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My BH has asked for a divorce. He says it will grant him peace. For him to say this is huge, as he fears becoming his own (miserable) divorced parents.

All I can do is cry, and I feel like waiting for him to change his mind is hopeless.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like he's taking the "easy way" out, but I'm not sure if that's emotion talking.

IF divorce is next, I don't know what to do next, what to expect. If this is a ploy, intentional or not, it sucks. I feel like I've grown and grown, and still want to grow with him. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm getting better and better at being a good person who makes good choices, who loves him and wants to tell him everything. When I told him this last night, he cried and said "why couldn't you have done that a year ago?" (pre-A).

In some ways, the worst part is that after he told me, he held me tight and wouldn't let me leave until I calmed down and could see through the tears. I asked why he was doing that, and he said because he still cared about me.

I don't know what to do.

(((daylily)))

(((daylily))) I am sorry, I don't really know what to say, but I hear your hurt.

Are you sure there is no way he will change his mind?

I know that this is hard and I am sorry that you are going through this.

The best thing to do is show that you are still available to him.

It is ok to show how this is affecting you. He needs to see that.

Keep doing things to better yourself and show that you can be what he needs.

He is on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and as men..we have difficulty dealing with emotions. he wants to run and he wants to stay at the same time.

make it worth his while to stay. he hasn't left yet..so you still have a chance.

Be encouraged and stay strong. As hard as it may seem, he wants you to be strong enough to show you can change and tender enough to have empathy for the hurt you caused him.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 10:59 AM, June 28th (Tuesday)]

As a BH my WW told me she wants a divorce but is still here. I don't know the reason. She will owe me quite a bit of alimony as a SAHD more or less. Could be is decitful enough that if she divorces me now she has to pay out more. She isn't trying to reconcile that's for sure and I still don't get her. The economy has put more into this position I am in than I wanted to, but you do what you have to do. She has always told me that and I trusted her unconditionally. Now my world, as is your husband's, is upside down. I don't know your situation and why you felt the need to do what you did. Possibly communication issues? What I told my WW and I think it hit home to her was that she could have easily closed our bedroom door to have spoken to me as easily as she closed that hotel room door. You could say something like that to him in an apolgetic way. It might hit home that you really understand your errors and lack of judgement.

You cannot imagine what we are going through. Frankly you never will. If you want to make a huge impact, get the book First Aid For The Betrayed and read all of it. Leave it on your nightstand so he knows you're trying your best to understand the nuclear bomb that went off in his head. The first 50 pages will blow you away. It is what I've gone through myself.

Know that you are no longer forever his old wife. You will never be unconditionally trusted ever again. The one lesson I've learned is the mistake I made to unconditionally trust her. Then she does this to me. Think about who else this effected. It is not about you right now. Like a rock thrown into a still lake. The ripples fan out to touch everything...your kids, your family, your friends. I can tell you that you can never say you are sorry enough right now. I wish my wife had your remorse right now, but she doesn't. I want to work through it but she doesn't right now and it's been 6 months and things are worse. We stopped communicating. Well she did from the beginning and clammed up. Turns out her communication skills in terms of relationships go are horrible. Don't stop communicating.

As far as me, a divorce forced by her might just as well be the only way I can get peace. Things like suicide enter our heads from time to time. You have to show unconditional support for everything. Even wait in the car or waiting room for him while he's in counseling. That would be huge for me.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:05 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]

(((daylily80)))

I wish I could tell you that he doesn't really want a divorce, but I can't. Many of us BS's go through periods where we just want the pain to end and we convince ourselves that a D will bring that. Then we get a brief respite and feel like we can keep plugging away at R. For others, the A really is a dealbreaker and a D is the only option.

I wouldn't look at this as a ploy or manipulation. More likely, his request is just coming from his pain. There have been so many times that I didn't know what I wanted or needed from one moment to the next. Everything feels so unanchored, emotions especially.

The best advice I can give you is to be available to him, offer him comfort and support, and keep sharing with him. The more emotionally present you are, the more he will feel like it is worth hanging in there.

