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I really don't think the guilt lies with us. This is the reality these OW chose for their child. You fuck a married man you get what you get. Many kids grow up with only one parent. OW hates that I am in OC ' S life. I told her well you must have thought I was pretty fucking special because you chose me to be momma when you slept with my WH.

I also hope your OW never comes back.

As far as stepchildren, mine didn't originally come as a packaged deal, I have a different scenario. My FWH had almost no visitation with his children when I met him, he only got to see them on their birthdays, at the mall for 30 minutes, IF he had money to give them. Those were the only conditions his spiteful XW would allow. She was remarrying (FWH's former boss) and wanted him to be the father of stepDs. She even required them to call him "dad", (despite the fact that he was 24 and they were teenagers).

When we moved in together, she thought it would "scare me away" to have the girls every other weekend. That turned into EVERY weekend. When I didn't disappear, she decided to start withholding visitation. My father gave us the money to take her to court and rip her a new one, and form that point on I became public enemy number 1 to her.

So, although the stepDs predated me, FWH and I were already engaged before they became an actual presence in my life.

OW would yell in front of OC "NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM! NOT YOUR KIDS AND NOT YOUR PARENTS!!!!"

This is HORRIBLE. XW has pulled similar stunts, and I wouldn't think OW would be above such a thing either.

She even told the judge at the last hearing "I can't stop OC from taking his father to court in the future".

Ugh, what a disgusting human being. I am sure that type of thinking will be ingrained upon OC.

It was on my stepDs. In my state, a child attending college can collect child support (until the age of 21), but they must sue their parents for it themselves. All of my stepDs have done this, and each one flunked out of college (community college) their FIRST TERM.

Youngest stepD even contacted us 3 years ago, saying she wanted to come up ad visit us and meet DD (for the first time). We bought her a ticket here, made arrangements, made awesome plans, and she got here and immediately served child support papers on FWH. Talk about making for an awkward visit. She neded up getting CS all that summer, fall, and into the next year, but FWH never got confirmation that she was enrolled in college. He called CS, who called the school, just to find out she had quit attending her classes and flunked out after the first month. So glad she went through all of that trouble to sue FWH for support, and got it for an extra 6 months.

The adoption is supposed to be final some time this summer. This summer youngest stepDs also turns 21 (meaning she can never again sue FWH for CS).

OW graduates from her diploma mill college with her certificate this fall, and is talking about moving across the country once she's done (her parents are planning to move to North Dakota and strike it rich in the oil fields, and OW and her family live with OW's parents, and plan to go with them).

If all this goes down, 2014 will be one happy year for us.

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:25 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

If all this goes down, 2014 will be one happy year for us

I'll be very happy for you (you've GOT to keep us updated!)

Where I live a child cannot sue a parent for CS. CS is given to the recipient (usually mom) until the child is 1. 18 years old or 2. No longer attending school full-time up to the age of 21.

So..I'm not sure why she thinks OC could take H to court for anything. The sheer stupidity of this person boggles my mind

trying to smile:

I really don't think the guilt lies with us. This is the reality these OW chose for their child. You fuck a married man you get what you get. Many kids grow up with only one parent. OW hates that I am in OC ' S life. I told her well you must have thought I was pretty fucking special because you chose me to be momma when you slept with my WH.

And THIS is why I love SI-ers. The only one's who get me and this particular situation are here! When we were considering contact she tried to say "Stronger cannot come, only you Mr. Stronger". And H would say, "getting to know me is getting to know my WIFE" so she got her son to call and throw a fit "I DON'T WANT TO MEET HER! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! I ONLY WANT YOU!" All the while he would pause (during a tantrum??) then we'd hear his mom whisper something and he'd yell something like "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY DAD!" ugh. What kind of mom does that

And, you're right. THEY CHOSE THIS LIFE. Thanks. I chose to create my children with a man I was 100% committed too. We discussed it. I didn't show up on his facebook page with expectations.

The answer to what kind of mom does that is simple. An angry, unhappy, bitter one. The child she had to keep a man is now a burden and a pawn in this game they play. Our OW is just plain angry. She wants us separated so bad. There are days I want to throw in the towel and am tired of dealing with her but I'm still here fighting for what is mine.

I wish everyone peace and happiness in this shitty journey we are on . I don't post often anymore. I pop in now and again.

Lots of love and hugs

I really don't think the guilt lies with us. This is the reality these OW chose for their child. You fuck a married man you get what you get. Many kids grow up with only one parent. OW hates that I am in OC ' S life. I told her well you must have thought I was pretty fucking special because you chose me to be momma when you slept with my WH.

Seriously!

And asking us to consider the needs of the child OW created while intentionally trying to destroy our families? Some people can do that... but really, they do it because they want to and they are able to. You cannot ASK that of people. It's like asking everyone to adopt children; some people don't want to adopt. It's not a character flaw, it is knowing what you are capable of emotionally.

