SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

I have not been on in a while as we moved and life just got really busy.

Merida,

I told my 10dd but not my 4 dd. It was really had because I wanted to be honest with her, but what I told her broke her little heart. It has been a while but she is doing fine now. I just keep an eye out for odd behavior from her or when she gets too quiet. On the upside she knows she can ask me anything and I will tell her the truth. I will wait a few years to tell my 4 yo.

So here is my update.

Wh and ow we're communicating until I went bat shit on his ass and told him I would rather live in a women's shelter with our two kids than deal with this bull anymore. I flat out could not and would not take any more. I need NC And I do not care how he ow or anyone else feels. They can all suck it.

I also found to ow mother is not speaking to her over this mess.

We also got our order for support. It is 0. I was surprised by this this. I guess the last time he went to court they modified the documentation I filled out and basically said I did not include things like medicine, entertainment for com etc. To say I was shocked is a understatement.

I guess after she got it she wanted help picking out a Christian school for OC to attend and said she would take whatever our budget allowed. Well it allows 0. My WH listened and gave her a bunch of info on schools. I told him they were both idiots, her for not being able to pick out a school and basically admitting she was lieing about OC being in school in the first place and him for buying into her I am helpless bullshit. I told him she was just manipulating him to having a relationship with her.... Meaning OW. A few days later she asked for the exact same information. All info was sent via text. He told me I was right......no shit Sherlock!

Storm,

I am glad you posted that. My biggest fear is for my children and how they are going to take this . They don't even understand that babies come from sex.

I am hoping once I can get my H to take the DNA test, we can do NC until my kids are older, but I know that is not what OW wants. She expressed how disappointed she is that first baby daddy doesn't spend enough time with his daughter. Ow believes I am ok with us all being one happy bunch of folks caring for the kids. I don't see how that is going to happen. I was in shock when I first spoke to her, so I was probably too nice. My husband doesn't spend enough time with our kids as it is.

I am only a week into seriously believing this is likely my reality and the DNA test has yet to be done. I have never cared less about about a child which makes me sad as that isn't who I am at all. My kids have been through so much moving 1500 miles from their home, and they blame my husband for that. My kids talk about marriage likes it's a fairy tale.

Forthem,

I understand how you feel. At one point I thought we can all do this. But one day I woke up and just thought I did not make this mess and I am not cleaning it up.

I think I just turned into a crazy mother bear and realized ow and WH had threatened and hurt not only me but my children. Did ow care about my children while planning to have a child with my h? Why Am supposed to care so much about hers. Why is everyone expecting that of me? I am not a angel or a saint. Do what is best for you! Also until you have the DNA results there is still hope!

Storm,

That is exactly how I feel. If I don't stand up for my children who will. I was raised in a house of half-siblings (who were born after my parents married their parents). It is still hard for me sometimes, and I never got along with my step-parents until I was an adult (my parents remarried when I was about 9).

My husband is still putting off the test and with me out of town, he just avoids the topic. Our kids are a handful, so we generally just text so he just changes the subject when I bring it up or just doesn't reply. Its just hard for me to muster up the courage to be the hard ass as I don't want to be the one that impedes our progress.

Have a wonderful weekend wonderful people. In such a short time you have all become blessings.

It's our 17th anniversary today. I am just going to do stuff with our daughter. I really don't feel like celebrating anything with H. Still no paternity test, so I am just angry. I don't understand why he won't do this especially if there is a chance he could not be the father. at this point I am going to be upset either because it is just dragging. We barely said five words last night when I got in from traveling all day.

Ok, finally we talked. I feel sooo much better. The test was done last week. He said he texted me, but I didn't see it. Just gotta get through next week.

The test was done last week.

Forthem - I hope it's revealed that OC is not your H's. Infidelity sucks - adding an OC to the mix makes life even more difficult.

My H is trying hard to keep our family together. He doesn't understand why it seems as if my healing isn't happening and that I seem as angry today as I was on Dday. I asked him, "if I had an affair that created an OC would you be okay with it?" he said, "yes I would be angry but I would still want to work it out." I call bullshit. It's easy to say he would be okay with it because all 3 of my kids belong to him.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:03 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

Stronger - Right! I told my H that he would never forgive me if I had pulled this and of course he says sure he would. It is complete bullshit especially with another child in the picture. My H is trying hard, too, but I know he just wishes I would get over it, which I kinda was until the possibility of a child came up. How is it possible?