R is not an easy journey. We call it the rollercoaster here for a good reason. The ups and downs are drastic and sudden.

(((Daily)))

Sounds like your BH loves you tons..He just doesn't know how to deal with the pain. You are both still early out. I agree with SeanFLA buy that book and read it. Ask him what else he needs? Does he need time away? IF so tell him you will give that to him. You are willing to try the legal separation thing if he thinks that will give him peace. Tell him you want to fight for your marriage. Ask him how how can you do this?? What does he need from you or does he know. Sweetie a BH hurts hurts bad as SeanFLA stated suicidal thoughts run amuck thru our heads for some. Some it is homicidal I am sure but I believe that is us processing the pain. Once we realize it is not about us we are a lot better off. For some it takes years if we don't have therapy. Is your spouse in therapy??? If not make him an appointment drive him there and wait for him. Ask him what else you can do for him...

Good luck honey...We are here for you.

FRM is right. Keep on keeping on...

Stay strong, that's what we BSs need to see.

Do more,do better, anything he has asked of you that you may have put off, do it now.

Try not to become distant because he is.

Its very tricky for a BS to listen to our heart when everything/everyone is screaming the opposite.

DayLily

In another thought as I've been told many times over, there might not be anything you can do. My wife keeps telling me her mind is made up. She was unfaithful to me and I've heard everything from her from "I love you but not In love with you" all the way now to "I haven't loved you in many years". I honestly don't believe any of it. Why would she tell me she loved me all this time BEFORE I found out....have passionate sex with me, etc? As a BS we are in so much stress and confusion you cannot fathom it. I had suicidal thoughts this morning alone. Counseling doesn't help. Only support from my WW right now would help. And I cannot get that, so here I am stuck in a prison in my head.

The other thing that is so difficult to process is the mental movies of you and your OM in our heads. It pops in there and the smallest things start the reel going. Images of you and your paramour are so emotional it's unbelieveable. Even if the sex to you was just OK with your paramour and you can't seem to understand what the big deal is to him, believe me it is a huge deal to his self-esteem. Another man has moved in and claimed a stake on what was once only ours. You took him over your husband. That is something that will take YEARS to get over for him. You need to accept that if you really want this, you're going to have to be preparred for the long haul of his rollercoaster ride. I'm 6 months into this and I'm starting to run that movie less and less, but it's still there. Have you two had sex since then? Just curious. My guess would be probably no if he's thinking about divorce.

Personally I don't want to get divorced, but if she does what am I to do? I got sucker punched twice by the A and then being told she wants a D cause she probably thinks it's the easy way out. I refuse to file first at this point. Although nobody would ever blame me for doing it. I'm thinking of our son and all the years we spent together. Getting a D is not the answer. I was told to wait one full year if possible before deciding what to do. He may actually do that. That is if she will hold out that long. Only make clear decisions once the emotions process themselves away. But somedays I literally have to drag myself out of bed and put two feet on the floor. This is truly harder than my father passing away a few years ago. The book talks about that. To give you my scenerio, when my father passed away I lost 6 pounds in two weeks. Through this I've lost 35 pounds in the first three months. People keep asking me if I'm sick or something. That's how hard it is to process this grief as opposed to one of our relatives passing away. We actually expect death in our lives. But we don't expect this. The grief is intolerable. Once you read that book you will understand his pain and misery.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:40 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]

It ain't over til it's over....

As a BH I walked out that door several times with full intent of never looking back, but every single time I turned back around. I love my wife, but I hated what she did to me and our kids.

Stay strong! Show him daily! Be "Over the top!".

Thank you all.for your support. My heart truly goes out to those of you who have suicidal thoughts. I don't know you, but do know that you do matter. Taking your own life is only a temporary solution.

Our MC was able to see me this morning and is helping identify emotions and encouraging me to work through them. So that's a step towards sating strong.

I am not sure if BH needs space or not, but I feel like I need to follow his lead. So if he wants space, what are some ideas to still be as present as possible for him, besides to continue working on myself?