I cannot help but be reminded of the double standard that exists between men and women in parenting roles. women who give up their children are brave and doing what is in the best interest of the child (because she knows she is not capable of caring for them), while a man who wants to do the same is a "deadbeat".

Yesterday I realized that Wednesday was the 7 year antiversary of Dday. The day I got a call telling me FWH was shacking up with some whore in a camper in a friend's driveway (he was supposed to be out of town helping said friend rebuild an engine). I drove all the way out there and caught them (and he STILL tried to lie ).

I believe this is the first year that I didn't spend days dreading June 11th. It came and went without even remembering until I saw someone in general post that it was THEIR 7 year antiversary, too.

I believe this is the first year that I didn't spend days dreading June 11th

Yay! It'll be nice when July 7th is "just another day". Right now? I'm dreading it!

I drove all the way out there and caught them (and he STILL tried to lie)

REALLY?

Haven't heard from Sparkle in awhile - If you're reading the board I hope everything is ok.

Just found out my husband had an affair and the baby was born last month. The woman is his secretary (how cliche) at work. I am beyond devastated and walking around in a daze. Saturday was DDay. We have two beautiful children and I am at a loss of where to go from here. My emotions are a mess. He said he has seen the baby once. She is dangling that child like a carrot. At this point, We are going to try and save the marriage. I am going to start IC and MC this week. He says he wants to save his family. Nice of him to think of his family now.

The woman is married and the fathers name is on the birth certificate. Apparently, he wants to raise the child but she has said she will leave him.

what to do, what to do? Help, I feel like I am drowning.

Bat, you don't know for sure who the father of he child is. Until you do,,through DNA testing, don't let WH make any stupid decisions. OW may not know who the father is, either. BS of OW may not want to know.

Maybe testing has already been done, I don't know. If so, forget what I said above.

You should talk to a family law lawyer to get advice on what W HS obligations may be if there is testing and he's proven to be the father. Knowledge = power = better decision making.

Thank you for your response. I do plan to meet with a lawyer but need a little time to absorb everything. My heart feels so shattered I can barey get out of bed.

What gives me strength is looking at my children and realizing how much they need me to be strong. I can not have their lives ripped apart because of his selfishness.

Would you believe she is coming back to work for him? He is looking for another job.

She thought I would immediately kick him out and file for divorce. Then she could leave her husband and they could be one happy family. Wrong bitch!

I can barely stand the pain right now. What can I do to make it hurt less. I feel like I am on some kind of horrible candid camera show.

Bat - DNA testing is absolutely the first thing before any decisions are made. Some on this board have a relationship with the child others, like my H, went NC with both the child and mother. No decision is right or wrong, do what's best for you.

Also, your dday was such a short time ago. You will be a mess of emotions for awhile. Do not make any hasty decisions yet. AND if you haven't told anyone yet, be careful who you tell. It may bite you in the ass later. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Nice of him to think of his family now.

My H is desperate to save his family now. He says, "think of the children". Uuuuummmmmm....were you thinking of them when you were cheating? I asked him "you knew I may not forgive you and leave you if I ever found out..why weren't you concerned with your children then?"

She thought I would immediately kick him out and file for divorce. Then she could leave her husband and they could be one happy family.

H's OW also thought I would kick him out immediately. LOL. Dumb bitch. I had over ten years invested in this man. I was going to see if it could work out before walking away. In the end...I just can't get over it. Good luck ((HUGS))

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:47 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Bat - so sorry you are dealing with a potential OC.

Don't make any rash decisions other than getting DNA done IF the OW is gonna go after your WH for CS. Otherwise, many states presume that the marriage of the OW and H takes care of the kid so sorry he's a cuckold but that's the legal break = good your WH ain't on the certificate.

Honestly for that child's sake it if it's better to be raised as the child of that marriage who cares about genetics unless your WH has something funky heritable concern that they should know about (huntington's history for ex)

well it's official for my mess = DNA confirms paternity.

I really have no desire to honor the WH in my house as anything other than a dog that needs to be snipped like yesterday (obviously he's foot-dragging on that request as well...)

I never thought I would regret having my children, but honestly I feel so angry at myself that I was so stupid that I trusted my body to my WH to want to give him the opportunity to be a real father after the mess of his two older girls... ugh I was so arrogant to think I was helping by showing him how wonderful he was in building our life together.

I really need to find me a good scriptwriter - truth is so much stranger than fiction

Merida, I also had a child at my husband's request after 3 stepDs from his previous M (now all adults). They are seriously disturbed, hateful human beings (just like their mother). Almost no one can tolerate them, other than each other.

While I do not regret having our DD, I feel like Reconciling with my FWH is holding me back from some pretty awesome things in life.

I will be leaving the country next year for an internship in my dream location. In the off chance that I was able to get a position there, FWH couldn't even come with me because he now owes so much back support to OW he will be paying it forever before he can get a passport.

