SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by SadBlueEyez at 12:45 PM, May 2nd (Monday)]

I'm sorry you are hurting. No bashing from me. What I want to ask you to think about is what is it about you, in you, that allowed yourself to settle to be someone's second, waiting in the wings, and not someone's all?

It sounds like he used you, and said and did whatever he could so he could cake eat. A man who cheats on his wife, who bashes her to another woman to gain her sympathy and everything else he can take, is a user, and that is not love, that is not a loving and kind person and does not deserve you.

Try focusing on yourself and healing, and not on him. You will find lots of support here. Keep posting.

my feelings don't matter at all since I made the choice to cheat

It's not that your feelings don't matter. It's the inevitability of those feelings happening in an affair and the lack of sympathy that situation generates.

You're hurting because you were rejected. That's one of the most common things in the world. The problem with affair situations like this is that you're robbed of a support system as it wasn't a genuine relationship that was ended and you're recovering from the aftermath of that. You'd get lot's of sympathy and commiseration if your boyfriend dumped you as all have been there.

Can MM just forget it all and move on?

Sure. Some do and some don't. It depends on the person and on the internal work they're done.

feel like a private investigator into my own life

Awesome quote although I don't see much of that from your posts. I think you're trying very hard to get some confirmation that you mattered to him and that your absence is painful for him.

I don't see much of you digging into your thought process and internal programing that enabled you to view an affair as a viable option.

The reality is that few people leave their relationships for their affair partner and those that actually do leave don't leave for the affair partner.

Why would a MM dive so deep into a relationship with an OW and then throw her under the bus

Because he didn't "dive so deep". He invested really nothing in you but some time and is exactly where he wants to be.

Now let's look about what this says about you. Nothing. It says something about your choices and where your head's at but someone elses rejection of you doesn't change your worth at all.

You define your worth and the actions you choose shows just what you feel your worth to be.

Start earning your PI license (I really do love that quote ) and start digging. Look at your thought processes. Get to your "whys". You can do this!!! We can help.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 1:19 PM, April 11th (Monday)]

I know exactly how you feel and what it is like to let your mind keep asking questions about why certain things happened they way they did.

I have found that there are some things I will never know or understand. My A ended really bad, even to the point of families, her's and mine, eaching getting involved. I look back and think we loved each other so much why did it end this way? I will never know. And further more at this point as I have to maintain NC, I will never have the chance to ask her.I just have to accept it for it is. It was a lie, it was wrong and I hurt my BS, kids and family as well as all my friends.

I guess the point I am making is that I am no pro at getting over the A. But I am trying to put more energy into my M than I am into the whys and hows of something that will never be. It sucks so bad, but probably not as bad as losing everything in the world which is the road that I was on during the A.

Hang in there...Post here when you feel confused and need help.

[This message edited by SadBlueEyez at 12:46 PM, May 2nd (Monday)]

Oh SadBlueEyez, I wish I knew how to help you!

You're still feeling like this 15 months out? Reality check here. You and AP used each other! I can relate to the history you have with him, but please realize that he is exactly where he wants to be right now - in the M with his W. The affair worked while it worked, but that is long over. He manipulated you, and when he needed to save his own ass, he did exactly that. It's what most cake-eater WS do.

My only advice is to figure out what led you to accept this, to compromise yourself and betray your own H, and to accept being 2nd in AP's life. What made that OK? You were ready to end before the DDay - Why? Focus on how the A was a fantasy and let it go. I understand that a first love has a place in your heart, but he really didn't do you any favors this time around, did he?

Work on YOU. It's all you can do.

((SBE))

SBE, what others have said is true. Your OM used you, told you whatever you wanted to hear to keep you on the hook. As long as you were there, he had the best of both worlds: the security of a W at home to take care of him and everything else and a girlfriend on the side so he could live the "single life."

Most WS bash the BS while in an A (I was one that didn't though but I'm in the minority with that it seems. It's also called rewriting the marital history.) It's just a way to keep the AP on the hook. You felt sorry for him and how he has such a crappy life, you wanted to help him, you wanted to comfort him, etc. etc. I'd bet if you asked his BS what their life was like she'd tell you an entirely different story.

