SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was absolutely distraught and had no clue what to do.

I told an old very good mutual friend of ours about it, and she was a great source of information, advice and just someone to vent to. If not for her I very much question if I'd have made it through those first couple weeks. She's also since in the past few months been a great help for me mentally to cope with this stuff. Her previous partner to her husband cheated on her shamelessly so she has experience.

I told an old friend of my wife's, no real details. She just knows something happened. Kind of regret that, but I was desperate for anyone to talk to the day after D-Day sitting here alone .

Told my father which I both regret and don't, but it was a necessary evil at the time and there's likely no way to have gone on without him knowing. He also apparently suspected it with the way fWW was acting. He was a great support to lean on, but I regret it mainly since he's been a dick about me staying with her.

I also vaguely told my sister and brother in law I hadn't spoken to in a couple years because my sister cheated on him and they've stayed together for the past 7 years (together over 22). Thought they may care about me and give me insight into what to do to survive. That was pointless and a mistake. I haven't even heard from them since. Don't know why I even thought they'd help.

I also told my wife's sister. Mainly because I was concerned about my daughter's future with family since I don't have much anymore, and didn't know what was going to happen to us at the time. This was a big mistake as well. My fWW's idiot BIL was cracking not to subtle jokes only a few days later about infidelity. Great family.

And I also told a total stranger to me. It was the long term partner of not my wife's AP, but of another man. They mostly just started texting very sexual stuff while my fWW's A with the OM was in full swing. I sent her the texts her partner had with my wife, and asked if they knew anything of the OM so I could try to contact his BS. Got nothing out of it. Don't regret that.

So yeah, told a fair few people. And I don't necessarily care. I was distraught and desperate for anyone to help me at any cost. I was a lot more concerned about my mental well being than my wife's reputation. Most of the people I told are friends of the marriage anyways and I only told people who had a vested interest in actually liking my wife. And in all honesty, it was a bit of a way to shame her ad help prevent her from rugsweeping or trying to pretend it didn't happen.

I'm too easy to read and I wear my emotions visibly on my sleeve. I'd have trouble keeping this sort of thing to myself.

[This message edited by VD2012 at 8:38 AM, August 19th (Sunday)]

We work together, and for several months after i found out, i kept my mouth shut. Lost 60 lbs, and i aint overweight, had to make up excuses for weight lose, but then she moved out while i was at work on a weekend,, and monday, when the regular staff was back, i couldnt hold it in any longer. When everyone asks " how was your weekend" it's very difficult not to reply" it really sucked, my wife( ya'lls esteemed co-worker and mine) moved out and has been having an affair for the last 8 months with a oompa loompa power company pole climber" ,, so that's exactly how I replied. I felt better , and it put the heat on her

Only a counselor. Years ago a very wise woman told me to guard what I told my friends and family about our marriage, especially hurts by my husband. Her quote was "you may chose to forgive, but your daddy will never ever forget or forgive him if he hurts you".

It has been hard. We also had to keep quiet due to WH job, board positions, and on advice of our MC. The OW is a bunny boiler bitch who is a sociopath. As the MC put it, absolute NC as well as no admission was needed to strangle the A as well as protect us. We went quiet in hopes she would move on. Other than a few weird sightings, a few emails to us and a couple of gifts left at office, she seems to have gone happily on with her life.(that's another issue in itself). We cut the supply to her ego. Our MC said any attention to the A would have fed her, even negative attention.

I really wish we could have told everyone, but we are quietly dealing with the pain.

I haven't told anyone. I don't know why, but we are a perfect couple in front of everybody. I don't feel like to ruin it. At the same time, I feel like telling might help me alleviate the pain. The only ones I talked to is the OW, I also emailed her mom, and I told you all here at SI. Thats it! I could really use some real hugs and I do need a shoulder to cry on.

I told too many...even the clerk at 7-11...I was simply in shock. I wish not so many people know but I amalso glad they do. Those IRL who know us both offer valuable insight based on our personalities and just knowledge. SI offers insight based on BTDT.

I wish I never had anything to tell anyone....but I'm sure we all wish that.

Told my best friend and neighbour, who watched my back, was there for me in the dark times, drank wine to celebrate with me when I thought we were in R, and to cry with me when he left. In the first couple of weeks I thought if I told no-one the nightmare would go away... but telling people I trusted literally saved my life. Oh, and The Samaritans... talked to them lots. Never thought I'd need them, used to be one... they are amazing and again, saved my life when WH was out with OW until 5am and I was pretending everything was ok to the kids. Please seek strength from others in this awful time, it will get you through. In my first DDay, just after I was married, I told no-one. Wish I had - they would have told me to leave.