This is my last entry on this thread as the paternity test came back NEGATIVE! I have never been so relieved! The OC told me three times there was no doubt and I have been preparing myself for the worst, I do not understand why if there was any hope for me and my h she did that. I have had soooo many rotten people tell me there was no doubt, but now I got proof baby! I feel like I just survived something terrible, but it doesn't change the fact it happened and that will be topics for counseling. My heart will forever go out to those who must continue to struggle with this added burden. Thank you for letting me get it all down.

((((Forthem)))) Soooooooo elated for you!!!!!

The pain will not be gone, and no doubt there will be all manner of emotions to deal with, but what a relief!.

Forthem!!! This is the best news ever, I am so happy for you! Ecstatic, really! This is the best news one could hope for!

Well, my FIL flew in yesterday (family emergency in our state, we live in the same city as the airport).

We were up late, having a couple of drinks last night, when XW and OW (separate people, now friends) were brought up in the conversation.

FIL says "Boy, that (OW)... she's something else, huh?" in a "she's a bitch" kind of way, not positive (my FIL is an eternal optimist, and never speaks ill of anyone).

FIL looked at me and I said "I'm a little biased, so I won't comment." and smiled sweetly and took a sip of my cocktail.

FWH said something to the effect of "She's a fucking bitch, period."

FIL says "She's... INTENSE, man. Like, when I talk to her, she just looks and acts like she's going to lay into me about something at any moment. And like, she's always trying to steer the conversation in one direction and I don't want to go there, and she just doesn't care. she just doesn't catch the drift, man. She's intense." All with a really disapproving look on his face, which has convinced fWH that the "direction" in which FIL doesn't ant the conversation to go would be OW running her mouth about us (which she's very well known for, it's the way I found out about the affair, her running her mouth about me when I didn't even know she existed).

I played stupid and told FIL we weren't even aware he had met OW (I only knew of once), and he says "Yeah, two or three times... every time I go to see (adult stepD's from FWH's previous M), she just happens to 'show up' like it's some coincidence. I guess she wants me to see (OC) or something, but man, she just starts talking, trying to drive the conversation in one way, and she doesn't stop."

By this time FWH is fuming, face red. hands clenched in fists. I told fWH "I don't know if you know, but (OW)'s husband is adopting OC. We've paid the attorney, the paperwork is filed, we are just waiting for the court date."

"Oh, I had no idea (OW) was even married. I thought she was still single. I guess I get the story from (SIL), and I think she leaves out probably 90% of the story." (Accurate, because SIL is busy vilifying FWH and I).

I was pissed! OW has been married since 2010 or 2011! She had another OC (by some young kid who had a baby on the way with his fiance) and he ended up MARRYING OW shortly after! But she's evidently acting like the poor victim, left all alone by fWH. He didn't even know she's since had another kid! We're both so pissed.

I said yes, she is married, papers have all been signed. FIL says "You guys had to sign something for him to adopt her?!"

"Yes, so (FWH) can release parental rights and not longer be legally responsible, and not have to pay child support for (OC) any longer."

FIL looked shocked and said "Wow, I had no idea. Like I said, I only get a fraction of the story.

I told him we will be including a request from our attorney to OW that she cease all contact with our families (outside of adult stepDs, SIL and MIL, who are all heavily involved in OC's life and we do not speak to any of them). I let him know that OW has even gone as far as contacting my family, with the goal of letting all of them know that she had birthed my husband's child.

FIL actually said "Oh, I have no reason to be included in that. If she tried something like that on me, I'd let her know where she could go."

I guess I was really hoping he'd say "Yeah, that'd be great, I'd love to be able to see stepD's without that bitch in my face." but he did not.

I got up and left the room, but could hear voiced echoing as FWH kind of laid it on the line, and told FIL that OW has done nothing in the past 7 years but "try to cause problems for us, try to hurt Want2help, harass Want2help nonstop when Want2help has done NOTHING to deserve this kind of behavior from anyone, especially OW." I was very rpoud that he stood up for me like that, and now I know that he was really listening when I told him off when we were on vacation (after discovering pictures of OC on my FIL's refrigerator, and knowing that they had all heard Ow's "Want2help is evil and wicked and doesn't let FWH see OC" bullshit lie, and had n idea what I had been put through at the hands of OW, XW, SIL, and stepDs).

Oh, and did I mention that all of this happened on our 5 year wedding anniversary last night? My husband was so apologetic that I had to hear anything about OW on OUR day, but I assured him that standing up to his dad and standing UP for me was worth it.