To start helping yourself you need to go no contact with him, even mental no contact and that can be tough as you have learned. I've heard of a few suggestions to help with that that other WS have found to be effective. One is picturing a flaming red STOP sign if thoughts of the AP intrude, snapping a rubber band around your wrist, finding something that will engage your attention 100% so you'll be too busy to think about him. Post here if your thoughts start to wander down that road. If you do that, we can help talk you down.

Work on you. Find out why you thought being second with someone was good enough. Yes, you screwed up. Yes, you hurt your BS terribly but that doesn't have to be who you are. It doesn't have to be what defines you.

As for the AP, screw him (not literally of course ) because he's not good enough to be first with YOU. Give that place back to your H and SHOW him that's his place with you. You'll find plenty of advice on just how to do that. If you're still reticent on reaching out on here, there's a great book for those in our position. It's called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's short (less than 100 pages) and goes straight to the point about what you did, how damaged your BH is by it and how you can fix it. It may even give you some very good insights about why you did this.

Good luck to you both. And remember, you have lots of help and support here. All you have to do is ask.

I came on here because I am trying to deal with the feelings of being used. Telling me how used and manipulated I was doesn't help--it's something I already KNOW and it's extremely hard to deal with--I'm searching for a solution, I'm reaching out for some help. I'm doing all I can to do the introspective work that needs to be done to heal...and like I said, I've been struggling.

Clarissa--thank you so much for that advice about no mental contact. There hasn't been ANY contact at all since the destructive ending. The thoughts, well--I can't seem to escape them, but I will try to use some of the things you posted to help.

Things were bad in my affair partner's marriage--it was confirmed by mutual friends and his mother and sisters to me. I suppose that's the confusing part--all that whining and doing nothing to change except having a lil' fun (me) on the side and continuing to complain and say how much he hated his wife and hated his life.

I struggle to get what I want out here to help anyone understand me. I've been dealing with the problems within and my H and I are really working hard on the R.

I'm ashamed of myself. It makes me sick to think about all I gave to someone that didn't care

My affair partner contacted my H while he was communicating with me and telling me he wasn't going anywhere...and after a day of calls and texts to my H, he wrote me off. He was trying to work his magic on my H to help save his ass, but my H is far superior in intellect than my affair partner. I don't get that!!!!! Who does that?? Has anyone else experienced that?? How could he be so bold and brazen?? Was he that far out of touch and did he really think he was that invincible??

How much detail do I give on here? My affair partner and his wife did some crazy things after D-Day....

When you post here, we're going to give you the truth. While we understand your pain, it's not going to help you if we pat your arm and say "there, there."

Cheaters lie. That's who they are when they're cheating. Some of them keep lying.

This jumped out at me:

I'm ashamed of myself. It makes me sick to think about all I gave to someone that didn't care

See, this is what we have a problem with. You're ashamed and sick because you gave yourself to someone who didn't care, not that you helped him cheat on his wife. Not that you helped him betray his vows. Not that your actions caused his wife pain. You haven't even talked about being sick and ashamed of betraying your OWN H.

You might want to think about that instead of focusing so much on yourself. You're putting FAR too much energy into thinking about, worrying about and trying to figure out the OM. He's just not all that. You're worth far more than the lying guy who helped you sink to this depth.

[This message edited by Fallen at 8:26 PM, April 11th (Monday)]

SadBlueEyez,

I have been where you are now. Sometimes I wonder if I am still there. It took me about 16 months after MOW threw me under the bus before I started seeing things differently.

Eventually you will have to put that in its place. You will have to accept that you will not get the answers to your wondering thoughts. You will not really be able to find peace with what happened if you try to put the MOM's actions into perspective.

You do need to realize that you were pretty messed up during the A. You don't necessarily need to deny what happened, but you need to realize that it was a crazy time and the things you did were also crazy and illogical.

Look to yourself for answers, not to the MOM.

For what its worth, most of us who are responding are either OW or OM.

there is a place for you here. Stick around for a while longer.

