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Want2~ Glad to hear things are moving along with the adoption. It sucks to hear that OW is still being so petty....I hope that you don't have to deal with that crap anymore. I don't know if this applies in your state, but a friend recently told me that if you go to the local state representative's office, birth certificates can be gotten for around $10 a copy.

Sad to say I don't have any good news on my end. I filed the harassment charges back in the very beginning of June, and was told to check back in a month. So at the beginning of July, they told me they had mailed her the regular letter with no response, and that the next step was to mail her a certified letter, which they were doing that week. They said she would have 15 days to respond to that, and if she did not then a warrant would be put out. Obviously, it has been more than 15 days since the first week of July. So I called the office on Monday, and now they tell me that they were mailing the certified letter THAT day. When I said that I was previously told that the letter was to be mailed in the first week of July, the person I spoke with said that they are "short-handed" and that I "need to be patient". It's very disheartening to know that OW can harass me at her whim like she did and the authorities won't take action to stop it or discourage it. So, I won't be checking in with the office again until at least mid to late August....more than two months after the fact!

The hearing yesterday also went badly, and H and I have to think about the next step. The judge did not look at anything~ not H's paystubs that show the overtime stopped by March, not the conference papers that say the income they are assigning to me is why they are determining H's net income to be over $3500 a month.....it was mostly just the judge saying to H and OW "What do you have to say? and then "What do you have to say to that?"....repeat 2 or 3 more times and then he dismissed everything. The judge and some DRS worker tried to argue that they are "not" including an income to me, but if anyone would have LOOKED at the conference papers, it is right there. No one is considering that his net income is not $3500 a month, it is less than $2300. The worst part was when the judge asked what OW had to say about it, and that *insert choice expletive here* argued that over $500 per month to her is "MORE than fair" because "she's the one who provides for OC"....even throwing in that she pays for his extracurricular activities that OC occasionally misses due to conflicts with custody!

What REALLY made me want to smack her is that she said to the judge that it didn't matter what my H said about overtime being cut, because the conference officer back in MAY said that H did have overtime WHEN they looked at the preceding 6 months of his pay. Key thing there~ almost 3 MONTHS AGO, there was overtime available in the 6 MONTHS BEFORE the conference! I am SICKENED that neither the court or OW would look at the CURRENT pay and SEE that there is NO MORE OVERTIME!!!! The only reason OW want to argue that support should stay at over $500 a month had nothing to do with OC's actual needs or H's ACTUAL income.....she just wants as much as she can get!!! She stood in that court darkly tanned from the vacation she took with boyfriend, wears all kinds of new fancy clothes while the few new things she gets OC are all cheap......then she goes straight to her house and pins about this lavish 3rd wedding she wants to have with her boyfriend (I know I shouldn't be looking....bad habit). That's why she wants support to stay just how it is....to fund her "dream wedding".

Lots more I could say about how the hearing went, but this is enough for now. I guess the next step is taking it to civil or Superior court? We don't know how to go about it. I think it says on the DRS site that there is a process if one feels they did not get a fair hearing with the judge~ has anyone here had experience with that? Can H start that process now even though the decision from the hearing hasn't come back? We are worried that if we don't take action now, they will just deny the appeal and say that nothing was contested within the time frame.

Sparkle-

The only reason OW want to argue that support should stay at over $500 a month had nothing to do with OC's actual needs or H's ACTUAL income.....she just wants as much as she can get!!!

She wants as much as she can get to hurt your H and his family however she can.

Have you looked into getting a lawyer? Or at least had a consultation? You can often get a consultation for $35-$50.

I wish I had better advice. Here the child support is done through a child support office, judges are never seen in person (only on the phone) and they seem much more willing to recalculate things.

On my end, we haven't heard form the attorney, still waiting for OW to fill out her paperwork and return it, then we will be paying for the adoption papers to be filed.

In addition to OW losing her job, I recently found out that the tiny apartment they are living in they are sharing with her parents (who are total white trash, and facilitated OW's affair with my FWH). Evidently, they lost the house OW grew up in to foreclosure (I had to do a short sale on my home after the affair, and oh how OW relished in that! Telling everyone she could how I had lost my house!). So they 6 of them are in a 2 or 3 bedroom, upstairs apartment.

