SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new here and found this website from another. I am 24 and my SO is 26. We have an 18 mo old girl and have been together for over 6 years. He cheated on me in June for 1-2 weeks then broke up with me, conceived the child, then about 2 weeks later we started counseling and we were back together. In August at counseling he came out and said everything, and said he was expecting a baby in March and she was keeping it. She tried everything to get him to choose her and he chose to stay. It's been such a hard road, mainly because he is on good terms with her as he thinks. They do not speak the last time they spoke was about the sex of baby. He wants this child in his life as much as possible which means I will never get away from this woman. She has 2 kids already and is 33. He wants to go to the hospital when the baby is born, how does that work with me being there? I know we still have so much to discuss but has anyone else gone through this where they are on good terms and he wants to be a big part of the child's life? I'm not sure how this is going to even go.. I'm hoping to really get on the same page and forming a plan together just in case. Just looking for any advice or thoughts..

Just want to say that having to pay child support is not helping w/COM Christmas. I hate the fact that all that money is going to a child that OW had just to try to get my H to leave me. It sickens me. I know she will be asking for a present for OC soon. All I can think is why would we get a present for a child we don't even know.

I really hate OW! I wish she would fall off the face of the earth. How do I get her out of my head? It's been two years and she is still taking up space in my head. I want her out. We were decorating our tree and I start thinking that is things had gone the way she had planned she would be here decorating my tree playing mommy with my child. It makes me want to puke. How can I make myself stop thinking these things? I am tired of it.

(((TOF))) detach, detach, detach. I'm serious, this 'ish will eat you alive if you don't. I know, I have ocd and anxiety and I dwell hardcore on stuff all the time. The OW in our sitch has been quiet, too quiet so I know she will also most likely be trying to C for xmas gifts. She gets enough CS, she can get xmas with that. Plus she's manipulative, so I'm sure the kid will get xmas stuff.

Its also been 2 years for me and detaching is the only way I preserve sanity.

And I know how you feel about the cs taking away from the COM. Its a huge reason why the holidays hurt so much for me now.

(((Sage1000))) sorry didn't get here sooner for you. I'm lucky that my fwh had no desire to be there for the birth, mostly because we honestly had no clue who the father was...she met my fwh online and immediately slept with him, who knows who else she was with?! If you don't want him to go, put your foot down! He needs to remember you have feelings too.

I'm getting ready for bed, I will check back in tomorrow. (((Everyone)))

Island this maybe be a stupid question but how do I detach? I know I check my H's email & the phone bill too often. I also check her fb page even though she rarely gets on it. Although last month she posted a pic of OC and let me say it was not a flattering picture. OC looked a hot mess. Hair disheveled, red chapped chin and not even smiling. I can't seem to stop checking it's like I'm addicted to it. It's like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm so scared that she will change her mind and want us to have C. I know my H would want to but it has been 2 years and now it would be very confusing to my 6 yrs old.

Just want you to know I hate the OW in your situation. It is so unfair for her to be able to manipulate the system the way she does. It makes me sick. All that stuff she has done with the insurance seems like that should be illegal. Can she see your records? If so that is not right. I can't remember the name of the law that concerns medical records (don't know if that just goes for DR's releasing medical info) but it seems like that would go against that. I know if I log into our insurance website I can see all the claims for each person.

Hugs to you. I hope she remains quiet for the holidays! Well forever for that matter.

Hey ladies. Only post once in a blue moon. Looking for opinions/advice.

We have been NC with the OC due to an uncooperative OW. We had a blow up in Sept about attempted contact, the wh contacted her outside of how we planned. . The shit hit the fan.

I reached out to OW and let her know that I am willing to "facilitate" contact so the oc can know her father and siblings. I got ignored, she didn't even want to be bothered with allowing the oc to speak with my wh over the phone, just wanted to lecture my wh on all the things that he couldn't ask the oc about their/ow's personal life.

I waited 3 months and sent her one more offer. I expect the same behavior. We can't afford a legal battle with her. Should I just let it go until we either have the money or the oc is of age? I've been more than gracious to this selfish bitch and I get no response.

I told my wh this is what happens when people breed like dogs in heat

Renee,

<<I told my wh this is what happens when people breed like dogs in heat.>>

Well put. I'll have to remember that line. And good for you for maintaining your control in this situation.