My affair partner sang me a sad song of a miserable life with his wife--telling me he "hated" her. It was overwhelming to hear after not being together for so many years (dated in high school on and off for years). I just didn't learn. I went back to the "boy" that I lost my virginity to and listened to him and believed him and got wound up with him all over again.

AP also relayed how miserable he was with his wife; he opened that window to his marriage when I only knew him on a casual basis at work. I was very naive, knew NOTHING about boundaries, and also lost my virginity with AP. I too was "wound up" with him, off and on, for 15 years. One of the first things he told me early in the A was that we were still "good people" (he actually believed he was a good husband, and that I was a good girlfriend), and what we were doing ultimately wasn't hurting anyone. What a fool I was; my LTA turned my marriage and family life upside down.

Why would a MM dive so deep into a relationship with an OW and then throw her under the bus?

As Wwnomore stated, his primary concern was to save his own ass, and although it's common for WS's to grieve and focus on the AP, to truly heal, we need to focus on our weaknesses, and on the "Why". As Uncertainone said, "start digging", and take the focus off AP.

SadBlueEyez, like you, my LTA was discovered when BH reviewed email correspondence. I can't describe the pain and shock BH has experienced; he is utterly devastated. Both BH and I are NC with AP and respective family members, but I must also live the with damage I caused his wife (doesn't matter what he reportedly told me about her), and his daughters.

I'm ashamed of myself. It makes me sick to think about all I gave to someone that didn't care

Honey, you "gave" yourself. That isn't being used. That is offering yourself up like a cheeseburger at McDonald's.

I'm not bashing you. I'm repeating what you just said.

How are you defining yourself here? Honestly?

Are you a Wayward spouse?

or

Are you the Betrayed Other Woman?

If you define yourself as being the Betrayed Other Woman you are deluding yourself. You were/are a married woman. You knew that he was married. It doesn't matter what shit he shoveled your way. You KNEW that both of you should not be in a relationship regardless of what anyone else said.

He took what you offered and gave you what you needed to feed your "Florence Nightingale". You justified your Affair by taking what he was offering just as he justified fucking you because you were willing.

Mutually usery. You created a one sided fantasy to clean up a dirty tawdry mundane affair.

Who does that?? Has anyone else experienced that?? How could he be so bold and brazen?? Was he that far out of touch and did he really think he was that invincible??

Why do you care? Really, Why are asking yourself about being dumped by a guy that had no respect for your marriage, your children, your husband, and you? Why do you care about someone that you had no respect for? You didn't respect his marriage, his wife, his kids or him. Why are you hanging on to this?

How does your husband feel about you being hung up on and still thinking about your AP?

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 9:38 PM, April 11th (Monday)]

SBE - you will never get the closure you seek from MOM. What could he really say to you at this point anyway? It was all insanity! The closure you will get comes from inside you.

1st - Learn to see him as a man that cheated and lied to 2 women. A selfish and uncaring man that strung you along for his benefit, and put 2 families in jeopardy. When push came to shove, you got shoved under the bus and he went back home to his BW. He is exactly where he wants to be. Plus, he expected you to save him from his own mess! That should be all you need to know. How can he do that to someone he supposedly loved - well who knows? That's his deal to figure out and fortunately, has nothing to do with you. Get angry about what he did to you!

2nd - Learn to see your own role in this. You did the same thing MOM did. If you really are unconcerned with your own M/BH, then divorce him. Sounds to me like the ONLY reason this ended is that your H caught you. Now you feel sick and ashamed. Go with that and get to your WHY for being a party to the A.

Obviously, I was a MOW too. The difference is that I knew the score from day 1. I absolutely knew what I was doing was wrong and I did it anyway. I also knew that there was no chance in hell my AP would stand up for me on a DDay. I was prepared for the bus. I heard words of love and forever from a man whose goal #1 was to keep it all a dirty little secret. YUCK! That scared the crap out of me and pissed me off, and I left before DDay happened. Did AP love me? Not really. But saying and living that fantasy sure felt good while it lasted. It was also a LTA with a first love but it digusted me after about 6 months in. I am working on ME now.

