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My BH asked me today if I'd be willing to come grovelling on my hands and knees, crying, begging for forgiveness, everyday, for three years. He then followed up with asking what I'm willing to give up. I don't know what to think. What types of restitution have you all gave? BS's, what types of restitution have you demanded?

I never demanded restitution from my fWW. In fact, many days I feel she has reaped the benefits of a happier marriage as a result of her actions. My wife confessed. Once the affair went physical she became ill. Throwing up. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I am not sure I could have punished her anymore than she was punishing herself. Our reconciliation is based on one simple boundary I asked her to live by: never do anything that you would be ashamed for our children to find out. So far so good.

Consequences I understand.

There is a difference between consequences and punishment.

Mr. Aubrie has never "punished" me. He has never demanded anything out of the "norm" from me. Would it really make him feel better to see me walk across hot coals barefoot or crawl thru broken glass? Would it take away the hurt and trauma to see me in physical pain or agony? Not in the least.

Would I do those things if it would take his pain away? In a second. But we both know that realistically, it's not going to change anything.

I give my husband honesty, transparency, communication, private time, affection, consistency. He's asked I make a couple changes that we both know will help me as an individual in the long run. He's asked I get a grip and make a financial plan. He's asked that I start taking care of my body. Diet change, exercise, supplements. All the things I am doing are healthy, positive changes and actions.

He's not beating me over the head with my past actions because he knows I'm doing that to myself enough as it is. Nothing we do will make it all better YoungMistakes. Nothing we do will take the hurt completely away.

If my husband takes on the mindset that I have to be "punished" for my mistakes, it could/would lead to resentment. Because where do you draw the line? At what point is enough, enough? How can we (both of us) possibly become healthier people when we are beating each other up over crap?

This isn't coming out how it's in my head. I hope you are able to see what I'm trying to say.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:55 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

My BH asked me today if I'd be willing to

He then followed up with asking what I'm willing to

I don't think any of these are literal requests. I may be wrong, but I think this is more about him wanting to know what your state of mind is, and how important he is to you.

See my tagline for the disclaimer.

I haven't punished my husband. I have made him faced what he did...meaning he had to look at all the ways he betrayed me. He punishes himself enough. He has to live with what he did. I asked him to follow the same boundaries that I follow and no secrets. I don't ask for anymore than I am willing to do myself. If your d day is recent he will ask for all kinds of things mainly just to see how far you are willing to go for him. To show him how much he means.He most likely does not even want them.

My wife's punishment is her own guilt and remorse.

Leading up to and especially during her A she seemingly lost her mind (for us it's complicated) and has since been very hard on herself.

All I expect is a better her, just as I'm trying to be a better me. Punishing her further than she already is to herself would be fruitless and counter productive to us having a better marriage going forward.

I understand the sentiment of "what would you do to make this up to me, what lengths would you go to?". And honestly, I believe she'd do absolutely anything. I don't need her to. Knowing that helps enough. Seeing the positive change and effort in her is good enough for me.

Not sure if I would call it punishment... maybe restitution? Although, I do not believe that there could ever be full restituion in a betrayal situation.

The chances to create resentment with a request like that are pretty high... I think a "good" WS knows what needs to be done and/or offered to the BS to help make things whole...

I punish my WH daily by repeating what he did, if I am being very mean I repeat what he did and put myself in the main character with another OM.

@youngmistake Like your BS I also feel that my WH should be on his knees every day asking for my forgiveness and putting my needs at all time first. I know it's a ridiculous statement, but I still feel that is what he should do....

Our circumstances though are a bit different as our M was close to perfect when he had his A and after that he treated me like a doormat for 3 months (so I was on my knees asking what I could do for him most days) and even worse after he left... so I feel that for him to truly make it up to me, he should jump when I say jump and make sure he is a shield from everything that might hurt me.

Unfortunately he can't shield me from himself.

The problem with punishment and restitution is that there's really nothing that will make up for what was done. Let's say you did grovel at his feet for three years. Would that magically make it all go away? Probably not.

This is something many BS's struggle with. In the end, for me at least, seeing my wife work on herself and get healthy was what made it better.

My BH punished me by having a RA. You can only imagine how that worked out. I viewed many of his behaviors post DD as punishing, and would tell him so when they occurred. He has moved away from those behaviors and now we can talk. Punishing is not the path to R and achieves nothing toward healing and recovery. It is positive reinforcement and encouragement that bring people to a better place, not constant berating and chastizing.

One of the infidelity books I read, I think it was "After the Affair". has a list of possible consequences. I also prefer the word "consequences" to "punishment". These consequeces can be thought of as ACTIONS that the WH can undertake to help show their remorse.

As I recall, the book listed possible consequences ranging from milder to more serious.

(It's also possible I saw this in Not Just Friends.)

As I recall, the milder ones were things like "account for your time", "share all passwords", "share bank statements and phone records".

The more serious ones may have been things like "confess and apologize to family and friends", "get a new job", "move", "put money in an account just for the BS", "sign a post-nuptial agreement".

Your BH may have the feeling that "you got to have sex outside the marriage", so what does he get in compensation? That may not be the healthiest attitude.

Then again, he may be thinking that he gave you total trust and freedom, and you didn't have to account for your whereabout and actions to him. Obviously that didn't turn out well for him. He may be asking whether you are willing to give up your freedom to do whatever you please without regard to his feelings.

I think your BH was not asking you to physically grovel at his feet. He probably wants to know if you are willing to do the work it requires to get past the affair. And yes, you should be apologizing as much as you can. Even if he shrugs the apologies off, keep saying it with feeling.

