SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Throw the rug out, Joe. Whether your wife wants an authentic life or not, you do.

I know it's terrifying. It took me a LONG time to do it.

Ultimately, it ended my marriage; my husband loved his secrets more than he loved me, our marriage, or our family.

Would it have been easier to keep the rug? For a while, it was. And then it became intolerable.

Once I put it by the curb, it quickly became apparent how very much I had damaged myself by participating in that form of marital "housekeeping."

Thanks for all the words of encouragement.

I know it's terrifying. It took me a LONG time to do it.

When I embarked on this journey a few days ago, I thought it was going to be a 'piece of cake'. Not so much. It is incredibly terrifying. I flung the rug out and now all that shit is staring me in the face. I am sick to my stomach once again just as if it is d-day all over. At first, fWW cried, then she got upset, back to crying, now she is giving me the cold shoulder and doesn't want to talk to me at all. It's not 180, and I wouldn't call it pouting, its more like she has just given up on me and withdrew her emotions from the relationship. She told me last night that she already answered all my questions and that I just don't like the answers. In a way, she is right. I don't like "idk", or "I don't care", or "I don't remember", or "I don't know how to explain it to you so you'll understand" or the myriad of other half-baked responses that set off the bullshit alarm (especially when she answers the same questions 3 different ways since d-day).

This is a one way trip. Once I lifted the rug, I can't go back. I know its for the best, but I am scared to death and it is painful.

Joe,

Both my H and I rugswept for 22 years!!!

Please, please do not rugsweep to make your wife feel less uncomfortable.

She is supposed to feel uncomfortable, at the very least!

Of course you have unresolved issues!

Now, I started just saying what I am thinking when I am thinking it in a respectful, non-confrontational sort of nonchalant kind of way.

Why are you being nonchalant?

You're still giving her the easy way out!!!!

She needs to own her shit.

She needs to throw herself 100% into your marriage if she wants to R.

You are allowing her to get away with what she did.

She has to face the consequences of her choices.

Please, please do not rugsweep.

It was the worst thing that H and I did.

We never discussed it.

.....until out of the blue 3+ years ago he asked me a question about the past....

And now, only now, are we FINALLY dealing with this awful, awful betrayal of mine.

My H has PTSD.

He is

The "if only", Joe.

DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE WE DID!!

I flung the rug out and now all that shit is staring me in the face.

Good for you for flinging that rug out. This reminds me of our house, literally, after we were hit by Hurricane Ike four years ago. We pulled up flood-water soaked carpets from two rooms, and found mold growing beneath them. But we would never have discovered what lay beneath until we ripped the carpets up. It was a sickening mess but we dove in and did the task of cleaning up.

Your ww is a serial cheater. She has skillfully dodged 'the shit' for at least two decades. It's her job to get down and clean it up.

At first, fWW cried, then she got upset, back to crying, now she is giving me the cold shoulder and doesn't want to talk to me at all...I wouldn't call it pouting, its more like she has just given up on me and withdrew her emotions from the relationship.

I don't see remorse in her actions, and she may be using tears as a manipulation tool, along with the cold shoulder and silent treatment. She withdrew her emotions from your marriage/relationship a long time ago, when she started cheating.

Stay strong (((joe))), it's gut-wrenching, but you can do it.

I did this too, for almost exactly the same length of time as you did. I wouldn't even refer to it as an affair or the affair... if it had to be mentioned at all it was "what happened" and "when you were gone". Neither of us even bothered to call it what it was. When I finally couldn't take it anymore and ripped the rug out he resisted at first, but then the talking started. I wouldn't even call it TT, more like the D Day we never really had. I knew he was cheating, he left, I knew what was up, but he never bothered in all of that to confess anything or apologize. When he did come back, he was very clear that he just wanted to move forward, and like your WW he was suddenly a better husband (and father) and I didn't want to jinx it, I finally had the partner I always knew he could be and wanted him to try to be.

