SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had a very bad spell today. I was reading a magazine and happened upon an article written by someone whom my husband admires but whom I don't agree with, and I could not stop thinking about how we would have discussed it, the little argument we would have had, the laughter that always ended those arguments. And then something welled up, I was suddenly unable to breathe, I could only cry soundlessly.

I oftentimes doubt my own mind. You were not remorseful, I tell myself. You are not remorseful. You only want him back for yourself. I tell myself that I should be thankful that this did not break him, that he forges on and does not suffer. But I want him to suffer, I want him to feel the pain of loss if it would be the only chance for him to need me.

You are a bad human being, I tell myself. I don't want to be bad, not any more, but I cannot stop thinking of myself.

I still cannot really eat or sleep, and am often ill. My parents will be taking me away soon, hopefully to convalesce, to be watched over. It is far away. I know this will be hard on the children but seeing me as I am would distress them terribly. And they have their father. Again I am selfish, running away. I have endured much in my life, but I do not know how much longer I can endure this.

threw it away,

Don't kid yourself. Guaranteed your BH is in pain. I don't think there's a BS on the planet that found out their spouse was cheating, threw up their hands and said, "Welp, that sucked. Life goes on!" He's hurting.

If the As were dealbreakers, then they were dealbreakers. You need to work on you. If you don't fix you, you're going to carry this toxic crap the rest of your life and in every relationship you have forward. Get better.

Stop running away.

Just because he's not letting you see his pain,doesn't mean he's not feeling it. He is suffering. There is nothing like the pain of being betrayed.

As someone who also had a shitty experience today, I am so sorry you are in pain. This was a deal breaker for your BH but know that you can move forward and work on yourself regardless and you can be a healthy person for yourself and maybe someone else in the future.

((tia

threw it away: perhaps I am an unrealistic, 'glass-half-full' person, but just because he has initiated D doesn't mean it's definitely happening. A lot can change during the waiting period and I would use that time to show him and prove to him what your intentions are and that you are serious about fixing the things that led you to the A's in the first place.

After that.....it's in God's hands.

Good luck to you and your family. ((hugs))

I want him to feel the pain of loss if it would be the only chance for him to need me.

You don't want this. This type of codependency is unhealthy. You want him to be with you for you not because of some false sense of need.

I know he hurts in some way. I still don't know what I want more -- that he does not hurt, so that I don't have that guilt, or that he does hurt so that it means he cares.

Once more, it is still all about me and I loathe myself for it. But no matter how repulsive it all sounds, I need to stop lying and tell what is truly within me.

He is strong, this will not defeat him. When the downturn came and he was out of work, he did whatever it took to provide. I remember when he came home every night exhausted from working whatever part-time jobs he could get, sometimes three in the same day. He still awakened extra-early every morning to make time for writing me a little letter, perhaps a poem before he was off. I remember feeling so blessed by his presence in my life, an unchanging source of warmth, always thinking of me above himself. And then after I gave the children their breakfast, I would often leave them with my in-laws, claiming errands to run, I was suddenly so busy with him working so much. Then I was free to spend a few hours with some other man.

I do not understand how I could make myself deny that what I was doing was so very wrong. I shudder when I think of it now. I hope for my own sake that this revulsion is real, but I have come to doubt all my motives for how I feel.

A lot can change during the waiting period and I would use that time to show him and prove to him what your intentions are and that you are serious about fixing the things that led you to the A's in the first place.

After that.....it's in God's hands.

We aren't in communication any more. He has cut me out of his life like something poisonous, a cancer. If there is a God, it is in his hands already. I know there are no excuses for what I did, I have no false hopes.

You don't want this. This type of codependency is unhealthy. You want him to be with you for you not because of some false sense of need.

Better unhealthy with him than anything without him. This is the truth of how I feel. Maybe this will change, but it is how I feel.

[This message edited by threw it away at 3:10 PM, February 28th (Tuesday)]

I do not understand how I could make myself deny that what I was doing was so very wrong.

This is what you need to focus on. Regardless of the outcome, you need to discover your "Whys".

Better unhealthy with him than anything without him. This is the truth of how I feel. Maybe this will change, but it is how I feel.

I get it. Think of it as something you need to work towards rather than something you should be feeling right now.

BS here, I assume this is OK to post to

"he forges on and does not suffer."

You husband sounds a lot like me, when my wife had the affair. You can read my profile for the story if you want.

But, don't for a second think that he doesn't suffer, assuming he has been faithful to the marriage himself. It may be well hid, but you can know that it is there.

