SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The Investigative Tips Forum will get unlocked for you if you have 50 legitimate posts. I think it actually opens up when your 51st post posts, but I can't remember that was a long time ago for me.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:54 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

Ok, I think this should make 51.

I'm really hurting. At my husbands request, I'm going to test the underwear. Its only 300 dollars and he's pushing it. It requires me to send them into a lab. There is a lab in my town called EMSL but they said it takes 2 weeks and I have to send to NJ. I'm so sick over this. The woman that answered and heard me was very very professional, the man that she transfered me to, started laughing when he heard the stain was on his underwear. Its like he already made up his mind. I don't think he's the tester, however it just gave the company a bad face and made me feel that I even have 1 less person.

My sister in this state and BIL don't want to know anything about this, the pastors wife got back to me and said that its beyond her and can't help me, I'm so sick.

I honestly just wish I were dead. I'm NOT strong, I have NO money I can't take care of myself and my kids. I'm just going to end up on the f-ing street and my husband will get the kids, the house, and live a great life. I feel victimized all over again.

I know that some say leave the underwear alone. He wants to have them tested, if I don't he will so I'm just humoring him. I feel sick. I'm light headed. I just hate life right now.

(((itsovernow))) Many of us understand your feelings of despair. It all seems like too much to bear right now, too overwhelming. Sweetie, you WILL be okay! Your life IS worth living!!I know it doesn't seem it right now.itsovernow, lean on us and consider us family and friends. We really do care about you. We will do all we can to hold you up, to guide you, and to support you.

(((((hugs))))

He isn't physically abusing me or the kids. I just wanted to make that clear to everyone, however I know that emotional abuse is bad too.

No. Emotional abuse is WORSE. It kills your spirit and can take years and therapy to heal it, where physical abuse generally heals a bit quicker.

I'm NOT strong,

Yes you are . You just don't know it yet, but I guarantee that strength is in there. I see the fight in your words. You are not ready to give up, even though you say it and feel that way sometimes. I can feel your strength coming through. You may not think you have it, but you do. And you will harness it for your children.

I have NO money

You should get a good amount of child support (again talk to a lawyer!!!). You have 5 children and are a SAHM with no visible means of support. The courts do take that into account.

I can't take care of myself

and my kids.

You are already doing this. You are protecting yourself and your children from a controlling and abusive spouse. You have learned how to manage your life and to keep your children safe, how to dance around your spouse, and how to walk on eggshells and give him what he needs to keep as much peace as possible. He has you feeling you are helpless because he shadows you everywhere you go. He has beat you down with his words so much that you may feel that you cannot live on your own, but that is because he has brainwashed you.

Please please call a shelter and talk to someone there. You are smart. You will find a way. They will help you form an exit plan for when you ARE ready to leave and not before. They can give you shelter and help you get counseling (This is a MUST!!! I had PTSD from my abusive ex. The counseling helped me a lot!)

I know you are scared. One step at a time here. No one is going to make you leave before you are ready. Right now it seems your husband holds all the cards. What do you do when he is at work? You should have some time there to start taking care of yourself and educating yourself on your rights and how to be safe. You are not safe right now. Even though you are appeasing him, it does not sound like he is terribly stable and who knows what may set him off?

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:52 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

I understand your fear. And the feeling of being trapped. Im a SAHM,no money of my own,no close friends,and my family is as fucked up as they come. I have no one to rely on either. It's scary.

I know what you're thinking. getting out is way easier said than done. You have 5 kids depending on you to make sure they are provided for. Child support is great,but you have to file,get a court date,go to court,and then actually getting the child support can be difficult. In the meantime,you still have to feed your kids.

I DO understand. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I get where you're coming from. I felt trapped too,in the beginning. My FWS was abusive during the first few years of marriage and was a bully for many years. he still is sometimes.

I dont have any advice for you at the moment. Just understanding.

((((itsovernow))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:15 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

Thank you. I do think of you all as my family, thats why I come on so much now.

I felt like I had to shut off after the phone call with the lab and a phone call I had with my husband at lunch time. He was yelling so loud that even with the phone turned all the way down, my daughter was stirring around. They were trying to sleep and I was trying to sleep too. I just feel like I needed to shut down for a while. My husband was screaming at me about not finding a lab to test his nasty underwear already. He was saying it had already been 5 days and I haven't done anything. He knew at 11 somthing when I called him I had found a place, had the paper work sent to my computer, but I have to print out the forms and send them back with the dirty nasty underwear. I felt very humiliated about the guy laughing. He was probably just laughing because it looks so bad for my husband right now.

