SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LonelyHusband

That first paragraph totally made me laugh out loud. Thanks! I really really really needed that.

On DDay, when all the pieces were first coming together about the A, I told my long distance BFF. She'd never met WH, but she loves me enough to let me rant and cry, and didn't judge when I said I wanted him back. She also offered to beat him up, which made us both laugh (she's a 93 lb waif), and then she offered to marry me herself (she's gay). She is a great friend.

The neighbors found out that first night, at 11 pm when I put all his clothes/stuff on the porch in garbage bags, and then proceeded to smash his cell phone to bits with an ax in the driveway. I regret that one. Not because I made myself look crazy (I *was* crazy), but because I didn't really feel any better afterwards. (The same with shredding his shirts with my good sewing scissors. After about 10 shirts I felt more stupid than relieved.)

Then I told EVERYONE in HIS circle, even the *suspected* OW's voicemail. I was trying to get solid confirmation of the A, and my CSI interrogations of his friends (his alibis/partners in crime) pretty much let them know (if they didn't already) what was going on. They also knew how much I detested them, for encouraging the affair, and that if WH kept it up, he'd be camped out on their couches!

His friends called OW, and let her know that I knew, and that I was on the warpath. Within 12 hours, she drove up and dumped WH in the driveway, hiding her face from me. I heard her say, "Get it together with your wife." (I guess as far as OW go, she had a *smidgeon* of sense) I hear from *my* friends, who bump into her socially, that she's still scared of me. Good, because I'm still scary.

To this day, I've never told my mom. She doesn't much like WH anyway, and she wouldn't understand why I was "selling myself short" by trying to reconcile.

I initially told (in order) my father, a very close friend, and my mother. I needed somewhere to go and couldn't have survived without them. Later, I told another friend who could shed light on the OW and my doctor, who was a family friend. I have a circle of 15 girlfriends, and only 2 know. That's been difficult, but I'm not sure most would support reconciliation. It's still so, so lonely... every day.

(After DDay, my WS also told his mother, father, brother, and a couple close friends. It didn't really change much-- they treat him exactly the same, with the exception of extra attention and check-ins to make sure he's ok. Sigh.)

ETA: If he cheats again, all bets are off.

[This message edited by MyNewReality at 1:01 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday)]

Absolutely nobody, directly. Who could I possibly tell? Since the WW will not talk to me and I can't just keep it all to myself, the neighbors could not help but know. Not proud of the fact that they could not help but overhear conservations I had with myself outside the house.

I actually didn't really get to tell anyone. My WSO works for a company where the owner is a client/friend of my parents. So, after feeling suspicious, the owner looked through WSO's and MOW's email and found evidence - told my parents - and they told EVERYONE . I cannot name a single person in my life who does not know. This has made it MUCH more difficult. Every day I wish that I was going through this with just him me and our therapists. People who have not gone through this have NO IDEA what it is like and their judgments are not appreciated or helpful. If I could do this again I would not tell anyone (well obviously my first choice would be for it to not happen at all )

I found out and called my best friend and my sister, both of whom have been extremely supportive.

I made a Dr. appointment that day, went in a few days later and told her. She referred me to an IC, who also knows.

And my WH told our MC, and one friend of his, who I know, but isn't super close to us and our normal group of friends, and has been cheated on before herself.

I had planned on telling more people, my family and his, but for now, I'm going to leave it. Once you tell, you can't take it back. And there's always time for me to tell in the future, when I am capable of making a good decision about it.

I told my BFF and my priest. Telling my BFF was a mistake! She was supportive until he and I decided to try and R. Now she calls me at least 5 times a day badgering me. She told me yesterday that I did not love myself. She told me today I needed to see a therapist because once they cheat they always cheat. Finally I just had to stop her mid-sentence today and tell her I did not wish to talk about it anymore. Listening to her is making it very difficult for us to work out our issues and move past this situation. I really have a hard time hearing anything she has to say at all right now because I heard her talking on the phone to another man telling him they could only be friends. The whole time I am wondering where, how, and why she had put herself in a situation to be saying this to another man. Not to mention that she told her sister who is a mutual friend and her sister-in-law who is also a mutual friend. My priest on the other hand has been supportive and a good listening ear. He has met with both myself and my husband. He chastised my husband for his actions and has comforted me throughout this whole situation. My suggestion is be careful who you tell. Even those you think you can trust with such private information may not be trustworthy.

