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Things have been going so well. I have been attending IC and am on meds. We are going to MC and that is also going well. My H has been working out, spending time with some friends and getting back into his hobbies. It seemed that life was slowly returning to the pre A norms. Then I accidently stumbled across a land mine and I am afraid that we are back to square one (or worse)!

Monday, my H called on the way home from work and indicated that he wanted us to try to be intimate. I was overjoyed. This was going to be our first time since before D-Day and frankly, I miss it. But, as I was advised by others on SI, I have not been pressing my H, just waiting until he was ready.

After all the posts that I have read here, I realized that this might be difficult for him so I was prepared if he decided that it was too much and choose to back out. I wanted to make this as easy for him as possible.

I changed into a sexy little outfit that I knew he liked. When he walked in and saw me, he was smiling ear to ear and said that he regretted waiting so long. But suddenly, the smile washed off his face and was replaced by a look of disgust and rage. He then asked me if I had worn this outfit for the OM.

OMG, I had. My initial thought was to deny it but I have been working hard to be truthful so I answered him honestly, apologizing immediately. He got upset, saying that he couldn’t take this. It was like all of his pain started crashing back in on him. He got in the car and left.

It has been over 24 hours and he hasn’t returned. He didn’t show up at MC today. He didn’t go to work and I have no idea where he is. He has never failed to come home before.

I sent him e-mails and called him, apologizing multiple times. The only response I got was a blank e-mail reply after I begged him to just let me know he is OK.

I have been truthful when we have discussed the A, trying to answer any questions. No omissions or denials. Absolutely no TT. I created a detailed timeline which he never read. He has never seems to want a lot of information about what happened. When he does ask, he will usually interrupt me and then change topic shortly after I start talking. I first thought that it was just too painful for him to hear but now I am convinced that he just wants to make sure I am willing to answer. And I do.

And now this. I didn’t consider that this may be a trigger. I know that this is new to him and is probably creating horrible mind movies for him. I really didn’t mean to hide anything. This just never crossed my mind. I don’t remember exactly what I wore when I met with the OM. I am throwing out all my lingerie and will trash any other outfits if I remember wearing them. I didn’t think about this being an issue! I hate myself.

I am terrified. Before the A, my H was always open and would discuss issues when they occurred. But it took him almost two months to start interacting with me at all after D-Day. And we have made so much progress. But he never left the house before now.

I have e-mailed him to take as much time as he needs and that I will be here for him when he returns. But please come home to me.

Thanks for listening. This is hard

(((verysorry97)))

BS here, your BH was just hit with a ton of bricks so please continue to be patient with him.

I am so happy to hear that you told him the truth. That is good, very very good. But hon, you have to toss EVERYTHING A related. Even if it is expensive, toss or donate anything that can had anything to do with the A.

Your BH is reeling and in pain right now. He will calm down but it's going to take awhile. He finally came around to open himself up to sex and he was faced with a huge fear. It will probably be awhile before he's ready to try again.

I am so sorry this happened. The old saying is true, an affair changes everything. You need to make sure things are trigger free for at least the first year. With time they will fade but the pain is way to fresh and raw right now.

Hang in there and be sure to be there for your BH when he returns.

BS here. Hope that's ok.

Honey, I'm so sorry it turned out like that. He probably wasn't expecting to react that way himself.

Yes, throw away all your lingerie and buy new things.

Sounds like he needs his space right now. When he gets back...

All you can do is be there for him and show your support. Reassure him how much you love him , hold him, say you are sorry about the trigger and that you are grateful for another chance.

I hope he comes home soon. Hang in there.

BS here. I commend you for telling the truth, even in that moment when it had to be really really hard.

I would go through and get rid of the lingerie, NOW. Burn it. Take a pic on the phone and send it to him. Any and all clothing worn with OM, burn. Give him the visual. It's gone. Go through every single inch of the house and get rid of every single thing that could be related to OM.

The thing is, that he had the world's worst mind movie at that moment. Unfortunately, he could picture not only you and OM, but himself there as well. He is feeling angry, and violated. It may take him some time.

I would send a text and tell him you are so sorry for not thinking about getting rid of the stuff before now, it must have been horrible for him at that moment and you are so sorry that you had to hurt him over again. That you love him and won't lie to him, but are so sorry. THen burn everything, send the pic, and give him time.

DOn't know that it will help, but that is what I would want my FWH to do, in that situation.

I will say that there have been a few times I have left to go on a drive just to get some "air". Not like he has, but he was in intense pain.

I am sorry.

This is so tough. It never crossed my mind that this would be a trigger. This is the first time anything like this has happened. I kept expecting him to come back and nothing.

I am so sorry. I should guessed that this might be a trigger. I mess everything up.