Everyone and then some, family, friends, and basically anyone who would listen. It became a sort of cleansing for me and a punishment for h. H's whore was and still lives two houses from us with her family. As humiliating as it was, I told everyone in the neighborhood to spare them the pain I got. As it stood the whore ended up fucking the guy across the street and tried with a guy u the street.

I DO NOT regret telling everyone and to this day eight years out I still bring it up to whomever wants to know about it. H and the bitch threw me into this hell without ever giving two shits anything but themselves. Like my h tells me all of the time, "it is what it is" - that is true for both sides.

This is another reason I am always telling the newbies to get all the concrete evidence they can drum up and then rat both cheaters out to the other BS. So very important to do in my opinion.

In order told.

My IC

A good old friend who doesn't really cross into the circle of our marriage.

A work friend

The OBS...

Encouraging my WS to tell someone just so she has someone to talk to besides me. She's ready for IC but hasn't admitted it yet. Trying to be patient on this front.

Well I told all of our friends ...I found out on the night of my b- day and had a pool party planned on that day so I had to cancel the invite witch I did via evite but they all started calling so I told them I was too distraught and wasn't thinking the OW was a so called friend and guess what happened they all took her side so to say I mean no one reached out to me afterward they just continued hanging out with he until this day I am still mad about it .the funny thing is that yesterday I to an email invite for a happy hour and I happen to know the OW will be out of town ha ...so I am option 2 only get an invite when she is not around well I don't need anyone .just keep my head hight and screw the rest

When I first started suspecting and even when I had evidence I told no one. Then, three days before I confronted them both, my best friend came down to visit us. Even though I had talked to her on the phone before, I had told her nothing.

Then, on the way home from the airport, I told her what was going on. This was the best thing I could have done for myself. She has been there for me since that day. She has spent hours listening to me and giving me precious advice. I would not have changed a thing.

Some of the people in their circles who had seen more than I will ever know, they seemed sympathetic and oh... so understanding after the fact. Well, I did defend him to these people and told them nothing. I am sure these people thought I was either in denial or a total idiot for defending him. ( close call here)

So other than the forums and my best friend, no one else knows.

At first I only told my daughter because I wanted to reconcile. After the false reconcilliation I told my daughter and a friend of his threats to hit me and kill me. I sent them each emails that if something happened to me to make sure the cops got him. Then when I discovered that he was telling all of our friends and even our hairdresser that I left him because I didn't love him and that we were divorcing because I couldn't be friends with his whore I posted a message to him on Facebook. Not my greatest move but I was so pissed off. He was promising me we would reconcile while lying about me and telling everyone else we were getting a divorce. I left the message up for 12 hours then deleted it.

Once we got divorced I have told anyone who asks because I am tired of keeping his dirtly little secrets. I have no problem telling the old neighbors about what he has done. Right before our final hearing I discovered that he had cheated and done drugs when he was married the first time so I had that to show the judge when we went to court. I had sooo many pictures for that poor judge to see, I hope he was able to bleach his brain after seeing the filthy stuff my xwh posted on the internet.

I will gladly tell anyone who asks exactly what he did. He needs to deal with all that he did to me and to be honest and admit he is a bisexual cross dresser who uses drugs and gets addicted to cocaine. I won't lie for him anymore.

I first told HIS entire family and friends! I wanted them to know how much of a nasty, old goat he is! His whole family at just about shut him out. When I threw his ass out his own adult daughter said that he could not stay with her because she has a teen aged daughter and she did not want someone who would deal with prositutes to be in the same house as her daughter! That alone almost killed him.

I kept it to myself and only told one co-worker when I was being told there was nothing going on. That lasted almost two months. I started losing weight, being withdrawn at work, being short with people but not telling them why. My co-worker was asked many times what was going on. At one point some people came into my office to ask if I was fighting cancer! Yep, I lost that much weight. My colleague kept my confidence and told no one, just that I was going through a tough time. After I was told the EA was actually a PA, I realized I needed to make a decision. I deserve better than this! I called a family meeting, told my daughter we were getting a divorce (boy, did that open the WW eyes!) I then went and met with a college buddy of mine, he and I had a great talk. You can't underestimate the power of true friends. The next day (Friday) I called a meeting with all the people in my department. I came clean and told them the reason I was withdrawn. I also went and told my supervisors. Called a lawyer that was referred to me by my college buddy (great buddy when his sister, who is a lawyer, gave me the number of the lawyer she used for her divorce) and made an appt for the next Monday. Later that day, one of the supervisors I told earlier came down to meet me. He told me that 15 years earlier, he was in the exact same place I was now! Holy cow, I'm not a freak! Called my parents that night. Tough to tell your mother your wife is a cheater, but they knew what was going on the whole two months prior. I kept them in the loop.