I finally got my attorney to answer her cell phone, and it was obvious she had just rolled out of bed or was perhaps on something, she sounded "high" at 2 in the afternoon. She didn't even remember anything about our case.

She got up and went to the next room to get our file, and realized she had forgotten to send the paperwork she needed to send to FWH 6 weeks ago. We've been waiting 6 weeks for NOTHING!

Ahhh, CS for OC hit FWH at his new job today...

He's a full time student, and is in Chemistry, Physics, and Math 5 days a week (I'm also a full time college student). A couple of nights after school, and all day on Saturday and Sunday, he is working to get 20+ hours a week in to help us make ends meet...

After child support for OC, what is his pay for being away from his family every waking hour? $179 for two weeks. Just enough to pay our phone bill.

He'll be calling the CS office tomorrow, to see what he can do about having it reduced, since they took WELL over the 50% maximum that state quotes.

God, I hate this.

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:13 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

After child support for OC, what is his pay for being away from his family every waking hour? $179 for two weeks. Just enough to pay our phone bill.

This is what makes me sick

CS should not be a "guideline" amount. The fact that people have to LIVE should be factored in as well. When they factored my H's support they didn't even look at her income - only tried to figure out what the guideline amount of support should be. Even though monthly she "earns" more then him - about $1500 more (he is on disability due to a medical concern). I put earns in quotes because her income sources consist of:

Welfare, CS and other government benefits. I'm NOT saying CS should not be paid but I do think that it needs to be fair. My uncle lost his job (this was a few years ago) and was on welfare. During this he was ordered to pay $250/month (from his assistance cheque) for his children while his ex was earning $75,000/year. CS should factor in LIFE as well. I wish there were a better way to handle CS.

Well, not only the income of both parties, but I really wish there was some way to take into account the fact that OW and her H live with OW's parents, in their apartment, for free. They are "saving up money" to move across country to the oil fields where they intend to strike it rich and build their "dream house". (OW is the queen of "get rich quick" plans and pyramid schemes).

We live (on our own) in a house, in a much more expensive part of the state, and we've both returned to college for advanced degrees (Ow has taken suit, but she goes to a diploma mill and only for a certificate, she'll be "graduated" in a couple of months).

However, if they were to take into account our living expenses, they'd probably take into account the fact that we have almost no debt and OW is up to her eyeballs in it.

This is making it very hard to even look at FWH. His youngest child from his previous M just turned 21. We should NOT be going through this CS crap any longer. He just couldn't wrap it up while cheating.

We were discussing OW's income prospects the other day, and he says "I don't know how she thinks she's going to accomplish that, you don't get money just for being stupid."

To which I replied "But you get LOTS of money for being a whore! She's been taking money out of MY family's mouth since 2008!" (the year OC was born).

Waiting on the consent paperwork from the attorney today. Once that is signed and filed, we have to wait for a judge to sign, then the completion paperwork, then FWH can start working on paying off the back CS he owes OW (instead of back AND current).

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:06 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

"But you get LOTS of money for being a whore!"

HA! I said the same thing to my H!

Right, stronger?! My only consolation is that when we were S (during the affair), and he was living with OW, he gave me well over $1,000 a month to pay my bills he left me with (our new car, the mortgage on my house, our dogs) and we didn't even have any COM.

The good news is we got the final document needed for the adoption Thursday! FWH was up at 8am to get it signed and notarized, and it is now in the mail, on its way to the attorney, who will then file it with the courts. Once a judge reviews all of the paperwork (*fingers crossed* our attorney didn't mess anything up), then the adoption will be FINAL!!

Hello all.....finally catching up on things here. I've been feeling disgusted, confused, angry and defeated since this latest court date, and trying not to let it get the best of me. As I think I mentioned before, the irony is that now that FWH has decided to go fully NC, now he is ordered to have contact.

Want2~ so glad to hear the adoption is that much closer to happening, and it sickens me to read about the recent CS issue. They should not take that much! That's exactly how I felt last summer, when they were sending OW $500 plus a month for OC, which meant our kids were getting less than $100 each. Even now, the amount for OC is still completely disproportionate to COM's needs and expenses. It's a gross injustice. I'm reminded of something OW said to me years ago, when I was separated from FWH and about to file~ she said that the reason OC's support is higher is because SHE filed first and "his case is older". What about the fact that half of our children are OLDER than OC and that I could have filed first?! Every time she blows that money on herself (and she has been, we see it all the time) she should be thanking me that I DIDN'T divorce him and file for support, or she'd be getting MUCH less money from us.

And I completely agree, stronger, about CS being factored in as income. When they assigned an income to me, they listed it as $1100 a month....that's what they figured I'd net if I were working 40 hours at a minimum wage job. When OW was collecting 3 separate support amounts, each one was around $300 per month. That's $900 per month JUST in child support= $200 less than they wanted to hold me to for a full-time job. Yet the CS office ONLY uses her working income when determining how much support she gets.....what a sick joke.

Sending good thoughts for all of us.