SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sparkle:

I totally understand. I am glad that, in our state, CS decisions are made in an office, behind closed doors. If there is a hearing, it is over the phone. The idea of going to court to get screwed makes it even more worse.

I think for me (and maybe for you, too), the worst thing about the CS is that most hours of the day, I can forget OW exists. I can forget that my FWH had an A, and knocked up some sow-faced whore. But when financial issues arise (like the fact that I have to pull my daughter out of preschool now because FWH can no longer afford to pay for it), or I look at our bank account and no that FWH will essentially be contributing NOTHING to it (despite his being away from his family most of our waking hours), it's unforgettable. Money is part of our everyday lives, like it or not, and because of that I am reminded of OW now, constantly.

I am tremendously glad the adoption is going through right now. FWH will soon done with his degree (which is a vocational degree, he'll be done in a year or so), and has already been informally offered a job by one of his professors making significantly more than he ever has. This would result in OW getting a sudden monthly windfall. Not only do I never want to see that happen, but I know she wouldn't allow an adoption then. Who'd want to sell their cash cow?

The thing that really busts my buttons is that, when calculating the monthly amount it would take to support OC (using the incomes of FWH and OW added together, then some magic math equation using overnights and non-joint children as variables), the figured it cost $_____ per month to support OC.

Okay, I can get behind that. It does cost about that much to raise a kid. I don't agree with how much of that amount FWH is responsible for, but whatever, it is what it is.

However, inevitably, when FWH is making more money, they would recalculate that amount (we've been through this many, many times with XW), using his new income, and would decide it takes +$______ to support OC.

Uhm, no, that is not how it works. It still costs the same fucking amount to raise the child. OW should NOT be entitled to more just because my FWH decided to further his education. At this point, it becomes more like SPOUSAL support. It does not cost more to raise one kid, just because one parent suddenly makes more.

When this was the case of the XW, it really didn't bother me. But when it comes to OW and OC, it's really sickening.

So FWH called the CS office last week, and they are supposed to contact him within 48 hours... nothing, both times. As I mentioned before, I now have to go withdraw my COM from preschool, because we can no longer afford to pay for it, so I'm pretty miffed, but I just keep looking for the silver lining (which is the adoption).

I hope for all of us whose FWS chose NC, that OW will meet someone and talk them into adopting OC.

Oh, and I just have to add, OW will be done with her 11 month program soon (at the end of summer), and she should be making $5-7 more an hour, but she'll OWE over $30,000 in student loans (that's for tuition only, and I'm sure she took some loans out for living expenses, too).

Has anyone ever heard of student debt being factored in? I'd hate for FWH to have to pay more because OW's dumb ass is being crushed under massive student debt (for comparison, I don't even have that much debt, and I am a senior at a public university).

Want2~ you described my current feelings almost exactly. I've been hopelessly wishing that things could just go back to how they were in 2009-2011....those were good years. OC wasn't getting more support than our COM, custody issues were at a minimum and I was able to move on and truly enjoy life again. Now since OW struck again starting last year, things remind me too much of 2001-2007, and I never wanted to go through that kind of hell again.

Now, like you said, I have to know that OW has screwed up our summer vacation plans for these past 2 years, while she takes at least two week long vacations (which she is enjoying as I type). And she mouthed off at me for going on one cruise 3 years ago. We can't afford to do necessary repairs on our one vehicle, while she and boyfriend have at least 4 vehicles between them. I'm trying to budget back-to-school shopping, while she shows up to each court date with a new outfit and Coach purse each time.

And you're absolutely right about how they are so gung-ho to make FWH pay more...and OW used that to her advantage. When support had stayed at the same amount since 2007, she was making more than FWH. Then she took a lower paying job and went from full-time to part-time hours...although I'd bet that she is purposely lying about how much she makes from her job. FWH steadily began making more to better take care of our household....and then BAM! OW asked for maximum support, and instead of seeing that FWH needs to make more than her because our family is larger, they were all too eager to award her more support.