Everything is in the trash. I don't know anything else to throw away.

I am so afraid. Even after D Day, my H went to work. But he didn't today.

Fire is a great idea and could actually be a bonding experience.

Here is what I would want...

Take pics of you putting the items in a metal bin.

Take a pic of a gas can.

Take a pic of a match it your hand with a caption that says "waiting for you".

Let him know these things have a history that should have never been. And you are glad to get rid of them.

This post brought me to tears. Insane tears. My husband got nervous that I had something new to tell him :-(.

This is the type of trigger I would have if I were the BS. It's the type that most BS probably have, but reading about it for some reason resonated with me because I think I would do the EXACT same thing as you BS.

Hugs to you, hang in there....and getting rid of EVERYTHING is an excellent idea. Do it together if he will respond to you.

Things just keep getting worse.

My MIL called worried because my H hadn't called her I had to tell her that I didn't know where he was. Shortly after, my SIL shows up screaming that my H needs to kick my slut ass out. She has always hated me and this just gives her more ammunition

Then, to top everything, my DD discovered the A. How could she not with my SIL. Dd knew that we were having problems but we had not told her the cause. She just spent the last hour lashing out at me.

Should I keep e-mailing and calling? I have been trying to limit my calls to give him space.

I keep hoping my poor H will drive up. This is going to be a long night. I really appreciate the support.

(((verysorry97)))

i will say a prayer for you, i hope you can find some peace tonight

(((verysorry97)))

I have to give you a ton of credit because it would have been so easy to just tell him what he wanted to hear, and say that you had not worn that outfit for OM, and instead you chose to be completely honest. No matter how hurtful some of the details of an A are, nothing can be as hurtful as when a WS lies to you. I hope that he realizes that, and that everything works out for both of you.

VS97...

You did the right thing. Sending you strength and peace.How are you today? Any update?

I could just kill your SIL right now.

How are you today?

Bs here u telling the truth is so huge, it will go so far towards recovery!...... my ww tt for months.......hang in there when your bs calms down and looks at how honest u were it will mean so much to him!

BS here. You did the right thing in telling the truth, no matter how much it hurt him.

Your SIL had no right to disclose in a way that your kid found out. I would not stand for anyone treating my WS that way.

I hope your H is safe. It must have been a huge shock for him. Tell him you know what it did to him, that you are sorry you weren't more tuned in to A-related stuff, and that you will do your best to be so in future. It isn't possible for you to be able to foresee every potential trigger. But I agree with what everyone else has said about getting rid of A stuff. Perhaps that's something you could do together?

Oh and from experience - do not discuss your worry and fear at his absence or your SIL's behavior until you are both calm.

BS here. You did the right thing in telling the truth, no matter how much it hurt him.

Your SIL had no right to disclose in a way that your kid found out. I would not stand for anyone treating my WS that way.

I hope your H is safe. It must have been a huge shock for him. It isn't possible for you to be able to foresee every potential trigger, but I agree with what everyone else has said about getting rid of A stuff. Perhaps that's something you could do together?

Oh and from experience - do not discuss your worry and fear at his absence or your SIL's behavior until you are both calm.

Still no contact. He hasn't responding to me, DD or his mom. He missed work again.

(((verysorry97))).

I'm wondering if the reality of this isn't just hitting him. From your posts he seemed to "know" but not KNOW. He'd ask then basically stick his fingers in his ears and go "la la la" as you answered reassured by your response but not absorbing the details.

Walking in and seeing you in the outfit he loved when he was with you intimately and hearing you say you shared it with him may have opened the floodgate and made all too real what was before a twilight sleep nightmare.

Hang on. He's working through this himself right now and you can't force him to reach out to you right now. Be there for him. Be there for your daughter. Keep away from your SIL.

Take care of yourself making sure you eat, drink fluids (no booze) and keep safe.

You told the truth. Huge! Now hang on.

VS97, I hope you hear from him soon.

I'm a BS. In the brief week between when I offered my XWH a chance at R, and when I discovered he was continuing it (and I filed), there was a moment when I was in our walk-in closet ready to eliminate any article of clothing he had ever worn for OW. In fact, I did throw away all of his underwear. Anything ever touched by OW was soiled IMO. Including him, which was going to be really hard for me to get over. But I was willing to try. I wasn't going to throw him away. However, the clothes? All had to go.

SABW here, just stopping in to offer you a huge hug and to say good for you for being honest and telling the truth and writing your timeline. FWIW I agree your SIL was way out of line. I hope your BH might at least be induced to text you if only to say I'm still alive. TBH, though, I understand the instinct to run and hide like a wounded animal when the reality sets in.

Again- hugs and hopes that your BH contacts you soon.

~ Sabina