I also called someone earlier in the week that didn't return my call. I feel sick over this.

I kept jerking awake while I was trying to sleep and all I could see in my head is all that garbage that I've been dealing with for the week. My husband really sees himself as the victim here.

Even IF and a big IF he was telling the truth, he has to be more sensitive about how this looks to me. He keeps saying that I just want a way out of my marriage. I told him I know where the door is if that is what I wanted. No one wants to go through this for fun.

If this is the way your huisband treats you, why wouldn't you want out of the marrage.

Even if he hadn't been unfaithful he sounds like a child of man you'd be better of without in the long run.

((itsovernow))

You ARE strong. Use your strength. Take as much strength from us as you can and find your voice.

How dare he treat you like your feeling have no value.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:20 PM, May 18th (Friday)]

So package up the underwear and get them sent off tonight when he comes home. Then at least its done with. Of course you'll have to listen to him rant for 2 weeks till the results come back.

Are these labs sure that they can test them and get a definitive result after they were washed? It would be a shame to spend $300 for an inconclusive result.

Hang in. You should unplug the phone and try to sleep if you can.

I hope you called the attorney, if nothing else, to find out what you can legally do at this moment.

I don't understand why he wouldn't be devastated that you think he's having an A. Reading your posts, he sounds like a not so nice person (and guilty).

Why are you putting up with this? Do you not have access to any funds? Are you afraid of him?

I can almost guarantee that if you stand up for yourself, draw your line in the sand, and ask him point blank if wants to remain married and a father to his kids, he'll back down. He's being a bully, a scary one.

There is help for you and the kids, begin making calls. Ask people close to you where to begin.

You do not deserve, nor are you required, to be verbally abused. There are resources, and you will be stronger for it.

But first you need to help yourself. You can do this.

XXOO

I am sorry, so sorry, that things have been rough.

A suggestion ... skip the damn underwear testing. Suggest that he take a polygraph.

See what he says. I'd be interested in hearing it.

It could be or it might not be lipstick.

One thing is for certain, a loving husband would be trying to comfort you- even if he was innocent. He would see you hurting and while there might be anger there, there would be concern too.

It's been washed twice, I would guess testing will be inconclusive. Best option would be a keylogger and/or VAR. Though the threat of polygraph seems to get a parking lot confession- but the actual polygraph results usually cause a WS to gaslight and harp on unreliability.

I am so sorry he's not being a loving husband even if he is being faithful. Everyone deserves to be treated with love by their spouse. Don't accept that you're any different.

just want to offer (((hugs)))!

after two washings, doubt test results would be accurate and agree waste of $. he knows this

also agree on polygraph . what do you think he'd say to that instead??

(((hugs!!!)))

He said he'd take a polygraph. He has always said that. I'm the one that thinks they're not very realiable. I've seen many ID mystery crime shows in which the people take the test, but its not admissable in court because they're not 100%. Also, one guy actually passed it and was guilty. They explaination is that if a person thinks they are right, they will pass it.

I wouldn't totally rule it out though.

He has had his moment in the last couple of days in which he acknoweledged its hard for me too, but then he snaps right back to himself and how this is affecting him.

I have been standing up for myself a lot more and pointing out when he insults me and telling him its NOT alright. Sometimes he will say he's sorry(maybe 2 times) and other times he will say that its my "new internet lingo".

I really don't know what to think.

Yes, they've been washed twice, however whatever is in them is still in them. He claims they haven't changed since the first time he saw them like that. As far as I know they were only washed 1 time, but not dried.

Who knows what the truth is.

Why are you putting up with this? Do you not have access to any funds? Are you afraid of him? I can almost guarantee that if you stand up for yourself, draw your line in the sand, and ask him point blank if wants to remain married and a father to his kids, he'll back down. He's being a bully, a scary one.