Losing wife, someone you trusted, and wondering if you will ever have a person who you can trust again in your life.

Losing family, something he aspired to and sacrificed for, and wondering why giving it your all wasn't enough.

Losing security, which we all want, and feeling insecure inside.

Wondering why he wasn't "worth it", what was it about the other man that made it worth throwing away everything (family, home, him, kids, etc) just for a romp.

I have read your story and it is a sad story, but hopeful nevertheless. Your wife is fortunate to have someone who wanted to find an explanation.

Unfortunately for me, I have no explanations. My past certainly had its unpleasantnesses but nothing so severe that I was not able to get beyond them. For my affairs I have no excuses at all.

Losing wife, someone you trusted, and wondering if you will ever have a person who you can trust again in your life.

Losing family, something he aspired to and sacrificed for, and wondering why giving it your all wasn't enough.

Losing security, which we all want, and feeling insecure inside.

Wondering why he wasn't "worth it", what was it about the other man that made it worth throwing away everything (family, home, him, kids, etc) just for a romp.

I have imagined all of these thoughts in his head, and it cuts into my heart. But it has not been granted to me to try to help him heal. I can only hope that some day, whatever pain he feels will fade.

[This message edited by threw it away at 4:53 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

Threw it away,

How are you doing?

Sometimes the explanations aren't as easy to find as we would like but they are there.

Don't give up on yourself.

(((Hugs)))

I go over my past now, trying to look at everything unflinchingly. It would be so convenient to pick out details and call them causes, but I am sure that they are only precursors, symptoms of whatever is wrong with me. I think I have to accept that I was simply born wrong in some way. It isn't inconceivable that some people are.

I may have forfeited my chance to be loved, but my eyes have been finally been opened to what hurt and deception truly are. As bitter as the lesson is, I am learning to be thankful for it.

BS here. I am sorry if i don't get this. You cheated on your husband multiple times, shattered him, Made him question everything, trust no one, and face having to raise his kids alone, and now you're upset that he isn't suffereing more???? He doesn't have to grant you anything.

When the apathy train hit, it hit me hard. At that point I realized that absent a miracle, any interaction that I would have with my WW would be painful for me. Sounds like he is trying to move one from this carnage as best he can. Work on yourself and leave him alone.

I hope that you find a way to heal yourself.

Your posts are very worrying. Get help now. There is a suicide line always available. Do not harm yourself.

There is nothing that you have done that deserves total oblivion. Get mental help as soon as you can.

threw it away-

BS here, hope you don't mind. I'm also a little worried about your posts. They sound very dismal. Understandable, but please get yourself help.

Get it now to get through these feelings and continue it so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

Praying for you.

threw it away,

You are very down on yourself. It's understandable, given that your choices to cheat were a dealbreaker for your BH.

But now you seem...fatalistic or something.

Do you truly believe this has been inside you all along? Why? We learn things from a very early age. Earlier than we can remember. Those things become who we are. Yes, some people are wired differently (in an unhealthy way), but those situations are few.

Why do you think you are different than any other WS here? We all cheated. Some lost their spouse. Some didn't. Just because you lost your spouse doesn't mean that you have been a horrible person all your life.

Why did your parents take you to convalesce? Was there professional help there? Are you on meds? What support system do you have? or are you still there? You've been gone for two weeks. Is that enough time to convalesce?

You cheated on your husband multiple times, shattered him, Made him question everything, trust no one, and face having to raise his kids alone, and now you're upset that he isn't suffereing more???? He doesn't have to grant you anything.

It is awful, isn't it? But I won't put a better face on it -- a better face on me -- than deserved. And I am leaving him alone, I don't bother him.

Do you truly believe this has been inside you all along? Why? We learn things from a very early age. Earlier than we can remember. Those things become who we are. Yes, some people are wired differently (in an unhealthy way), but those situations are few.

Why do you think you are different than any other WS here? We all cheated. Some lost their spouse. Some didn't. Just because you lost your spouse doesn't mean that you have been a horrible person all your life.

I have done things that no normal person would do, and that starting young. I do not think I am horrible, but I do feel somehow defective. I hope that time will give me some perspective.

I miss him terribly. More than I miss our children. I often wonder if that's wrong.

I know it sounds simple but you can't undo anything that you have done. But you can control what you do in the future. That is really all that you can do. Maybe IC can help you process what all has happened in the past, but you can control what YOU do going forward.

All of us are pulling for you, you know? Please check in and let us know that you are ok.

OO

[This message edited by pichaku at 10:42 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]