SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sure this is a t/j of a thread I read a couple weeks ago. Let's start with a couple basic assumptions here: 1.The WSes on here are remoresful andcommitted to doing the right thing going forward.2. Let's define "getting away with it" as not having to face ANY consequences for our actions.

That said: I nearly lost my 2 best friends and was threatened with bodily harm. A relative of one of my wife's co-workers made up a COMPLETE lie about there being anothew OW. The summer of '09 I was AT home but it sure in the hell didn't FEEL like home in the least. Heck,summer '10 my wife was talking about ending it over a WRONG NUMBER!!

Now I know that these consequences were a direct result of my actions. I do not want to minimize the pain my BS went through or any others went through.

But please understand we didn't "get away with it" and we totally realize the a was NOT worth it.

As a BS, it would not sit well with me if my WH said he didn't get away with it.

Unfortunately, there are some phrases that come out of the WS handbook that we just never want to hear, regardless if the WS believes it is their truth.

I asked my H this after that other post. I guess because I don't see him actively being upset or crying or whatever that I feel like he isnt suffering. He is remorseful and doing everything he can to try to fix this...minus a few bumps...nothing to do with OW...but I know he is hurting too...I just feellike he forgets sometimes that it is all i think about every single day...

When I asked him if he felt he got away with it because we are living pretty normally right now...he said no...and even though I may not be actively "punishing" him, he still has to live with the guilt, embarassment he caused himself and the hurt he caused me....

Even this morning we were having an arguement over the phone and I said something like we are supposed to be your family...and he interupted and said "but I destroyed that I know" I honestly dont want him to feel that way but I know that is what he feels and that has got to be an awful feeling to carry around...

No disrespect intended to any bs on here. I don't have a handbook. Things for me could have been a LOT WORSE, I know. I own consequences fo rmy actions, I am just saying we didn't get off scott free

Her MM would have gotten away with it if I had not got hold of his wife. He got off Scott Free for almost 2 years besides the 25 years of the A.

That has got to be some kind of record.....?

JKL Vikings

I am just saying we didn't get off scott free

Most BS's don't care. And they shouldn't. You, as a WS, put yourself in the position of carrying the heavy load of repairing yourself and your marriage.

The one time I said "I'm hurt too" to my H...he said "I don't care, you did this to us" that's the reality of what betrayal can do to someone.

You're trying to be on an equal playing field when it comes to pain. You can't. It's not even part of the equation right now.

But please understand we didn't "get away with it" and we totally realize the a was NOT worth it.

I think the WS's that come here and post (and others too)... don't think they got away with anything and realize just how fucking stupid their actions were.

I have great admiration for WS's that work on themselves with IC, and great disdain for the blameshifting, continually compartmentalizing WS's. Please realize that every WS is different and that some BS's have had very long hard battles to keep their marriages intact and that those statements have nothing to do with YOU!

I don't know what post you are referring to, or if you were reading a BS post but remember that emotions run HIGH after a betrayal, and sometimes when we look back at the WS behavior during the affair and see all the red flags and now clearly see the obvious lies, the "he/she got away with it" thoughts are really strong in our minds.

Until you are further along in your healing the JFO and General posts may be too much for you to not take personally. Just speaking form myself, there have been times the Wayward Side and General have been too much for me.

JKL,

I'm glad you're saying this here, with the fervent hope that you never ever say or even hint at anything close to to what you wrote in your initial post to your BS. As a BS, your whole first post has me triggering like crazy, and I don't even know you. (Not your fault, I chose to read here.) If this was a vent to let go of a little steam, good choice to do that here.

JKL-I think I understand what you wanted to get across, it just doesn't read that way.

"but I destroyed that I know" I honestly dont want him to feel that way but I know that is what he feels and that has got to be an awful feeling to carry around...

It is a terrible burden. Just last week, lilbeauty was caught in a lie. I know it wasn't said directly, I'm not sure if it was insinuated, but I definitely got a "she obviously learned that from you" vibe. And I accepted it.

JKLVikings,

I don't know that you would see the majority of BS's here saying that thier WS "got away with it" all that often. But when you do see it I think that none of them would mean it in the way that you defined it: As not having to face ANY consequences....

I think most BS's can see all to well the consequences and difficulties suffered by truely remorseful WS's. We are sometimes even able to empathize with the suffering as well. That having been said though I think that most often that phrase would be defined more as: Having gotten away without having to suffer the ultimate LOGICAL consequence of such a betrayal. That being the consequence of losing the love and support of the betrayed spouse forever. BS's that reconcile are aften going against their own instincts, friends and families advice, popular cultural opinion, their own moral codes and essential sense of fairness and right and wrong. So many factors SCREAM inside the BS's head to run away from this person as fast as possible. So when they go against all sense of logic and fairness to try and forgive, they might feel in some way that the WS "got away with" not paying the ultimate logical FAIR price for thier behavior.

Again, BS's can usually see those consequences that the WS IS paying but most of those consequences are SHARED by the BS as well. And for every consequence not shared the BS probably has one or two of thie own that the WS never has to share. So I think that the consequences are pretty evenly divided up.

What isn't evenly shared is the responsibilites. The BS had zero say in the affair that brought all those consequences about. Never had the chance to say: "this affair is too risky. I don't want to take risk of the fallout.". The WS DID, and so it can be difficult for a BS sometimes to hear the WS discussing all of the consequences they might be suffering. I am sure you can understand how that might be difficult to listen to sometimes.

