SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a 22 year old male. I have been dating my wife since I was 14 and we were married at age 18. For the longest time I thought that we had a special relationship because we loved one another very much and we were our first everything (never intimate with anyone else). I honestly thought that I would be the last person this would happen too, because my wife appeared to be loyal for so long. I am fortunate in the nature of the affair that it was a 1 time event spurred on further by the consumption of alcohol. My two friends were visiting my city and were staying over the weekend at my apartment. Friend A had been discussing all weekend about going to a local club and specifically getting bottle service. I have never been one for clubs, but after 2 days of saying no, I broke down and agreed to go Sunday evening. My wife also enjoys clubs like my friend. I still refused to pitch in for bottle service as I had class the following morning at 9am. Friend A eventually paid for the bottle service for everyone with his own money. It was like $150 for a bottle of vodka and a special VIP section. It was there last night in town so I decided what the heck and drank with them. Before long the bottle was gone. The first thing my wife did out of character was sat on some random chic's lap and made out with her for a few minutes. I didn't intervene, but was definitely shocked. We walked home about 3am and I immediately laid down on the couch and began to fall asleep. My wife threw up in the bathroom and laid down next to me on the couch. Soon after, Friend A who was intent on getting bottle service and who appeared to be awfully sober, picked my wife up and carried her into out bedroom. There was never any type of attraction between the two in the history of our friendship as far as I could tell. I was very much out of it yet I do remember some things. Friend A came back out a few minutes after carrying her in there and said "Dude, you need to come in here." I remember responding along the lines of "No, im passed out here." A few minutes later Friend B had walked into the bedroom and quickly come out saying, "Dude, you need to go get your wife, now." I remember be very unconcerned. After a few minutes I walked in, saw them next to one another and laid down at the foot of the bed until he left the room a few seconds later. The following weeked, my wife confessed to me that they had made out and she had more or less groped him. This was shocking to me and I probed both of them with questions for the following several days. Every time I asked questions, I got a little more information from her only, yet the excuse was that they both didn't remember much because they were so intoxicated. I questioned the legitimacy of that statement because how could my "sober" 140 lb friend carry my 145 lb wife into the bedroom without falling? Eventually, to my total surprise, she confessed about a week after the incident that they had sex. This was about 15 feet from where I was laying on the couch in the adjacent room. From my understanding of both of their confessions, she was the pursuer and initiated most of it. It started with kissing, then groping, then fingering, then cowboy and missionary. He did ask her to get on top of him to which she did not reject. Having been around my wife when she is intoxicated, I know for a fact how she acts. She is uncontrollably sexually aggressive, to the point where her sexual desires cannot be satiated. Additionally, she has a small history of blacking out, which was the initial story I was told. She would often return home after a night out with the girls and 70% of the time she would puke and then go to sleep. She never seemed to know her limit or monitor her intake. About 4 hours after the sex occurred, my friend came into the room, woke her up and asked to talk to her. So they went out to the staircase of my apartment building to talk about what happened. Apparently in the staircase, Friend A asked if the sex could continue into the future. She said he wanted sex right then and there. She said no, but they made out one last time and he squeezed her ass under her clothing. This morning intimacy is another reason why I don't buy the drunk excuse. If there were a hairy monkey in the bedroom she wouldn't have screwed it even if drunk. She made a contingent choice in having sex with him. It has been 2 months since the incident and I have cut of complete communication with Friend A, yet I have occasionally sent nasty messages to him. My wife and I have had a lot of discussions and as far as I know she has answered all the questions I have asked. I even told her that I thought she probably considered it the best sex. To my surprise she affirmed that she had even said to him that it was the best sex she had ever had. She responded honestly to me that it was because his dick was thicker and longer. I do regret asking her why it was the best as that has caused great self-esteem issues with my attractiveness, penis size, and ability to satisfy her. We have had sex a few times since then, but haven't for over 2 weeks now. I must have been in denial for the first week, because the pain has only increased since then. As a man, I never thought I would resort to a forum like this, but my emotions are such a rollercoaster I cant control them. I have stopped crying for the most part. The pain I feel sometimes turns to anger. One minute I'll be totally fine and the next minute Ill be blaming myself for what happened and asking myself "why why why?" My obsessive tendencies have increased since the affair and without fail I obsess over the affair every single night when I am trying to fall asleep. I have had so much difficulty sleeping even though my body is really tired. Last night I got 2 hrs sleep. I have considered divorce, yet i continue to weigh my options. I am trying to think of what would be best for ME. I feel that she is so stupid and naive to have let herself get into this situation yet I also feel responsible for having not 'satisfied her enough that she would look elsewhere.' My esteem is low enough that I don't feel anyone would want to date me though I know this isn't true. When I consider the investment of time into our relationship and the potential pain associated with divorce, I have decided to forgive her this ONCE and try and work through it. From the very beginning she has been very remorseful and became super-spiritual very quickly. It sickened me to some degree because I felt she was a hypocrite to be so black and white. She has vowed never to touch alcohol for the rest of her life, which I think is a ignorant and unrealistic promise to make since we have most of our lives in front of us. She hasn't touched it since and she also stopped smoking weed. I thought I was pretty far on the road to recovery, yet I find myself so hurt sometimes and I can't suppress the feelings. We also argue frequently following outbursts of anger spurred on by hurt that I have. We have begun marriage counseling and it is going well so far. Recently she has been less tolerant with my criticisms (i am a critical person) and has not submitted in quietness when I have my 'moments.' Though she is not required to put up with my anger, when she retaliates it only makes me more upset. I know theres life ahead of me, but I want to heal faster. I also worry about the future because someone who cheats once could potentially cheat again. And in such a easy circumstance, I can't imagine how she would react if she were really put to the test with a really attractive male around at work or something. I also worry about the future because of her unfaithfulness in the beginning of our relationship. Granted, I understand we were in high school, but she sent a nude photo to a dude in school when we were dating and also sought consolation from my bf in high school when we were having disagreements. That friendship ended disastrously also when he attempted to steal her away from me. Anyway, I already feel much better venting in writing as I've need to do this for awhile. If there are any BS husbands that can relate to me I would love the input. I am very fragile and am extremely confused. I cant concentrate on any of my school work and this is my last semester in college. I'm so mad at her at times I want her to hurt like me. I cant describe the insatiable anger I have for Friend A. It could be very bad if I was in the same room as him. Also any advice from WS wives would be great too. My wife is a very sensitive person. Her love language is physical affection which tends to be very hard for me to show as I didn't receive much as a child. She is very sorry and wants to move forward. Any insight into her thoughts or experience would be good too. I am mostly struggling with doubts and questions like "what did I do to cause this." Thanks