It was the worst day, but also the best. I found who were my true friends.

[This message edited by Taildragger at 9:43 PM, August 19th (Sunday)]

I am six months out from discovering. At first I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid of my young sons finding out and I felt I was protecting them. I didn't tell any family in case somehow any reconciliation was possible I did not want the bitterness and awkwardness for the sake of the kids.

I kept it all to myself and planned to keep it that way.

Up until I was lied to one last time.

She claimed that she had had no contact with the affair guy at all. Then one day while driving back from dropping my son off at school - I had a gut feeling. I drove by the affair guys house and there was her car in the driveway.

I stopped, started pounding on the door yelling that she was a disgrace and was humiliating our children and yelling that he was a piece of shit who didn't care about what our kids were going through. After that confrontation, I let'er rip. I told her parents, my brother and my parents along with many who live on the affair guys street. Turns out almost all on his street thought he was a lowlife POS.

I had it all wrong about not telling people. The were only two people I had to protect my kids from - my shitbag WW and her shitbag affair guy.

So far her parents have been disgusted with her actions. They haven't spoken to her in a couple months. My parents and brother have been unbelievably supportive as well as the friends I have told.

There will be no reconciliation. I simply don't believe in it so I don't care how the rest of the people I have told view it. I have not one iota of shame regarding her decision to act like a total piece of shit. It will forever be her burden to bear.

And as we head into divorce, I plan on telling any one willing to listen and support.

A few weeks after d-day, I told my sister and EX told his mother. I thought we were in R, so I didn't want people to judge him or us.

D-Day #2. I told all my family and a lot of friends...since we were divorcing, I was amazed at how many people flat out asked if he was cheating on me. The second time around I also told MOW's husband (and his parent's via a voice mail).

I immediately told MOW BH.

Next I told IC.

MOW ho-workers boss.

That is it, nobody else and I have no regrets.

My IC first, about a week after D-Day because that was the earliest appointment I could get. Then the MC when we saw her 8/2.

The only other person I've told is my best friend at work. She's older than I and had a very bad husband, so I was sure she would understand how I was feeling.

Everyone. I went thecomplete exposure route. I told his mother, my parents, several of my friends who I knew would be my support network. I confronted the OW.

With this latest disclosure I've again told those who can support me, my parents, his mother, friends. His job loss was absolutely awful and blindsided me. Then the disclosure of two more PA's, I kind of went a bit batshit crazy there for a bit, even burning his clothes in the driveway. So...yeah.

Our oldest two also know about his affairs, and about his SA. Our oldest has to babysit sometimes for his SA or my S-anon meetings. Our second oldest has anxiety when there is undercurrents and if we explain things to him on an age appropriate level it helps him a lot.

Our younger 3 are too young to understand yet.

His mom, our pastor, and MC.

2 1/2 years out, I wish I hadn't told his mom because I found out. That her husband had been cheating on her too. Wish I didn't know that--they're a couple of rug sweepers.

Pretty lonely going though.

TXBW68...I laughed when I read your post, as I had a Walmart melt down myself! A customer, a sales person, and a cashier ALL heard the story...as well as 2 girls at the ER vet I had to take my cat to in the middle of "discovery"! My Mom and Dad, and one of my sisters, and several (5-7) of my friends. I didn't set out to "share" with some of them, but the circumstances made it such that it felt better to just come clean and not pretend. I had to check MY ego at the door.

I did absolutely NOTHING wrong, and pretending like HE had done nothing wrong felt like I was protecting him somehow. The reality is, that if true R is going to happen, HE must make amends with not only me, but with all those that were hurt and disappointed by him purely because they love me...and him for that matter. My family considers him a son/brother...he has to fix things with them. It's part of the R process...plain and simple.

Does people knowing make me uncomfortable? Sure. Does it make HIM uncomfortable? Absolutely. But I will not allow secrets...which were a large part of the problem in the first place, destroy my mental health and well being.

Walmart might have been over the top, but at the time...I needed to vent, and God sent me willing ears and compassionate strangers to ease my way. I make no apologies for that.