SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my wife and I are about 70 days out from D Day. Have lightly touched on R but she has not stuck to NC. Today she advised she's "stuck" and can't pull the trigger to leave and can't pull the trigger to go. I offered her the name of a marriage coach that I spoke to last night, whom was very helpful. She responded look, I can read all the books, go to all the therapy sessions and become a better person...but that won't help my problem. I asked what's your problem, she said my world is here with you in OH, but my heart is in KY (where affair boy lives).

I shared a few statistics with her about how unlikely it is that their relationship will survive, etc and then told her after she reads about all that, if her heart is in KY then perhaps she should go.

What a crazy day. I can't believe I lost my wife to another man. I'm crushed.

I'm so sorry for you. I'm literally at a point where the time since d-day can reasonably be measured in hours still, so I can offer you no constructive advice, but I do understand how it feels to be crushed.

There are people here who understand. x x

(((horizen)))

Right now she's on the fence. The only way she's going to get off is if you push her. Get your ducks in a row and start pushing.

I am so very sorry.

I hate to be blunt when you are in so much pain, but you need to understand that at this stage, there is NOTHING that YOU can do to win her back.

I got that same advice here at SI when I arrived. I thought I knew better, of course...WE were different, my wife and I, because we'd been through so much together and were best friends and yadda yadda yadda. Like everyone before me, I learned I was wrong.

The irony is that she may one day wake up and realize that her heart belongs to you. She MAY. But if she does, it won't have anything to do with you showing her how wonderful you are right now.

In fact, all evidence suggests the opposite is true - and it's called the 180.

I would say the BEST thing you can do right now - for your chances of one day keeping her, perhaps, but moreover, for yourself - is to tell her to have her ass follow her heart to KY, and the sooner, the better.

Again, I don't mean to be a dick. I know this sucks - been there, done that. Stay strong.

Our may be a similar story. At 74 days (otherwise known as Saturday) I ended our marriage because H broke contact with OW. In the two weeks leading up to that he was 'unable' to make a 'choice' and he said things like he was afraid he would miss out on a chance with her, but he knew he needed to do the right thing (and was obligated to do) by staying.

Don't let yourself get sucked into crazy. Don't fall for the whole fence crap. You pick. She'll get off on one side of the fence or the other, but don't be afraid to assert yourself.

wow horizen, 70 days of continued contact and pining for the OP has to be tough to live with.

...if her heart is in KY then perhaps she should go.

I would say there is no perhaps about it, she should either commit to the M and establish, or go. Now.

Looks like you are going to have to pull the trigger for her.

Wow. I agree with the others - push her off the fence.

Go buy her a bus ticket to KY. Hand her the ticket and a suitcase. Tell her you'll giver her a ride to the bus station.

The shock of that alone will force her to start focusing.

Hello.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. But I know exactly what you are going through. My husband was the same way except the MOW lived around the corner.

I had enough of the waffling and told him to be with her since thats where his heart is. (He actually said that he continued to love me through his affair. Seriously). Sorry I digress. Anyway, I packed his things and told him to go.

He did. But realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side and that he wasn't in love with her just infatuated with the whole affair.

Now he wants his wife back.

Sometimes you have to kick them out for them to open their eyes and start dealing in Reality instead of that Fantasy.

Aoso, good advice is to do the 180. It does work.

Best wishes to you. Keep your head up and remain strong.

I see that you're new here and unhappily we're here for the same reason. I think everyone else is right, a little push will go just right. You can't keep your arms open forever and willing to take whatever, it's must leave or move forward. Best lucky

I see that you're new here and unhappily we're here for the same reason. I think everyone else is right, a little push will go just right. You can't keep your arms open forever and willing to take whatever, it's must leave or move forward. Best lucky

I see that you're new here and unhappily we're here for the same reason. I think everyone else is right, a little push will go just right. You can't keep your arms open forever and willing to take whatever, it's must leave or move forward. Best lucky

Horizen, I know this is counter intuitive as all hell and I understand you wanting to wait it out to save your marriage but I can tell you with certainty that never ever works.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Time to close the bakery.

She says her heart is in KY?. Fine. Tell her to pack her shit and get her ass to KY. Today.

I shared a few statistics with her about how unlikely it is that their relationship will survive, etc and then told her after she reads about all that, if her heart is in KY then perhaps she should go.

Here's the problem with this statement. It's logical and well thought out. You are trying to use logic with someone who has thrown it completely out the window in favor of her fantasy. Logic will NOT win the day because she will have thousands of reasons why your perfectly logical statement is wrong in her and OM's case. Because they're special.

What a crazy day. I can't believe I lost my wife to another man. I'm crushed.