Are you guys paying CS? If so, I'd say if it means that much to your husband, let him try to raise the money to hire a lawyer then fight for visitation. If he wants visitation, he will find a way to make it happen. If he doesn't, then let him worry about it. I admire you for wanting to be a facilitator. Frankly, I believe you are taking on more than any woman who has to endure this level of devastation should have to. You must be superwoman. You sound much more committed to handling the situation than he is.

[This message edited by disrespected666 at 3:50 PM, December 16th (Friday)]

Well the agreement was I would reach out to her because I was not willing to allow him to do it without me being right there.

I know deep down he hasn't gone against her wishes and fought with her about visitation because it was easier on me being NC. I never demanded NC but I know it was a huge factor.

I am and have been the main bread winner for a long time. He does not have the money to fight her. Honestly, neither do I. At this point if I did, I would pay for it just to force the stupid bitch to comply.

She makes me sick that she is so damn selfish that she doesn't want her daughter to have a father.

This is the piece of trash that he laid down with. Not a shock that she is not putting the child's needs before her own.

I know it burns her ass that I contacted her and basically told her she can go through me. All these years later and she still has the mentality of a 15 year old.

(((renee))) Document everything. Is there anyway your H can represnt himself and save on attorney's fees? I know it's not always ideal, but if it's for something like visitation (and there is an order for it), it shouldn't be too difficult to file and go pro se. My fwh has had to do that a couple times because frankly this 'ish costs us too much as is!

(((Tof))) One day I had to almost literally slap myself and said NO MORE. I canNOT allow this mess to take up anymore space in my head. What's done is done, she is in our lives for the next 16.5 years (because once the OC is 18 she can KICK ROCKS barefoot, she has no reason to EVER contact us again. We will deal with the OC on an adult level if we haven't talked to him by then). I have had to step away because it was starting to affect my career, my home life, my family, my COM and my health. This bitch got my husband's money but she wasn't going to get my mind. I picture her laughing at me, and that is actually motiviation for me to get her out of my head. And I wrote a letter that I never sent, basically reminding her how much of a total loser she was and how much of a prize I was. And that helpd me to detach. It's not easy, and there are days I have to remind myself to detach detach detach.

As far as the OC goes, my heart still breaks that that child is growing up with the mother he has and the sperm donor I'm married to. But I also had to realize that C or NC, this isn't my battle to fight. This is my fwh's mess, and he needs to clean it up. Whatever decision he makes, I need to be involved (which I am), we'll always make choices together, and I'm not going to push him 1 way or the other. The NC has hurt me because I feel bad for the OC, however it's what is safest for us AND the OC. The cOW already uses the OC for whatever she can, and with C we know she would make it so much worse for him. So I have to just say it's in a higher being's hands and move on with my life. I remind myself that I won't let my husband's idiotic, stupid, dumbass mistake define me or my life. That prior to this mess I had a great career, wonderful COM, and a pretty decent life. I want to keep that and then some, and move on.

I never let myself look at her FB page (I had my BFF do it), I don't know what the OC looks like (been told he looks nothing like my COM), I tell myself that the cOW is a non-motherf***in' factor. I have given her the role of "other biological parent". She's faceless (although I have seen a parital pix). Pretty much nameless (although I know her full name). The OC is not my child. He is my fwh's biological child, but he's not mine. not to say that if we ever had C I would treat him like crap; I would never do that to a child. But he's not my responsibility, not my flesh and blood, not my problem. I guess it may seem cold and calculatd, but I have to worry about saving me and my COM. My fwh is a grown man and can take care of himself.

Oh yea, a lot of IC and MC has gotten me to this point too, as well as everyone's awesome support and advice here! And chocolate. That really helps to detach from pretty much anything!

(((TOF))) you can always PM me if you want to. This sucks for us all so bad.

renee,

I dont know about the legal aspects of your area , but my WH does not have the $ to fight. There is a custocy/visitation order in place. When OW disallowed visitation according to the order he filed a motion to show cause. OW was reprimanded and told that if it happened again then criminal charges would be sought. WH was pro se. He only had to document the incident. I also agree that the C or NC and visistation is not your issue. let the WH and OW work it out and don't allow OW to own any space in your head. I am still working on this myself with the help of IC.