Where do you want to go from here? R?

edited for clarity

[This message edited by wwnomore at 7:59 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

I don't get that!!!!! Who does that?? Has anyone else experienced that?? How could he be so bold and brazen?? Was he that far out of touch and did he really think he was that invincible??

How much detail do I give on here? My affair partner and his wife did some crazy things after D-Day....

Of course they did. People shoot other people over shit like this. It isn't a fucking game.

Affairs are crazy. They twist reality for everyone.

The WS is often in a complete altered state and has some seriously flawed thought processes and logic that enables them to allow an affair to even be a choice.

The BS is living a complete lie unbeknownst to them and finds out that black was white and up was down...AND that they really aren't crazy.

So, yeah...it happens to pretty much everyone.

"Who does this shit"??? Well, apparently you...and just about everyone else on this forum.

You're explaining this expecting us to be shocked and we're all just nodding and saying, BTDT, now what?

...I'm hoping to learn, to be challenged and grow from reaching out.

Are you? We'll help. Mourning and grieving is ok and expected. Making the target of your recovery trying to make sense of the MM and his situation won't get you much support.

It's very hard but you knew that the second you chose to cheat.

Now, let's start fixing this because it can be done and you're really gonna like how you look (inside )

[This message edited by uncertainone at 7:52 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

Hello SadBlueEyez

I read your posts and on certain issues, we are kindred spirits. My affair was with my ex-high school girlfriend after a 30 year absence and like yours, the affair has destroyed lives, mine included. You can read the whole messy story (most of it anyhow) on my profile page. From what I read of your posts here, you have some unresolved issues that you have to deal with and perhaps I can help a bit.

SadBlueEyez - I still have questions swirling in my mind and feel so used by my affair partner. How can a MM tell his OW so many horrible things about his wife and when his back is against the wall stay with her? Why would a MM dive so deep into a relationship with an OW and then throw her under the bus?

You’ve seen some answers on your post already and maybe they resonate with you and maybe they don’t. The interesting thing of SI is that quite often the posts speak to the writer’s particular situation more often than not and in reality, the answers don’t apply to your particular situation. However, there do seem to be some universal one size fits all themes here which have a kernel of truth to each of them. We’re not swinging 2x4s out of spite but rather, we are trying very bluntly and emphatically to share our thoughts and wisdom because after all, we’re all BTDT people.

So, was there real love between the MM and yourself? Maybe there was and maybe there wasn’t but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference one way or the other. Quite often, you hear the stock reply that the MM was just a user, he had no feelings and what should you expect from a bum like that. For instance, caspers1wish wrote that a man who cheats on his wife, who bashes her to another woman to gain her sympathy and everything else he can take, is a user, and that is not love, that is not a loving and kind person and does not deserve you. And the simple truth is that it doesn’t matter. It’s not a case of whether your MM had strong love, or true love. What matters in the end is what he did. His actions will always speak louder than his words.

I was the OM in my affair (my AP was also married) and I don’t view myself as being a user, a cad or a preyer of loose women. What I was telling my AP was the truth in my heart as best as I could feel it at the time. I honestly thought and felt that we were rekindling a lost love. This was our destiny and we were soul mates. And yet, when my wife confronted me with her fears and suspicions some 8 months later, it took me a whole day to throw my AP under the bus too. What happened to me? How did I go from saying that I was her forever love today to throwing her under the bus the very next?

Well, in some respects, we had already been heading in that direction over a period of time and in another sense, it was crunch time and a very hard decision had to be made. In some respects, the conflict of the affair had been surfacing for some time already. I knew that I was cheating and did not feel comfortable with how that impacted on my self-respect. I suspected that my feelings were not based on mutual love and understanding but rather the basis was rooted in the relationship which we once had some 30 years before. It wasn’t that I was in love with the woman I knew now but rather, it was the fact that I was holding onto feelings for the girl that I had know some 30 years before. As I got to know her more and more, there already had been signs that there was a conflict between my fantasy and the reality of our love. Sadly enough, even as I thought about it, the thrill of the affair still kept me from digging deep into those issues. Better to just let my heart go along with the flow as compared to making an issue over it all. Perhaps this is what happened to your MM.

