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KernalSandy ( member #35610) posted at 11:25 PM on Saturday, July 7th, 2012
What I wish I had done?
Great question.
Right now, I’m kinda wishing I had let her A run its course. I’ve been in limbo because I will really never know if she is capable of chronic betrayal (automatic D) or whether it was a colossal, one-time screw up, like she says (possible R). On paper she is remorseful, but I wonder if it’s legit.
There was an EA component to it after-the-fact that she hasn't 'fessed up to. So lately, I'm leaning toward D. But I feel guilty about that because she has been working on remorse. I'm sort of wishing I she gave me a reason to go auto-D without the guilt.
Belle29 ( member #35501) posted at 2:36 AM on Sunday, July 8th, 2012
You are an effing genius! I will need to re-read this again tomorrow. Thank you so much for sharing.
Me: BS
Her: WS
DDay: 4/27/2012
It's a rollercoaster ride for sure......and I never did like rollercoasters. That's why I got off.
SuspiciousWife ( member #18108) posted at 5:52 PM on Tuesday, July 10th, 2012
Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 4:36 AM on Monday, July 23rd, 2012
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 4:22 AM on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012
homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:39 AM on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012
I wish I would have packed his stuff up and taken it to the OW house that she shares with her Husband!!!! LOL
Those first few days I was so shocked, everyone would have excused anything crazy I did.
Anyway, thank you for posting this.
Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 5:04 AM on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012
It's been a while since I visited, but I'm already re-bumping this for justjul.
pbjkiki ( member #35145) posted at 11:10 PM on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012
Sigh. I have the most remorseful, committed, penitent, unflappable, undiscouragable, determined-to-R WF.
And I STILL regret taking him back. Now it feels like it's too late.
What I wish I'd done?
- Wish I'd hacked his phone, and found a way to read what all those texts said.
- Wish I'd more directly and forcefully informed the OW's boyfriend (accidentally sent the tattle message to someone on FB with his same name. Next, my friend tried emailing him, and he got it, but opted to believe the OW's gaslight. Third time I sent from my gmail to his FB inbox, a technique which I don't think works). At this point I think I'm just being a drama queen and I need to let it go. He wants to be lied to. His funeral.
I regret meeting him in the first place, though, so if we are rewriting history, I think I'd go farther back and just stay the happy, carefree person I was.
queneanth ( member #15816) posted at 4:02 AM on Wednesday, August 15th, 2012
Bumping for new members. Also adding my "shoulda"
I wish now that my response to finding out would have been along these lines:
"I am actually releived to hear of your infidelity! Now I can come come clean and tell you that I have been in love with someone else for about (insert length of time shorter than your WS's affair here)and now I can FINALLY be TRULY happy! you must move out immediately and be with her!Let's all get together for a few drinks in about a month.This is going to be great! 
Only works if you don't have kids though...And if you can ply a single friend of the opposite sex to play along. And if WS is a cake eating fence-sitter.
"The hardest thing in life to learn, is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."
blinders_off ( member #34109) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, September 5th, 2012
Crushed1 ( member #6449) posted at 4:57 AM on Thursday, September 6th, 2012
Bumping for newbies, lots of great advice! 
~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 2:59 AM on Wednesday, September 26th, 2012
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
crazynot ( member #24572) posted at 8:51 AM on Wednesday, September 26th, 2012
Wish I'd let him tell the kids that night, put him out on the street and filed for divorce there and then, like I always said I would. It was the lies and the attempt at R that did all the damage that came afterwards. But that's not what I'd advise others to do. My WH's A had been sneaking up for years... and is, hell as it is to say this, a real love-match. He told me and never said sorry, never said anything except he loved her and didn't love me, that I didn't know what love was. I should have listened to those powerful words, and acted upon them, not made a desperate and humiliating attempt to make it all un-happen, clinging to a dead relationship.
Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Angelstar5 ( member #35276) posted at 9:08 AM on Wednesday, September 26th, 2012
I should have left his ass at the curb and saved myself nearly 20 yrs of gut and heart wrenching pain and agony. THE FIRST DDAY! I shouldn't have waited all these years thru all the alcoholism and treatment centers to wait for him to half kill me again.
Now i'm nearly 50 and feel trapped as hell. I wish i was 32 again and young and could start fresh....young enough to have more kids with someone who loved me.
Me 56,WH 55alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs
ThoughtIKnewYa ( member #18449) posted at 9:33 PM on Saturday, September 29th, 2012
bump
ThoughtIKnewYa ( member #18449) posted at 9:11 PM on Saturday, October 13th, 2012
weekend bump.
diditagn ( member #3433) posted at 4:29 AM on Thursday, October 18th, 2012
Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, November 11th, 2012
lknup ( member #37433) posted at 12:10 AM on Monday, November 12th, 2012
Thank you for bumping. I needed this advice as hard as it is to read.
Me: BS
He: WS
DD fall 2012, Divorced fall 2014, he quickly married OW
34years ( new member #37477) posted at 10:46 AM on Tuesday, November 13th, 2012
This is good info, thanks. I have already goofed my revealing some sources.
I have seen too many people put through hell by trying to salvage a marriage with a long term cheater/liar, and I want to avoid that.
I'm off to read about this 180 stuff. It sounds like something i need to know.
Me: 55 YO BS
Him 54 YO WH
M: 34 years
pros, strippers, strangers, Craigslist personals, affair
D-Day: 10-31-12
He is in custody for raping me and fracturing my back
4 grown children
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