I can say that my fwh bears a huge amount of guilt and responsibility. Due to the NC its why he didn't make a huge fight over the CS (although the cOW wanted 3X the amount). At least the child has some financial contribution, although the cOW refuses to work and is still "poor" despite the amt of CS she gets.
Its not an easy decision. I have posted before that the state we live in is incredibly pro-custodial parent/mother. You can look it up anywhere, its one of the worst states to be a non-custodial parent. Cases with an out of wedlock child automatically give her sole custoday (physical and legal), although my fwh had expressed he at least wanted joint legal. Apparently he expressed too late! Without legal protection C is not going to happen right now. She gets a free lawyer. A retainer for a custody battle starts @ $5000. We have already spent $10;000, wiping out his and my savings. Our lawyer told us look @ spending $10,000 just for joint legal, with no guarantees. Financially we just cannot afford that now. sure one can say he should get a 2nd job, pull out all the stops, fight, etc, but this costs $, time, etc. And no guarantee that we won't be back where we started. We have 2 very young children and they have put thru the ringer with us (although they don't know the sitch, they just know mommy and daddy are very sad.).
The cOW in our sitch has also already lied that we have been hostile and threatening to her and the OC, and we are NC! She has said this 3X now. She has said this twice in court and we even got a letter from her lawyer! We cannot risk our careers on false allegations. A family member a few years ago went thru something similar; not an OC sitch, but they had custody of their child. The ex convinced the child to lie about abuse (physical and sexual). We know this family member too well, and know that it was totally false. It went to court, he lost custody, was found not guilty, but it took years to fix his reputation, his court costs went to almost $100,000, he lost his current wife and family, and he now has a very strained relationship with the adult child, who basically admitted she was coerced into telling a lie. I saw what happened to his family, his life. My fwh too because its his family member. And I know for fact that its that ish the cOW in our sitch is capable of. It only takes 1 time...
She has already paraded this poor OC around the courts, lying, trying to get more $, etc. There's no official BPD diagnosis, but she's pretty classic.
So we made the decision together for NC. Doesn't mean its forever; perhaps when the OC is older and can speak for himself and we have total minimal contact with OW, a relationship can form. I tell my story with the hope that if someone else reads this, they can get info they may need. Do I worry about my fwh leaving me if I had certain diagnoses? Well he cheated on me while I was severely depressed. He has since sought counseling and is working thru his demons. The only condition I made for R was IC and MC. I initially was for C vs. NC. Once we saw her true colors, however, I agreed with him on NC. Does the OC deserve more? Many children deserve more in this world. I cannot make my fwh change his mind on what he feels is best for us, especially when considering the circumstances I agree with him. I accept the OC as his biological child as does he.
My father was also not in my life mostly due to untreated PTSD (vietnam war). When he was, it was a huge battle between him and my mom with my sister and I in the middle. I am actually thankful looking back that he wasn't in my life. That was sheer chaos and now as an adult, we have a wonderful relationship. Sometimes NC really does mean no new hurt for all involved. I had a great stepfather who took care of us (until recently).
At best we would only ever get joint, or visitation. If the cOW was at least semi-reasonable, we would have at least some visitation, we talked about that while she was pg.
I am still mad at my fwh. I know how awesome of a father he is to our COM and it does hurt and pain me that the OC is missing out. At best that child would only get 50% of his time vs 100% like my COM. My hope is that the cOW meets someone and that man loves the OC and he at least has a chance, seems like the best sitch for all involved.
I wish us all well in our jouneys, and peace with our decisions. All of sitatuions are so different and I hope that we all make the decisions that are good for our families (C, NC, etc.)
Forgot (((everyone)))! I want everyone to know they will always find support here no matter what their situations are. D, R, S, not sure what to do...all are very hard decisions to make because they all impact us and our families in various ways.
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 9:34 AM, January 8th (Sunday)]