All I have to say is (warning, uncouth language in this vent):

Fuck OW!! Who in the hell does she think she is?! Going to our families, DESPERATELY inserting herself in our family, then trying to dominate conversation and talk shit about us! (That was another thing FIL said, she was domineering).

The upside is, I could tell by the disgusted look on his face when speaking about OW that he's definitely not sitting around thinking "Gosh, what is (FWH) doing with Want2help when he could be with (OW)?" hahaha. Now I know why Ow has aged 15 years in the past 7 years since Dday. She's not even 30 and she looks HORRIBLE. The misery exudes from every pore on her face, even the pictures where she is flashing her big, fake, yellow-toothed grin.

If I could impart one grain of wisdom to those new to this situation, it would be to express your wishes to your inlaws/relatives BEFORE you're in this position.

Forthem~ what great news!

Want2~ glad to hear that your FWH stuck up for you and that FIL is showing signs of being somewhat aware of OW's true character....even though it sounds like he avoids conflict at any cost.

That is one of the major things that I'm wishing for after this discussion and with the court date~ that my FWH will STAND UP to OW and not give in because of civility or conflict avoidance issues or whatever it is that causes him to end up doing a 180 in her presence.

But leave it to OW to end up getting her way and throwing yet another monkey wrench in our lives and plans.....the court date was supposed to be this morning. We knew she had put in for the continuance, but we never got a notice in the mail and as of yesterday afternoon our attorney said he hadn't heard of the date being moved. And OC said that they were leaving for vacation on Monday morning to drive down South, so we thought OW wouldn't show up to the hearing....which would have been ideal.

But, no.....our lawyer called back at 5 last night to say that he got notice that the date IS moved~ to May 6th. The continuance he requested was set for a week after the original date....now when she requests a continuance, it gets delayed 2 weeks?? I have no idea what we're going to do right now, because May 6th really doesn't work for either us OR our attorney. That is the day of our son's music show at school~ they do two performances...one at 10 and at 2. Well this "new" court date is scheduled not for 8:30 like the previous two hearings, but 11:30 I would hate to have FWH go to the hearing without me, but I also don't want to miss our son's show I'm thinking about having my mom attend the show and record it, but I would have to show her how to work the camera...she is not good with technology at all.

But the other pressing concern is that our attorney said that he has a conflict on that date at that time. I don't see us getting another continuance.....what are we going to do if our attorney can't be there to represent us and we've already paid him several hundreds of dollars?

Sparkle- he does avoid conflict at any cost, a personality trait that I just cannot understand AT ALL.

I'm not someone who looks for conflict or confrontations, but when it's there, I definitely don't avoid it (unless, as is the case with OW, I am taking the high road).

Sparkle,

I just cannot believe the shit hand the you guys are being dealt by the courts. Seriously?! Rescheduling because of OW's vacation?! How about NO.

I think the fact that you, your H, and your attorney all have scheduling conflicts should trump stupid OW's vacation! I hope that you can get this straightened out.

I will be hoping she dies in a fire during her vacation, and you never have to worry about another court date.

As for me, I have had no urge to contact OW in the past 7 years (with the exception of contacting her regarding the adoption, since she was telling everyone her H had already adopted OC, which was a total lie), but this has really got me going. At the same time, I feel like it shouldn't be bothering me, and I'm unsure as to what it does, other than I feel FIL should tell OW "Look, (OW), that's my son and DIL you're talking about!" I mean seriously, I would never allow someone, regardless of the circumstance, to sit there and badmouth my child.

Whatever. I am now reminded of why my FIL isn't my favorite person in the world.

At least FIL sympathizes with FWH for not seeing OC, as FIL ran off across the country to live to avoid conflict with his own XW, leaving FWH and SIL to be raised by MIL and have terrible upbringings.

So has anyone here done the absolute divorce filing on adultery grounds before the OW's CS order?

Spoke with an attorney today to get information as I am scared that the county system is just going to look at OW income and my WH income and screw the fact we have 3 kids.

Judge will have to write an opinion to deviate from the formula/guidelines and told "judges in PG don't like to work... what do you think they are gonna do regarding 'best interest of the child'?"

Of course, OW is protesting doing DNA now and filing for a trial (oh the drama) so I'm looking into him renting a basement apartment so he has a new address and filing for absolute before the new hearing date of June 3.

