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Wayward Side :
I feel like an egg...

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 bewuzzled (original poster member #31584) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

Alot of you know,from the R forum that I am seriously struggling right now, that Stuck and I are in a bad place.

So these days I feel like an egg, with a crack in the shell. One wrong touch, one wrong word, and I will break completely and I will spill out into the floor and make a big mess. And you can't put an egg back together again..

I'm going to share something that it's really difficult for me to write about. Because I need to get it out today. Everytime I think about it, I'm instantly in tears. The sheer amour of stress these days is killing me.

We found out very recently, that our daughter, who just turned 12, was touched inappropriately by an older cousin. I hate the word molested, but I suppose I should call it what it is. We are both devastated, and brokenhearted for our baby girl. The news blew our already shattered worlds apart again.

And so now we have started the process of taking legal action and getting DD the help she needs.

BH is scared that R will be forgotten or placed on the back burner. He wholeheartedly agrees that we must put our daughter first now, but it scares him. I don't know, it scares me too. She certaintly doesn't need her family to fall apart right now.

What a mess my life has become this year. And most of it due to my dumbass choices. What a year.

So there it is. That's why I feel like an egg with a cracked shell. How to repair my shell before it breaks all together, I haven't got a clue.

Thanks for listening.

fWW/BW (me) 42 now MH
BH/WH MH (him) 42 (StuckOnTheFence)
2 kids (21& 18)
D day #1 1/20/11
D day #2 1/28/11
I am seeking, I am striving
I am in it with all my heart.

posts: 707   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Missouri
id 5431431
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kdny ( member #760) posted at 1:31 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

((((bewuzzled)))

A hug, because you need one.

This is a horrible thing for you and your family to have to deal with and I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with your daughter.

Both of you need to try to remember that in times like these you will need to be each others strength.

Turn toward. Lean on.

Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

posts: 81335   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2002   ·   location: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
id 5431444
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 1:32 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

Bewuzzled,

I'm so sorry about what happened to your daughter. I want to share something with you that is similar, and will hopefully be of some help with your process.

While LD and I were in early R, we were having serious issues with DS. He was arrested, using a lot of drugs, expelled from college. He fathered a child with his xgf and gave up his parental rights. Over the period of a few years after our d-day, we managed to get through it, and still work our R.

LD often says he was able to get through the DS stuff because of our R stuff, and vice versa. We focused on the R when we needed to, and dealt with DS issues when we needed to. It's amazing what a person can do when they have the will, and the strength...we are resilient when we need to be.

I cannot imagine the devastation you are feeling for your DD now, but I know you and your H will be there for her, and continue to do what you need to do, for her, and for your M.

I'm and sending you positive thoughts for energy and strength.

Hugs,

AN

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 5431445
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OnlyLonely ( member #14326) posted at 2:28 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

I am so sorry, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with kdny, you need each other to get through this horrible time. Working together for your sweet daughter could bring you even closer.

Remember a hard boiled egg can have lots of cracks but the contents stay inside.

Take it one day at a time and again my heart goes out to you and your whole family.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years

Status: In R

posts: 7555   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2007
id 5431519
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rollercoaster80 ( member #23412) posted at 2:32 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

((((bewuzzled))))

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

We also went through a bad period after Dday. My son was suicidal and we found out using drugs. He has been in and out of rehab in the past 3 years,has been thrown out of the several times and has stolen from us. I found that as authenticnow stated sometimes the focus was on my son, sometimes on our healing. I do beleve it helped my fws and I get closer....There were some crazy times when he and I were struggling and we had to meet with my son's counselors....we were not agreeing on anything....BUT we got through it.

Take care of youself. I am currently diagnosed with a chronic rare disease. It is VERY important to take care of yourself and continue your own counseling.

Good luck!

me 58 fbw
him 71 FWH/SA
married 35 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage

posts: 1053   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2009   ·   location: sarasota, fl
id 5431523
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Mrs Panda ( member #27303) posted at 2:42 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

I feel for you. Bewuz, you are working hard and I think you will make it. You are strong and maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am so sorry about your DD. It is too young for her to learn what evil exists in the world.

Me-48 FWW Him 51BH
M 20 years,. Fully Reconciled ❤️.
DDay#1 Nov 2008
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Prior A from 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

posts: 2080   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2010   ·   location: NY state
id 5431535
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 bewuzzled (original poster member #31584) posted at 2:56 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

Thank you everybody. It means so much to have so many people out there pulling for us. and so many who understand personally the stresses of dealing with kids who have experienced traumas and difficult times.

My eyes and head hurt from the crying marathon this morning. But I know, in my heart, and In spite of my tears we are gonna be ok. All of us. We will get through all of this. Somehow.

fWW/BW (me) 42 now MH
BH/WH MH (him) 42 (StuckOnTheFence)
2 kids (21& 18)
D day #1 1/20/11
D day #2 1/28/11
I am seeking, I am striving
I am in it with all my heart.

posts: 707   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Missouri
id 5431551
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uncertainone ( member #28108) posted at 2:59 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

Oh my God. My heart breaks for your daughter, you and your husband. Thoughts and prayers.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

posts: 6795   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2010
id 5431556
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stilllovingher ( member #29959) posted at 3:39 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

I'm sorry I was a little harsh in the R thread.

Tend to your daughter now. Dont think of it as putting R on the back burner, consider this your first stress test. Turn towards each other, pray together, work together.

It speaks volumes that SOTF is concerned about this affecting R. THERE are his true colors and intentions loud and clear!!! I really hope that brings a smile to your face.

Again, take care of your daughter,together.

