SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

my son's first birthday is this saturday. i have to pretend that things are normal as we have family and friends coming. i need to go to the doctor and explain why i need some meds. you see i am a navy corpsman so if i get counseling and the say that i have severe mental issues they can separate me. now i have to ask for an std test. how embarrassing! i recognize the signs of shock and anxiety, i am trained to diagnose them in the battlefield. i stepped on the scale this morning and could not believe i had dropped 5 pounds in 1 day! every time i closed my eyes last i saw the things she said and i couldn't sleep. even with the meds. someone please tell me that i will be able to look at her again and not see what she did. if not, i don't know how this can get better.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. My story sounds similiar to yours. I am a BW, my WH was physical with my best friend 6 times (3 going "thru" with it) before he figured it was a mistake and came home and told me. I was blindsided, there were no clues. They were doing it in their lunch hour at work.. Its the double betrayal that still kills me and i'm nearly 6 months out. Listen to everything the veterans tell you and just take care of yourself, one day at a time. Big hugs.

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Contact an attorney and find out you and your children rights. Even if you don't file, there is strength and peace of mind in doing so.

Reconciling is possible. It takes a lot of hard work and time. At minimum you need:

Full Disclosure - answer any and all questions you have regardless of how many times you ask.

Transparency - full access to all methods of communication including all user id/password, incoming/outgoing texts (no deleting), Facebook and all other social networking sites.

No Contact - Send a formal no contact letter with wording of any additional contact harassment charge will be forthcoming.

Remorse - willing to do anything and everything possible to help you heal.

Please remember that you are not to blame. She chose this and falls back on her 100%. You are not at fault.

A question regarding her friend. What is her role in all of this? Did she support the affair?

There is nothing wrong with seeking medical assistance. I took anti-depressants for about six months after d-day.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water.

Thank you for your service.

Best advice I ever got was that I didn't have to make any decisions until I was ready.

I agree...

I'm so sorry you are here... but this is the place that you will find the support you need to get through this...

please tell me that i will be able to look at her again and not see what she did. if not, i don't know how this can get better.

yes, it will get better providing she is remorseful, compassionate and honest with you... When you feel like she takes responsibility, shows you that she is truly sorry, and gives you what you need right now to heal, I think in a matter of time, you will be able to see her for what she did (less and less) and more for how she is trying to make things better...

((confusedhusband))

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 8:22 AM, November 14th (Monday)]

I am so sorry you are here

I took the advice given here and did NOT make any decisions right away. Instead, I tried to rely on routine for a few weeks while I gave myself time to decide.

You are NOT superhuman. Just take it day by day and at your pace.

Hey Confused Husband,

I read through your thread and you have not given much detail.

How old are you and your spouse?

How old are your kids?

Who is the OM and is he married?

I know you are blown away by all of this crap. She has blindsided you big time. Did she shed any more light on the affair during your conversation last night?

Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Unprotected sex and the cheating just shows you how far your wife's head is up her ass. This is no reflection on you.

You have the time to make decisions and you have the found the best place to sound out your thoughts.

If this happened to me, your buddy and your wife's girlfriend who is also a cheater would be so nailed to the wall with actions I would take against them.

Get over the shock, take the appropriate action that makes you and your kids feel safe.

Good Luck Sailor!

HM64

(((ch)))

It will get better. For a long time, I wondered if I could forgive him but I did. And for a long time, I was driven by fear but I got over that, too. It had been snout 8 months since Dday 2 and I still feel ander or despair at times but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I can tolerate this level of anxiety.

I think it's too bad that you don't feel like you can seek counseling without reprisal. That is so counter-intuitive. People that could benefit the most won't ever go.

[This message edited by SusanR at 11:55 AM, November 14th (Monday)]

Dang, autocorrect! I'm turning it off now!

Eat, sleep, exercise, drink plenty of water bears repeating. Helps with processing everything.

i am back home now. i really tried but found myself not functional. one second i want to smash something and the next i sobbing uncontrollably. i hate that i have no way to stay calm. i have read several of the articles you all have suggested and it is helping. the compassion you all have shown helps too. to answer some of the questions above: i am 31, have two children. a daughter who is going to turn 4 soon and my son who will be 1 on saturday. the other guy is not married and i have not spoken with him or confronted him. my conversation with my wife last night answered some questions but left me still confused above motives and i feel like she is still leaving out details. i told her i wanted a no contact agreement and that if i decided to stay we would need counseling. she kept repeating that she would do anything to make it work. i came home to sleep but i can't. i know i should eat but i can't bring myself to do that either. i really worry when i think about not being able to see a way out of feeling this way. this can't last i know, but i can't see an end in sight.

..listen.. you've got to eat, you must drink (not booze).. get to your doc for sleep aids and some 'calming' meds

..your brain will be racing and raging in overdrive for a while at the shock and disbelief..

..is your WW reading here on SI?

..does she know you are here?

..have you anyone to talk with? family member/friend/ pastor/ doctor??

try not to hold it all in..it really helps to talk, and post here for any ??? that you may have..

..are you aware of possible HB? hysterical bonding..it may help you to stay connected while you work through all the crap you'll have to deal with..

..running, working out..releasing some of that anger physically can help with that pressure that builds up..

..keep strong.. keep easy and quick food/juice in the house..

smy

Confused:

Your W is making the right noises at least. That's a start. You're in shock and you will be in that state for a while. You should talk to someone, preferably a counsellor or a trusted friend at least to let this out. The military would know how to handle this kind of thing as marital issues must happen all the time. You will breakdown but that's normal and OK. You've been hit by a tonne of bricks.