Unfortunately, I don't see her boyfriend actually marrying her or wanting to adopt OC anytime soon. I think he knows that if he marries her, the CS office would start looking at his income/income potential. He probably likes things just as they are now~ her helping to pay his living expenses, and playing Daddy to her 3 kids while not having any financial or legal obligations to any of them. But here's hoping!

P.S. $30,000 for OW's degree is ridiculous! As far as I know, they shouldn't factor it in, and especially not if they don't factor in FWH's schooling.

Has anyone ever wrote a letter to the judge on behalf of your fws?

I was thinking about doing this. OW claims AGAIN she is filing for CS. Shes said this a few times but I think this time she might actually do it becuase she has asked FWS to help her fill out the paperwork lol. I guess she just wants him to sign his when paternity has NOT been established. I dont know WHY she thinks he would do that without first establishing paternity but this isnt the first time she doesnt make sense to me.

I know she is going to make him look like the biggest piece of shit she possibly can but I would like to (no matter what the judge feels about him) write a letter on behalf of him and OUR CHILDREN who were HERE FIRST. I dont feel no matter what shitty circumstances fws and OW may have created that OUR children should have to suffer. I know im not going to like the outcome of all of this but can it hurt to try?

I originally didnt want to have "baby momma" drama but it seems thats how ow is going to be. I swear i would just like to beat her ass. Im so tired of her talking shit to fws when she is NO BETTER. I know shes just mad but im sick of it. Im sick of the verbal abuse my fws just sucks up because he doesnt want to feed into her shit. He makes sense but still. Im having momma bear syndrome right now...

Hi Dtermined,

From my experience children of marriage do not matter. Judges go by the book and determine support based on income not circumstance. And COM do not matter.

Want2 - I've been reading the board and waiting for you to say the adoptions finalized (I'm practicing my happy dance for you!)

$30,000 in student loans

Sounds like my H's OW. Who kept saying she studied his illness in school. I kept thinking "bitch please, you're not in med school you went to one of those career colleges for med. office. admin. hardly a doctor." dummy.

Sparkle

OW asked for maximum support, and instead of seeing that FWH needs to make more than her because our family is larger, they were all too eager to award her more support.

I don't understand how a judge can see that a person has a family and still award a ridiculous amount of support. I mean really? And if H gets a job that help with the bills she can take him back to court to get a cut of that too? There's something wrong with that!

DTERMINED~ I didn't write a letter (I've gotten told, very rudely, that I am a third party in the case and therefore do not matter to them), but my husband did. This was several years ago, before 2007 I believe, so even though all they told him was that it "was on file", maybe it did make something of a difference.....at least at the time. In my experience, the best thing your husband can do is to ask for a deviation from the guideline amount, because of the COM. It took several petitions to get things closer to fair. But absolutely insist on paternity being established first.

I know what you mean about the verbal abuse from OW, and I agree. It sucks dealing with it, and it's not right.

Sounds like my H's OW. Who kept saying she studied his illness in school. I kept thinking "bitch please, you're not in med school you went to one of those career colleges for med. office. admin. hardly a doctor." dummy.

Yep, she's attending a "college" here that is advertised late at night (think commercial breaks during Jerry Springer episodes), requires NO entrance exam, no prerequisites, nothing. I know someone who attended the school for Medical Assistant training and quit, saying it was an absolute joke, that the only way to "fail" your classes and not graduate is to never show up, and even then you'd probably pass.

In fact, the woman I spoke to when filling out my own financial aid forms said that these school are in danger of losing their rights to financial aid, because they lie to applicants about the amount of money they'll be making upon graduation, and their likelihood for job placement.

However, OW would have never cut it in real nursing school. She's practically illiterate (I mean, seriously, it's bad, I don't know how she graduated high school, but her graduating class was like, 50 people).