She posted this on someone's Facebook wall, along with the info that they are all "saving up $" to move to the Midwest and build a house together.

I honestly could not think of a better ending to this saga if I tried. OC being adopted and OW and her clan of hillbillies moving to the Midwest. Dream come true.

I just wanted to update that it DOES get better.

Sparkle, I know this is so hard right now, and how frustrating and depressing it is, but I promise, this too shall pass.

Want2 ~ Thank you...that's what I keep telling myself, that I just need to bide the time day by day and that's all I can do. We did have a lawyer for the initial conference, which is a big part of why we are so surprised that the determination came back as it did. In order to represent H for last week's hearing, she wanted $500. And that's including a slight discount that my H receives as part of his employment benefits. There's just no way we can afford that right now without getting further behind with our bills. Legal aid here doesn't usually handle domestic cases, except to give general guidelines how to file for support/custody. I don't know what to do.

Sickening that OW's parents facilitated the infidelity. I don't understand how a parent would condone the behaviors of lying and cheating etc. Same with the OW in our situation~ her mother has jumped in at times with her two cents against us and her stepfather lied for her and played games when it came to custody (she and OC lived with him for awhile). And OW says her mom is her hero because, " even when I make mistakes, she knows that I have to make them and helps me through." IMHO~ that's not 'heroic', that's enabling.

Hi all…

New member (of a club no one wants to be a part of) here!

So… here’s my story –

My WH cheated on me 8 years ago. This resulted in the OW having a child. He never knew about the child – she told her H that it was his baby; I don’t know why her H wanted a DNA test 6 years after the child’s birth but he did and they divorced. Fast forward to this year – she finds my H and tells him she has his son. He sees the OC on a few occasions (I still don’t know at this point) and sleeps with the OW a couple of times (by both of their admission) – he says “our marriage was rocky” which it was, but, I didn’t cheat on him! ANYWAY He does a motherless paternity test and it comes back saying he’s the dad. He tells her he wants NC with her. She ramps up her contact with everyone who will listen, including me. I’ve only known for a month. But I’m struggling with the pain, and I know it’s not this child’s fault – but our 2 of our 3 children are devastated (the 3rd is too young to understand). His OC falls between our 2nd and 3rd child. I don’t know how to get over the anger and pain. I know the OC deserves a father, but, I don’t think I can handle having a little reminder running around my house.

The OW's Ex-H was ordered to pay child support (for the son thats not his and their other 4 children) - but he's fighting because the kids not his...so...guess who just received papers in the mail requesting support. My WH. Her Ex H hasn't paid a dime in support since the ordered was issued and since this kids not his I guess she wants support from the bio-dad. What a mess.

Please help me – how did you handle this??

strongerdaybyday, I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.

Are you saying that your husband did a paternity test himself?

Also, for child support, it depends on the state. In our state, if the mother is married, the husband is the presumed father. If he proves otherwise, the actual biological father must come forward himself, of the husband (the presumed father) is still responsible.

What did the paperwork your husband was sent say?

Hi Want2help - At my insistence (i felt he should know one way or the other) he went to her house (i was there) with DNA test in hand and swabbed the child. i then swabbed him and sent everything to the lab. i'm in Canada -- so I'm not sure how the laws work. her paperwork admits she deceived her ex-h and had him sign the birth certificate. they were married shortly after the child was born and had 4 more children. when they divorced the judge ordered he pay support for all the kids (even the one that's not his) because he "acted like a parent". But he hasn't paid a dime and is fighting the judgement (it's still in court) so while it's in court she's trying to get support from my WH.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 12:21 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Right now, my WH doesn't want a relationship with his OC and he doesn't expect me to have one either. He says he'd much rather have me and his children. But...I think that's selfish too. So I'm confused. He's telling me he'll have NC with OW and OC (and he hasn't contacted them since she showed up at my door 2 months ago - he's cancelled all social media accounts, changed his number and his email and has given me passwords to everything). As much as I could say, good, now lets work on us, I can't say that. It's his selfish stupid actions that created this OC...he has responsibilities now, and I can't be the reason he turns his back on this little boy. I'm so confused! Any advice out there? Thanks

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Right now, my WH doesn't want a relationship with his OC and he doesn't expect me to have one either. He says he'd much rather have me and his children. But...I think that's selfish too.