(((((hurtconfusedmad)))))

First of all, welcome to SI.

I'm so sorry you have had to find the club none of us wanted to join.

Second, I'm glad you found us because this is the best site on the internet to find the support you need.

You need to read everything you can in The Healing Library in the left hand upper corner of your screen.

Infidelity in your marriage is one of the most painful things you will ever experience.

Stay here, post and listen to the advice. The seasoned veterans will guide you every step of the way!!

BIg big hugs!!!!

Many hugs to you(((()))) you've been hit by the infidelity truck, glad you found us but sorry for reasons you are here. First and far most STOP blaming yourself for your wife's infidelity... You might be the blame for some of the problems in the marriage but she is responsible for sleeping with your best friend while you lie asleep in the next room... How disrespectful I'd that???

From your post I gather that this was bound to happen at some point bc she went after your friend in HS....shes an opportunist and totally shellfiish..Now she's all apologetic and religious now....I say BS....you might want to have yourself checked out for std's...whatever you do don't get her pregnant... Use condoms until you are sure that you want her to continue to be your wife.....

Others will be along to give you support...

What do you really want to do???

(((hurtconfused)))

I am a female BS but a BS the same.

Only you can answer the stay or go.

I for one am glad to see you are in counseling. Give it time. Getting mad and angry gets you nowhere.

You need to look at who she is now. What is she doing now? Is she now who you want to be with. Poor boundaries cause affairs.

Her having sex with someone else has nothing to do with you... This one is all on her. Her saying his tool was bigger etc.. Pleeezzze.

Just another excuse in my book. Don't let her excuse her actions. She needs to dig deep to understand why she did this and why did she make out with the chick? Hmmmm? Is she sexually curious?

Sorry you are here with us.

Welcome to SI, and sorry you are here.

