SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to thank everyone who has posted a comment on this thread for all of your kind words and encouragement. It was a very difficult letter to compose and more than a bit uncomfortable for me to share with everyone here.

I feel like I need to clarify or add on to what I wrote last July. When I wrote this letter it was driven by panic that DWBH was going to leave me. The A and subsequently the relationship with, who I considered at the time, my two best friends in the world had just ended abruptly two months before. I was very confused and very lost. I spent 2 days composing the letter you have all read. I had one person I was confiding in other than my IC. At that time I really had no idea what I was in for. I could not begin to fathom how my actions had affected DWBH or how they would affect the rest of our lives. I was still in the fog to some degree. It would take many months to fully realize how far reaching those actions were. It literally affected, and to some extent still affects every aspect of my life. Every relationship I have with every friend and family member. Weather they know about the A or not. It is actually easier to hang out with those that know which is something I never would have expected at the beginning when I was afraid everyone would shun me.

But what I really want to address is the fact that this letter was certainly not the end-all be-all fix for our M. This was the very first step in my admitting that I had done something to hurt DWBH. It was like recounting the timeline of events and looking at them from the outside and seeing how horrible it all sounded. It allowed me to step back and see from a different perspective what I had become. I was always the stable one within my circle of family and friends. The good daughter, sister, mother, friend, wife. I was the one who had my shit together. It was a very shocking realization to me that I had fucked up so badly. I had always believed that I was good. That I could never do anything to truly hurt someone else.

For a long time this would drive me to a deep sense of shame. The shamed feeling would cause me to shut down and become defensive. As all of you veteran WS out there know this was the absolute worst response I could have for DWBH. We went round and round with this and still do some months when my PMS makes me crazy.

What I think I have finally come to terms with though is that I can feel guilt without feeling shame. I am not a bad person. I was extremely selfish and took what I felt I needed at the time. I was lacking something and for some reason at that moment in time I decided what I needed was more important than anything or anyone else. I took that step that I didn’t even see and crossed the line. I convinced myself that MOM was my very best friend. That he understood me better than anyone ever had. Somehow that made it all OK.

Unfortunately now I can see how misguided this was. It took months to realize. That fantasy world is a hard one to shatter. I credit DWBH with the majority of it’s destruction. He was so persistent. He fought for us like crazy. I know he still struggles daily with negative thoughts and coming to terms with his sacrifices but I honestly don’t know what would have become of me had he not been as persistent as he was. He forced the NC. He forced the IC and the MC. He badgered me into reading on SI and joining. He strongly encouraged me to read NJF, which by the way was huge in making those initial cracks in the fantasy world. If he had not taken all of these steps we would now be D. I am convinced. Instead we talk multiple times a day while at work, spend every evening together, spend every weekend together, have a good talk about the A and any thoughts that have come up or dreams we have had at least once a week, are planning a family vacation to Mexico, and basically enjoy spending as much time together as we can. We are best friends in every sense. Sorry this has gotten so long-winded. I’ll stop it here. Thanks again for all the kind words and all of the support everyone here has shown DWBH over the many months.

He was so persistent. He fought for us like crazy. I know he still struggles daily with negative thoughts and coming to terms with his sacrifices but I honestly don’t know what would have become of me had he not been as persistent as he was.

I'm sure this is/was exhausting for him but he kept on pushing forward. There may come a time when it will catch up with him. The fatigue of this marathon will hit him to his core and when it does (assuming it hasn't fully done so already) it will make those questions of "Why did I fight so hard for R? Was it worth it (when I feel like this)? Why? Why? Why?" ring in his head like an echo from hell. That's when he will need you the most.

Thanks for the original post and the update. So many of us wish we could have had a WS who made half as much effort while we hung on as long as we could. At least I can pretend now what that letter would have looked like.

Wow, ThornyRose, that must have been very emotionally draining to write. My H has apologised many, many times, but not anything close to that. After reading your list of things you are soyrry for, it is now clear to me that this is something that I have needed from my H, but haven't been able to articulate. Thank you for the courage you had in sharing.