It is selfish. But there are even more selfish avenues. Suppose your husband felt he knew that he could never care for the child or have a father/son relationship, but he decided to force OC on his family anyway,in an attempt to look like the "good guy"?

I know it seems horrible that a father could walk away from a child. But when I think about if I cheated on my FWH, and found myself pregnant, would I want to keep the child? No. Add on top of that that he didn't even know this child was his for years? I can definitely see his reasoning for wanting NC.

My husband is NC with his OC. At first it was very hard (for me). I am a stepmom and know that I am perfectly capable of loving children whom I am not the biological mother of. I have no doubt that I could have grown to love OC.

Also, our only COM was born 12 months after OC (before we knew paternity), so to see him so excited for our own daughter, and want nothing to do with his daughter was hard for me to take.

In the end, with us now in the process of having OC adopted by her stepfather, there is no question in my mind that NC was the best choice for both families. OC has known this man as her father since she was 1 year old. Our M was able to heal without the constant presence of OW. My daughter never had to suffer from any of OW's antics (she harassed me for 2+ years until we moved and she met someone else).

As far as your marriage, it is called a "roller coaster" for a reason, sadly. There were many times, for many years, when dealing with OC drama where I would look at my FWH and be sick, and wonder what in the hell I was doing with someone capable of creating a child with the beast that is OW.

We are now 6 years out, and those times are few and VERY far between, even when I am dealing with OW (myself) over the adoption.

I am sorry that you are part of this club, but please know that people are here for you. It is usually not this slow, I think we are all busy with kids on summer break/going back to school.

Post as much as you want, feel free to pm me, as well. I am overwhelmingly busy this week, but I will definitely make time to check back.

-Want2Help

I almost forgot to update on MY situation:

Last time I talked to the lawyer OW was "putting in a plea of poverty" that she could pay for none of the adoption fees, not even the $10 (a piece) for her and her H's criminal background checks. Our attorney had suggested that fee was the very least that they could pay for, considering that we were paying the filing fees, attorney costs, etc.

Well, I just got off the phone with attorney, and she said that OW unexpectedly sent in a check for both the criminal background check and the new birth certificate.

She said that OW's level of cooperation was very unexpected. She is strictly a stepparent adoption attorney and says that she works with "these type of situations" (OC situations) more often than you would think.

So, finally we have come to a time where the need of OW to deeply ensnare her new H (she was HIS OW, now his wifestress) has eclipsed her need to ensnare/torture my family.

I am so glad that this is going smoothly. It will still take a lot of time, but at least I can FINALLY see the light at the end of this tunnel, and that line is not 18-21 years away.

I'm glad to hear the adoption is going smoothly

Thanks for your post - I never thought of, if the situation were reversed would I want to have a child with someone else? No. I thought I was so selfish with even thinking about NC with OW/OC. The father that raised him from birth also has NC with the kid for his own reasons; so as a mom I feel for the kid (I'm also a stepmom and fully capable of loving a child thats not mine - but his eldest child was born 3 years before we met, so it was nothing like this. but I want what's best for MY kids. And you know what wasn't best? Was her coming to my house to announce to me and my kids that she had his son. AND that she felt it was in her right to introduce them because "he has the right to know his sibs"

Was her coming to my house to announce to me and my kids that she had his son. AND that she felt it was in her right to introduce them because "he has the right to know his sibs"

Oh, I know the feeling. OW actually left comments very similar to that on the online baby book (that the local hospital puts out). Well, she works at the hospital, so that stunt almost got her fired.

I fell the same way. I put MY child before OC, plain and simple. Does that sound selfish? I couldn't care less. My child is my priority, just as OC is OW's priority. I will not sacrifice one iota of my COM's security/happiness/you name it, for OW/OC.

I waited almost 10 years to have a child with my FWH because his exwife was such a nutty bitch (hang up calls all night, showing up at our house, just generally confrontational and wacko) and I never wanted to expose my own child to such craziness. I waited until my stepkids were 18 and over, so that there would be no reason for interaction between my family and the exwife. I'll be damned if I'm going to go through that with floozy OW.