Just some advice - in addition to marriage counselling, I would ask her to get individual counselling for herself. Extreme sexual aggression when drunk, and a pattern of seeking "consolation" from other men when she fights with you, mean she has some serious issues that she needs to work through. You may also want to get your own counselling, to help with your healing and to deal with the anger.

Focus on yourself and your healing, and *know* that whatever happens with the marriage, it *will* get better for YOU.

First things first. Get it out of your head that this is your fault or there was something you could have done to prevent this. Stop beating yourself up with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. This is NOT your fault. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat those words. The blame is with your wife and your former friend plain and simple.

Second, I am so sorry you are here. This is a place none of us want to be and I am very sorry that you are struggling like so many of us. You will get great advice here. Some of it won’t always be what you want to hear but remember these people have been in your shoes. Every time I think I cannot be shocked any deeper or that other people’s story can’t possibly be worse than mine I am trumped every time. There are some very selfish, spoiled, immature, broken people out there that don’t think their actions have any consequences to themselves or anyone else.

I am not a male BS but your situation speaks to me on many levels. My husband’s AP (affair partner) was our 22 year old nanny who is his cousin’s wife. His cousin looked up to him like a brother. My husband is in his mid 30s. Like you they married young (18) and had been together since they were 13 years old. My husband also got married at 19 and that marriage lasted five years. There was cheating in that relationship too. I think when some people get married young they act out and rebel. I have a friend who got married at 20 and is now having a mid life crisis at 33, cheating, partying, and acting like she’s 21 again.

You are very young and if you don’t have children you really do have the rest of your life ahead of you. Think long and hard about what YOU want. Talk to people you trust. Get some counseling. Colleges typically have free support services. The suck part about reconciliation is there are not guarantees. We give them another chance with the hope they won’t stab us in the back again. I know there are people who marry young who get to grow old together but the fact of the matter is you will change so much and so will your wife. I’m not the woman I was at 22 and I’m only 10 years older than you. I met my husband when I was 22. Looking back I can say without a doubt I was still way too young to dive into a serious relationship the way that I did. Had I given myself more time I would have seen the red flags smacking me right in the face!

You don’t have to make a decision today, tomorrow, a year from now, five years from now. You get to decide if/when this is over. She lost that right the second she thought it was okay to touch anyone other than her husband (male or female).

Take care of yourself. One thing I do to help me sleep is I think of something that makes me really happy. In my case it’s my boys playing on the beach or laying with them in a hammock and watching the clouds roll by. If I feel those negative thoughts and mind movies creeping in I literally say; STOP! And then I focus on another happy memory. Sadly they are usually memories without my spouse. I have yet to find a way to incorporate him into my happy thoughts but I hope to get there someday.

I also want to reiterate what another poster said. DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT. Your emotions will run high and don’t be surprised if you find yourself wanting to have a lot of sex to reclaim the relationship. This is not uncommon. Within weeks of finding out about the affair my husband’s affair partner got pregnant to hold on to her husband. The baby is due any time now. When I spoke to cousin (the other betrayed spouse who is 22 years old); “You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You have no kids. You can move on free and clear. I really hope you think long and hard about what you want out of life and what you deserve because you sure as $hit didn’t deserve this.” And within weeks she was pregnant. It just confirmed what a manipulative user she is. Use protection if you are with her; it’s a good idea anyway until you get tested for STDs. It sucks but that’s another thing you should do; also should be low cost or free if your college has a health clinic. Please look into it!

Thank you so much for your responses. Its been so helpful today just to get my feelings out and hear others thoughts about my situation. We did have sex a few times in the first few weeks, but I refused to have sex with her in the last 2 weeks. Im just uncomfortable with her and I dont want her. She was already checked for STD's (negative) and has fortunately been on birthcontrol for several months, because they didn't even use a condom! If they would have conceived, I think I would be long gone. I definitely am not obligated to continue in the relationship and I understand that. A contract was broken and I need time to think about whether I will recommit or let the relationship go. I have found that I spend more time thinking about the affair and more time in pain when I am around her. We live in a 700 sq ft apartment so we aren't apart very frequently. I have found myself getting short tempered with her and she hasn't been as patient lately as she was. I have been considering separating for a few days or even weeks to allow myself time to process and each of us to work on our individual issues. In May I will be flying home to Florida alone. I haven't purchased a return flight and I'm thinking about staying an extra week or two to see how things hold up when we are apart. There have been very few times that we have been apart for more than 24 hrs since we married. Im worried that if I tell her to live somewhere else for a week (arrangements could be made) that I will miss her or regret separating and ask her to come back in the first few days. I don't want to jerk her or her family friend around like that. Another part of me really wants her to hurt the way I am. I've considered meeting women to start looking for dating opportunities. I want her to feel the disloyalty I have. I have heard that if I have decided to move forward in the marriage that the best thing to do is pull together and work on our issues. But part of me wants to be alone. Is separation a bad idea, or could it be just what I need to process the hurt inside?