It still reminds me of the message she sent me, the first week I was home with COM from the hospital, asking me if I was up at night worrying that FWH still wanted her "sexy, intelligent, overachieving ass" (this is when she had just graduated form her 2 week CNA program, and she apparently thought she was on top of the world). It was particularly hilarious, because she misspelled both "intelligent" and "overachiever"!!

Has anyone ever wrote a letter to the judge on behalf of your fws?

I considered writing one on behalf of COM and myself, but OC actually predated COM, so I didn't think it would do any good.

What DID serve us well was how much of an ass OW was during the child support hearing (over the phone), going on and on about how FWS had never met OC, didn't want to see OC, etc. She kept speaking out of turn, and the judge kept having to remind her that custody and CS are decided by two different court systems, and that this case had NOTHING to do with visitation. Then she started telling FWS "If you'd just LET my husband adopt OC, you wouldn't have to pay ANY child support!" This pissed FWS off to no end, as OW had never, ever mentioned adoption to either of us (much to the contrary, she originally told FWS he'd "never get out of being OC's daddy and her baby daddy".), yet here she was acting like FWS was preventing an adoption from occurring. In the end, she did not get her increase, or the amount she wanted for monthly childcare (that she was claiming she paid to her boyfriend! ), and the amount was significantly reduced.

Want2: Jeez you are so lucky!! I wish ow would do adoption. She once asked if fws would be okay with it but it was just her way of trying to play with him. Again, he didnt feed into it and wouldnt care if she did. It was somewhat funny though because she had just got this new boyfriend she had been seeing for about a month and really must have been feeling herself. He left her a month later.

Either way though, all I really want out of all of this is respect and my new normal. I could easily accept this child into our lives. I know its nothing shes done. Shes not the reminder of the A, he is. Sometimes though, I do think itd be nice to act as if it never happened. Its frustrating, being in limbo sucks. FWS doesnt know what he wants to do. Most the time he says he wants nothing to do with OC but sometimes when we talk I can see the hurt in his eyes. I dont want to tell him either way so im just trying to sit back and be supportive. At some point somebody has to make a move. He had visited OC about 5-6 times back in jan-feb but stopped when OW starting back in her feelings. He was open about it, and said it wasnt fair to me. Plus no matter the time he spent with OC, OW still wouldnt let him take her because "oc doesnt know you" It was bullshit, by the 3-4 visit OC was climbing in his lap. He says he wants to wait until OC is around 3-4 and she can verbally ask for him and have "a voice" in the matter. Hes also struggling without paternity. When he ask for a test she gets mad. I cant lie though, OC looks EXACTLY like him, even more then our children. That gets to me sometimes.

Im so glad you guys are here!! This is definitely the most helpful part of SI for me. The infidelity is over but trying to R with the added weight is nearly impossible to get people to understand. Did I ever think id be here? Hell no!

Oh, and OW pays 35 a month for rent, literally. Meanwhile we pay 700 and support 3 children (born before OC) with 1 on the way, have a truck payment, full coverage insurance, daycare for 1 soon to be 2, gas, electric, blah blah blah. Her dad bought her a car and pays her insurance. Her mom watches OC so she doesnt have daycare. Its ridiculous. It kills me that the woman so to speak gets a "choice" but the man does not. I never looked at it like that until this situation. The woman can abort with the father never knowing but the father doesnt have the option to "abort". He is stuck with whatever she decides no matter her motives OR parenting skills. Here I go on one of these tangents......

I'm sensing a trend here~ when I said that OW switched careers and took a lower paying job with less hours, that is when she became a CNA. And since then, she's taken several opportunities to go on about how she is superior because she's "in nursing".

Here's something else that's really been bothering me about the CS being based around a pre-determined formula: as I've said, I know that each of her ex-husbands was paying about $300 per month. Her first ex-husband had no other kids at the time, her second husband had one child from a previous relationship. OW would bitch about how the support from my husband was less than the support for her other two kids, but we figured that made sense because we had more children to care for than those two guys.