Most WS's say that they accept that the consequences they suffer are the result of thier actions but then, in the same breath, go on to complain about those very consequences. A BS, who is suffering as many if not more consequences for their WS's actions not their own, might be forgiven for sometimes being less than sympathetic to the WS's plight.

So, that being said, while most BS can see the suffering and even empathize with it, they often probably don't want to hear it. And so they might say something hurtful like: "you got away with it". They probably don't mean it in the way you are hearing it. Take it with a grain of salt.

Hang in there,

HT

Some see the FWS "get away with it" because some FWS suffer very few consequences other than the internal conflict. I did not see the point in telling anyone what happened. OM was divorced and had no BS. There was little to no impact on anyone but me, my children and how my wife processed her pain and my own. She keeps her family and her friends. She finishes her degree, loses no face. Even the lies that were told about me receive little attention other than a quick retraction.

I chose this. Part of me wants the exoneration and acknowledgement, but I do not see what it would gain in the end. So yes, I am still protecting my wife in a way. She got away with it, in a way. Her sacrifices and hard work come from choice, not necessity; in a way that's better. It's how things should be.

Some of us feel the pain of offering that choice in the wake of being denied the same. You can tell people you didn't get away with it, and that's fine. In the end you paid a price but you were offered the choice to reconcile. You made the right choice. That choice was, as I said, granted as an option rather than provided as a necessity.

Sorry if that was a little to rambling or incoherent. Didn't mean it to sound critical. Hard to put those feelings into words.

double post, sorry.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:59 PM, May 9th (Monday)]

But please understand we didn't "get away with it" and we totally realize the a was NOT worth it.

It happened. There is no way to un-ring the bell, or make restitution. You got away with it.

In retrospect not worth the price? That I believe.

eta: I agree with what stillgoing said.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:58 PM, May 9th (Monday)]

I have no problem with what i think is healthy discourse, even if someone disagrees with me. I probably should work on not taking things so personally.

darkbeast, I think you get what I was trying to get across.

DS, I'm not trying to be on an equal playing field when it comes to pain. I know I have a paper cut in comparison to my wife's gunshot wound

Nell,I did not say that to my wife, and I am constantly working to be a better husband all around, and yeah a bit of a vent as well

My dday was Feb 09, maybe I should put that in my sig line

I have no problem with what i think is healthy discourse, even if someone disagrees with me. I probably should work on not taking things so personally.

darkbeast, I think you get what I was trying to get across.

DS, I'm not trying to be on an equal playing field when it comes to pain. I know I have a paper cut in comparison to my wife's gunshot wound

Nell,I did not say that to my wife, and I am constantly working to be a better husband all around, and yeah a bit of a vent as well

My dday was Feb 09, maybe I should put that in my sig line

I do not want to minimize the pain my BS went through or any others went through.

But please understand we didn't "get away with it" and we totally realize the a was NOT worth it.

I've heard that any sentence with a but in it negates the first half of the sentence.

If the BS did not know that their spouse was cheating on them, then during the affair, the WS got away with it.

During the "high" of the affair, the WS does get a benefit at the time. It's a total fantasy, but they do get the time and attention of a person acting as a mirror for them. Giving them validation that they are seeking. Making them feel good. Getting to have sex. Getting to be a different person. Having someone only tell them the positives about themselves and how wonderful they are.

To a BS, it was gotten away with.

<edited to take out possible 2x4's>

[This message edited by KickedintheGut at 2:52 PM, May 9th (Monday)]

Yeah, my FWH did get away with it.

When I hear that phrase "get away with it" I think of him getting to have sex with a new partner, all the excitement, fun, lust and passion that goes along with that. He is paying consequences now, but he got away with it. He got to have sex with someone new, and I don't. Period.

He got away with it. It is done, over, can't be undone. He got a trip to Fantasyland, and I got to stay home and take care of his kids and wash his underwear.

BS, please remember what forum you are posting in.

You are not to swing 2x4 or do any venting in here.

This is a safe forum for the WS to post their thoughts in.

If I had shop-lifted and didn't get caught, I got away with stealing. If I had gotten caught, sent to jail, gone to court, paid a fine, labeled a thief, I would consider I didn't get away with stealing.

I cheated on my spouse, I stole time, effort, intimacy. If my spouse never knew, does that mean I got away with it? I think so. If I had been caught by my spouse, or my spouse later found out, my spouse holds me accountable for my actions, by either separating or divorcing from me, setting terms of reconciliation, would I consider myself getting away with cheating? No.

So I get where you are coming from with this statement. I understand, too, it's hard to accept, however, I don't believe it makes it any less true.

Lets see... And really I dont mean this as a 2x4 at all...I think in my case my H did get away with it coz despite whatever shame and remorse and empathy he is feeling and showing and despite all the effort he is putting into R and our family, he did have three As, he lied to me and himself for six years, he had three women telling him how much they love him and he was just loving every gooey drop of that...

Sure after DDay he has paid a price emotionally but he is still here, still my H and his prize is a better marriage provided that our R holds and there is all the likelihood that it will. Heck....He didn't just get away with it, he made out like a bandit!!!! Laughing all the way to the bank!

But there is something else to consider here, and I am prepared to take a 2x4 myself for what I am about to say... I surely got the short end of the stick, raw deal, whatever... And I will be paying the emotional price for HIS bad choices and boundaries for a long while, but if he didn't get away with it and we would be D then I think my stick would be even shorter! Bottom line is, it hurts like hell but it isn't a deal breaker for me, it's a cold showe, wake up call... I am glad we are still married and in R and I love him...