Good luck with everything.

Thanks to all for the replies. I appreciate the advice.

As far as visitation details, I won't allow him to even have a conversation with the OW without being present. At this point it is a condition of mine in order for us to remain married.

I am under the impression

We will remain at NC for now as the OW is not willing to accept the fact that I will be involved.

She hand picked me to be a stepmom to her child when she decided to get pregnant. I guess it sucks to be her.

I do feel like I can move forward with my life knowing I made an attempt.

Island thanks for your reply. I know I need to work on my obsessive checking and stalking. I know I would be much better if I stopped. It's just hard!

I feel sorry for the OC too. I think of the things he is missing out on not having a father and not knowing his siblings but that was his mothers choice she will have to answer to that when the time comes. Although I'm sure she will probably lie about the circumstances. In one of her emails to my H shesaid if he wasn't going to be in OC's life she would tell him that my H was lost in the war. Crazy! I know it is selfish but it makes it easier on me with NC.

Renee my H's OW did the same thing wanting him to visit OC without me. No way in Hell that was going to happen!!! NC makes things much easier and less stressful. I think my H would like to have C but all I can think is the less C with OW the better.

LOL the cOW in our sitch told my fwh he was more than welcome to come to her home and visit the OC anytime he wants to. Yea, over my dead body!

She also hates the fact that I'm involved, it's why she went to the lengths she did to bar me from the insurance that I provide for the OC! WTF?!? And I TOTALLY agree with this:

As far as visitation details, I won't allow him to even have a conversation with the OW without being present. At this point it is a condition of mine in order for us to remain married.

I am under the impression

We will remain at NC for now as the OW is not willing to accept the fact that I will be involved.

She hand picked me to be a stepmom to her child when she decided to get pregnant. I guess it sucks to be her.

I do feel like I can move forward with my life knowing I made an attempt.

She's stuck with me, as I am with her being the OC's mother and in our lives until he is 18. Just that she will never ever ever have ANYTHING to ever do with my COM, my household, my marriage, while I am the OC's "stepmother" (which she despises). She told him once when he had to "COME ALONE". WTFever, he said he will NEVER meet with her alone--she has this REALLY bad habit of lying about us being hostile to her when we don't even communicate with her! He doesn't DARE meet with her ever alone because he's afraid she will make something up and the courts will believe her, seeing as how much he has been screwed so far!

As far as the OC goes, he was doomed from the beginning, very sad to say. The cOW knew what she was doing, I know this was all a plan and it just happened to be my fwh (it would've just been some other dumbass had it not been him). So we keep everything, journal everything we both have been through so he can see what crazy we have had to deal with.

I am open to my fwh having C with the OC later on when we have to deal with OW at a bare minimum. I actually didn't have an issue with C now as long as I was present and it was at a public location. But he didn't want to pursue it, and doesn't want to later on. It makes me mad, makes me angry, makes me disappointed because he is such an amazing father to our COM. But this is such a sensitive issue, we are not dealing with a sane, stable, or cooperative person (OW). She has done nothing but make more headache, drama, wants more $, and does all she can to push my fwh away, yet try to get the max $ and benefits she feels she's entitled to.

(((ToF))) There are some days I find my mind wandering and start dwelling on how I want to tell her off. What's hard for me is that I never had the chance to tell her about herself because of all the legal mumbo jumbo out there, my fwh didn't want to make the situation worse for me, plus we are worried about my career being affected (I'm in education). And the cOW knows where I work--hell she called MY human resources to get info (the insurance)! And had the nerve to get all bitchy and act all kinds of entitled to know all MY info! To this day that stilll really pisses me off, because it made it so I had to fully explain the sitch. Luckily the lady who I deal with there is super nice and compassionate. But I feel like no one has told her about herself, she has lied to everyone telling them she had no clue my fwh was married (which is bull, I saw the texts plus she stumbled over her claim when she said that she thought we were getting divorced--liar liar!), said that my fwh was her boyfriend! Oh ya, what a boyfriend who doesn't get you anything, take you anywhere, and only uses you at 4am, yea that's true lurve.