And then of course, when push came to shove, there was no room for two women. You see, unlike your MM, I didn’t have a bad marriage and I had never rewritten my marriage into one that was hell. It had never been a case of not loving my wife and falling in love with my AP but rather, it was that I loved my wife on one level and also had feelings for my AP on the other. Was I conflicted on the day that I had to make the choice? To a certain degree yes, but in reality, I think I had already known that one path was more true to me than the other. Staying with my marriage is more the real HUFI than chasing after a hurt boys dream was.

Did I throw my AP under the bus? Yes, I did and in fact, my follow-up NC letter was a very harsh and nasty one designed specifically to cut all and any possibilities for changing my mind. How did I do this? Why did I do this?

How to create emotional indifference to the AP - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=379158

I’m the one that wrote the post on creating emotional indifference and I have put everything into practice that I wrote about or read about in a very deliberate manner in order to create this indifference. I had to pick that path or else I would be repeating history by simply hanging on to the feelings once more and I could not afford to go down that path once again. Everyone involved in my affair was hurt and I don’t want to ever be responsible for doing this again.

So, how did your MM throw you under the bus? Well, perhaps it was that there never was a real deep relationship to start off with. And you know, perhaps the reverse is also true. Perhaps he came to the decision to throw you under the bus because his wife forced the issue. Perhaps the threat of losing access to the children, of being taken to the cleaners and having to start a life with you with no money, no job and no future scared him.

The scenarios are endless and it all depends on where you start from. If you view him as a cad, then you cast him into choices that hurt you by design and yet, if you want to hold onto the fantasy, then you can come up with the scenarios where he is the doomed lover, forever destined to be apart by fate. That’s what I did for the 30 years apart from my xgf. I never let go and I always hung on to the possibilities of the future. One day, it will work out. One day, we will meet. Ahh, sweat dreams.

Well, here is the reality. One day "it" finally happened and the shit storm descended and destroyed two marriages.

Do you want to hold onto romantic fantasies or would you rather just accept that it happened, it’s over and that you are determined that it will never happen again. If that is the case then you will take whatever steps you need to move beyond this hurt and rejection. All I know is that if I had dealt with the rejection and pain of our first breakup the right way, this whole mess would never have happened and my golden years with my wife would not be plagued with lack of love, trust and respect.

SadBlueEyez - I'm posting because I haven't reached out to anyone here before. There is just no talking things through or help out there for OW--until I came to this site. I don't want to be bashed.

Well, like BaxtersBFF said, most of the WS’s here were an OM or OW at some point of time and therefore, the WS forum serves that purpose. The funny thing is that since my AP was married, technically, I was the OM on her side of the fence but in truth, I don’t see myself as that. Maybe it’s just a matter of self—preservation that I don’t. It’s hard enough to deal with the WS side, never mind accepting the guilt of being the OM too.

On the other hand, I know that I see my actions of being the WS as more important to deal with. After all, it’s my WS status that impacts my marriage more so than not. The OM status is secondary to my WS status. I have no ties that bind me to the AP or her husband and so, other than on a technicality, my OM status has never been something that I had to deal with.

In some respects, identifying yourself as the OM is a way of holding onto the fantasy of the affair. It’s your victim identity come to life. You were hurt, you were victimized. Hmmm, when you read that, it seems that the WS side isn’t taking precedence like it should be.

Uncertainone - I think you're trying very hard to get some confirmation that you mattered to him and that your absence is painful for him.

I think that this is a reality for some of us. For some, especially the ONS affairs, there seems to be no emotional connection but for people like us who got involved with someone from our past, quite often we invested our feelings and emotions into our affairs. And so, it hard to let go. It’s a matter for grieving the loss of the affair as much as anything else. You have the right to cry and grieve but ultimately, you have to let go and move forward. If you don’t, your chances at R dwindle away to nothing.

Your problem of course lies in the fact that the AP can’t validate these feelings. If he did, you run the risk of starting up your affairs again. Why hold onto something that is not much more than mental masturbation? Even if you found out that he really cared and that you really mattered, the truth is that those feelings were not enough for you to give up your marriages. Think of it this way, while you wonder how much your AP loved you considering that he could throw you under the bus, perhaps, on certain days, he sits and wonders why it is that you never left your husband for him during the affair?