Your emotions are all over the map right now. This is normal. Your heart and soul have suffered a major trauma that will take a very long time to heal from whether you reconcile or divorce. Give yourself time to sort through your emotions.

As much as you are hurting right now please do not have a revenge affair. If you want out get out, close this door, heal and move on but do not cheat. You have boundaries and morals and standards; do not compromise them because your spouse lacks the same. There are many here that have had RAs and all of them regret it. It’s stooping to their level and only makes matters worse. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Space may be what you need. Just be honest with your feelings. If she doesn’t like it boo friggin hoo. She lost that right. You have to do what you need to heal. But take positive strides. Go to counseling, take up a hobbie, play a sport, write, journal, read everything you can about surviving this pain but don’t hurt your soul more than it’s already hurting. Try not to drink too much, try not to over eat, don’t spend time with women who may tempt you, when you’re anger is building take a walk and talk yourself down. You need to love yourself right now.

Here is a relatively simple formula that I would recommend you consider: Serial cheater(see her past) +no kids+ you are young+alcohol problem+selection of your friend as a partner+past selection of a friend as a partner= Run for the hills.

Dump this woman before further entanglements , like kids, bills and a mortgage. You are 22 , for God sakes, and she has cheated on you twice(that you know of) already. If you researched this, you would find she has done this way more than you presently know. She is not marriage material. You sound very grounded and mature. Find someone similar.

Sorry you are here, I just wanted to add there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for double betrayals. Some of those members and posts may be helpful to you in your situation.

My wife threw up in the bathroom and laid down next to me on the couch. Soon after, Friend A who was intent on getting bottle service and who appeared to be awfully sober, picked my wife up and carried her into out bedroom. There was never any type of attraction between the two in the history of our friendship as far as I could tell.

Honestly this sounds a lot like date rape to me. You say your wife has some acting out behaviors which are heightened when she drinks alcohol. To me, it sounds like she was in a very vulnerable position. Just as much as the alcohol made you not care and get off the couch, it sounds like the alcohol made her not care either.

You say she is remorseful and hasn't touched alcohol since-that is huge.

I agree that she would probably benefit from IC, But it sounds like a rape of opportunity to me. Your "friend" is a creep of the highest order.

Think for a minute. Your wife was falling down drunk, yet she has a very good idea about OM's length and girth and he was the best sex she's ever had???

This was a put up deal, my friend. Premeditated. That's why he was hot to go clubbing. It was planned to get you out of the picture. Has your wife every been around Mr.A before?

Girl's night out? I don't think so. Who knows what she's doing with guys out the back exit, in the crapper, and the parking lot.

You're 22 and no kids? Hasta la vista, baby.

Separation is not advised in circumstances where you wish to reconcile. However sometimes it is inevitable and the only way for both parties to find space and clarity of issues. Do you see remorse. Apart from the fact that she says she is sorry does she really get the pain you must be going through. Read from the healing library. You can us the 180 to pull back, take care of yourself and when you feel safe you can then go through the issues.

Very good pick up by pale,contrasting the claimed drunkeness and her ability to percieve lenght, girth and quality.

When she laid down on the couch, she was testing to see if you were sufficiently out of it.

SO, the date rape theory goes out the window.

Several points.

First of all: Chop your text up into paragraphs… Makes it so much easier to go through your situation and thereby offer help.

See – now my first point stands out. I made it a special paragraph.

Regarding the “best sex”, size and girth issue: See the thread “I’m in Hell” http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=404055

See what is written about why the WS claim the sex was soooooooo good.