But honestly, (and this opinion is kind of unpopular but once again I don't really care), women give up unplanned/unwanted children every day. The "terminate" unplanned/unwanted pregnancies every day. And most everyone stands up for their rights to do one or the other. But should a man not want a child? The he is a "dead beat". Or he should have "worn a condom". He is told to "man up" and "take care of his responsibilities". Where is this attitude towards the woman who housed the child in her body? It is a huge double standard.

Maybe NC is a selfish thing to do for a father. But he is not ending the child's life. He is exercising the same right to choice the woman did when she decided whether or not to continue the pregnancy/keep the child.

But honestly, (and this opinion is kind of unpopular but once again I don't really care), women give up unplanned/unwanted children every day. The "terminate" unplanned/unwanted pregnancies every day. And most everyone stands up for their rights to do one or the other. But should a man not want a child? The he is a "dead beat". Or he should have "worn a condom". He is told to "man up" and "take care of his responsibilities". Where is this attitude towards the woman who housed the child in her body? It is a huge double standard.

Agree 100%

It was a mutual decision to be parents when I got pregnant. It wasn't "SURPRISE, BE A DAD!"

AND you're right - just like OW is only concerned about herself and her son, I'm going to worry about myself and my children. Thanks Want2help - it's nice to know there are people out there who truly understand. I felt so alone.

The official papers from the hearing came back...the judge allowed a SLIGHT deviation~ support to OW is now $402 basic, $40 for arrears. The problem is that the papers are still listing gross and net incomes that H does NOT make~ saying the gross is $3200+ and the net is $2800+. The paystubs show that the gross is actually $2400 and the net (before support and without medical insurance) would be around $2000. Another big contention point, they lowered H's obligation to our children from around $1300 per month to less than $1000. So they reduce OC's support by only $100 per month but 6 kids at $300 less?

I just don't get it. How is this at all equal to the kids? Our household expenses far exceed $1000 per month, and OW does not need an extra $400 from H to pay her bills in this situation. I don't know how I'm going to manage back-to-school shopping on this budget.

Want2~ SO glad to hear that things are moving along and OW cooperated with the fees.

stronger~ welcome to the site *hugs* I know what you mean about the moral struggles of feeling like you or H are being selfish....this was the personal decision I came to~ my family is my priority and OW was/is selfish in the way she went about things (she also named another man besides my H as the father originally....OC was more than 2 years old when paternity was established). OW has made clear that she doesn't care about hurting and taking from our children. I won't stoop to her level, but I will protect and work on taking care of our family and she can take care of her household. I'm not sure about the laws where you are but many times the courts will deem that since the OC grew up with OW's H then that man is considered the legal father. Please take note~ let your H know not to give anything to the OW currently....in the rare case that he would be ordered to pay support it would be considered a gift and could also be seen as assuming financial responsibility. Wait to see what the court decides.

Stronger, my dad had a son 2 years before he married my mom by his girlfriend. My father loved my brother but was not permitted to have a relationship with him after his mom remarried and she wanted her new husband to adopt. My father was devastated but he relinquished his rights. That was many years ago. My brother grew up with a hole in his heart. He was a tortured because in his mind his dad didn't want him.

The child has nothing do with his birth circumstances.

I understand your plight, because my OW decided as a last ditched effort to try and get pregnant. That's what brought him out of the fog. I had warned my wh and OW said something that caused my warning to sink in. GOD does answer prayers.

The OC is a painful reminder, and OW will try and interfere, but GOD will honor your decision to help this kid.

