SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been lurking on SI for about a year now because I've experienced infidelity from all angles in my life. I am honestly trying to understand it all and live a better, more authentic life. There is so much to say, and lot of history behind it so I will try to be brief and narrow this down to 2 things.

1 - My BH has no idea he is BH. How sad is that? I was a BS and we filed D in 1999 but his parents died before it was finalized. I called it off. A little hysterical bonding happened, and we were pregnant. We decided to give it another go. We S again in 2007 and he had major health issues resulting in another abandonded D process. His brush with death has given him a new outlook and he claims to be 100% committed to the M. Me - not so much, though I sometimes play along to keep the peace. He is all words and no actions in my view. Very sad for all of us.

2 - I went NC with my married AP about 4 months ago of my own choosing. The A was long distance and off and on for many years, but had been very involved over the past 2 years. Eventually I came to the obvious realization that if either or both of the M's were truly headed to D, it needed to happen outside of the A. The NC has stuck but I will admit that I miss him terribly in my life.

I believe I truly saw my A as an exit affair - my way of slamming the door on another false R. My dilemma has been how to end the M. Disclosing the A would do that quickly for sure, but at what cost to H and my kids? He will be devastated whether he ever knows about the A or not. I am still working on that. I honestly don't want to bring him any pain. I just want out.

I am not making excuses for my behavior. I know I should have had the decency to end my M if that was what I really wanted. My reluctance to do that has me questioning everything. I am the quintessential perfectionist over-achiever and have never failed at anything in my life, except being true to myself. I fear that I am incapable of being a devoted and faithful wife, and know that I really am not the "good girl" everyone thinks I am. My family and friends would be shocked to know what I have done. Still, I have some deep desire to have a wild side and to NOT be what everyone expects me to be. I want to live my life on my terms. I don't know that I have it in me to give my M another go, or that I have the strength to end it. I am a coward that way. And living in a limbo hell of my own creation.

I ended my A. I am shameful and remorseful, but not sure that I really want my M. So now what? Are there any wise words to be said here? Any 2x4's? I will take them all.

(((wwnomore)))

I can hear your pain. I'm sorry.

Welcome, wwnomore. You'll find excellent resources here.

I am the quintessential perfectionist over-achiever and have never failed at anything in my life, except being true to myself.

That's the most important thing of all. You fail at all if you don't do this.

I want to live my life on my terms

You have been. You've destroyed two families in the process even if they aren't aware that they're already corpses.

I am shameful and remorseful, but not sure that I really want my M. So now what?

I don't see remorse anywhere in your post.

wwnomore, I completely get not wanting your marriage. I didn't either. You divorce then.

I'm really concerned by your apparent lack of regard at all for the wife of your married partner.

You have a lot of work to do. If you've been lurking about a year all this should be very old news to you, but until you find out what thought processes enabled you to view an affair as an acceptable choice you won't begin to start to heal or grow.

It's one thing to not want to be married. It's a completely different thing to have no issues with participating in the destruction of another family.

You need to be honest with your husband. You mention "at what cost to my H and my kids?". That money has already been spent. That cost as already been incurred.

Hopefully, you'll want to live an authentic healthy life for your children and the only way to do that is complete honesty.

I'm sorry you're here, but this is a wonderful resource, as you've already seen if you've been lurking.

Wwnomore - I've been lurking on SI for about a year now because I've experienced infidelity from all angles in my life .... My BH has no idea he is BH. How sad is that?

Well, if you have been lurking for the past year, then you already know the stock replies that are usually given with regard to confessing your affairs to your BS. Since you have not done this, I suspect that your one big bundle of fear and uncertainty. Being a mat hatter (actually, both of you fit into that description now) complicates the whole R process to say the very least. And yes, it is sad that your H is living unaware that his “faithful wife’ hasn’t been faithful and even sadder that you, the BS also choose to have an affair and keep it secret from your H. Whenever I think mad hatter, I get shivers down my back!

Wwnomore - I don't know that I have it in me to give my M another go, or that I have the strength to end it. I am a coward that way. And living in a limbo hell of my own creation.... I ended my A. I am shameful and remorseful, but not sure that I really want my M. So now what? Are there any wise words to be said here?

