SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Although my WH swears he has told me the truth about his past indescretions, I don't beleive him...

We are approaching the one year mark, and I feel like I have been quite patient with him and his stubbornness to discuss anything about his ONS, and possible other A's (either EA, or PA) I just know there is more to it!!!

I'm going to suggest a polygrah...

Have you had experience with it, and what were your thoughts???

What types of questions did you ask??

Apparently I can only ask a maximum of 3-4 specific questions...

thanks

I never went through with the polygraph, but I thought I would throw out my experience. Threaten a polygraph, get a confession. Threaten a polygraph, get a confession. Rinse and repeat a few more times. I still don't think I have it all, but enough that I'm willing to move forward. She also says she will take one at this point, but at this point I think that there is a good possibility that she is just calling my bluff.

The polygraph was incredibly helpful, but it was definitely not a silver bullet; it didn't erase future anxieties and doubts.

I asked 10 questions which the examiner helped me articulate. I had a million questions on the day of the test, but the examiner read them and explained questions about emotions/feelings could not be judged by a polygraph. So, it came down to things like, "Have you had any form of contact w/ AP since Dday? Were you involved in any inappropriate relationships prior to the A w/ MOW?"

I'm glad we went through it, but it was also very stressful and somewhat humiliating for me, not just FWH. I also agree that it can become a temptation to continually repeat a polygraph; we had only the 1, and I have come to realize that my gut is every bit as reliable as that test.

nomoreplease:

I'm hoping that by threatening a polygraph, he will admit to more...

we'll see...

I'm wondering if more people had similar situations, where they threatened a Poly and their WS admitted more as a result of the polygraph

lostworld:

thanks for your honesty.

I have come to realize that my gut is every bit as reliable as that test.

Did you get some of theose questions answered?

were they questions that he refused to answer, or he answered dishonestly prior to the polygraph?

thanks again...

I would love to hear more....

Hi. The examiner read the questions to my FWH in my presence before ever hooking him up to the polygraph; this was to clarify any questions and to prevent the results from being skewed due to extreme anxiety. Immediately after the "dry run," the real exam began...I chose to leave the room for the real one.

Yep, my FWH honestly answered every question asked. I had gone through a year-plus false R, so it was really critical that I knew that NC had been established and maintained. He took the poly 3 months after Dday 2(the final Dday).

Of course I wanted to ask things like, "Do you love the MOW? Do you miss her? Do you love Lostworld? Do you miss the MOW?..." Our examiner explained these types of questions may be asked, but they really don't lend themselves to true or false answers, have too much ambiguity, and commonly give false results. W/ these types of questions, as well as questions about "intentions," there is just too much hair-splitting. For example, "Do you love Lostworld? Yes, always; Yes, sometimes; Yes, not during the A; Yes, but I didn't act lovingly toward her during the A; No, because right now I feel anxious and humiliated by her"; You can see where all this goes.

I think polygraphs work if you recognize all the pluses and minuses of them. They are really great for asking specific questions about prior/current indiscretions, number of AP's, gifts given or received during the A, dates about contact, last contact between AP's, existence of email addresses/facebook accounts, undisclosed phones, visits to divorce attorneys during A, hiding of assets...Fortunately for me, the great majority of these questions did not pertain to us, but they are questions that I've seen others grapple w/ over my years on the SI boards.

The only question that my FWH had answered dishonestly prior to the poly was about fishing from the MOW. We had agreed that I would be made aware of all contact/fishing, and he didn't admit that she had sent a letter to him at work a week after Dday 2; this was huge because he knew how I lived in constant anxiety dreading the day I might open the mailbox and find a note from her, along w/ the awful fact that he was violating one of our most basic rules for R. When my FWH heard a question in the pre-session that stated something like, "Have you had contact of any form w/ or from the AP since this date?", he immediately pulled me aside and confessed that she had written him a letter which he read and tore up. W/ the examiner's help, we reworded the question for the test to include the letter. And no, my FWH did not refuse to answer any questions...I would have taken that as a complete admission of guilt and he knew that.