But then when OW got support increased to more than $500 a month, that meant that my husband was paying more to her than either of the two guys she was actually married to! And even now, FWH pays more than $300 per month. Her two ex-husbands probably don't care to increase their income (from what I've gathered, her second husband has pretty much abandoned both kids), but because my husband wanted to provide more and make up for what support was costing us, it ended up only giving her even MORE money. So I agree, it does become similar to spousal support...and that shouldn't be.

OW did try to play the adoption card several years ago, when she was with her second husband. One of the reasons that FWH didn't agree to, at the time, was because he had been separating from her for months or years at a time since the beginning of their relationship. He wasn't with her when she had their kid. Even though OW blew up at us in the same manner about OC being adopted, her 2nd husband was out the door again just a few months later. Then she also got mad when FWH expressed concern over her moving OC in with her new boyfriend!

DTERMINED2SURVIV-

We were very lucky. We have been through the CS court system many times with XW (for my step kids), and she ALWAYS got what she asked for, even when she didn't both to show up to court or answer her phone for the meeting. I think OW's attitude and her lack of evidence (they asked her to show receipts or even just a letter form her boyfriend saying she was paying him for childcare and she didn't submit either), she didn't get what she wanted.

OC looks EXACTLY like him, even more then our children. That gets to me sometimes.

This gets me, too. I think OC more closely resembles FWS than COM, who looks like her grandfather (FIL) and great grandmother (redheads) and me, and I was a gangly, geeky kid. All feckless and long legs, and very tomboy. I try not to let it get to me. I am not the prettiest in my family, but I am the most accomplished and most successful.

I'm sensing a trend here~ when I said that OW switched careers and took a lower paying job with less hours, that is when she became a CNA. And since then, she's taken several opportunities to go on about how she is superior because she's "in nursing".

Oh yes, you'd think nursing came with a crown with the way OW is!

Upon "graduation", she will have a $30,000 certificate that will allow her to sit for the NCLEX, and should she actually pass, she'll be an LPN. She won't even have an associate's degree. My friend who has a master's in nursing says LPNs are known as "Low Pain Nurses" or "Let's Pretend Nurse" (no offense to LPNs).

I'm not one to stereotype, but I think the woman who will not only have affairs, but conceive a child (and keep it) while in an affair seem to have a lot of similar attributes… I've been on this board for 6 years now, and I cannot count the number of times someone has said "Oh, it sounds like you're describing MY FWS's OW!"… so many similarities.

I forgot to mention, OW and her new H have aspirations of following OW's little brother to the Midwest, and making it rich in the oil industry (in a particular town that is having a big oil boom, as well as skyrocketing crime related to alcohol, drug use, and violence, WOOHOO!). They want to buy a plot of worthless, treeless land and build their "dream home" there, while OW gets rich quick from the energy/diet drink pyramid scam she's trying to peddle.

Dear Lord, if all of this could actually happen once the adoption goes through, I would be the happiest woman on the planet! I cannot think of a better place on this earth for OW than a wasteland full of violent, drunk rednecks.

OW did try to play the adoption card several years ago, when she was with her second husband. One of the reasons that FWH didn't agree to, at the time, was because he had been separating from her for months or years at a time since the beginning of their relationship.

You and your husband a good people. I really don't know much about OW's relationship with her new H, other than he was engaged when they met and she got pregnant (his fiancé was pregnant, so their OC was born not too long after his other child), but I don't know that FWS would have objected even if we knew their relationship wasn't stable. He has been on Facebook "checking in" to brothels in Nevada recently, as well as many, many strip clubs as he travels for work.

However, the guy is VERY young (he was 18 when OW got with him), and probably very naive, but he seems to be very dedicated to OC, he even got her footprints and name tattooed on his chest, so even if they do eventually divorce, I thin he will likely stay very involved.

ETA: OC also THINKS OW's H is her biological father (according to OW).

[This message edited by Want2help at 7:17 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

plainpain please don't do that to yourself

(((PP)))

"I am the reason that child won't grow up with his father".

NO!