Having just finished reading the book, When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum, I would like to refer this book to you in answer to your question of what to do. Chapter three, Finding the One True Love gives you a road map of sorts to make that decision. Stay or leave? The AP or the BS or neither? I didn’t spend any real time reading that chapter line by line (no need to question what to do cause I have already committed to my wife) but from what I did see, this lays out a process for you to decide where your happiness lies. Perhaps it may help you.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

Did your BH have an affair too?

..sorry you are torn between the choices..as you said..limbo hell!

..i don't think that you have any idea what 'the costs will be to your H and your children' yet..

..the shit hasn't hit the fan..yet..

..do you already have plans to re-ignite your A with mOP?

..does he have a handle on how you feel?.. you say you still miss him.. is he missing you the same way??

..how do you envision your new 'wild' life?

..i will agree with others that your H needs to know, to be fair to him and allow him some options. ..by not cluing him in, you are deliberately putting him at a distinct disadvantage for his own options.

..is his health still a major concern? ..could he relapse?.. then what?

..is his health affecting the sex life for you both? if that is one of your reasons for wanting out.

..it sounds to me like you are going through your own mid-life crisis..

..how old are your kids?..how do you think they are going to react?

..so many questions for you to consider here..

..wishing you well in arriving at the best solutions to all the problems you are about to face..

..it is not an easy road you are about to travel on..

..i wish you, your H and especially your children a safe journey..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 5:15 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Thanks so much for the replies.

I do know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and am making an effort. I am reading online and reaching out to the fine folks here. I've ordered a few of the books I've seen mentioned and will read them ASAP. IC is being considered as well, but I wonder what I can say when I cannot answer the fundamental questions for myself.

Yes, my BH had an affair, from which we really never fully recovered or reconciled. We were awaiting D when the back to back deaths of his parents led us down a path of false R. I saw it as a message from the universe that we were to stay together. Even as his BS, I could not abandon him then. The guilt was a huge weight.

BH's health issues are major, but he will have a decent quality of life for a long while. He also has substance abuse issues which cause major resentment in me because they are in direct opposition to his treatment. Is sex an issue between us? Yes. So many (legal and illegal) meds do not do a body good.

I wanted to say that one of the reasons I ended the A was out of concern for AP's BS, and that I pray they can recover from the damage I've caused. As far as I know, she has no idea about the A. But I have not corresponded with him at all in 4 months. Again it was long distance, and was very discreet. I'm not proud of that, but am not surpised she never found out. I realized too late that I could never cause another wife and mother that kind of pain. I allowed AP to convince me that his M was his concern and not mine. When that got to be too much, I ended. I will take the hits from SI-ers on that. I honestly didn't want to seem disingenuous with those comments. There are no plans to reignite the A. We all know that these fantasy relationships cannot survive the light of day.

I am taking all of this to heart. Thank you.

My "wild" life isn't so wild....I just want to be me. I can't be the me that he wants me to be. I think I suffer from "imposter syndrome" there. His version of marriage is far different from mine. He is very "Ozzie & Harriet", I am more....idk...date nights, soccer mom + career mom, family fun night. I want to find a middle ground and keep my family together. Not sure there's a willingness on his part to get there (even without my A).

This being WS Forum, I don't want to whine about my M too much. I just wondered if anyone had advice for someone clearly stuck and trying to dig out.

If confessing is what I need to do for both of us to heal, I will have to pull up my big girl pants and do that. It is not so easy to twist the knife I already put in his back. He he doesn't deserve any of this.

[This message edited by wwnomore at 7:50 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Do you wish that you had never found out about your husband's affair(s)?

I am very adept at picking up on vibes, even in written form.

You seem almost robotic, as if you are not trying to feel. Either that or you are just being careful how you write. I am leaning toward the latter.

Before we can help you, you must decide what kind of help you want. The best thing now is to work on yourself.

I do believe that your BH deserves to know the truth. You know his, why can't he know yours?

(((wwnomore)))

My heart goes out to you.

For some WS there is a point at which they know what they need to do, but the A taints every thought and decision. Are you really doing this for you? Is the A truly done? What are the motivations? and am I being honest about everything? These are all just rhetorical...

Ultimately, if you want to leave, then leave. There is no good way to end an M. Only you will ever know whether you are really being honest with yourself. If you've been on SI for a year now, then you know what you should be doing and where you should be at.

