back a day late.... you'd never know otherwise if you didn't have any suspicions until now.

Also, separate hotels is no safeguard unfortunately... I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to slip away for an hour or two, here and there.

Take care of yourself ChoppedOnions, we're all thinking of you.

Please, don't trust anything at this point, itineraries can be changed by a simple cut and paste.

I get her itineraries by email with a link to the company's travel agent's website, so those are legit.

Look for amounts charged by hotels, I'm thinking of she travels for business her employer covers her accommodation costs, unless it's for an extra night...

Yep.

Does her annual leave match up with what it should?

No idea. She has so much of it saved up that I couldn't even estimate.

I say this as it's easy to leave a day early... come back a day late.... you'd never know otherwise if you didn't have any suspicions until now.

Yea, she actually does this from time to time if she's in a city she likes (and tells me about it). There's just no way to know if she's accompanied.

Also, separate hotels is no safeguard unfortunately... I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to slip away for an hour or two, here and there.

Believe me, I know. He's in the posh hotel and she's in the economy one.

Thanks for your thoughts.

You need to get hard proof. You also need to accept that you are going to get it.

When you see it you are going to gasp and your heart will pound and your brain will burn.

Living like you're living will age you 10 years in no time.

It will if you let it.

That said get your proof. Check the trash can, people toss stuff and think that means gone. Get a good camera. Keep a journal. You are going to get what you don't want bud, sorry.

After all of that is said and done, I suggest you think long and hard if you want her back. If you do, treat her tough. If you want her gone, beg her to stop and come back to you. Both ways are very effective to get what you are ultimately going to be able to live with. Not your fault, your hand has been forced.

This guy sounds like the kind of douche that has zero problem banging some guys wife. I loath bastards like this.

Just wanted to let you know that I think it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this but you couldn't have found a better place for advice or support.

hugs

((ChoppingOnions))

So sorry man. You made a sacrifice for your family, and I can tell you aren't sorry for that. Nothing to add, but wanted to say I read your story and wanted you to know you aren't alone. It is up to you, but this is still fresh to you. In time your feelings will change between D and R. It is a roller coaster as they say. My story ended with me moving on and finding happiness again. Whatever you decide (take some time it is a big decision) you will need to heal from this. If nothing else for your little princess. IC is good, it helps.

You are married to a broken woman. She feels guilty because she understands how wrong this is and what a good guy you are. When the vitriol comes when she is confronted with the reality of hurtful choices she has made, don't buy into any of it. Nothing can/should explain an affair away. Her choice to step outside the marriage had no input on your part in a direct or indirect way. That is all on her and her cross to bear and the guilt to live with.

ETA: crunching numbers for hours really screws up my grammar.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 11:24 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Chopper,

How's your warchest? Can you check the web and find a PI in the city they're at? If not, you'll have to wait until she travels again. It's been done, but the waiting will be tough on your mental well being.

Since you want to attract her back after you blow up the phony "relationship", you have to do the counterintuitive thing of moving away from her, without letting on that you are aware you are interacting differently with her. You know how this stuff works, right? Look for a job, but don't discuss it with her. Change your look, take up bodybuilding (seriously, it's good for you anyway), get stylish. Don't make plans with her, just announce what you're doing and leave. Start doing all that stuff now, before she knows you know.

Wow, some deep googling gave me OM wife's name, her email address, and a work phone number. It appears she is a very pious person (VERY active in church activities which may in fact be her occupation). Peeling away onion layers as well as chopping them now.

It would appear that he is not only going to be in the doghouse, but a special place in hell as well.

How's your warchest? Can you check the web and find a PI in the city they're at? If not, you'll have to wait until she travels again. It's been done, but the waiting will be tough on your mental well being.

War chest is OK. WW and OM are 5,042 miles away across the Atlantic. Probably not feasible.

Some remarks from her today on the phone suggest that he'd been coming to our city to work semi-regularly for at least the past year and a half, staying at a hotel near the company when he would come to collaborate on their project. God help me burn the mental images out of my mind!

Their project is essentially done, and he's apparently moving on to some other project for the company after this meeting (one which won't involve WW's division much). A last hurrah? F*@& I need to sleep!

Why is she sharing stuff about him with you on the phone. Is she sensing you are worried about him or are you asking specific questions about him? Sounds like she has definately had an opportunity right here. sorry you are going through this. I'd hire a PI. IT is the one thing I wish I had done differently. It would have saved me lots of wasted time.Take care.

I did a major house search today, nothing useful found.

Look again. I didn't find my evidence until at least the third search of his area. Then I just had to kick myself. But each time I looked, I found places I'd missed.

Does she have more than one purse she uses? Check every pocket of each and every one. You'll find change, tampons, spare lipsticks, and forgotten receipts. And who knows what else?

If they don't have an excuse to get together anymore, it's going to be tough to get the iron clad proof you want. You may have to use what you have to confront and make her take a poly to fill in the gaps.

Once, back in the 80's before normal people had cell phones, I called my wife's room when she was working for the airline and a dude answered. These days, that would be a little too obvious. Plus, your wife is probably over at his room, since it's nicer and probably more soundproof.

If you wife is in Europe, there are English speaking investigators in every major city. My son is in the business. Get on the web.

Exactly. If you have the means, contact a PI in that city. This is their perfect opportunity.

A good PI can save you a ton of time,although it costs. They will be carelss as they feel secure so far away.

Looked at PI's. With currency conversion, it would cost a fortune. Not going there.

Now that I have OM's wife's contact info, I'm a bit tempted to get in touch with her. As long as I could get assurance that she wouldn't reveal where she got her info from, it would seem to be a good way to put a quick halt to the A. It would be nice to have an ally if she wanted to do some snooping in to OM's emails looking for PA evidence, but I certainly cannot bank on that. Risky, risky. Thoughts?

Do it, but timing will be everything.

Do you intend to confront your WW first then the BW?

Once you confront either or the other, the other will be on their phone faster than lightening to the AP to get their stories straight.

It would be great if you could get ahold of the BW while yours is walking into the house.

May depend on what you're looking for the contact to achieve.

There's a down side.

The risk is greatest if you are looking for evidence and the OBS denies the situation and broadcasts your suspicions. An important issue to consider if you feel you don't have enough to act on at this point.

The exposure 'risk' is less if you're looking for confirmation.

That said, the OBS may provide you with the information/confirmation you need.

Now that I have OM's wife's contact info, I'm a bit tempted to get in touch with her. As long as I could get assurance that she wouldn't reveal where she got her info from, it would seem to be a good way to put a quick halt to the A. It would be nice to have an ally if she wanted to do some snooping in to OM's emails looking for PA evidence, but I certainly cannot bank on that. Risky, risky. Thoughts?

It depends on how much evidence you have at this point. Personally, I wouldn't expose to the BW until I had undeniable evidence because you never know how the BW is going to react. She might react like she's in denial and say that what little stuff you do have now shows an inappropriate friendship, but not clear cut evidence. OR, she might react the way you hope she will and help in gathering evidence and killing this A, OR she might even have more evidence than you have!

Personally, I'd investigate further because the more proof you have, the better.