SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So much has been posted lately about what makes a woman sexy. When I first met my STBXWH he described me as "dainty". Later on in our relationship he expected me to do a lot of physically challenging things (like he had me carry a boat bed that we got for our DS when I was pregnant w our DD and he got mad at me when I couldn't effectively mow and care for our 6 acres). So, which is it? Do guys like a dainty woman or a woman who can use a chainsaw?

PS. I'm not all "dainty". I've had a horse for 25 years and I know how to muck out a stall. ;-)

I'm not a guy, but it seems like (in my experience) guys are initially drawn to women who need to be saved, but they don't want to live that roll forever - so over time they become less of a KISA and more dependent, expecting to be taken care of.

Mind you, I've only had two serious relationships (including my marriage) and both were highly dysfunctional. So my experiences are probably not a good measure.

I'll be curious to see responses on this from men!

Dainty, yes. Distress, absolutely no.

I like feeling needed. I do not like feeling I'm only needed to solve problems. Makes me wonder if we're only together because I happened to be around when she had a problem.

The appeal of a damsel in distress is that it makes the guy feel confident (he may not feel in the same league as highly confident women), and it makes the guy feel needed (which is also an ego thing).

I believe that most every human being is in some form of distress, and a healthy relationship will be open to each other's vulnerabilities. But when it's all about one person saving the other, it's lopsided and condescending.

Hell no...... I am 49 yo and my days of saving people are over. If a woman my age needs to be saved she has far bigger issues then I can help with.

And that has nothing to do with being dainty. If a woman cant fix things or do heavying lifting thats fine with me. But if she knows it and can handle getting it done without me. I.E. hiring someone to do it for her. Thats shows me she does not need my presence to get things done. But if she was to ask me to do it I would. A woman can be just as classy swinging a hammer as she can be all made up. I personally am looking for a partner. Not a burden. KWIM ?

A woman can be just as classy swinging a hammer as she can be all made up. I personally am looking for a partner. Not a burden. KWIM

Women want men that willing to help in the kitchen, laundry, and house chores.

In today world, both sexes need to lose the stereotypes. Everyone works and it takes teamwork .

gma

I have very little experience, and I'm not a man.

However, when stbx and I got together, he admired my independence and strength and capability. He said it was one of the things he loved about me. He did admit (early red flag?), before we even married, that he was worried I would be too independent and not lean on him enough.

When he walked out, he told a counsellor we saw that I was the strongest woman he knows (this time, notsomuch a compliment ). It all came out that during the course of the marriage, he felt like I didn't need him enough, that I "took over". Well, when he sat on his P-A butt and didn't get stuff done, someone had to! Anyway, it was all very dysfunctional.

He left me for a teenage girl with definite foo issues. I don't know a lot of details, but I think he got a huge ego-boost from her "needing" him so badly. Sheesh! The girl "needed" him to be with her more than I did when I was 3 days post-partum!!! And she needed him to take her to work and she needed him to pick her up and she needed him to be surgically attached to her hip at all times.

In short, it seems maybe more dysfunctional men want a damsel in distress. A healthy, mature man, wants an equal partner.

In today world, both sexes need to lose the stereotypes. Everyone works and it takes teamwork .

GMA just to let you know. Im an accomplished cook. I wash and Iron my own laundry and I do housework...... And Im am a pretty handy guy around the house. LOL....

i have no idea for sure but i know that in a sense i was a damsel in distress when my X and i started dating. when i started to pull things together, i think he felt displaced and i realized my relationship was based on my gratitude and not a real foundation.

with TG maybe its too early to say. he does a lot around the house to help me. i do lots of things to help him. it seems to balance. neither of us is in a position to save the other.

i know TG likes it when he can help. he likes to feel needed and valued. you know what i like that too so i'm not sure its a KISA thing.

he also very much likes that i've got a career, can solve problems of all kinds on my own, and am generally independent.

i think an important part of a relationship is letting the other person know they are valued, respected and appreciated. Saving people is exhausting.

GMA just to let you know. Im an accomplished cook. I wash and Iron my own laundry and I do housework...... And Im am a pretty handy guy around the house. LOL....

Nothing is sexier than an independent man.

I taught DSS to do it all too and yes he only does it when he has to but he does KNOW how to do it all too.

I done my share of swinging hammers and holding sheetrock/siding in place.

gma

My xwh told me while we were dating that he felt like he had "saved" me from my last failed relationship, which made him feel like a KISA.

I never thought of him in that way until he told me after he confessed his A that he felt like a "paycheck" to the kids and I (Uh, I was a SAHM with a husband who was always gone on trips (pilot) and when he was home, he never was really home in his interactions with us).

I honestly think he wanted a written invitation to be included in the family

This was also from the same man who told me before we married that he didn't want a wife who cried and told him she missed him (boo hoo). In other words, an independent woman.