Ifinallyfoundme - thanks for your input but this situation is different. My WH didn't know of this child at birth - and has had NC until 3 or 4 months ago (the OC is now 7 years old and was raised by his stepfather from birth) The stepfather thought he was the bio-dad and decided to do a DNA test when OC was 5(or 6 not sure) and test came back not his so they separated and then when her and her Ex-H divorce was final and she decided to inform my H of this little boy. Also, I told my H that our relationship should not be the reason he decides whether or not to build a relationship with this child. I also told my children that they can choose to be involved in OC's life - but their dad has to facilitate it. I told them all that it wasn't his fault he was born in this circumstance, and, that I won't think they love me less if they choose to have a relationship. Not once did I say, "I will be hurt" or "It's them or me". My H is not devastated with having NC with OW/OC simply because he doesn't know them (I know...he slept with her and didn't know her that well..shows a lot about his character I guess!) I told my H if he wants a relationship NC is still in place with the OW and all contact has to be through me or an email address him and I share, no phone calls between the two, no visits if I'm not around. He's decided that he doesn't want a relationship with OC...right or wrong, that's up to him...where our marriage stands has no basis on his relationship with the OC (or lack thereof) he still has child born 6 years into our relationship with another woman. and whether there's NC or contact I will always remember.

Sorry if this sounds like venting or attacking - it's not and I honestly appreciate all the advice. And yes - I do feel selfish that I'm kind of relieved I don't have to deal with OC visits, I also feel for the OC because I had a great dad and this one has two potential dads that want nothing to do with him.

(((Sparkle))) thanks for the tips and advice. how do you handle the relationship with the OC - i see you have an "interesting" OW but what about the OC? Sorry - maybe I misread - you and your H have NC with OC as well? And my H's OW also doesn't care about hurting anyone else either. Sometimes I think her actions have less to do with her son and more to do with herself.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:46 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

stronger~ my H filed for custody in late 2005. At first it was ordered to be two overnights per week. That didn't happen. After a few modification and contempt hearings throughout the years, the visitation is now every 1st and 3rd weekend and 2 non-consecutive weeks in the summer (plus rotating holidays). H also has shared legal custody, but again....that doesn't happen. OW is bent on making things as difficult and one-sided as possible. Times like this, it feels like an everyday battle. Back in June I filed harassment charges against OW because she went off on me at the CSO AND on our front porch (when she came to pick up OC), and kept texting me even after I requested her to stop. Sometimes I re-question whether we should have gone NC. Each situation is different...I just want to figure out what works best for my family. Continued strength and support to you *hugs*

Thats what I want - to know what's in the best interest of my family, more importantly, my children. Is it beneficial for them to know and build a relationship with their half-brother. Maybe. Maybe not. My kids are broken up about this (understandably) especially with the OW coming to our house, and, relentlessly calling my H's parents to tell them she's not getting anywhere with us, she has her son call them (which they do not entertain, they say to the OC "Sweetie, can I talk to your mommy for minute?" and then tell the OW not to call and not to make the OC call. I think thats where my heart goes out to the OC - he's a kid and doesn't get why nobody wants him. Although it doesn't help that she puts him up to calling people in my H's family (she says she doesn't but I find it hard to believe a child is going to randomly call people they don't know just to talk) At one point she said to my H (when he went to her house to swab OC) your kids and wife will get over it. Your kids will be playing with him in a couple of years while we all sit and have a coffee. Yeah sure. Like I'm going to sit with her and shoot the shit over coffee. Come on. Delusional idiot. I know, I know my husbands actions were of his own choice and she didn't force him to have sex with her BUT I have so much more anger towards her.

((Sparkle)) I hope you're situation works out for whats best for your family

**hugs** and best wishes to all in a similar situation - I keep hearing it gets better...I can't wait for that day!

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 11:01 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Stronger, no offence taken. Your OW sounds horrible, and your family is reaping the results of a very selfish act. Hopefully you guys can find peace.

thanks

(((ifnallyfoundme)))

when i start talking about it i get upset and i think the person i'm talking (or in this case writing) too thinks i'm attacking them. so i'm glad i didn't offend you. i'm so thankful there are so many supportive people on this site

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

stronger~ OW calling your H's parents sounds like behavior that also borders on harassment. It is sad that she is putting OC in that awkward position, too. If I can make a suggestion~ you mentioned OW coming to your house. I would seriously consider putting the kibosh on that, and if you and H do want to arrange meetings with her, do so at a neutral, public place (like a park). I say this because we had a handful of meetings with the OW which ended up with her saying things in front of our children that I still haven't gotten over. It allowed her to disrespect us in our own home, and I regret giving her the opportunity to do that.

I wish there was a clear sign to tell us all what's best in these situations, but it's like another part of deciding to reconcile and how to.