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I am really struggling. I mean REALLY for several months - I'm over 17 months from D-Day and I can't get that witch out of my mind.

FWH has been great and I think R is going really well - almost too great....I feel like I've seen a shift in him lately. But part of me, as always, doesn't trust it.

He's more attentive, thoughtful, kind. He had previously been impatient and didn't like it when I talked of the affair or my constant struggles with it. I have since stopped talking about it, as I know that much of it are my internal thoughts, triggers and feelings...Insecurity, comparing myself to her, constant fear that its still ongoing, etc....

Now, we have a more open communication - but I'm scared to bring up my obsessive thoughts of the A and MOW - for fear that he will withdraw into a place of shame and guilt and self-hatred.

I find myself "googling" her, thinking about her all the time (she was my BFF for many years).

If I'm preoccupied I'm fine, but these obsessive thoughts are bringing me to my breaking point.

Do any of you have this and if so, how do you deal??

You are not alone. I obsess about OW and am constantly digging. In my case, I have never even met her. I think that the only way to get rid of the obsession is to just stop cold turkey. For me, every time I think about OW, it just fills me with rage and ruins my day. But, I have not yet been able to take my own advice and go cold turkey.

Wow, timely post for me. The OW is someone I don't know and lives in another country. I have some photos but am not sure which woman is she. Not sure I believe H when he points to one in particular.....

I find myself obsessing about OW and today is one of those days. Had a dream the other night that was so real. I ran into her and we were arguing and when I awoke I told H. The dream was so clear....I am still missing pieces and I think the obsession will be with me until I get my questions answered. So I read the stuff I have, search the photos for something I might've missed, search the internet. Sometimes I think i should just write her, ask my questions and get it over with, however wise ones here at SI insist that is not a good idea and I do believe that.

I will say the days I feel this way happen much less often, but when they do they seem to take over. I look at myself and can't believe I am wasting my time doing this again...... what am I trying to accomplish.

I don't know if this helps but you aren't the only one doing it....maybe there's somebody who can give us the magic trick to make the OW recede in our minds.

Sorry you are living through this too.....

this has been me too on too many occasions... I could even go cold turkey for months at a time (I am slightly over 3 years out from Dday) and then would suddenly find myself obsessively googling her again...

What it has taken to really lessen that has been for my H to be more open with me. Initially, he would answer questions about the A and the time we were separated, but it was always like pulling teeth and the backlash in terms of him becoming despondent and all just didn't seem worth it... so I wouldn't ask... but part of me still needed those answers that only he could really give me... and because of that (I think) I had the obsessive compulsive thoughts and actions.

Recently, I finally broke down and told my H I needed him to tell me everything he knew about her. (Ironically enough, I may just know more about her than he does because of my obsessing...) The fact that he did it and not just did it, but did it freely and willingly without attitude or anything... well, that was priceless.

I also think that part of it is creating a new routine. When I got in my obsessive mode, it was a routine that happened pretty much the same way/same time or under the same circumstances... if I could break just one bit of that chain for a minute, it helped... like if I could say, okay, I'll search in 20 minutes after I do x and x... sometimes it gave me a breather from my thoughts so that in 20 minutes I didn't actually feel the compulsion... I also saw someone suggest setting a 20 minute time frame each day that was your "obsessing time" and I tried that. It also helped... but you have to be very definitive with yourself... no breaking from the time frame or extending the time limit.

Hope that helps some.

solost36

I have posted on this same thing today and I got some great insights. You are also around the same time out as me and I have been told it's not unusual around this time to start slipping back and obsessing about the OW and the A once more.

For this reason I am starting IC in 3 weeks. I soo hope that you can be helped to resolve this too.

It SUCKS like hell.

