SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, who has words of wisdom

On the difference between loving a person and being "in love" with a person? My BH says he knows he still loves me and cares about me more than anything or anyone else, but he doesn't know if he's still "in love" with me. I asked for a definition of what it means to be "in love" but he couldn't really put words to it.

Often the love/in love comment comes from the WS side. The old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY)comment. That is usually attributed to a WS who still has their head up their ass.

It is interesting to think of it from the BS side. The only thing I can think of is that any piece of that original, young love that may have made up part of his total love for you is now gone. That young love is referred to as limerance and is okay in new relationships which don't involve cheating. It is the type of head trip that the WS often experiences in their A's but since it is part of a cheating relationship, limerance is a false experience.

I've heard similar from my H, not in those words but the same concept. From my H it means he still strongly desires my well being as someone he loves and wants to see do well, but the "in love" feeling, the warm glow he used to feel in his heart when he saw me, the excitement, the flutters of butterflies in the stomach, is gone. You can love a person intensely, such as your child, your parents, a friend, without feeling romantic love. “In love” requires strong admiration for the other person, qualities that make one giddy and is irresistibly drawn to. This feeling is often severely weakened or destroyed when he finds out that the woman he admired so much before isn't what he thought she was, but he still can’t turn off the wish to see you ok. It’s just that love is now heavy and sad, full of pain, rather than warm glow that “in love” brings. “In love” is a fragile thing. I’m not sure how to bring that back. Sorry I have no words of wisdom. Have been struggling a lot myself today.

[This message edited by burntashes at 7:53 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]

I agree with burntashes.

She said what I was thinking.

I think that for the BS being "in love" is to be vulnerable again (I said this in another thread). I don't think you can really love without being vulnerable. It takes time to heal and be in love again.

As a BW, I agree with burntashes.

I’m not sure how to bring that back.

I'm not in R but I feel that getting those feelings back requires the following:

1. One part healing the M - meaning remorseful WS (NC, no TT, no defensiveness), a BS willing to truly give the gift of R, and fixing relationship related issues (communications, etc).

2. One part WS wooing the BS back, and

3. One part BS being believing that the WS will, more likely than not, be faithful from now on.

BS male here.

I am sorry, but love is an odd thing. He says he loves you, but he is not "in" love with you. JMHO is that he cares about you a lot. He wishes the best of things for you. However the special place he held in his heart for you is gone or at least on a vacation far away from here. He is protecting himself from further hurt. You know you won't do the things that caused this again, but he believed you wouldn't at the beginning of your relationship and was proven wrong. It is very hard to reconcile that.

Right now clear admissions of love aren't going to happen. Try to reverse the roles, what would you feel ? Would you be willing to say ILY without grimacing if he had cheated on you ? Be fair and honest in that exercise and you will see why he says it in the way he does.

"In love"? Great question. For me that phrase means 100% trust, devotion, willingness to be vulnerable with my partner, giving him the benefit of the doubt- always.

Your profile says your DDay was only in January & you TT up until 22 March. Gently, respectfully: your BH is in so much pain, so much shock, that asking him to define such an ephemeral emotion as love is the equivalent to asking him to knit a sweater with Yak hair. He is simply not in a place to answer this. His rollercoaster is just starting. If my SAWH asked me this so early, I would not have reacted well. At all. Perhaps this is a question better saved for later, when your WH has had time to process some of what has happened.

Much of what I said in the earliest days was from a place of pain, of shock, it wasn't necessarily what I authentically thought/felt. IMO, if you want an authentic answer, wait. Be patient. Ask gently. This is all hard I should think. Hard to hear. Hard to ask him. The road is very long and very daunting I know. Ask at an opportune time, when BH seems to be in a good place. When you are in a good place- because you don't know how he'll answer.

~ Sabina

The "in love" feeling always goes away because it is the result of hormonal physical reaction and attraction to a new partner. Really loving someone is a conscious decision.

bewuzzled,

I'm a betrayed spouse/wife..

My husband disclosed his affair, left me to go live with OW, and served me with divorce papers - all in the same day.

He came crying and begging to come back home - 2 months later...And I agreed to work on the marriage.

At that point: If my husband had asked me to to define what "in love" meant - I'm sure that discussion would have escalated into a HUGE FIGHT...and me kicking his butt out the door.

At this point - I believe you are probably receiving the very best answer your betrayed husband can provide you. He's probably very confused, hurt...and finding it difficult to trust you.

Re-read Burtashes' post...it's a wise post.

My opinion: Your husband needs time, and he needs to see remorse, and lots of work from you...before he can even imagine being back in that "in love" stage again.

But, it can happen.

I wish you the very best.

Wow bewuzzled you are really asking some deep questions. But it is the root of the problem for for most all of us here. burntashed has the just of it though.

Falling in Love is a natural and euphoric experience. You know it, it happened when you met your spouse you "fell in love."

Your spouse and your compatibility don't change; your connection changes how you experience them! And by reconnecting, you can change the experience back.

You connected when you fell in love. You can do it again. The first time was a gift. This time you have to "make" love - when you reconnect - everything changes.

I am a BS and sometimes also feel the same way. I care about and love my H but I am not sure that I am 'in love' with him anymore.. The attraction is there, the shared dreams of the future are there, the shared present is there, the sex is definitely back, the communication is being restored, and I am happy to see him, to interact with him, to hug him etc., but I don't have the same 'wow!' feelings I had when we met, courted, married, and pretty much up to the birth of our third child time frame.