On DD 1, I didn't tell anyone. When I found out DD1 was all a lie and got hard evidence of the extent of the problem(s) with major wake up call DD2, I told everyone - mostly because my world had fallen apart and I desperately needed the support. I am still only 2 months out and have no idea what the future holds and whether or not there is hope of R (and if I really want that or not??)

In this thread, there seems to be a bit of a pattern .... those who don't tell a lot of people seem to be more likely to be on a path toward trying to reconcile. Those who share widely seem to more often end up separating/divorcing. I wonder if this is our subconscious at work trying to tell us something ....?

I know there are people in my life who absolutely could not fathom me working with him to reconcile at this point. I think I have told some of them knowing this. On the one hand, it has made me stronger. I am not willing to "settle" - although I have been tempted at times. On the other hand, if we do attempt R, it may mean actually having to rationalize (end?) friendships.

Up to today no one knows. If there is a chance to R then I wouldn't want my family or his to look down upon him or hate him. I have just bottled it and can't come to speaking about it to anyone even though I want to so bad. My only outlet it SI and cafemom

When I first suspected I told my best friend. Her response, "No way".

After Nov. 4, 2011 dday, I told my brothers and sisters as we are a very, very close family. I am a horrible liar and do not hide things well. I was not going to lie to anyone nor was I going to let them think I was going crazy.

I told my employees. I have a small company with 3 employees. Again, either tell them the truth or let them believe I was losing my mind.

Everyone I told on my side has been extremely supportive and will support my decision to stay or go. They have also been very kind towards my WH even though they'd like to kill him. One even asked permission to slap the hell out of him.

This is not my shame or my blame to carry.

On D-Day I told my best friend, who in turn told his wife who in turn told her friends, who are all (or were) friends or acquaintances of my WW. Then I told my parents and sister. Then I ended up telling my boss because he was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

My WS is keeping it from her side of the family and all of her friends except for her BFF. Must be hard on her, because they’re all wondering what’s wrong. She had the nerve to get mad at me for telling my best buddy because it leaked to all of our mutual friends. I felt remorseful for all of about 30 seconds, then I said “WAIT A MINUTE!! That sounds like your problem, not mine!” In the old days I would have felt bad about it all day long and given her my sad face until she felt better.

I told my supervisor, who is also one of my best friends, because I needed the time off work. I told my Dr, because I needed the time off work, and I told my counselor. That's it, that's all. Some days I want to scream it to the world, because I hate hearing about how awesome my wife is.

I told quite a few people. My cousin first, as she had been through the same thing. Then half a dozen close friends and a small parenting forum that I use.

I haven't told my parents, if we R then I don't want their relationship to be completely ruined, I may be able to forgive, but they won't. If we D then I will tell them everything.

unfortunately I told more people that I wanted to :(

When I first found out I told a couple close friends. I need their support and a shoulder to cry on.

I then in a heated moment with WH I called his mom to "talk some sense into him". I really just wanted someone else to hate him as much as I did at that moment. He told his bio dad. His mom told his sisters. I eventually confided in my mom because I needed her help one night with the kids when I thought I was divorcing and WH left me for the night.

The only person I wish I didn't tell was my MIL. I am glad that my close friends and mom know...I need them whether we get through R or if we end up divorcing.

Absolutely nobody, directly. Who could I possibly tell? Since the WW will not talk to me and I can't just keep it all to myself, the neighbors could not help but know. Not proud of the fact that they could not help but overhear conservations I had with myself outside the house.

OMG. I have done this when I didn't want to see or be seen and just isolate.

I told everyone via a Facebook status update. I never imagined trying to reconcile and didn't want to have to make up a reason or deal with people saying I was wrong for kicking him out. Everyone was supportive and no one has said not to try except for my brother which I understand where he is coming from. Of course ws was ashamed but so what he brought this on. I know my way won't work for everyone but it helped me to be able to freely talk about it esp with my parents

Jess

The only person I wish I didn't tell was my MIL.

Why is that? I insisted that my WSO tell her mother, and I don't regret that at all, I'm glad she knows.

My mother on the other hand I would never tell. Any R would be very difficult if she knew some one hurt me as badly as WSO...