I got lucky. When we ripped the bandaid off he didn't run or hide. I had to catch him in one last lie to get the admissions flowing, but once I did I got everything I needed. I can actually go a few days without thinking about what he did now. Of course the balance of power has shifted in our M since he came back to it. He is now the one who wants it more, where the time apart showed me that I don't NEED it. Most of our issues now stem from his struggle to adapt to a life in which I don't have him on a pedestal anymore. One where I call him on his shit and tell him no when I don't like something rather than "whatever makes you happy"

Good luck to you. It doesn't make you a bad husband to have needs, and that's all this is. It isn't punishing her, it isn't trying to hurt her, it's trying to heal you, because she broke you. If she isn't willing to do that she is in need of censure, not you.

An update on the rug removal project....

So, fWW was giving me the cold shoulder, and on day 2 of the silent treatment I went to the hospital. fWW was in the waiting room, and I went into cardiac arrest. I find it incredibly amazing that as I was leaving this world, I calmly and selfishly thought only about myself. I remember being a little frightened, completely helpless, and strangely aware my heart had stopped and that I had stopped breathing. As if it were in the distance, I could hear the medical team trying to revive me. A short while later, my eyes opened, and shortly after that I responded with a mumble. Not one time throughout the entire ordeal did I think of anyone but myself, my will to live, and the inability to do anything about it. I didn't think about my wife, infidelity, or any type of emotional pain. Yes, a little frightened yet remarkably at peace with myself. A second chance at life is a beautiful gift as is knowing that in spite of everything, I can die in peace. I did everything I could to be a good husband, a good father, and a good man. I didn't always succeed, but I always gave 100%.

I plan to sit down and write about the impact this event had on the rug removal project later today or tomorrow. Life is interesting, precious, and can end with little or no warning. Until next time, thank you for all your support and I wish you all peace.

(((HUGS)))) to you, Joe. You did end up with your life in jeopardy after all, just like me. It really helps you see your life for what it is, doesn't it? I'm so sorry this happened, but in a strange way that only people who've been betrayed understand, I'm glad you've had this opportunity to see with your eyes wide open, and that you've been granted a second chance at life.

For those of you BS who continue to deny, rugsweep, and permit your WS to gaslight you, let this be a warning to you. Living like that WILL kill you or ruin your health one day.

Joe, I'm very glad you made it through your cardiac arrest. I wish you a very speedy recovery.

You add a lot to SI, and so far you need to be present in the real world to contribute to the virtual one.

I look forward to reading your further comments.

Man Joe... That was a close one... I'm glad you made it through... I do believe you'll see life through a whole different lens...

WB

The night before, fWW was in silent mode. But, I politely asked a question and she said she wasn't in the mood to talk about it (not so politely). So, I let it go, and figured I'd ask again the next day. Well, I never got the chance the next day. However, after my ordeal, fWW came in to see me and when she found out what had happened she was quite shaken, scared, and started to cry. Although I appreciated the jesture of kindness that she sit by my side, it almost felt as if it was all a little too late. I know her concern was genuine, but I was indifferent as it was neither troubling nor comforting.

She spent the rest of the day as a basket-case telling me she loved me several times. Later in the evening she tells me that I can believe her. I tell her I am in no mood to discuss anything because I didn't want to try to deal with the stress and she dropped it.

Today, I told her I wanted to go to MC to have an arbitrator of sorts to discuss our issues. She tells me that she has already told me everything. I tell her that I think we have the abiiliyt to get along well enough, but I need to know that I can believe and trust her. She starts bringing up the specific about an issue, and I tell her its not the answer, its that the answer has gone 360° and it can't all be true. She gets pissed and I tried to explain that I don't really care what the truth is, I care whether or not it is the truth. At this point she flips out screaming at me that how dare start this shit when I almost died and she kept referencing the issue telling me I won't let it be. I told her I just wanted to know she is being honest not what the truth really is. Then she tells me that I am more concerned with the issue because she is being honest and proceeds to go into an almost violent temper tantrum and then runs off to the bedroom crying.

I have no apologies. What is under the rug may kill me but I can't cover it back up. I am being polite and respectful in effort to manage the stress for obvious reasons. I may need to place some of this on hold for a few weeks, but the rug is not coming back.

My husband screamed & cursed at me while I was in the ER lying on a gurney. I feel for you, Joe, I truly do.

All the other shit aside, Joe, I'm glad that you are feeling better....and found a certain amount of inner peace.

((((Joe)))) just get well. That is all that matters...YOU!