As a BS I can tell you that seeing my FWH breakdown and cry showed me that he realized the devistation that I am/was feeling. He has given up any right to privacy until further notice. I reserve the right to check on him anytime and anyplace. That does not mean that I do.

If you are going for a full reconciliation, then listen to all he has to say. Try to fullfill his needs. Hold him when he cries and don't be afraid to cry in front of him. Let him know that you are aware of screwed up mess you created, how you got there and what you are going to do to fix that. Realize that you should respect bounderies ie no lunches, hidden texts/emails or phone calls with other men.

The only true punishment my FWH will receive is based upon his actions. One more inappropriate relationship and I am gone.

Oh and I did kick him when I found out he kissed the OW. But the true pain he experienced was seeing me crumble and cry. Not silent tears, but full on sobbing.

A WWS have devistated our world, now you have to decide if you are going to pick him up, walk together and rebuild your marriage or walk away and leave him lying there. The choice is yours.

As a BH just a little over 1.5 years out from Dday, I agree with many of the responses, I don't think he is making a literal request. I think he's the drowning man grasping for ANYTHING.

Anything to make the horror of what his life has become at present go away. Anything to minimize the blow to his humanity ( not to mention his manhood ) and return some sort of normallacy to his world. Anything to try and get some measure of what your commitment to him(and the M) is now.

***If he is being literal, you might want to be a little careful what you agree to.***

YoungMistakes83, your BH was issuing a metaphor regarding the three-year groveling. It was a 'request' for you to come up with the restitutions, all of which don't specifically matter. What 'types' (too keep using your words) is not important, cliche time.....it's the thought that counts.

My affair was 10 years ago. He was told back then and we went through a year and a half of rougher times. I thought that was our healing. He never processed his emotions and wants to start r again. I don't know what to do.

My affair was 10 years ago

That is a long time for one to carry inside... like a tumor growing silently.

I would think that there is something that is triggering your H to behave this way. It seems that he is feeling the need to be in control and the only ways he (thinks) he has is by controlling you via creating your current state of mind.

After 10 years, does he feel safe with you? Is something bothering him (e.g., poor boundaries on your side, etc.)? I would look at what is happening to your relation to find answers.

Good luck!

Certainly something has triggered it. Not sure how you dealt with it 10 years ago, or if you really dealt with it then or just went through rougher times.

There may be something about your behaviour now that is a trigger.

There may be someone he knows going through it now, or having an A, that is making him look back and relive it all.

There may even be someone that is tempting him to have an A, and in either rejecting it or considering it he is thinking back to yours and how much it hurt and how it was handled.

There may even just be a new jerk at work that has the same name or reminds him in some way of your AP.

You need to find a way to have a non confrontational discussion with him about what is bringing this up.

He triggered 5+ months ago after seeing coworkers start an affair. He says that he's been numb for 10 years and just shut down all of his emotions. (This incredibly hurts me as I thought we had a really good solid marriage and we had another child together) Now that he's triggered we've been trying to deal w/ everything. We've seen 4 IC/MC's and they all say it's been so long he needs to let go and work on the marriage. They also give him assignments and recommend books that he ignores. I know I'm not perfect and haven't done everything right(I TT'd him recently), and he's been hurtful back. I feel like we're just ruining each other and I don't know what to do. My anger and resentment is building and I don't know how to stop it. He says he thinks about having a RA (he assures me he would never do that) and that I "got one over on him." Then he tells me this this morning. He then gets a notice on his phone and says "oh, I got a sext." He admits it was to hurt me and said he was sorry.

[This message edited by YoungMistakes83 at 3:27 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

I agree that I don't think he meant that literally. But as a BS I hurt every day. And I feel like I have sacrificed my pride and values by staying married. I am aware of it every day, all day. There is NO rest, NO peace and will probably never be.

WH felt "bad" for a couple of weeks. Which he believes is all he needed to do, believes he suffered enough. I have to admit that it would feel reassuring, validating and more like equal partners in recovery if he were willing to take on even a little piece of the pain that I am feeling on a consistent basis.

It would let me know he "got it."

Maybe your BS has been hurting for the last 10 years but been silent. Maybe he is tired of carrying his pain and just wants to believe that you would take some of the burden off of him if you could. Maybe he just wants to know that you "get it" and won't do it again. It seems to me that he might need some reassurance.

There is a difference between wanting reassurance/support and wanting to punish you. There are many things you can do to show your BH that you support his healing and you are remorseful. However, if he has the perspective that you need to be punished things can get out of control. I say this because up to about a month ago my BH had a punishing attitude. He wanted to not only show me his hurt, but he wanted to hurt me back. He said many things and did things (talk to other women, rage, break things) as a way of lashing out at me in anger. I know he was in extreme pain but he also made comments that indicated that he wanted me to be punished for my behavior. He didn't directly say it but he made comments.

I allowed myself to be punished because I have an issue with punishing myself because I never feel good enough and I feel I deserve to be punished (FOO issues). The last time he raged it was very scary. I never want to go through another night like that. I won't stay and allow myself to be punished. If it happens again I will go stay with my parents or friend for a night. Before, I had put up with it because I felt I deserved it and because I was scared he would hurt himself. But what he does is his choice. I cannot stop him from hurting himself and I don't deserve to be punished.

Maybe your BH does not have a punishing attitude about your behavior. Maybe he just wants to know how much you are commited to him and he needs reassurance. Only you can know this.