I obsess constantly. I'm 8 months out but tomorrow is the anniversary of the start of their affair. I knew her-but not well. I know so much about her. My husband wants me to get her out of my mind-he says he has. It feels like our reconciliation is at a stuck point. My IC encourages me to force myself to think of other things and to try and get myself to believe the OW could've been anyone...that she wasn't special. She wants me to accept that my husband is the one who broke the promise--not her. It's just so hard. I can't stop comparing. I want her to suffer the consequences of her choices and I'm hoping that I'll find something that points to just that. Our MC says time will help with the obsessions. In the meantime it feels like they're running my life.

I was waayyy preoccupied with OW for waayyy long but thankfully that’s passed although I at times still think about her (waiting for that to pass!).

At 27 months post dday, I can attribute my preoccupation to two main things.

The first main driving force behind my oc stemmed from my inability to trust my WH. My WH went NC immediately after dday and did everything to try to prove his love but it didn’t exactly help me trust him. Whenever I had thoughts (which was all the time)about how could he do this, what was he thinking, how could he not see her for who she was, how could he like her...it was an instant trigger for my oc with the OW. As the months rolled by (about 21-22 months!) I had more understanding of him, the whys, the OW and A’s in general, and my confidence was well on its way to being restored and my trust in WH had improved a lot, the less OC I became with OW. That’s when I finally became aware that my OC was very much connected to my insecurities about him, myself and our M and the more secure I became the less OC I became.

The 2nd main reason is kind of freaky but something I experienced and also identified much later but sooner than the other reason.

AP’s can experience a chemical reaction that makes them feel in love or on the way to love. The chemical release is made of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine (adrenaline). It’s the stuff that causes infatuation.

The thing is that a dday can trigger the same chemical release in a BS which is crazy making or at least it was for me. How rude that I should have all that chemical release happening without the benefit of being part of a happy couple like my WH and OW!

The dopamine and serotonin if I’m getting them correct are responsible for obsessive thoughts. It causes a person to not be able to stop thinking about the one they’re falling in love with. But for a BS, it causes obsessive thoughts about the A and or the OW. Fortunately, chemical release has a shelf life that fades away as the chemical release begins to drop.

My thought is that your oc is being driven by your fears about your WS and communicating with him. You don't feel safe and that can keep an OW very relevant in the mind of a BS.

[This message edited by Rise And Shine at 3:29 PM, August 4th (Thursday)]

I did too. But when I got all the details after weeks of searching. The sordidness. The baseness of their affair. She introduced him to sexual acts self-respecting people would not do. Making out in cars. In parking lots. Having phone sex while her babies were in next room. I labelled her as as VILE and said I am not jealous of that. And when I think of her...it doesn't make me angry because he will never take her out in our circle of friends. They hung out in the dingiest bar. They had sex in a car in dark parking lots...She gave him what he wanted and fantasized about--she allowed him access to EVERYWHERE!!!So,it's about why he felt he could do that and sacrifice our M. The OW is categorized in my brain as porn.

She is with me wherever I go.

If she's not in my dreams, she is the first thought I have when I wake up. But she is not as loud as she first was.

When I go about my day, she is always with me. But she doesnt immobilize me like she first did.

I hate to leave the house, for fear that I'll run into her, (she lives around the corner from me), but I have begun to be brave again.

I dont scan the road for her car, but I still cringe when I see a white SUV, I look for them less though..

When we have sex, I have to fight to push her and him out of my head, but not as much as I used to. It doesnt always work, but its better than it used to be.

I know that she doesnt think of or worry about me. I heard how little she cared on the phone when she found out I knew. She said, "So what, she can come talk to me if she wants, Im at the bar right now.." As if I could manage a conversation. The only thing I would be able to do is tear off her limbs and beat her with them. Of course I wont....I have kids.

Unfortunatley, she is still always with me, but not always in the front of my mind anymore....I hope someday, that shes not there at all...

solost36,

This statement by you is very concerning to me:

The fact that you are scared to bring up discussions of your feelings to your husband about:

...the constant fear that its still ongoing, etc....