Honestly, after Dday 1, it never entered my head to want a polygraph. I could not conceive that my H would continue to betray me; however, his behavior was speaking volumes. I saw the signs that he was still in the A, but found ways to deny that knowledge to myself until over a year went by and I caught him w/ incontrovertible evidence. The false R did more damage than any other part of this entire mess, and made forgiveness and R almost impossible. But, I'm happy to say, we did get through it and are in a good place today. If you have any other questions, please feel free to do so. Take care.

Here's my experience - I asked for one to clear up ONE item that remains open. He says the answer is no, I don't believe it.

He freaks and says I just won't ever let this die and we'll never move on with our lives. So I already know the answer. Now, instead, I'm going to let him hang around while I get factual, court approved proof, then I'm going to have him arrested.

Yes, what he did is illegal. He's a low piece of shit. I want to see him cuffed and stuffed. Game over.

I recently posted on another thread in JFO about polygraphs. You can read the thread at:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=431162

I could ask 4 questions, and FWH did give me the last of the TT just before the polygraph.

brokenandfedup,

nomoreplease:

I'm hoping that by threatening a polygraph, he will admit to more...

we'll see...

I'm wondering if more people had similar situations, where they threatened a Poly and their WS admitted more as a result of the polygraph

I'm sorry to say this, but threatening won't help (at least it didn't for me). All of the threats and confessions were after my final D-day (or were part of it), and I still don't think I have the truth. I will never know everything that I want (even if I did the poly). I am, however, to a point were I think I can move forward with what I know.

The bottom line is you won't know the truth unless you actually go through with the poly (and even then only the few questions you can ask during and polygraphs aren't 100%).

*edited to add that the multiple threats and confessions actually made it worse, because it proved to me that she would only admit to enough to get me to stop asking.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 4:34 PM, November 7th (Monday)]

Stupid question....how does one go about getting a polygraph??

I found my polygrapher by going to the state accreditation website for polygraphers.

I am about 10 months out. I have been on the fence about a poly for several months. I finally told my WW it was a condition of our M. I told her I would understand if she wanted to back out, that we could just work on a cordial D. There have been so many I don’t knows and I don’t remembers that I told her I wanted to go to a reputable therapist for hypnosis to help with the memory issues, and then follow up with a poly. WW reluctantly agreed, which kind of surprised me based on what my gut told me.

Well, like any BS, I had a thousand questions that have bothered me even pre d-day. So, I started crafting my own list of questions for my WW to answer. I told her that all of them would be asked at hypnosis and the poly and I would make another list as I felt necessary. I knew there were too many questions for a poly, but I didn’t care, I needed to start somewhere and I figured the poly examiner could always help me narrow the list later. I actually had a list of 50 questions and I was fully prepared to D if she didn’t want to answer.

What I didn’t prepare myself for was at least a partial parking lot confession. My gut is telling me there is much more, but my wounded heart is telling me not to ask. Its been a couple of weeks since I presented the list to my WW and I have been in an emotional shock ever since. Please do not misunderstand me. I am damn glad I did it. But the shit she told me pieced my soul. I am so glad that I learned what I have learned so far. I am not sure I can continue my M after learning what I did, and I don’t really want to hear anymore. I am just trying to get through the holidays if I can and go from there. So I doubt I will ever opt for a poly as there probably will be no need.

However you decide to proceed, I wish you good luck and peace. I am glad I went all in. It gave me what I needed to know. But it didn’t give me what I wanted to know.

I would only recommend a polygraph in a MC setting with an experienced C.

My SAH had a polygraph about three weeks ago as a part of a 3 day MC intensive. I would only do a PG with a trained C or csat. Our csat required this as a part of his MC.

About 1 month before the intensive, my SAH was given the assignment from csat to write a minimum 20 page disclosure with facts only- starting at age 18 to present.