I sort of think that telling your H will get you to that place of really being honest with yourself. Until you do that, you are going to be able to avoid owning the entirety of your A. And you will always second guess yourself as to whether you left because your M is as you have described, or because you didn't want to face your H in confessing your A to him.

I read your OP last night and it made me sad. Just make sure you are honest with yourself.

@BT - that's a tough one for me to answer. I'm not sure I completely agree with the conventional wisdom of always telling in my case. BH did tell me of his affair, told me he had ended it, and then moved out. I would have rather he ended it and addressed our problems. He absolutely deserves to know aout mine, and I am working on a way to tell him. Soon.

@FRM - I think you hit on something very profound. I've been stuffing my feelings for so long, that to express them and honor them is the hardest thing for me to do. I feel like I wear masks every day: the professional mask, the wife mask, the friend mask, the daughter/sister mask, etc. I even have a tattoo of the comedy/tragedy masks symbolizing this. The only thing that feels really real to me right now is being a mother to my amazing kids.

I feel sick and angry with myself over my A. Who am I and how could I have done something so horrid, so out of control? My H has been good to me...he has never ever abused me or our kids...he works...he helps out at home. From reading here, I realize that I devalued him in my mind. I married a strong and smart man. As life and kids and illnesses and financial troubles hit, I lost all respect for him. On top of that, I was unfaithful.

I am in MLC to the extreme:

Do I want to stay M?

Confessing my A will definitely destroy his emotional and physical health.

Is it possible to let go of all the resentments I built up and find real love for my H again?

Will he be willing to give me that chance once the shit hits the fan?

I ended my A so I can find answers to these questions. I have not seen many WS here admitting that they are not sure about working toward R.

I will keep reading and keep writing.

Thanks so much for all of your hugs, thoughts, and slaps in the face.

I ended my A so I can find answers to these questions. I have not seen many WS here admitting that they are not sure about working toward R.

I understand this and experienced this as well. I felt a bit like an outsider as my user name indicates, was very uncertain about r and decided against it.

There were members here that walked that path and reached out to me. I also go so much guidance from other amazing WS's and also some BS's as well. The kindness and caring was so helpful.

Whether you decide on your marriage or divorce it's absolutely important that you find out what inside you enabled your choice. In that search you'll uncover, realize, identify so many other things that work against you in so many aspects of your life.

You're recognizing the damage done by your affair to others. It's also the most self destructing thing you can do to yourself. It's soul suicide.

The digging is painful and hard and doing it at the same time you're having to deal with the fallout and pain caused to others is daunting.

It can be done. You'll get support here.

(((wwnomore)))

Thank you UCO.

I am working to find my WHY, my HOW. For some reason, reading other posts now that I started mine has brought more meaning to everything I read. I too have seen many compassionate WS and BS offering support here. That is why I finally registered.

I wonder if I am afraid to (ask for) R because I know I don't deserve it. I have my own version of the rug sweep: Just D and let him move on to someone else who deserves and appreciates his love in a way I never did and maybe never can - someone who will care for him with a pure heart as his health declines. I certainly don't feel worthy of that place in his life.

H and I have had several conversations over the years about me being damaged inside, but always having to be the strong one and hold everything together. I almost feel like I've been "faking it" my whole life. Real FOO issues there. Strong and capable, never vulnerable, always the dependable and pragmatic one. Everyone bought it and I chose a path of destruction rather than reaching out for help.

It does feel like I committed suicide and left nothing but destruction behind for those that loved me.

[This message edited by wwnomore at 8:07 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Your recent post shows emotion. The ones you have been burying and trying to keep under control.

They are the ones you need to deal with.

You need to deal with:

How do you feel about you and if negative, what can be done to change that.

How do you feel about your BH/FWH and can you get past the resentments you developed.

What FOO issues have done to you emotionally and how can you get past them.

How much do you value your family in keeping them together and what can you do to be positive about including your BH/FWH in the picture.

You are now tapping into those emotions and feeling them...if you continue..you will be on a long journey to healing.

We will support you every step of the way.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 8:18 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Keep in mind that you may not be giving your BH enough credit. Be sure that your belief that confessing your A will destroy him, physically and mentally, hasn't been developed using the same distorted lens through which you've seen him over the years. Many, many of us have been stunned by the reactions of our BSs. And if he had his own affair(s), he has some idea of what you're going through now.

