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I am experiencing the same situation you are, my WS slept with a friend in our house while she was visiting. The A lasted 4 months. After DDay he has shown remorse, stopped the A and still doesn't know why he did it.

I lost 5 pounds in a week, eventhough I am fit, so that was a big change for me. I decided to focus on working out for a marathon. I have completed many before but my anger fuels my legs and I am planning on doing a PR. God knows I am willing to suffer like a dog on race day and not as much at home.

You will probably need MC because you will be in the rollercoaster of your life. Today you'll feel like you will forgive her, tomorrow you will feel like you can't. One day you are sad, the other angry, the next one ok. Not even you will know how your emotions will be day after day. It is maddening. In my case I am only 1.5 months from DDay. We have two toddlers.

And about sex in the A, my husband said first it happened 2 or 4 times, I was sure it was more, so after asking him for weeks he now confessed to around 14 times. My guess is 20. I needed to know, you might not.

Take care and think about your kids. She might have made the "mistake of her life" like my WS says. I am just making sure he is 100% remorseful and will show significant changes. I always remind him that going to MC doesn't guarantee we will have an automatic R. He'll have to show me with actions -not words- if he really wants his family back. He has to earn us back. I suggest yours should too.

Be strong.

BTW my kids are also 3 and 1. And my son's birthday was a month after D Day. It went ok.

[This message edited by Tiger at 2:14 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

Confused, I would urge you to take it slow. Right now your are a boiling pot of emotions and what makes sense to you now will seem irrational few month from now. You are going to go through the RAINBOW of emotions, from love, to hate, to hurt, to anger and every time you will act differently.

Do no use words like forgive, move past this or anything similar to this at this time. There is a time and place for this and few days after DDay is not that time. When this happened to me, I told her and everybody there were no guarantees and that the only thing I promised is that I would not make any decision for 6 month and in the mean time try to work on the marriage.

Right now, your WW needs to understand the depth of the situation and that she destroyed the marriage -- if you choose to reconcile that should be treated as a gift not as a given.

First and foremost, decide what you want to do in a short term (don't make any long term plans). Do you want to reconcile or do you want to separate.

Assuming you want to reconcile, very short term until the fog lifts here is what you need to do:

1. Make marriage a good place to be

2. Make marriage a difficult to leave

3. Stay calm (can be very difficult) and take care of yourself

Your next task should be to get

1. Get full story (level of detail up to you) but context and all that happened is a MUST. It will be painful and she will lie / gaslight you but you must get all of it. The reason for that is that your mind will fill in the blanks and it will be worse than the truth. Also any new information disclosed after healing has started will reset you back to DDay #1.

2. Lift the fog / shatter the fantasy world. There are many ways to do this but in your case I would recommend transparency (it has other benefits too). Don't keep the affair secret -- you did nothing wrong. Expose it. Expose it to her parents, your parents, Military (VERY IMPORTANT), a few trusted mutual friends. The shock will help snap your wife back to reality -- that what saved my WW from her fantasy.

By exposing this to Military it will pit your WW vs her MOM and create feelings of hate between them. It is very important because that would reinforce the NC.

You are at war right now for YOUR marriage. Think, plan and act accordingly. Things that are best for your marriage long term might hurt short term but they are necessary -- don't sweep this under the rug and forgive 4 days after DDay.

Tell her that you will move out of the bedroom for 6 months

Sorry--but the bitchy female in me asks why HE has to move out of the bedroom--she spread her legs for another man..let HER sleep on the damn couch for 6 months... let her be miserable for a while..

[This message edited by KLinNoCA at 8:52 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

^^^This.

I am completely rational at the moment and I totally agree. Let HER be uncomfortable. It's the very least she deserves.

Consider having her take a polygraph as part of R. It might stop the trickle truth. If she refuses then she is not serious about saving your M.

I agree. Get her out of the bedroom. She deserves the couch. An dnarc out her girlfiriend. She no friend of the affair. Clue her husband in on her shitty behavior. She deserves it. This will keep her away from your wife.

If your wife gets pissed after she finds out, tell her these are the consequences she has to face for her crappy decisions.

Keep the wind in your sails salior and move forward for you and your kids.

By the way, where were you and your kids when all her cheating was taking place?

I know where there is a nice boat anchor with a short chain for your exfriend....

i did a marathon 2 weeks after dday....it about killed me. I lost 13 lbs in those 2 weeks. Survival was the word of that day.

I will say this...I did a 20 miler the day after dday...I don't remember it. ugh.