ToF, it's hard to get them out of our heads. I give her as little of a title as possible when referring to her or the OC. To me, it's all business. The OC is the biological child or the minor child. The OW is MISS so and so. I have to detach on that level and remind myself that this is just another bill we have to pay monthly and move on. Yes, I know there is a life there that does deserve to know the other parent, but for the OC's best interest, for my family's and for our safety NC is what is best.

I will say I can't WAIT until these damn arrears are paid off! Should be paid off by next year. As long as it's done by the time they have to go back to court for the remod

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 7:58 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)]

OW want my H to come alone to her apartment to visit OC. I just can't imagine why she would think I would have been ok with that especially since OC was only about 4 months and probably would have slept the whole time. All I can say is never gonna happen!!!!!

Island I think that part of the problem of why i cant get her out of my head is that I can't tell her how I feel about her and what she did. I can tell my H when ever I want. For awhile it was about once a month I would go off on a tangent. I'm proud to say that I went around 2 months before I blew up. I just think that if I could just tell her what I thought of her and what she did I would feel much better. I know I would probably feel worse if I actually did it. I just can't imagine having a relationship with a married man no matter what he said about his W & marriage. I really can't imagine being in a sexual relationship and stop taking the pill and not telling the person I was with. It really just ticks me off that she thought that she was going to live in my house. Did she think I would just give up that easy? There is noway she would have been in my house as long as my name was still on it. Some how she thought that 3 weeks after d-day I would be out of my house. Apparently she was never in my house because it would take a lot longer than that for me to get all my stuff out. Once when we were talking about it I told my H that if I would have left I would have licked all the walls and peed in the corners of the rooms. He was confused about the licking and I told him it was so she would have been surrounded by my DNA at all times.

I really think if I could just tell her off then I could get her out of my head. Most of the space she takes up is filled with me telling her what I think of her. I don't even get any satisfaction from it because I always think about what she could say back to make me look stupid.

I HATE this!!!

Luckily we didn't have to pay arrears because my H paid for some of the daycare, diapers & formula before CS was set up. He had copies of all the checks so that was onlysmart thing he did.

We have arrears because the OW wanted my fwh to just acknowledge the OC was his, which he laughed and said no way how do I know who else you slept with. That apparently pissed her off so she went the court route, but it took months to get the date for the test. By the time paternity was discovered the OC was 5 months old and that's how we got in the arrears sitch, the OW saw the chance to get more $ and lied about the amt my fwh was in arrears for. His last lawyer truly screwed things up for us, so now my fwh is stuck paying an extra $900 in arrears. He was at $6K and its down to $4K. The state doesn't care how you are in arrears (in our case it was the court timing vs him flat out not paying), they trat you like shit either way.

I feel the same way, wanting to tell the OW off. Writing letters to never send is actually quite helpful! I did have the chance to be very curt to her with the insurance letters and that felt relieving. But I look forward to the next time my fwh goes to court; I couldn't go with him last year due to my youngest being born plus I had no sick/vacation time...but now I do :-) and I will be there. And I can be the most passive aggressive person, I have a sharp tongue but know how to be classy about it too.

But seriously don't let them take up the space in your head. Remind yourself how wonderful you are, and not a loser like they are. There are times I feel myself slipping, then I look @ my life, my COM, and say hell naw I'm not going to let that trick take up good space, rob me of time with my family, replace my happy memories.

(((Tof)))

Hello to everyone! Haven't posted in awhile - thought I'd update on my world. H has been talking to OC a little more this fall on the phone (she's 5). It was hard for me at first but was getting easier. In late Oct/early Nov, I just had this epiphany that he really needed to be in her life and make her a part of ours. I don't know exactly where it came from. haha! H seemed kind of excited at the thought - I have suspected for a long time that he would like C with OC, but needed/wanted my approval. I did place a few conditions on it - that he wouldn't be able to do drop offs/pick ups without me present at least for a long while and that he would have to tell those that needed to know before we ever introduced her to our kids, and that it needed to happen sooner than later (I don't want to lie to our COM & family about what we are doing when we go to visit her). If it was up to him, I don't know that he'd ever tell - he just wants to be the good guy to everyone, but people are going to get hurt no matter what he decides.