You didn't hold the OW and your WH down at gunpoint and forced them to have unprotected sex

DNA doesn't define who is a mother and who is a father of a child. DNA just explains why the kid looks the way it does.

The OW has all the power. It was her choice alone whether to abort, adopt or birth and keep OC. If she chooses to remain single than she is refusing the OC a chance to have a father. A father is an honorary title for the man that raises a child and the OC can have that blessing, can have that teacher in life if the OW realizes how to actually step up and focus on someone other then herself for a change...

I am so grateful to have found this site, I am living a moment that I never thought I was going to be experiencing.

I will be short explaining, you all are pretty familiar with the details of this type of situations. My DH and I been together for 3 years, there is a girl that has been always in love with him, she is his SIL BFF. She knows me, we have sat on a table all together to have dinner, during the Winter my DH and I were going thru a bad moment and he went several times to see his Brother (lives an hr away) and of course she was there.

There were together 3 times, confirmed even by her. Then he broke it up, he never liked her, and of course we were working out our problems when she came bk after a month to let him know she was preggo.

My DH is from Central America, they have a different way of seeing things, we separated after the fact and he felt responsible for what was happening and after finding out her parents kicked he out (She is 30.. ) he help her get an apt and moved in w her. I was devastated beyond anything, he was there for 1 month but he started contacting me pretty much the next day he left.

Long story short, we are together, we love each other, he talks to her in front of me only, he is doing everything that he needs to do to make me feel better about the situation.

The problem is her, she hates that we are together, she hates that he left her and now she text him 20 times a day with non sense, first she says " You will never be in the baby life, baby wont have your last name, I hate you!!" things like that, then the next morning, "God morning, how are you doing today?" ( )

He texted her, "Listen there is no need to text me good morning , lets keep it simple and just text me only about the baby" so, I have never seen someone visit the doctor almost at a daily basis, then she calls and text all day just to be in contact every day, he doesn't answer and she starts with the insults.

She always ends the texts with a "What do you think?" or "Do you agree" and of course this is intentional just to make him answer which he doesn't.

She threats him with not allowing him even to see the baby or be part of the baby's life when he doesnt answer a call or a text.

What to do? Help! please we need to find a way to put a stop on this.

I have a DD 8 years old from a previous Marriage, her Dad and I have an excellent relationship and my DH wants the same but it doesnt seem it could ever happen.

BebeL

you can only control you and you are not safe regarding your boundaries with Wayward, the OW who claims is preggo (DNA confirmed?? get that as there are alot of manipulative OW who claim all sorts of things = remember you are dealing with two people who lie) and also regarding protecting your 8 y/o ?? DD

That daughter and what she's witnessing really really concerns me, and I would consider letting your exH have her until you sort out the mess that is your life

Who are you? Where are your boundaries? Why are you accepting so little of being a priority in life? Is that what you want to role model??

Be strong at least for your DD and hopefully for yourself in the same time and if possible

detach from that mess = read the 180 and do not have any contact with "rescuing" anyone but you and your daughter from that toxic goo

BTDT and I am not reaping any rewards from joining in a co-dependent circle so I am just trying to keep you focused as I know I need to be focused on me and the kids as well

Only your wayward can fix himself - you work on you

(((BebeL)) you can do it - you are strong

@Merida: Thank you for saying that. I need to remind myself of that over and over. I can't believe how messed up this has made me - I actually prayed for her to lose her baby. Wtf. I flit back and forth between guilt and contempt, and hopefully one day I will settle in on something a little more benign.

"I am the reason that child won't grow up with his father".

NO!

You didn't hold the OW and your WH down at gunpoint and forced them to have unprotected sex

DNA doesn't define who is a mother and who is a father of a child. DNA just explains why the kid looks the way it does.

The OW has all the power. It was her choice alone whether to abort, adopt or birth and keep OC. If she chooses to remain single than she is refusing the OC a chance to have a father. A father is an honorary title for the man that raises a child and the OC can have that blessing, can have that teacher in life if the OW realizes how to actually step up and focus on someone other then herself for a change...