During the first day, SAH read this disclosure to me. I then asked about 60 questions and SAH responded. After disclosure, SAH then went to another room to take the PG. The PG examiner asked a standard list of questions, and then asked ones I added. The cool thing about this was while SAH was taking the test, csat and I were in an IC session and were in email contact w/polygrapher. We knew how SAH was answering and I could add anything that came to mind.

I was told that before each question is asked, my SAH was given one last chance to get the truth out-and he did. He was so scared poopless that he had to add a couple of things that were not told in disclosure- otherwise he would have failed. Csat assured me that it is common w/cheaters to "forget" or "bury" events. My SAH had forgotten some early childhood abuse as well as some other minor details. After the PG, SAH had to disclose the untold facts face to face.

This has given our M hope-even though my WH is SA. All the shame of A/O is now in the light. I have given my WH written boundaries and have a get out of dodge plan in case my SAH falls off the wagon. As a part of our MC, SAH gets another PG in 2.5 mos, 6 mos and 1 yr. If anything is crossing my boundaries, SAH must leave and R is over. We have lots of R activities and WH must go to meetings 2x/week. This PG, when used in a MC setting has given us a fighting chance. I finally have the missing pieces!

peace-ccg

We did the poly with the support of our MC, but it wasn't in an "intensive" environment.

I think it depends on your particular situation. In my case, FWH was doing many things right and he was showing remorse. However, I knew he wasn't fully honest about some details of the A, and he had lied so much that I just couldn't trust what he had told me was the truth on a few major issues.

The poly didn't fix everything, but it helped me put some issues to rest without circling the same drain over and over again.

Asked my FWW tonight if she would be willing to take a PG. She asked if I was serious, I said "Yes". She said "I guess" then I got a few more morsels of TT outta her over the next hour or so, but something still just isn't sitting right. Once again the threat is enough to work.

All things in time.

Can someone force a polygraph on their spouse in a divorce proceeding? May help me reduce alimony

He took one. He thought he could beat it and was pretty sure he would tell "his truth" and all would be good. I asked 4 questions I think and he was told the questions while I was in the room and he had to say how he would answer and rate how sure of himself he was. Only one question, one about any email or phone contact w/ another woman was he not 100% sure of his answer. He was 98% sure of that one. But all his responses were saying he was an angel.

He told me he was not nervous at all before the test and once years ago had to take a poly for work. Well, the test that HE paid $500 for came back with no results. I cannot think of the words the polygrapher used but basically he was being purposefully deceptive in his answers so the test was not valid. He was hyperventilating / breathing short and fast during simple baseline questions like are the lights on or do u sometimes drink water. I knew he was lying but even after the test he said he was nervous and that is why he was hyperventilating. But the polygrapher knew he was being deceptive

Even after the "failed" polygraph- that he lied on, he said he would take it again. I rerused. About a month later i found out the ow was visiting him from out of state and he had gotteen a hotelmroom 2 hours away! Yeah- he was lying. Polygrapgh wasnt conclusive but i knew he was lying a bout something.

My H never admitted to anything. Ever. Still doesn't. He agreed to a poly after it was suggested by our MC. Said he was eager to take it. He didn't seem extremely nervous the day of the test. My questions were all along the lines of have you ever cheated, etc. he failed the test, it came out highly deceptive on all questions. He just couldn't believe it! Wanted another with a different examiner. (both were very experienced with over 10,000 polys given.). Again, failed a bit worse than fist one, again, highly deceptive. He still denies everything and I believe he will forever. So, while it didn't really give me any answers, it gave me THE answer. He cheated, he lies. He clings to the 'polys are not 100%' argument. We actually don't even discuss it any more.

In limbo, lining up my ducks.

I can't imagine asking my STBXWH to take a polygraph...he would have blown the machine up! thought I'd add some humor; it's against his religion to tell the truth even under a test he would lie, and actually believe himself and blame the machine!