Maybe the 'in love' feeling is not just being happy to see or be with someone but being REALLY HAPPY!! Like there is no place on earth and no person on earth that you would rather be/be with. I don't know if that can be brought back or if it is just one of those phases that only happens at the start or part way into a relationship and then just dies a natural death.. if that is the way it is meant to be. The memory of it is still very very nice though!

BS and WS here.

For me during the A 10-11 years ago, I no longer felt I mattered to my then H.

I didn't immediately 'go out' to find that feeling again (as he said it) before talking to him about it.

I did not feel loved by him. I still loved him, but without the reciprocity, 'in love' was no longer there.

I felt it better to explain what it feels like to lose that feeling, than to explain the contented, peaceful feeling of belonging, that followed the relatively short period of explosive, hormonal limerence.

I hope I worded that right.

I never expected to lose my love for him, and even in the A, I cared what happened, so I thought I still 'loved' him but was no longer 'in love' and felt kind of like I was losing my life anyway.

"In love" then, for me, is not being able to imagine being ever with anyone else. I don't think they have to be 'in love' with you for you to have this feeling, but that is perhaps the limerance or infatuation stage, NRE, etc. It is hoped it will settle into a more profound, all encompassing attachment, where it feels that your hearts are sewn together (not literally) but there is a connection there that keeps you from acting in a way to attract other members of the opposite sex.

I personally think he's got it backwards. He's in love with you, but doesn't know if he loves you. Because his anger has been engaged, and he's unsure of you, and uncertainty is stimulating, and limerence is uncertainty, and in love = limerence. Many things feel exciting in the moment without feeling good long term. He's probably very engaged with you and what you've done in the right now, but doesn't know about you from the long view.

I agree with what has been said by others, but I have a little different explanation:

Love is deep care and concern for another

In Love is the "romantic" side of it, unconditional, willing to be 100% vulnerable, and placing another person's feelings and needs above one's own, because there is trust that the other person will do the same

Doubting the In Love piece happens for all sorts of reasons. An A obviously causes that to happen.

I think the best thing I've read about this was a theory by Robert Sternberg I learned about in a developmental psychology class I took. I posted it long ago.

According to Sternberg relationships consist of three key components.

Passion: is like lust, a combination of attraction and sexual desire.

Intimacy: is a closeness, sharing, and bonding between people, sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Commitment: is the decision to remain with another person long-term, and commitment to keeping the relationship alive.

The combination of these results in the 8 types of loving

Non Love: None

Friendship: only intimacy present

Infatuated love: only passion

Empty love: only commitment

Romantic love: Passion and Intimacy

Compassionate love: Intimacy and commitment

Fatuous love: Passion and commitment

Consummate love: all three

I don't think love is static and we can bounce around all types of these loves in relationships.

There are times we can love the other person but not like them, times we don't feel attraction, times we don't feel that close intimacy.

I think the problem is if we remain in an "absent" state too long (one or more key elements missing).

This, to me can be true of any relationship.

A relationship that has experienced infidelity has had all three elements blown out of the water. It's one thing to "miss" an element, it's another thing to now have pain attached to all these key components.

How can you feel passion when it's now clouded with thoughts and images of your spouse with someone else?

How can you feel intimacy when a key component of intimacy is vulnerability and being vulnerable to someone that's hurt you so horribly is an almost impossible task.

How difficult it must be to feel commitment as well. I would honestly think having a strong moral code and self preservation is sometimes the only thing that keeps commitment even in the picture for many BS's.

I asked for a definition of what it means to be "in love" but he couldn't really put words to it.

He may not honestly know right now

(((bewuzzled)))

i just wanted to thank you all for the great responses on this thread. i've been struggling, trying to define this myself, especially lately.

my sister snapped right to, "you aren't 'in-love' with him anymore, so it won't work." i wavered, struggling to find words to describe what i felt was "broken." i'd already decided to D, she wasn't trying to convince me of anything, just be supportive. and i've struggled to define what "broke" on dday for me. that's how i've been describing it...something just broke that day, "it" is tied to being in love. "it" is tied to the innocence...the limerance i thought was real.

for me, much of it is that my guard is up sky high and i don't ever see myself being that vulnerable to him again ever. and that comment about admiration...i've used that word exactly...that i'd need to admire him again somehow, someday to feel in love.

The "in love" feeling always goes away because it is the result of hormonal physical reaction and attraction to a new partner.

i don't really agree with this comment. my 'in love' feeling for WH never went away. that's why i married him. with everyone before him, it wore off. with WH, that feeling just gently slid from hormones to heart.

and then it broke.

anyway, sorry for the ramble. this one hit me where i am today. thanks.

i don't really agree with this comment. my 'in love' feeling for WH never went away.

I agree. We had been together 7 years before dday and my "in love" feelings had grown more and more each year. Dday killed those feelings. Under non-infidelity circumstances, when would those "in love" feelings have subsided?

Under non-infidelity circumstances, when would those "in love" feelings have subsided?

I honestly feel they don't have to subside. I know I've read that it's based on chemicals and that it only lasts 2 years, but I know of 3 couples right now IRL that put the lie to that. They're still head over heels in love with each other after 10, 12, and 20 years of marriage.

Like icbtih8 states, hers grew more with each year. As the two grow together, keep challenging, keep learning as we are always changing, I believe it is completely possible.