In my opinion - you shouldn't fear that your husband will withdraw into "a place of shame and guilt and self-hatred" if you need/want to discuss this topic. It's your RIGHT to discuss ANYTHING that will help you heal.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

Yes – it was TERRIBLE at first – I mean over the top obsession. She friended me on FB, I stayed up for hours looking at her pics and posts. Then she blocked me, then unblocked me! I created a fake account to spy on her. She LOVED the idea that I was spying on her. She would post pics of WH and her together, things that they had done. I would get mad at WH and he would run back to tell her to stop. It was putting a wedge between my WH and I. That really fed her ego. My obsession with OW consumed me. I would ask my WH questions about her all the time which was VERY frustrating for both of us in the beginning. He didn’t want to talk about it and I wanted to know more and more. He would lie, trickle truth and gaslight like crazy.

That all changed the minute the “lightbulb” switched on for WH. He began to see OW for what she really was. We were able to talk about her without him getting frustrated. Questions would be answered. I was learning about her from him rather than spying and coming up with my own conclusions and more unanswered questions. Today I blocked her from my “fake” person on FB. I do not feel the need to obsess as much anymore. We spent less time talking about her today.

I find that I obsess more when I feel trapped, lied to, or just have that gut feeling that something is not right. Being busy and occupied helps as well.

You are not alone, for a while I was like that as well. Thinking she was more than she really was, was my problem. After plenty heart to hearts with my H I realized that she wasn't special at all. That helped me. Hugs.

I have written about this a lot. Recently, I've set limits on the amount of time I google her. I give it up one full day a week. I gave it up for lent but I went right back to it after lent. I also started thinking of her as a cancer. She invades my mind and takes it over. She is not worth that. All I do is make myself miserable and life is too short for that. So, take it day by day. Set small goals. When you start to think about her, come up with something to change your thoughts immediately. Reward yourself when you've been successful. Keep telling yourself that she is not worth it!

I went through this. I only know her first name and what city she lives in. She is very likely a teacher. I know she knows lots of things about me except what I am really like. She has a fragile ego so obviously he didn't tell her that I am kind, strong, well-repected and better in bed than she is.

The thing is, she isn't important. I think she would love to know that I was obsessed with her. I refuse to give her any power over me. She is a piece of shitty ass and that's all she was. He didn't care about her, he used her to feed his ego. I doubt he was that important to her either. He was the crutch she used to leave her husband. He put huge limits on how much time they spent together. Thas not a real relationship.

Ladies and gents, the OP doesn't matter. They have no loyalty to you, they don't give a shit about u. Why waste your time? I did all the crazy things too, made some fake accounts...I thraetened to wipe her off the face of the planet. But now I step back most days and let her be a shitty person. I don't want any of her energy touching or interfering with mine.

The first two years, I was very obsessed with the OW. I would stalk her on fb, and at night I would look out my window (she lives across the street) to see what she was doing, etc. It does calm down. I haven't posted on SI in quite a while until a couple of days ago. The OW and her H have a sale pending on their house. Hooray. It has been a long, patient road. I think that since they have sold their house, I'm finding that I am obsessing again. This is something that I haven't done for a long time. I attribute it to their move. I hope.

I have fits of rage and desires to go ruin the OM's life every day and have done many of the things you do. I also told his spouse, his work (he hid it from his wife using a work cell phone) his children, and his mom (I regret these last two, wasn't my place to tell his children and I regret telling his mom, it was an accident I thought it was his wife, she was a bs. I almost called 9-1-1 on another line because I thought she was having a heart attack.)

I resist because it would ruin people's lives I actually care about.

I hope you are discussing this with an IC. I do every day. I am 18 mos. out. its tough.

OMG!! I am the same way. I am totally obsessed with MOW. I want to find out everything I can. Some days it is not that strong and other days I feel a little over the edge. I have never been like this before. It is amazing what the internet has on it. I have found out so many different things about her. I probably know things FWS doesn't know. I think it gives me some kind of power or something to know something about the MOW that FWS does not know.

