Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Before You Say Reconcile...

Topic is Sleeping.
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hurting35 ( member #32322) posted at 2:05 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2011

Thanks for posting this. My WH never did any of these things when he was trying to work on our marriage. Instead he blames me, laughs and tells me I'm crazy.

WH- 45
ME BS- 35
Together 16 years, married 12years
Dday 1- October 1995 sex with ex wife. WH wasn't sure about his feelings.
Dday 2- June 2008 with co-worker, 3 others from school/ craigslist
Dday 3-Nov 2010 Volunteering to have sex w/ client.

posts: 153   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2011
id 5292216
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mamabekay ( member #32295) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2011

My what is most of the way there...but he can't remember all the details. Rather, what he remembers doesn'tmatch up with the phone records. Our mc (whom neither of us really like; working on finding a new one) tells me that wh may really believe he's telling the truth, and that scares the hell out of me. How can I R with someone who believes his own lies?

Me-BS-28
Him-SAWS-30
four kids (mine & ours) 9,5,3,15months
Dday 13 May 11 and the TT keeps coming.

posts: 297   ·   registered: May. 28th, 2011   ·   location: the Rockies
id 5292460
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 Fighting2Survive (original poster member #28410) posted at 12:41 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2011

bump

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5305186
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55forwardfocus ( new member #32305) posted at 3:07 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2011

Excellent! I plan to share with my wife and require she become an expert in all phases of R. The phrase, "Lies of omission" struck a chord with me. Great wisdom.

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2011
id 5305404
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SabinatheOwl ( member #30023) posted at 4:26 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Bump for newbies

Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou

posts: 1350   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: Metro DC
id 5310377
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ThereWereNoSigns ( member #27922) posted at 8:34 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Unfortunately, after reading this post...I realize he is rugsweeping. i think he thinks doing dishes and calling me when he is coming home from work is "hard work." His transparency is only on things that he feels need to be transparent...don't tell me if he strikes up a friendship with a woman while on travel for work for 2 weeks...He "knew I would think he was fucking her."

Defensive...check

Angry...check

Makes jokes about it...check

Continues secret relationships...check

Not transparent...check

Rugsweeping...check, check

The more I type the more I see he is a bigger ass than I thought. He wants to work on our relationship...but I swear he wants to have his cake and eat it to.

[This message edited by ThereWereNoSigns at 2:35 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS(40 yrs )
Him: WS (42yrs)
DS: 10 years DD: 8 yrs, DS: 7 years
DDay #1: 3/6/10 -Physical affair
DDay #2 6/23/11- Physical affair
DDay #3 1/29/17 EA (that I know of)
DDay #4 1/5/18 EA (that I know of)
Apparently WS is "happy" in m

posts: 209   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2010
id 5310748
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LadyBlackbird ( new member #32607) posted at 8:42 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Thank you for that great explanation of the the 4 pillars! I keep thinking that maybe there's something wrong with me because sorry just isn't enough, but now I feel much better seeing that my WSO doesn't meet any of the R criteria. I've seen the pillars referenced many times here, but it was nice to have good descriptions.

Thanks!!

Together 5 years, not married. one child (3)
D-day: 6-8-11
Status, unsure

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2011
id 5310765
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september7 ( member #29929) posted at 1:05 AM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2011

bump!! Great post!!

D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

posts: 156   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2010   ·   location: Florida
id 5316541
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2ndbest ( member #32446) posted at 1:26 AM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2011

Thanks for bumping this thread. I'm so sad to realize how far H and I are from honest reconciliation. Thought we were making progress but he met OW for lunch yesterday.He's been rugsweeping everything. I was so desperate to believe him, I let myself fall for a load of crap.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2011
id 5316569
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isadora ( member #29130) posted at 6:06 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2011

bumping

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and 2DSs
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

posts: 4736   ·   registered: Jul. 24th, 2010   ·   location: Back home again in Indiana
id 5317403
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LadyBlackbird ( new member #32607) posted at 8:54 PM on Thursday, July 7th, 2011

bump

Together 5 years, not married. one child (3)
D-day: 6-8-11
Status, unsure

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2011
id 5325727
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 Fighting2Survive (original poster member #28410) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2011

bump

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5332240
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SabinatheOwl ( member #30023) posted at 3:32 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

bump

Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou

posts: 1350   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: Metro DC
id 5335386
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betrayedandnumb ( member #24903) posted at 11:32 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

Just seeing this.. and worthy of a bump!!

BW- me
FWH-him
3/28/09 The day he started skiing down the slippery slope
4/26/09 The day it turned PA
Dday #1 7/13/09, #2 7/16/09, #3 10/23/09, Major setback- 8/13/10
In R

posts: 852   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2009
id 5336359
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Baffled ( member #21089) posted at 4:23 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2011

thankyou for posting this. So much advice was given to me at the beginning, and at first I blinded myself to it. Now nearly 3 years on, I so clearly see the difference.My WH is firmly in the righthand pillar.

mamabekay: How can I R with someone who believes his own lies?

That is exactly what I went through.

"The despair I can cope with, it's the hope I can't stand"

posts: 182   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: uk
id 5337452
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 Fighting2Survive (original poster member #28410) posted at 4:28 AM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2011

bump

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5344652
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 Fighting2Survive (original poster member #28410) posted at 2:23 AM on Sunday, July 24th, 2011

bump

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5353207
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bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 11:18 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2011

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5359214
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brokenfairy ( member #32818) posted at 11:35 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2011

This is really interesting, and sadly for me in black and white proves that my partner has chosen to 100% rugsweep.

Mind you, I don't think he really knows what he wants tbh...he says he doesn't want OW, but also isnt prepared to wait up to 5 years for me to completely recover either. I think something inside him has said that at 53 years old, he is just maybe not cut out for relationships.

He doesn't want to fight for me, or his kids... he seems to be happy just to let it all slip through his fingers. My last cry out to him, explaining that i was throwing him a lifeline, ended up with him telling me to "fuck off"...

Wont be wasting any more time, but i have to admit that his extreme lack of remorse and unwillingness to fight for his family has actually been as painful as the A itself, if that makes any sense.

We are only 5 weeks since DDay, but already there is nothing to work with, to hope for, so I have just switched off and we co-habit silently...its a living hell.

I just want to be happy

ME: BGF, 42 (was 37 on DDay)
HIM: XWBF, 58 ~ not worthy
CHILDREN: D18, S15
D-DAY: 21.06.11
A DURATION: 18+M

posts: 419   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2011   ·   location: UK
id 5359243
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purplefinch ( member #32471) posted at 2:00 AM on Thursday, July 28th, 2011

Wont be wasting any more time, but i have to admit that his extreme lack of remorse and unwillingness to fight for his family has actually been as painful as the A itself, if that makes any sense.

I am in a similar situation. From the beginning, except for a brief few days of fake behavior, my Stbxwh has shown nothing but running for divorce as fast as he can. At first it broke my heart but now I see he doesn't have what it takes to even try to reconcile. It is hard but it is my reality now. I agree that It is, in

some ways, more painful than the a itself. He's tossing it away like our marriage was trash.

Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 28
Me BW: 56
XWH: 58, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

posts: 676   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2011   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 5359381
Topic is Sleeping.
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