Hold on a minute there, Bro. YOU didn't lose NUTHIN. For you to lose your wife implies there was something you could have done to win, and there isn't. She CHOSE this. It's not an accident, you didn't push her into it, there wasn't some magic button you could've pushed to stop it from happening. This was her CHOICE and you had about as much to do with this choice as you do with the sunrise.

What you CAN choose is how long you are going to put up with a woman in your house who doesn't love you enough to keep her promises to you? How much longer are you willing to share your wife with another man? Because you can be as sure as the sunrise that she will continue with this cake eating until she is made to stop.

She can't (won't) pull the trigger, then you pull it and fire her ass. Make her choose.

Understand she could choose to leave, there are no promises to this, but that would only be her ass going where she says her heart already is. You can't lose something you don't have, so pushing her off the fence is a win-win. You win if she stays and commits to the marriage and you win if she goes because then you can finally start putting her behind you.

Don't you think you deserve better than what she is offering? Don't you think you deserve to be more than plan B? Kick her ass to the curb.

what C64D said

this is the first time I have noticed your threads so I went back and read a few

Dude ... I dunno who you thought your wife was prior to this ... but it looks pretty much like she is totally spineless.

I agree with the above posters ... put her stuff on the front porch and hand her a bus ticket to Kentucky.

Have you seen an attorney yet? Have you filed divorce paperwork? Do you realize that it has come to this? That you should be taking some action?

[This message edited by paulb at 6:08 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

I have a similar story to yours, WW and co-worker, lunchtime affair. So I can tell you....

The 180 is the only way to go. I've been on SI for two months. And I can honestly say that the biggest mistake I made was NOT doing the 180 and kicking my WW off the fence.

You can't reason with a WS once they get to that point. they don't care about statistics, or your history with her, or counseling.

The OM is so "wonderful" that their hurting, sad BH can't compare.

Kick her off the fence. Save yourself. Once she leaves, you'll be surprised how quickly losing her to another man doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

The OM "won" a woman who lied and cheated and had a double life for 1 1/2 yrs. And you "lost" a person you love very dearly, but who also clearly didn't think enough of the M or of you to be faithful or honest.

Being away from her is the only cure for what ails you my friend. Push her off that fence....

Have lightly touched on R but she has not stuck to NC.

So.....you sayin' that your wife is still in contact with the OM?

Is he married?

Do you know who he is??

Bufffalo

If I'd heard my WW that, I have told her to leave. In fact, I'd have helped her pack.

To her your a paycheck, not her husband.

[This message edited by andyd1950 at 7:45 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

My FWH didn't say his heart was with the FOW but by the way he was acting for the first 8 days after dday I knew it sure the hell wasn't with me. So I kicked him out and forced him to live in fantasy land. He begged and pleaded with me and I stayed calm and even packed him some clothes in paper bags and oops forgot to pack his toothbrush.

2 weeks later he was begging to have another chance.

Before that I was the nicest, sweetest and understanding wife I could be. I even gave the jackass a manicure and back rub during those 8 days of being treated like an evil warden, all the while the A was underground. My conditions were so laughable, I did not want to make him uncomfortable and I was going to bust my ass doing things to make him happy and they were in my condition list, shit for ME to do!

Bottom line, she is going to remain foggy if she stays in contact. The grass is always going to look greener if she's foggy. She will stay on that fence eating cake as long as you'll let her. Knock down the fence.

Send her to Kentucky and see how long it takes before she comes running back. If she doesn't come back then you are better off because she never would have changed.

I am so sorry she's pulling this crap. It's insulting and disrespectful. It's time for a solid 180. You can do it!

Here's the problem with this statement. It's logical and well thought out. You are trying to use logic with someone who has thrown it completely out the window in favor of her fantasy. Logic will NOT win the day because she will have thousands of reasons why your perfectly logical statement is wrong in her and OM's case. Because they're special.

You cannot reason with crazy. I tried to no avail. I went through a prolonged period of broken NC or continued contact. Months of it. It wasn't until I put the 180 to use and started to detach from the M (as well as good hard shove off the fence - I told him to go be with his OW). that pretty much did it. I just removed myself from the equation. He realized that there wasn't much there with the OW. He realized what he was risking and sent the NC letter.

Take control of the situation. Hefty bag her stuff up and tell her to go where her heart is.

Argue with crazy and they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I just want to echo the general consensus here. You can't argue with them and you can't 'win'. Their flawed reasoning is something like this:

"See how you make me feel? This is why this happened in the first place - I don't like the person you make me feel like. This marriage is broken I'm going to affairy-land."

The whole broken-marriage thing is something of a chicken and egg debate and has been much discussed, but the bottom line is that the only thing you can do is take care of your own sanity; don't get dragged into her crazy world.