The truth is regardless of this “validation”, the reality of the affair is what is staring you in the eye right now. Your love was not strong enough and your marriages are both a living hell. For all of you. You need to understand that having “feelings” are not grounds for affairs. If you have feelings, file for divorce and then act on those feelings. It’s as plain and simple as that.

Quote from SadBlueEyez - I had a yearlong affair with my high school sweetheart after not seeing him for 21 years. It ended because my husband discovered my secret email account and saw everything.

Let me ask you this question. If your H had not discovered your affair, would it still be going on? My wife asks me that sometimes and while I try to argue that perhaps it might have ended on its own, the sad truth is that perhaps it might not either. So, what about your affair? Does your H struggle with the fact that this affair might have just kept on going and going if he had not stumbled on it?

And yes, you were thrown under the bus! But your H has his whole life ripped apart too. And so did the MM’s wife. Everyone got hurt and the whole thing got messy. So what? Are you responsible for his marriage? Your MM was not dragged into this affair by you and so, he has at least 50% of the guilt and shame for wrecking his marriage. You need to worry about your own.

Let me ask this one last question. You don’t have to reply but I think that you need to be honest with yourself about the answer. If you had to flip a coin right now, to pick who you would end up with (the MM or your H), in that very brief instant as the coin is still flipping in the air, what do you want o see happen? Do you want to see heads (husband) or tails (MM)?

I think that if you are still conflicted as to what you want, then the whole issue of getting past this is going to still plague you. I think that “uncertainty” happens when you are not in synch with your heart’s desire yet.

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you - Unknown

Perhaps part of this conflict rests in the fact that your MM was an x-boyfriend. Perhaps there had been unresolved issues between the two of you that were part of the reason behind the affair. I know that the “unresolved issues” of my past were behind my affair. So, are they resolved now? And if they aren’t, why not? What is making you hold on? Holding on to this “love’ can be a way to protect your own heart. Holding is one way to cope with the trauma of rejection but while it works in the short term with no problems, in the long term, it just creates bigger problems. You have to figure out how to accept this as the new reality and move onward. Until then, you can’t let go of the past and therefore, you can’t focus on the future.

SadBlueEyez - My DH and I are in the process of R and the aftermath of it all has been hell.

BTW, how is R going? Are you going to IC and does your H also go? Have you invited him here to SI so he can gain some support from the BS community? Have you shared with him these thoughts? Are you willing to?

Anyhow, I don’t want to overwhelm you. If you have more questions, post and the WS community will support you and be here for you.

HUFI

Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 9:23 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

I think that this is a reality for some of us. For some, especially the ONS affairs, there seems to be no emotional connection but for people like us who got involved with someone from our past, quite often we invested our feelings and emotions into our affairs. And so, it hard to let go.

That's different than craving confirmation that you matter to someone.

It's one thing to grieve and mourn the loss. It's another thing to chase the validation that you mattered to another.

That bleeds into all aspects of your life and makes growing impossible as you're constantly looking to others to define your worth.

it's common for WS's to grieve and focus on the AP, to truly heal, we need to focus on our weaknesses, and on the "Why"

Yep...why, why, why. Oh, and why.

this has been a very helpful discussion and I really appreciate the OP's bravery in posting it and all the responses....

SadBlueEyez - I know what you're feeling and they're right. It's just so damn hard to wrap your head around the idea that you were used...I struggle with this but need to put all of my energy on finding out why I allowed myself to use and be used and also, my own marriage.

SBE - Continuing something I said to you in PM, but I think may redirect this thread to be of more help, so I will put it out there and see what others have to say:

Some people are not who we thought they were. And that is truly devastating, especially when we had real feelings for that person. This is a particular danger with old flame A's. Just ask HUFI (hope you don't mind me calling you out ). He did allude to this in his comments to you. I did the old flame A too. So did many others here.