[This message edited by cantbeleive123 at 7:51 PM, August 8th (Monday)]

I can relate to this big time. I just got off of Facebook after checking OW new pictures that she posted. I am 13 months post DDay and still dealing with my husband living and working in another state, which is a few blocks away from the OW. My googling and snooping led me to all kinds of stuff that I was not expecting- porno movies and nude pictures that OW was involved in a few years back. I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw her naked body on my computer screen. My husband knows all kinds of personal stuff about this woman but somehow expects me to believe that he did not know she was a former porn actress. I am a middle age woman who is old enough to be OW's mother. I find myself wishing that she would get in a bad accident or get beat down and have her pretty face ruined. The age difference and her physical appearance have dealt a real blow to my self esteem. The obsession is getting better but has still not gone away.

Events during my childhood in addition to an extremely dysfunction family dynamic created a bit of a monster in me -- I am the epitome of fight or flight wrapped up in a neat bow of fierce protectiveness of my family and loved ones.

I have a short list of people who I feel have caused my family or a loved one harm and regardless of years passing there is a simmering in me that always seems to be waiting for vengeance. I am not unique in this as my family purposefully raises it's children with this trait in an attempt to protect the dysfunction. Intense love and loyalty is a necessity in keeping a family like mine intact and intact we remain.

It is that entire concept of "I may beat you but gawd help the stranger that lays a finger on you." To the outside world we may even appear to be extremely close but with a careful look you might notice that the enmeshment is not normal.

Sooo, given that history, I had much practice at focusing on the outsider threatening my family and focus I did. The thing is, I become very quiet, focused and tense. Part of my symptoms of PTSD that I acquired during childhood can only be described as my silent warrior mode -- I physically feel different. My muscles are tense, my normally chatty mind is quiet with the exception of what I feel the threat is, I become very intuitive and even my reflexes are faster.

Once FWH committed to R I went into overdrive to protect us from any possible threat -- this required diligence on my part and I was on high alert in regards to checking up on her (I was on high alert with him as well but the feeling was different). I am prone to compulsive behavior to begin with so I am sure you can imagine how intense things got

The habit and need to check on her was broken with the help of my FWH. It truly took constant reassurance on his part and his actions following his words for me to feel secure enough to get out of warrior mode.

That said, I still check up on her once in awhile. I also check up on her BH because it gives me a peaceful feeling that he has a new better life.

Oh as far as that simmering feeling, it's still there and I don't think it will ever go away. I battle a lot of things that were ingrained in me during childhood but I think the simmering is as good as it gets for me -- I suppose it could be worse. I don't have to forgive her and wish her well in order to heal

P.S. I also recognize that my focus on her vs. my FWH was a necessity at the time. I literally could not focus on his actions and remain in the marriage. That took time.

Just over 2 years past dday here. I have dreamed of MOW every night. I went from thinking of her hourly the first year to just a 3 - 4 times a day past few months.

Three weeks ago, WH and I went to a campground about 200 miles from home for the weekend. When the weekend was over, I wanted to stay so left our boat and trailer there and rode home with him to get my car.

Went back by myself the next morning and felt like I had just exhaled for the first time in 2 years.

I taught myself to drive the boat(well dock the boat on the shore line was the hard part). I learned to fire up a generator when the trailer batteries died. I emptied the gray water tank and devised a hookup from a cut piece of hose, wire, and channel locks to refill fresh water tanks from non threaded faucets. I fished, cleaned my fish, ate my fish. Hiked, swam, made new friends in campground.

And did NOT dream about MOW. Do not even remember thinking about her at all.

I had taken all my SI articles, books, notes, etc with me and a loose leaf binder to organize that material somehow. And I never TOUCHED IT.

I just became quiet inside me. Not silent verbally necessarily, but quiet inside.

Came home to a dentist appointment next to her veterinarian practice and lost some of the gain when I saw her car BUT not all.

Have only dreamed of her twice in past week. Have not checked her FB at all. Have not mentioned her or affair to WH.

Hope.