I just want to make sure that our kids are protected and the OW isn't getting any more than he's already sending and we go NC and move on = it'll be enough of a slog to consider genuine forgiveness and true R as it is and I get overwhelmed trying to think "how am I going to tell our kids?" if the test is positive...

anyhow = I'd appreciate if anyone has any strategy advice to share as I am looking at a $4000 retainer and we've already shelled out $4000 to get us nowhere with WH's attorney.

Only good thing is that WH is fine to craft a private agreement for alimony and support so only suck-y thing will be him moving out and the impact on the kids and of course that OW I'm sure will contact and offer her house for him to stay

ugh I hate my life right now = hard to stay calm

[This message edited by Merida at 5:40 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

Merida, I'm so sorry you are facing this.

Is your ultimate goal divorce, or reconciliation?

We did not go the divorce route. In my state, child support is handled by it's own agency, no appearing before a judge is necessary, we do over-the-phone interviews. Our DD was born AFTER OC (and after OW filed for CS), and FWH had a child from his previous M. When COM was born, FWH had CS remodified to include her, and OW's amount was reduced significantly.

I hope someone comes by with more advice on the divorce aspect.

(((hugs)))

I don't want to divorce my husband but in all honesty I am not married at this point

thou shall not commit adultery... my trauma-bond husband doesn't go to a therapist or talk to me or suggest we go to MC in order to deal with mid-life crisis BS = major court mess with first wife-ex, new job, new baby, turning 40 yadda yadda

he writes a CL ad saying he's a submissive looking for domination = along comes the spider who is all too happy to extort her "happy ever after" out of his messed-up head.

So my marriage is dead.

I am just trying to figure out what is truly the path to grace = all options considered = because it ain't just about me at this point, I get that.

While I am hopeful for R, I've been there / done that all about OW drama for 20 years now. I had step-daughter-1 living with us 2 years ago before she rebounded back to college (after getting pregnant by bad-boyfriend mess), and we now have step-daughter-2 living with us. So I am back to drivers ed teacher for a 20 year old.

I have my sister in my basement going thru a nasty divorce with WH who has his shack-up as the new "nanny" at the house. So I don't want to just enrich the legal system, no.

And in MD that's pretty much all that happens - you know "in the best interests" of the child, of course.

Only thing I know on the calendar this point is we confirm DNA in June and we have retrouvaille in 2 weeks

so I am taking it one step at a time

[This message edited by Merida at 6:45 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

Merida, I'm so sorry!

We had stepdaughters living with us during the affair, also! The oldest ha dust turned 18, newly married, her and her husband living in our upstairs. She bended up cheating on her H and leaving him (leaving at our house!) while FWH was having an affair (unbeknownst to me).

I was waiting until all of my stepDs were 18 before FWH and I had children, so that they wouldn't have to share their dad on the weekends they had with him, so that my child wouldn't be exposed to their evil monster of a mother (who spent all of her time obsessing over our life and trying to screw with us), and so we'd have more income.

We were almost there when OW announced her pregnancy.

Well, stepdaughter got pregnant the same time OW did. Stepdaughter was the OW, so stepdaughter and OW became BFFs.

All 3 stepDs are now well into their 20s, and no longer a part of our lives (Ow made sure to that). OW has lived with them on and off. FWH spent years trying to maintain his relationship with them, and it became another casualty of his affair.

Is anyone else dreading Mother's Day? This will be my first knowing there's another woman out there who is the mother if my husband's child. I feel so robbed. My husband's children are supposed to be my children. So, I'm ok but I'm just really sad. I don't really know how to explain to my H why I feel so sad. He doesn't think of her as the mother of his child. Thinking about it just makes me hate her.

OW still is maintaining NC, and hasn't responded to our request for paternity test. My H is quite convinced it isn't his baby. The FB pictures are pretty clear to me, although he doesn't want to look at them. Seems she wants to raise the baby alone - at least for now. It feels like it's always going to be hanging over my head. I suppose I should be grateful she isn't making my life a living hell. How am I ever going to get 'closure'?

Any advice on how to not fall apart on Mother's Day?

Plainpain I'm going to tell you what my friend told me:

Mother's day has absolutely nothing to do with OW/OC it has to do with the fact that you are an amazingly awesome mom that deserves to be honoured. With or without your H you deserve a standing ovation for the mom you are to those kids. Mother's day is about YOU don't let anyone else's bullshit/crap drag you down. You've EARNED this day.

(Now I just have to stop the mind movies and I'll be able to take this advice myself! )

I do The Work by Byron Katie I like to live in the present on days like the upcoming weekend

so many things to be thankful for I am gonna work on not thinking too much - just enjoying the moments