We look back with young love hearts and rose colored glasses, and think we can start back up where we left off. Some of us are resolving those old feelings, some are searching for the comforting feelings we remember. For most, it doesn't work out that way at all. Ever heard the saying about meeting your hero? Something about knowing who they really are ruins the fantasy?

I am intrigued by this because it extends to BS too....their S is clearly NOT who they thought they were. But, through REAL love and acceptance there is an opportunity to heal and to grow. The A is not real love. If it was, we wouldn't be here on WS talking about it. It hurts, and it bites, and we are left to heal ourselves, but we can do it. Kind people are here to help.

Please chime in with thoughts and experiences that may help SBE.

(edited clarity - maybe)

[This message edited by wwnomore at 2:19 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

SBE as others have said, you are not going to find closure from the OM and for one simple reason: there IS no closure in an A. Many, many WS have said "I want to talk to them just one more time so I can get closure". Tried that one myself.

Know what?

Didn't get it.

I too had to deal with the feelings of rejection when OM threw me under the bus when my H confronted him. It was all about him (the OM) that day. The first thing he said was meant to cover his own ass. So, that right there told me what he really thought and felt about me. I'd deluded myself that the OM actually did care about me but his words told me a much different story. Those words were "I didn't do anything wrong." Really??

He knew I was M (I never took my ring off so he HAD to know) but that didn't make a damn bit of difference to him. He wanted a piece of a$$ and used my insecurities to get it. But, I admit, I let him get it because of those self same insecurities.

I think you really need to answer one (of many) questions that have been asked of you and that question is: why was being second best for someone good enough for you?

If OMs M was that crappy why didn't he file? You knew how crappy it was since you said you had corroboration from friends and family. There are probably a number of reasons he didn't get the D ball rolling but you obviously wasn't one of them. You weren't important enough for him to end his M for. Looking in from the outside, I think you see this whether or not you accept it. And if you weren't happy in your M, why didn't you end it rather than proceed on the path that only leads to destruction?

All us WS have three choices in this situation.

1. We talk to our spouse about what we're feeling. We communicate.

2. We file for and proceed with D.

3. We have an A.

Every WS here chose option 3 and look where it got us. We created our own version of hell and dragged our BS along for the ride.

I think this would be an excellent thread for you to read to help with your obvious feelings of withdrawal.

(courtesy of Maia)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622&HL=8268

I admit to never really reading this thread since I personally never went through withdrawal but from what I understand it has some very good advice for working through those feelings.

Good luck to you. We're here to help regardless of what side of the triangle you're on.

SBE-

I can tell you are really struggling. You have gotten some really good advice already - may not be what you were really looking for, but some veteran WSs have weighted in here. I recommend going back and re-reading your thread and really let things sink in.

I know I should just sweep it all away and carry on, but I struggle with the thoughts.

The statement concerns me. While I think you are referring to your thoughts of OM, I am discovering that nothing should be swept away. If it is hanging around in your head, there is a reason and you need to find it in order to resolve it. You are giving OM way too much mental space - still. It is hard to face the music of what we have done, but you are just as guilty in this as OM is. You were married too. I find it odd that you seem to only refer to yourself as the OW as opposed to a WW. You had an A. You cheated on your H. You used OM just as he used you. If you are committed to NC, you will never know what is going on in OM's head or how/why he dropped you like a hotcake for his W. That is just another reality and consequence of your A.

I think you need to take a step back and really consider what you want. If you truly was R and what to salvage what is left of your M, there is NO ROOM for giving mental space to OM. If you want your M, OM is absolutely irrelevant - it doesn't matter why he used you, that he used you, that he lied to you. Nothing about OM matters if you what your H. Are you sure you really want R? It sounds like you might not really be sure, but are not willing to let yourself go there. You have to be honest with yourself in order to heal yourself, your M and help your BH heal.

I'm not trying to swing another 2x4 here, but I imagine that is what it feels like. You came here for help. We are all here to help you. But sometimes the help you get isn't always what you want to hear. Sometimes it is important to listen to what your world is telling you - might not always be what you were hoping for or expecting...all the more reason to listen.

Sending your prayers for strength and healing.

((SBE))