This is a scary situation just because we don't know what it will do to our marriage, how COM will react, how our families will react, etc. We did spent an hour or so with OC a week ago. It was rough at first, but she was brave enough to go with 2 people that she really didn't know other than knowing H's voice. It went fine after she got comfortable - she cried for a little bit. She actually preferred me over H. OW was fine too - didn't try any crap and was grateful that we spent some time with OC.

I don't trust OW at all, but I am seeing that there is a chance that we might be able to make this work. I just wanted to give some of you newer members a take on where I am almost 5 years out. It has been a very difficult road, but we have come so very far.

I miss all you here. I have been dealing with some really difficult stuff lately, most importantly giving up custody of the OC back to my H and the OW who have now decided that they would like to be a family. I wish I had some words of comfort for you all, I have always tried to be a pillar of strength for everyone here, but right now I feel defeated. When I have time I will go back and read your posts and try to give you the encouragement that you deserve. Right now all I can say is take it day by day.

I love you all.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:44 PM, December 19th (Monday)]

(((want2bok))) I hope whatever you want to work out, works out. You know you have our support 100%. One day at a time, don't try to predict too far into the future. You've got a good heart, and your boundaries sound very good and solid.

(((BMC))) I could just give you 1000 hugs. I can't even imagine how much this hurts for you, after all you have done and been through. Luckily the holidays are almost over. Enjoy your COM and your grandbabies, focus on your family who needs you this holiday season.

I had a good cry on the way home today, I was feeling a little extra weepy about everything. We have MC next week and I have IC the day after that, so that will be good.

I hope everyone has a good, safe, and peaceful Holiday.

Hi everybody, and happy holidays! I haven't posted since last year in the middle of a hilarious false R. FWXH and I are now divorced.

But, now we've started talking again. We've been communicating REALLY well for the first time in a long time. Not formally R, but possibly headed there. We're going to start MC after the new year.

As for OW, there are serious holes in her stories, and there hasn't been a paternity test, so that whole thing is still out there. She is trying to hit him up for CS, which I find hilarious considering he is an unemployed full time student. I just want to tell her, excuse me....you have sex with a married man, get pregnant, and expect to get paid for it?? She's delusional.

XH is NC with her, but I feel that if there is ANY chance for R, that situation needs resolution. She needs to know that we are repairing our family, and that any issues with OC, from now on, should be handled through attorneys.

For those of you who have gone through it, what are the first steps you recommend? A paternity test obviously has to happen. But if it's his, what are his rights and responsibilities?

He really wants nothing to do with the baby, which I find tragic. But I will support his choice. Even still, that will be a check to right every month. I won't pay her a red cent. Since XH and I aren't married, how would/could this possibly affect me? If we were to get remarried (har har), what then?

I wouldn't be opposed to him having visitation with the baby, but not HER. Not sure how that could work out. Ugh. What a mess. I agree with the "this is what happens when people breed like dogs in heat" sentiment.

[This message edited by webmistress at 11:03 PM, December 20th (Tuesday)]

Thanks IW. I honestly don't know what I want. :) Just peace and happiness.

BMC - thinking of you! I can't imagine how difficult this will be for you. Enjoy the peace with your kids and grandkids!

webmistress - Yes definitely paternity first. Your lawyer will have more specifics but in my state when the mother and father were never married, the mother has sole legal and physical custody and the father pays CS. The father has to file to get visitation/custody sorted out. Financially, this shouldn't affect you unless you get married and he doesn't pay the court order CS. There have been cases where the bank account was garnished. Maybe keeping separate checking accounts would help? As far as visitation, my H knows that I am not comfortable with him having C with OW without my presence. She only has my cell number and I will be present for any and all drop offs/pick ups. We have also discussed possibly doing drop offs at MILs in the future since she lives about 1/2 between OW and us. The only part that doesn't thrill me about that is that would give OW access to MIL, and therefore more possible info on my life.

Christmas joy was maliciously stolen from me last year in a single email. So this year, I plan on screening calls, avoiding emails, and generally pretending that the world is right for a few days even if it takes a few glasses of wine to do it.

I hope Santa brings us all some nice things for a change. We certainly deserve it and so much more.

I wish you all Happy Holidays with your family and loved ones (with no unpleasant surprises). We may have lost a lot but we must re-learn to focus on what we still have and let the rest go even if it's just for the holidays.