The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

posts: 2427   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2010   ·   location: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
id 5431588
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BrokenRoad ( member #15334) posted at 4:05 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

(((bewuzzled, Stuck, and DD)))

{Him}FBH - 51 (WifeHad5){Me} FWW - 52 2 kids: 16 & 21 Reconciled :)*Learning is a gift. Even when pain is your teacher.*

posts: 12876   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Midwest
id 5431626
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 bewuzzled (original poster member #31584) posted at 4:25 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

SLHer,

I didn't think you were harsh at all. I need to hear how you see things. I need you opinions, your thoughts.. It helps me to see your perspective. Just b/c we are dealing with this too, does not give me any excuse not to do what needs to be done for R.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. We need all we can get right now.

fWW/BW (me) 42 now MH
BH/WH MH (him) 42 (StuckOnTheFence)
2 kids (21& 18)
D day #1 1/20/11
D day #2 1/28/11
I am seeking, I am striving
I am in it with all my heart.

posts: 707   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Missouri
id 5431656
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 4:33 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

(((Bewuzzled))) I'm so, so sorry. Your daughter is lucky to have suck loving parents. Remember to extend some love to yourself during this difficult period, too.

BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15630   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 5431665
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dmc1960 ( new member #32273) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

An Analogy - A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee...

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.......

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as though just as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.

In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did, and noted that they were soft.

The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

Which are you?" she asked her daughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, ...

but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to reflect on those people who mean something to you; Those who have touched your life in one way or another; Those who make you smile when you really need it; Those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; Those whose friendship you appreciate; Those who are so meaningful in your life.

May your reflection on this strengthen you and - May we all be COFFEE!

posts: 5   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2011   ·   location: MN
id 5432044
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reallyscrewedup7 ( member #30825) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

Bewuzzled

I am so so sorry for your daughters trauma and your struggles.

I pray that you and Stuck will find the love that you both clearly share, for yourselves and your daughter, that will help you through these terrible times.

While it is not worth much, remember that we are sending you positive thoughts.

On your side...

Infidelity sucks shit

posts: 1145   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2011   ·   location: Finding my way
id 5432105
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caspers1wish ( member #28720) posted at 4:22 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

I think it's natural to put your daughter first at this moment, with no reservation or hesitation. It's also natural to be fearful for the future of your relationship, but your daughter's well being trumps whether your relationship fails or survives. Like kdny said, turn towards each other during this time. It can do nothing but bring you closer, having the common goal to do what's right for your daughter. This may seem like another blow in your lives, but there is also a positive here that may change the face of your reconciliation. Know that just because it changes, does not mean you cannot succeed.

Hugs.

posts: 901   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2010
id 5432112
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Semaj ( member #31886) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

no words (((BEWEUZZLED)))

posts: 86   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2011
id 5432181
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UnexpectedSong ( member #21761) posted at 5:59 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Whatever you do, don't let her feel that you do not believe her.

WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

posts: 6421   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2008   ·   location: California
id 5432273
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thundersdad78 ( member #30260) posted at 7:54 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

I'm sorry for your pain

[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 1:57 PM, September 12th (Monday)]

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle

posts: 1139   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2010   ·   location: thundersdad78
id 5432494
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Thundersmom ( member #30246) posted at 8:03 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

((Bewuzzled))

Please tend to your DD first and foremost, both of you. I am all for doing everything possible in R but let me say that NOW is a time your daughter needs you both more than ever and it can and will affect the rest of her life.

Excuse the t/j but I was molested as a child for several years when I was very young. Looking back now (and maybe with some help from where my education and work experience come in) I am shocked my parents never noticed the behaviors that I was exhibiting was screaming that someone was hurting me. When I later told my parents of being molested while in therapy as a preteen their reaction (mostly my mother's because call me sexist but children tend to look to their mommies in times of need) is what formed so much of my later views of myself and sex. My mother was/is a cruel self absorbed woman and would not stand for anything that didn't give her attention (or if that attention was anything negatively about her parenting). She ignored me and found a way to continue living her life because it was more important and even made me believe that I was such a "slut" at the ages of 5-6ish and thereafter it was my fault and I must have been asking for it.

Now in no way do you seem like that kind of parent or person (otherwise you would never be on such a forum) I am only stressing this because I know first hand how something can cause so much long term damage to a child. My heart truly goes out to you and your whole family.

Look at this time as a chance for you and your husband to turn to each other, see where your progress on yourself is and what you need to work on, take this time to be gentle with your husband and stand united to protect your daughter. This is what R is about, working hard, turning towards each other, and forever looking for ways to improve and unite. I see R as a lifetime commitment not a race to get forgiveness.

Stand tall Bewuzzled you are doing well and we are here for you.

"Just when the caterpillar thought life was over it became a beautiful butterfly"
"But I tell you who hear me: L

posts: 103   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2010
id 5432514
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verysorry97 ( member #32403) posted at 10:06 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2011

(((Bewuzzled)))

I am so sorry about your DD. This is every parents nightmare. Words can't express the sorrow I feel for you, your daughter, and your husband.

I fully understand you egg analogy. This is largely the way I have felt since D Day. And I have not had to deal with anything like you are facing with your DD

The one thing that my BH told me a few weeks ago really helps. He said "Look at everything that has happened so far and I am still here. Some minor mistake isn't going to push me away. You grow on me. Like a fungus .

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

WW - Me 42
BH - 42
D Day 4/27/11
DS 21
DD 19
2 furry friends

Praying for a chance at R

posts: 132   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Eastern PA
id 5432773
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