Thank you again for your support and perspective. BTW, I have read _After the Affair_ several times, which does a great job of looking at the feelings and perspective of both the BS and WS.

I am not sure if BH needs space or not, but I feel like I need to follow his lead.

Speaking as a BS 2 years, 2 months post dday with a very remorseful WH since day 1...

Do NOT follow his lead! Stand in front of the door until he physically moves you out of the way. Period!

Gently,

I feel like he's taking the "easy way" out, but I'm not sure if that's emotion talking.

I do think this is (your) emotions talking. If he fears divorce because of his own parents, divorce isn't an easy way out for him.

I just wanted to say that After the Affair was a huge trigger for me, and the perspective of the writer really angered me - and I know I'm not the only BS that feels like that. I hated that book so much that I actually ripped it into pieces. It did a really bad job of expressing the feelings of the BS and every time the writer used the word "lover" to describe the OP I ground my teeth. There are so many better books out there - one of them being Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, and I have heard good things here about How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. As a BS, I recommend throwing out After the Affair.

FRM is right. Keep on keeping on...

Stay strong, that's what we BSs need to see.

Do more,do better, anything he has asked of you that you may have put off, do it now.

Try not to become distant because he is.

Its very tricky for a BS to listen to our heart when everything/everyone is screaming the opposite.

Yes, this!

I don't want to give you false hope, but I will say that I am still married to my fWH because he just wouldn't let me go. At times it would infuriate me, but he would not make my leaving easy. He upped his game every time. He reminded me of the practical realities of being apart. Would being apart really make me feel better? Or would I be trading one set of problems and pain for another?

At times I HATED when he'd do that, and I hope it doesn't come off an manipulative. What I am struggling to say, is he wouldn't let me run off to a fantasy land of my own, where a divorce would magically cure my pain. And it kept me trying.

Keep making him feel loved. Find out what he needs and keep doing it. Good luck.

If I may add, not just loved, but desired as well. If he thinks you are *willing* to let him walk out without a fight, then what is HE fighting for?

You are charged with convincing him that HE is your first choice, not just by default,but by desire.

For me,this is achieved by feeling and seeing the passion between us. When the passion fades, so does my hope for lasting change.

Hugs DayLily..

I agree with some of the others, don't give up without a fight!!

Do NOT follow his lead!

^THIS^

There have been times when I've told FWH to leave when what I really wanted was for him to hold me. Other times, I really wanted him to go, but two seconds later I wanted him to stay.

Don't go. Stay and keep being loving and remorseful.

Also, as far as "After the Affair" goes, I felt the same as lost_in_toronto. It's worthless as a guide for the BS. I hurled my copy in the trash and had a fit in the MC's office over it.

Oof. Around 6-8 months was TERRIBLE for me. If there were archives here, you could see. But the other posters are right: keep fighting. Put in 10 times the effort into helping him heal than you put into betraying him in the first place. Read... a lot. Reading the same book repeatedly gives you no new insight. There are gems in all sorts of post-A books, but all gems aren't in all books (and as a BH, I wasn't a big fan of After the Affair, either). Help Your Spouse Heal... may have saved my marriage, we shall see. Not Just Friends was great too. Get him to read here if you can, and keep posting! Leave no stone unturned.

That said: sometimes sex with another man while married is ultimately a dealbreaker for lots of guys. It just is. I struggle with this daily. But it sounds like in your case there's hope. Fight for him if you really want to keep him. Fight hard. The effort is what I was looking for. And when I get a resigned, "what's the use?" vibe from her, I tend to agree with her. Don't give that vibe.

Good luck!

One more thing: divorce isn't a "ploy" from him, please NEVER suggest to him that you think it is. He's scared, confused, and unbelievably hurt. Less than a year ago you turned his world upside down, and he's looking for any peace anywhere. I promise you he's had little to none since last fall. I bet he'd rather it be with you, though, it just takes time.

As for it "sucking"... I agree completely, it does. Believe me, he agrees too. But it wasn't our call.

Fight.

Don't EVER quit. Effort counts.