Hi, I have complete access to the bank accounts, my name is on them, however I only use grocery money or gas money. I never take it for anything else. He has a way of making me feel guilty if I use too much even for groceries. I try to tell him I cannot feed a family of 7 on less then 100 bucks a week. Its hard because when I buy diapers or other things, it skyrockets. I let him go and get the diapers so he knows how much they are. He gets them, but it seems that when I need other things like wipes or cream for them he fusses about the price. Its like he makes me reluctant to ask for what I need for the kids and for myself, I don't bother. He says, once the money is gone, its gone.

I'm not physically scared of him anymore. I am scared of what he may do in a divorce situation, though. I'm terrified to even start something like that.

A lot of me doesn't want to be without him because so much of me has been invested with him for over half my life.

I asked him if he wants to be married to me. He said he doesn't want a divorce, he seemed very sincere about that. I think he loves me but I think we are BOTH co-dependant on eachother because its been so long. Especailly me being co-dependant on him.

I will be completely honest. Even with everything over the past 18 years. I'm scared to death to be without him. I don't even know if its love or just something else. I admit, I need help and I need a private counselor that may be able to do marriage counseling too if I stay here and even if I choose to leave. I think that this coming week, my goal will be to find a nice counselor for myself. I have a dr. that prescribes, but thats all he does.

And to answer what you said about him being a bully, I do agree that he talks over me and it seems like he verbally beats me into a corner so that I'm quiet.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 11:14 AM, May 19th (Saturday)]

((itsovernow))

Your story is very sad. Somehow, somewhere, you have got to get your self esteem back.

((itsovernow))

Your story is very sad. Somehow, somewhere, you have got to get your self esteem back.

I used to have a rockin' self esteem before I met him and while we were dating. I felt pretty, I felt the world was before my feet and I could master it. I had dreams. I can sing, I used to ice skate, I could write poetry. I really felt I could do anything. In some ways that feeling is still there. I've taken up hobbies like working with polymer clay. I have a store on Etsy, but have NEVER put anything in it since I'm not confident enough. I was 16 when I married so I didn't finish highschool traditionally, but I did do it! I was almost 20 but I did it. I also took out student loans and went to Thomas Edison State College(its an online college for adult learners 21 and up)

I started as a journalism major, went to psychology, and am a social science history major with 1 math class to go. However, its been years, my financial aid has run out and I owe a fortune.

Oh gosh, he's home from work, time to clear history and go.

Thanks to all of you that have been there. I'm going to check out a site that another member gave me(thanks fourever)

I will also look into private counseling for myself and possibly marriage counseling too even if it ends up just being for the kids. We need to learn how to get along even if we do get a divorce.

Against many members advice, I'm sending the underwear to be tested. This is at my husbands insistance.

Its been a hard weekend. A lot of on and offs. He has tried to hug me alot, which sometimes I let him and sometimes I didn't, he had his moments that he was understanding and other moments that he was a total twit telling me that I just want every women's dream, to get a divorce and have the man pay forever.

Yep, thats it, I'm after his millions!! Its not laughable but if I don't laugh sometimes I will just cry. I just don't get why he thinks I want this. I don't know what his motives are.

I don't know what his motives are.

This whole thing just seems very strange to me. I don't 'get it' either.

But, I can tell you this much, if he has cheated in the past, and he treats you the way you say he does, I believe I would be figuring out a way to leave his ass.

I noticed a few years ago that my husband would sit at the dining table while I cleaned up the kitchen and say things like "I'm just a paycheck to you" "You just want my money, you're not attracted to me, me, me!!!"

Well, he was so mean to me and my kids and I withdrew.

He wasn't giving to our relationship, except financially.

He MADE himself the paycheck, only. He did this by being a mean, lying, cheating, abusive asshole.

Sort of like your husband is acting.

I'm so GLAD that you recognize your talents and strengths. Use them.

I would take that Discover card and charge my last college class. You only have one to go. DO IT! That will help to empower you although I doubt your husband wants you to have your degree. He can't control you that way.

I wish the best for you. Please keep us posted!!

"I'm just a paycheck to you" "You just want my money, you're not attracted to me, me, me!!!"

I had to make sure that I didn't write this. He says that to me all the time. It made me feel so low, like I was just a dependent worm. I have to remind him that WE have 5 kids together that he is the one that doesn't want me to work. When I have told him I would work in the evening, he tells me there is no point in being married, then. I don't get it.

When my WH would say I was just with him for his money, my response was, "then give me some other reason to want to be with you." I can't believe I put up with all the abuse he used to dish out. Things have changed since he quit drinking.