SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope this isn't snarky... but if everything I did was so wrong and *displeasing* and caused him to seek elsewhere, why why WHY did he try so hard to turn her into another version of ME? I heard him tell her he wished she was like me, I've seen him mourne me. So, that kind of shows that it wasn't me, it wasn't my inability to be what he needed or wanted, it was HIS INABILITY TO SEE IT.

His mistake. I am not saying he created every problem in our marriage, I own the things I haven't done right. But this was him and it is his mistake to own.

Just gotta weigh in briefly.

1. I am a man.

2. IMHO, it is foolish to make generalizations about what "men" or "women" want or need.

3. IMHO, Dr. Laura is a disgusting misogynist.

4. This thread is entertaining. You're expressing yourselves creatively, SI!

I have not read the book, but have read reviews of it.

It seems to describe a throw-back-to-the-50's kind of W who primps and makes herself look 'pretty' all the time (wears dresses/hair done/make-up), dotes on her H, anticipating his every need, cooking/feeding/cleaning/caring for the children, with constant attention to his comfort, wants, needs including being ready for sex whenever he is.

(Correct me if I have misinterpreted the book...cause I may have.)

My question to the men out there who feel this describes an ideal W:

While you were dating your W, did she indicate that this is the kind of W she would be?

For those who lived with their W's before getting M'd, is this how she conducted herself while living together?

I guess my point is this: I imagine that most men, while dating and pre-M, were with women who were NOT cut from this throw-back-to-the-50's mold. So...did you expect them to change after M into this version of dream W?

I am just considering myself here and my situation. I never wore dresses for the 6 years we dated, yet, THAT was exactly a HUGE complaint my WH aired during MC...that I "never wear dresses." So, I guess that was 'my bad'...or so the book would have me think. But, the way I see it is that my WH KNEW exactly the 'kind' of W I would be...not the dress-wearin' kind...and he M'd me anyway.

HE asked me to marry him.

So...what gives?

'Who' I was while dating...is the same person my WH M'd...and is still, for the most part, 'who' I am today.

WHY would any woman be expected to CHANGE into this 50's woman? It would be such a personal overhaul that, in the forced change, she would certainly lose herself...who she really is.

No thanks.

I really think that this book feeds into a BS's feelings that somehow they are at fault for an A.

In my own case, I tried to be a loving and supportive spouse. I stayed home with my babies until they were school age. If I hadn't started contributing to the family income at that time, we would never have been able to own our own home. But, even though I was working full time, I still was responsible for the children, the cooking, the cleaning, and yes I was ready for sex ANY time he wanted it. I did NOT lack in those areas.

I had girlfriends, but my family always came first. I did not spend frivously. I thought we had a solid marriage - there was no fighting. Afer 24 years he had a MLC and an A. He cheated on me, beytrayed my trust, and divorced me.

When I pitifully asked him what I did wrong, what I could do to make it better, he said, "nothing." He never blamed me - he always said I was a good wife and partner - he just "fell in love" with someone else.

So it is HIGHLY offensive to me that I was somehow to blame for this. I was not perfect and neither was he, but I did NOT deserve this and I wasn NOT responsible for it.

NL

SouthernGal

Too me, if you did all those things to meet all your man's needs and he somehow took advantage of you. Then I simply say.. he is a bad man. It had nothing to do with your effort. In fact, you did all the right things and that shows you to be a woman of strength and character. You should be proud of that fact IMO. You cannot control the choices and decision others make. But you can control dumping a bad man and finding one that does follow the Law of Reciprocity. There are good men available.

Right. So basically you are saying that if you do all the 'right' things (according to this moron's book anyway) and he STILL cheats, then it's your fault for making a poor choice of spouse.

You must be such a prize catch.

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, No book needed for me.

I was actually raised by my aunt who subscribed to all these misconceptions and many, many more!!!!! She was raised to believe that a woman wasn't really worth much without a man, even if he cheated. I got told at age 14 that men are selfish, and that they will cheat so I just better accept it. My uncle was a serial cheater for most of their marriage and she always took the blame because she had a hysterectomy in her 20's, and couldn't bear his children. Selfish bastard continued to cheat on her anyway. She said she always felt like less of a woman to him and that's what drove him to do it.

Today I am only 48 years old but you can believe it has taken me a good 20+ years to shed this filthy coat of garbage I've been wearing about how men, marriages and love are supposed to be.

One more story to share. Women in my family have pretty horrific tempers and it's well-known among my mother's side of the family. Once, I snapped and had one of these famous meltdowns in front of my kids and it scared me and them terribly. I pulled myself together, calmed down, apologized to my kids and then went to call my aunt. When I described to her what had happened to me and did this ever happen to her, she replied AND I QUOTE "you know what honey, you need your ex to slap the shit out of you the next time you do that because you should know better than to act that way"!!!! No physical abuse or any such thing happened that day, just a really loud, angry outburst on my part.

Wow, it's a wonder I'm not in jail for assault!

The advice in her book basically consists of "Feed your husband good food, stroke his ego regularly, act like a simpering helpless fool in order to make him feel strong and important ... OH! And never deny him sex."

Didn't work for me:) I did all these things and he still cheated.