Like I suspect you are, I'm someone who consistently "measures up," picking up the slack and ensuring that everything is running smoothly and sorted properly. One of the hardest things for me to learn has been to do the right thing, and then let go of outcomes.

When you do the right thing, whatever that is in each specific case, the correct outcomes accrue. They may not be enjoyable, may even be costly, but they are the correct outcomes. I have spent so much of my life trying to massage the outcomes I believe are correct out of circumstances that I lost all sense of what was truly my responsiblity and what belonged to others.

Your most critical task is to begin to see and think clearly. Going NC with the OP was a vital first step. Letting go of the memory of the A as a fond one is another. Getting physically healthy, if you are not, is another. Beginning to identify the areas in your life that bear a second, clear-headed look, is next. Ultimately, the goal is to be able to manage your life (not the whole world) and in an honest and loving way. Some of the steps will be tiny, sometimes you won't be able to see your ultimate destination, but as long as you place your feet correctly with integrity each time, you will get to the place where you are living in the light.

WWN,

From what you've written, it sounds to me like you are a person who generally operates with an endgame in mind. You figure out what you want, and then figure out how to get there.

The problem with doing that in this situation is that there is another human being in this mix that should have some say in it. Of course, we are all individuals and have dominion over ourselves, but when we marry part of what we are promising is that we will work together on issues that affect our union and the family we have built.

Why not give him that chance?

As Inchy so rightly points out, you don't know what his reaction will be and you may be grossly underestimating him. There are countless stories on SI of WS and BS who step up to the plate after an affair, or even affairs, and learn to build better marriages. Your husband may well be one of those types of spouses. If you leave him out of your equation as an active participant, you'll never know what you could have done together.

BT

((WWNM))

This is one of the most help threads I've read here at SI (for my personal situation, even though it's different than yours)...and I'm very thankful for that.

HOW it's different than mine is that you have a chance to make a difference in the "endgame" one way or another. You have the choice in your hands and heart. When *I* was in your shoes, I didn't realize I also had a choice..and therefore, I let things "happen"..oh how I wish I hadn't done that.

You have received such sage advice from many SI very respected veterans on this thread. Listen to them..hell, listen to ME. I can't turn back MY clock, but yours is still ticking and you can do the right thing, whatever that is for you, and either stay or walk away with your head held high.

Think about it. Living a life with almost insurmountable shame is pretty much a living hell.

You have a chance to make your life NOT a living hell.

Read, re-read and re-read this thread. It's so meaningful to me that I am going to save it to my desktop.

Uncertainone has a pespective that is different from most, and particularly meaningful for me (and perhaps you)..

FRM and Inchoate are also very wise veterans who have helped me walk this painful walk even though if I had known about/listened to them before, the walk might have not been so painful.

Ball's in your court...what I tell myself every day when I falter (which, obviously is often ) and I get lost/confused is this:

What is the NEXT right thing to do? And then, even if it hurts or is scary, I force myself to do it so that at least (in spite of everything else) I can get up in the morning and realize that at least THAT NIGHT I *did* do the "next right thing" as I perceived it to be.

Not carrying a continually cumulative load of guilt and shame has lightened my load considerably, although it's still really heavy.

One step/day/moment/hour/minute/ssecond at a time is all we really have. I'm personally starting to reliaze the value in not projecting forward OR backward and just...doing the next right thing as best I can see it.

((SI))

Geez - I never ever thought I would find so much wisdom and insight into my screwed up life. Thoughts are racing, but here goes:

@Baxter - I know exactly what you are saying. Thank you for spelling it out so eloquently.

@FRM - You really know how to pull it out of me. I hear the song "Feelings" playing in my head.

@Inchoate & BT - That's exactly right...I have to reform my thinking from being so grossly "goal oriented" in everything. It has it's place, but certianly hasn't worked for me here.

@NewBeginning - BH and I had an interesting convo last night. He is a little hung up on "end of days" stuff and whether he will go to heaven or hell. We talked about (religious) ways to wipe the slate clean and try to do better tomorrow, and the next day. Quite ironic I'd say.

Thanks again to everyone here and on PM for your encouragement and support. It is truly invaluable. I will get to the better me. One step at a time.