Regarding her behavior: So she has a history of blacking out and a great sexual desire when drunk? It’s a known alcoholic pattern with women. My wife and I have an alcoholic lady friend that maybe only drank 3-5 times a year but more or less all the time she ended up making out (or having sex) with someone other than her husband. Ended with divorce but she started going to AA meetings where a GROUP of women with the same behavioral pattern met. So if this is true then not drinking isn’t the issue – it’s the reasons for why she wants to drink to the point of blackout and have sex that is the real issue.

I have to get this out: You really have to consider WHY you two are in a relationship. At fourteen you fell for someone. I can tell you that I was a different person at 18 than I was at 14. Different at 22 than 18… I feel this is extremely young and you two really have to dig deep into WHY you are in a relationship. Yes – that might lead to a decision to divorce but it can also reaffirm a commitment.

..(((hcm)))

.."There was never any type of attraction between the two of them in the history of the relationship"..

..wow..did this ever hit a nerve for me!!

..my fWW and long time bf actually pretended to dislike each other, critisized one another in front of his wife and me!!

..it was all part of the ploy to throw us off the scent of their near 20 year affair..

..i never suspected what was going on behind my back..

..how does a 'best friend' do that, never mind your own wife?

lesson here: NEVER TRUST ANOTHER SOUL IN YOUR LIFE..

SORRY you've been stabbed in the back and the front by the 2 people you thought cared about you!

..hope you start your life again..and leave these losers behind..they are scum.

smy

Sorry that you are here, brother. Nothing hurts quite like infidelity.

The wide range of emotions that you are experiencing are very normal for the newly betrayed.

Complete loss of self-esteem, zero trust, and TOTAL EMASCULATION---I don't know anyone here who didn't share these feelings---so at least know that you are not alone in these emotions.

You posted:

When I consider the investment of time into our relationship and the potential pain associated with divorce, I have decided to forgive her this ONCE and try and work through it.

You absolutely have not FORGIVEN her---nor should you...yet.

That chance for forgiveness has to be earned by her---and she has a long way to go to earn that chance from you. She has to dig deep and find out what her inner problems are...or you will be down this road again.

I know it is hard to hear from others here suggesting that this could be premeditated AND she may have done other things during your relationship that you are not aware of. But it would be negligent on your behalf to not think SERIOULY about this---and do some investigation and interrogation of your wayward wife. You stated that you thought that you would be the last person on Earth that this could happen too. But if you look back without biased glasses, you will see that the recipe for her straying was there all along.

I am not saying that she can't change, but stating that inappropriate behavior and poor boundaries existed prior to this event. And it is this mentality that has to be addressed in hopes of preventing this in the future.

As for yourself, listed to Betrayed and the others--don't have a revenge affair, don't do anything that compromises your integrity...it will haunt you later. You will NEVER be able to make her hurt like you do. The closest that she will ever experience to your pain is if she finds TRUE remorse...and can see the pain that you are in.

Post here as much as you can--it realy does help to talk to others who have been down(or are going down) this road.

I read completely through the 3 FAQS of the Healing Library. It was very insightful and helpful.

There is no question in my mind that she is remorseful rather than regretful. She has also shown me more love and respect than prior to the affair, which I would expect. I found the 180 to be interesting, and I have detached myself naturally from her since the A. I sent her the link to the healing library and she read through the whole thing of her own volition. She told me there was really great information on there and then apologized for an argument we had early.

I was angry with her because she didn't agree that having sex with him was completely her fault. I told her that the conditions leading up to it may have been 50% her fault, but that her choice to screw him was her own choice. After time in the healing library she took full responsibility. I am still thinking through things and I haven't made any promises to her, because I can't know the future with certainty.

She does have the tendency to compartmentalize things in her life. She has done that to some extent with the affair, but recently she seems to no longer be in denial. She has also been making less excuses for her actions.

One thing that is important to mention is that she hasn't made any contact at all with Friend A since the affair. I know this for sure. She also never made contact with him prior to the affair except when we were all hanging out together.

I have an insatiable anger for Friend A. I really want to kick his ass, but I don't want a felony for assault… im trying to get into Medical School. His 140lbs, Im 220, I could sit on his face and kill him.

I will continue post my progress on here. It helps just to write it out

Keep writing.

As you stated, it really helps to communicate with others who share the same experiences as you do.

I know how much better I felt when I started posting--that is why I recommend it to everyone who regretfully has to come and visit SI.