The most important thing is for you to be able to function for YOU. I am not one to rush to meds immediately but I have to say anti-depressants have enabled me to function over the past 12 months. If you need them, don't be too proud to take them even short-term.

(((Confused))) - This means hugs.

Ellejay

i really worry when i think about not being able to see a way out of feeling this way. this can't last i know, but i can't see an end in sight.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to the right place. Part of my journey has been coming to grips with the fact that there is no "end" to this. We must learn how to process, adapt, and build ourselves back up.

It's a hell of a rollercoaster, but it does get better. I myself am in a bit of a "dip" right now, but after being on the ride for 10 months, you get accustomed to the whiplash, and you start to trust that you will pull out of the darker places eventually.

We're all here for you. Give yourself time to process. There are a lot of stages, and it is a long long road, but you are not alone.

(((ch)))

Listen up troop.....

Walk to the fridge right now.....get something in your stomach. Get a bottle of water and drink one every 2-3 hours.

Secondly....you are not alone. A year ago this month I was in your shoes. I went through everything you are going through to a tee.

Listen to the guys here (and the BWs).....I am former Army and thought I was all tough and could handle it. I did not find this place until a few months past DDay and at the end of TT.....thats Trickle Truth. Thats when they lie about the details to spare themselves lookign like bigger shit than they are/were. Mine lied about the depth of the PA....about my kids being around him....when contact stopped....etc etc. Lay it all out there...let her know that TT is not an option....have her read the description in the healing library....let her know that it hurts just as bad as DDay and draw the line....any TT and its DONE. Don't go though the next 3 months like I did. I was a complete puss wah for 2 months....taking it all on myself..."it was my fault" etc etc....screw that....its HER fault. You can work on what the M was prior to her sleepovers, but right now...its daily survival. remember Basic Training? You survived one day at a time....this makes basic look like grade school, but you can do this. Read as much as you can....get sleep. I worked out like a demon everyday so I basically passed out at night...do what you have to. STAY IN TOUCH HERE....PM if you feel uncomfortable.

Don't let her TT you...thats step one (after doing the basics to survive)...

keep tellign yourself....in a year...it will all be different...whatever happens...the pain will not stay like this....

ruck up and get down to it my man!

1. Eat

2. Sleep

3. Drink lots of water

4. Read the healing library

You have resources in the military. Check with a chaplain. Check with a JAG. A great book for guys in our position is "First aid for the Betrayed". There are a lot of guys here to help you.

Eat, drink water only, and try to sleep...what you are going through is normal.

Your wife said she would do anything to save the marriage and will go no-contact with the other man...great as long as you verfify!

I strongly suggest that you also insist that you wife go no-contact with her FB friend.....this so called frind is not a friend to your marriage. She should have counseled your wife to stop and intervfined, inclueing informing your wife that she would speak to you if your wife didn't confess. This person offered your wife emotional if not physical shelter in her affair. I believe this is important in your reconcilation.

You should go and talk to your unit's padre. He/she can help you in your command in that you are not at your best right now and might do something that will harm your career because you can't focus.

If your up to it, you should also speak to your C/O, it will not be the first time someone in their command that this happended to.

Expose your former friend to the Navy, he committed a violation of the UCMJ and should be punished for that.

My friend, you have something in your arsenal that civilian betrayed spouses don't have.....in the service adultry is an illegal act....go after this a** h***.

[This message edited by maria_2011 at 4:08 PM, November 14th (Monday)]

I am going to repeat this:

You have a weapon in your arsenal that civilaian betrayed spouses only wish they did.

Your former friend violated the UNIFORMED CODE OF MILITARY JUSTICE. Adultry is the military is against the law.

You have his career in your hands......go after the scum bag....this is a good way to test your wife....she better be ready to testify to her/his adultry. ACTIONS ARE LOUDER THAN WORDS!!

And CH let me add what you should not be confused about.

1. You are a good man.

2. You are a good father.

3. You are a good husband.

How do I know. If you weren't you would have already bolted. You would have left your kids. You would have left your WW after a betrayal like this.

I can tell you love her. You are wondering how she could betray you and your marriage in this fashion.

My man, it's not about you. It is about her, her poor boundaries, her poor decisions, her selfihness, her shitty friends, her own problems and issues.

Get the answers you need from her. Establish your rules and boundaries.

Get security back in the relationship. Then decide if you want to reconcile with her.

Good Luck Sailor.

HM64.

i have been following the advice given... at least most of it. i was able to get some sleep last night which felt really good and WW and i talked more and for the first time i believed we could move past this. i have decided to forgive her or at least to start. i know she loves me and i can't rationalize why she chose to put her own selfishness above our family and myself. the only thing i can do now is try accept that she did something horrible to us and move on. we still need counseling, to be tested, the NC agreement and more. i am not done going through the stages of grief (funny that i have been trained to recognize them but can't do anything to stop it). i know i need to eat more but i am never hungry and when she talked me into a shake last night i was very nauseous. i stepped on the scale this morning... 2 days and i have lost way to much weight. i was in shape before so to lose this much this fast is not healthy. i am going to eat something this morning, and drink some coffee. i am still very tired. i know - eat drink sleep... i am working on it. :)

Most of your wife's remorse/concern comes from fear of losing the marriage and the subsequent effect on the children and her lifestyle.

I would consider not telling her what she wants to hear; that you will readily and immediately reconcile. Tell her that you will move out of the bedroom for 6 months and think the situation over. You may actually intend to ultimately mend your relationship but she does not deserve this assurance right now. Her fate needs to hang in the balance while you think things over. Might bring back some of the respect for you that she sadly seems to lack.