So when I wasn't standing at the door, holding a cocktail, in a nightie, kids put to bed early, dinner on his table, making mad, passionate love to him EVERY time he came home from a trip, I made him feel like a paycheck, GIVE ME A BREAK!!

I guess you get what you ask for

This is timely! I was just told by a guy on OKCupid that I should take down my photo of me trap shooting because a woman with a gun scares guys!

maybe he's right because the 6 months I've been on I've only been on two dates.

ETA: I'm not taking it down, BTW!

Don't want no scare-dy cats anyway!

[This message edited by mariusa at 5:06 PM, November 19th (Saturday)]

Ok...these what do men/women want questions just keep coming. I like to keep things simple because...ahem...I'm not really that bright but I have an opinion that is of course trite but I think very true...just be your freaking self. If your spending time worrying about what you think the other person wants you are wasting your time. People, quit stressing over whether you are cute enough, smart enough and whatever the hell else that Smalley guy had to say. If they like what they see and hear and feel...well then you'll know (you know you do) and if they don't...well F-em and move on...I believe if you embrace who you are and put out that positive vibe good things will happen. If they don't, well maybe you need to change your deodorant (insert one of those dumb smiley yellow things here)

I like them nice, respectful and honest. No issues with Drugs or alcohol. My tastes are broad in all other areas.

I think most people want to feel needed/valued for what they bring to the relationship. If it is the ability to fix things, so be it. However, I do think both sexes should be entirely competent to manage on their own. I know we are.

So I might have to hire something done or GDM might fix simpler dishes than I, but in the end what is important is that we're not a mix of dysfunctional need and validation based on some sort of limiting roles, but two people who enjoy and value each other for what we are.

He absolutely loves it when I ask him to do something (read: fix something). He says it's because he can "contribute." So I try and set aside little things (5 minute things) that he can do. Today he fixed a window in my daughter's car that had come off the track. And I'm fixing homemade chicken pot pie for dinner.

I think it's important in any relationship to enjoy and value what each party brings to the table.

Cat

i'm definitely very independent. I can fix things, know how to use a hammer, do the yard work, ect.

I've been told that WS boyfriend is a "damsel in distress" type. Very needy, does whatever WS wants him to do, I've found out that WS helped him buy a house, helps him do all the organization in his classroom, ect. Apparantly, he is incapable.

I'm not going to change. I enjoy my independence. This was brought up in MC, that WS didn't feel "needed". I told him I didn't "need" him, but I "wanted" him. I felt that wanting someone around was much more important than needing someone.

cmego -- i'm not sure if that's 100% true. remember your man may be defining "need" a bit differently than you do. his definitation may be closer to your definition of "want" than you think. that truly was a communication issue for my X and me.

we all need people some time. maybe not always the same person. i don't NEED TG to continue to exist. i do WANT him in my life.

i NEED someone to fix the garbage disposal switch. i do need him to fix it. yes i could learn how to do it. yes i could call someone to fix it if TG weren't around. i will ask TG to do it because i need the chore done and i want TG to do it rather than wasting time figuring it out or money hiring someone. TG will feel needed/wanted. He likes that. (for him that equals feeling valued

My great grandma was a very independent lady. She often took care of a 300acre hay farm and crew by herself when my great grandpa was away. She could do a lot of things on her own. She gave the following advice for a happy marriage 'sometimes ask him to open a jar even if you can open it yourself'.

i guess its all about being perceived as useful, valuable and respected in the relationship. TG knows I can handle things on my own regardless of what it is but if he can make it easier for me that lets him know that i value his skills and abilities.

i do things for him that he doesn't like to do b/c i'm better at some of them. when he has to b/c i'm to busy he does those things himself. i appreciate that he respects my skills. i feel like i'm contributing to the relationship. its all about balance

My WW always asked me to fix anything and everything. She thought I could fix and or build anything. She got "mad" at me once b/c I told her I couldn't build her chairs out of sticks in the yard.

For me it made me feel useful and important. It made me feel needed. I'm sure she could figure a lot of what she asked me to do on her own but I always felt good being able to swoop in and save the day.

Having said all that, I have made/asked her to work with me in my landscaping business on occasion. And she was pretty good at it. I don't think she liked it though.

So yeah, I like the damsel in distress most of the time but if I really need help with something it would be nice for a wife/girlfriend to help me.

I don't want a damsel in distress. I was a strong, confident, intelligent, compassionate, kind, humorous, independent woman.

But that's just me.

Most men do NOT want a damsel in distress, and those who do (KISAs) don't want them for long; they just keep going from one sad project to the next.

Even KISAs appreciate a woman who can take care of herself; they just don't want to be faithful to her alone...