I love this post and completely agree with it. She had the choice to do what was best for the baby. Instead she choose the selfish thing just to try and keep fws in her life. Sometimes I too feel guilty Plainpain. FWS hasnt completely cut all ties but it seems thats where its headed. He says its not me, that he just doesnt bond with her the same way he does our children. IDK, it all sucks. That poor little girl, but she is not my responsibility, MY CHILDREN that I CHOSE to bring in this world are....

Bebel....Sounds like we have the same OW. In her mind, im the intruder. Im in the way of the thing she wants. She doesnt realize that even if I wasnt here, he still wouldnt be with her. Unfortunately, I dont have any great advice as fws is still figuring all this out. I demand respect though. cut the shit, make sure she knows her place. I want to be told EVERY time she contacts, and DO NOT let him see her and OC without you. I would step lightly though, there is a thin line between a crazy delusional angry OW, and a fws who leads you to believe shes these things and hes innocent.

How far along does she say she is, if she really is?

Thank you all, my FWH is really not the problem now, he is doing everything he needs to do and more, always making sure I am ok. He does not like her at all, and to be honest all this craizies that she is going thru is actually what's making him hate her more and she know that.

He said he ignores her texts when she starts with her non sense, but I cant ignore it, she is texting my H and that needs to stop.

Shes been texting all week, last time he responded was last Wednesday and it was very short and straight to the point, but she continued texting him the rest of the week with all these made up Dr. Visits and saying that she was the one that was sick.

So he didn't respond, and this morning she texted, "Hi (another male name, thank you for being w me the last 3 days at the hospital with me that speaks word of you, I will see you this afternoon" Ok so, you have no idea how many times before she pretended to mistakenly text my H, I know she does this on purpose and he does to, I mean how stupid does she thinks he is and also, is she 15?

This time he did answer, "Ok you are welcome"(sarcasm) sh responded, "oh what are you talking about" he said "About your stupidities" then she said, "Oh Im sorry that wasnt for you"

So this is what I am talking about, she is constantly trying to have some kind of contact w him, So I read on this site that it is ok for me to write her a letter, has anyone done this? I wrote a letter and I did let him read it, he said it was ok, and that he agrees on everything on it but to be prepared because she will send a response that I might not like. I don't want to start a war, but this has to stop.

at the minimum tell your H to change the phone number as there doesn't need to be any contact with OW

go NC since no DNA is just my 2 cents

Oh and YOU do not write the NC - that is kibble for your cake-eating WH - he needs to write a NC letter to validate and show that he prioritizes you

I see him so enjoying pitting the two of you together to "fight over him"

Again, this is just my opinion - but what has your WH done to protect you from the texting? He's keeping you informed and engaging the OW and telling you and you go through the emotional roller coaster "for him" to "support him". Is that affirming you? Is that showing you that you are the greatest asset of his life??

I cannot imagine that the experience of her intrusions are pleasant for the two of you so that is why I am saying to have him write the NC letter and to show to you he is serious by blocking her calls/changing the number, email whatever else so that she cannot get in touch with him.

If he won't do that for you, than really - what is he doing that you define as so wonderful? I read your supporting him through this crisis, but I don't read how he is removing that stressor from the M

just my opinion as I have so BTDT, but you know your situation best = read the healing library = and all the best

[This message edited by Merida at 9:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

I hate the legal system...

I would prefer to detach from the "family court" mess ... but no, now we are appealing a just crazy CS ruling.

So I wanted to post this list here as I manage to decide how to act so as to not hurt children while I am hurting in a deep-to-one's core way

from Melanie Tonia Evans free .pdf "How to do No Contact"

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-nocontactwhennarcissistallyabused.htm

When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways – yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individual’s integrity.

People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence:

 Tell the truth.

 Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems.

 Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them.

 Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes.

 Have consideration for the other person’s emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs.

 Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.

 Will apologize full-heartedly when they overstep the mark.

 Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable.

 Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better.

 Realize that there is no upside to the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying the other person.

 Want a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship.

 Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly.

[This message edited by Merida at 5:28 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]

We have just received the results of my WH's paternity test. He is the father of 6 year old OC although we had been hoping against hope that he was not. He has had 10 year "fuck buddy" relationship with married OW, which pre dates our relationship. Two years into our relationship, OW deliberately missed the pill and fell pregnant with OC and has blackmailed my WH ever since into continuing to have sex with her.

OWH and OW are raising the OC as their own, but have expected WH to maintain contact with OC against his will. WH wanted her to have an abortion, but OWH insisted that she continue with the pregnancy even though he knew he was not the father as he had had a vasectomy. OW has pestered WH to continue to have sex with him and see the OC, threatening to reveal all to me if he didn't. WH has seen OC 12 times in his entire life, but has fucked the OW more than 100 times, so it is clear that her main interest has been continuing the sexual relationship with WH rather than any concern for the OC. WH has no interest in OC and has only seen him under duress, when OW has been threatening to tell me everything.

As I have uncovered evidence over the past 2 years, OW has continued to pester and blackmail Wh into continuing to have sex with her. It finally all came to a head in May as I found further recent emails. WH confessed all to me and then dumped OW with an NC Letter. In retaliation, she has claimed child support and as a result, they had to take the paternity test. And now we know that WH is indeed the father. Even though we had known that this was likely, it has still been a shock to get the confirmation.

I resent that WH will now have to pay for the OC, even though OW deliberately got pregnant and when WH offered to pay for the abortion, OW and OWH chose to go ahead with the pregnancy. I feel that If they wanted a child knowing it to be an OC, they should pay for it. I see the child support payments not really as child support, but more fees for sexual services provided and blackmail and I see the OWH as effectively acting as OW's pimp. The money is not really the issue, but I resent that it means we can never have proper NC. WH doesn't want anything to do with OW or OC ever again, but I am scared as I feel we can never R as OC will always be there, even if there is NC.

I am not really needing help or advice. I just wanted to vent. H

((pudding))

first off, if the OW is married and the birth cert says that the husband is the father, it may not be mandated that your sperminator pay CS so I would check with legal on that item = especially since you have 6 years of her husband clearly given the all-OK to raise the OC as his own

seems like common sense to not stick a sperm donor with support unless foodstamps or other state aid is involved... but than I know I just got a crazy master suggesting that children of the marriage are non-entities without a CS order already in place which is kinda not gonna be in place until, you know, a D which kinda isn't planned for when the WH is having - you know, an affair behind my back crazy legal system to think my WH's case was a square peg goes in a square hole (they shoulda researched his ex-W and his legal mess over the last decade... geesh)

anyhow

dunno if you have COM if you do, than file D and CS complaints NOW else you run the risk that I have stated above = hate for you to get into the mess I did by trusting attorneys in MD over solid SI advice

meantime - just take it one day at a time and don't be so sure to believe your husband was "forced" to have sex ...I'm admittedly having the hardest time wrapping my head around my WH's similar complaint that he did what he did since she threatened to out him otherwise. But then she was so kind to post me pics of him smiling and so forth and he hand wrote her notes about how he stood amazed at what a beautiful soul she was blah blah so I think while his fear of consequences was legit, I can't really accept the whole way he went about "avoiding" since it involved so much engaging... if that makes sense

so just detach and really try to truly see how your WH behaves since you now know he's lied = to your face = for years

sorry you are here, but you are not alone

Oh = and that was my question to the veterans

how do you make NC work?? Considering anyone can file/sue for anything, I really don't want to have to deal with the OW ... but how can one put that in the past when the whole OC mess keeps her attached? I can deal with the financial crap, but I am supremely worried about me and the kids

I'm just really struggling with simply placing the future in the god-box so thanks in advance for any insight into how to set up successful boundaries

M

[This message edited by Merida at 2:35 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]