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Thanks everyone for your advice. Gotta say that I was hesitant to post. Wrote something 3 times before I actually posted something. Your words of support and advice are oddly warming. I guess, in an obscene way, we're all connected.

Tonight, I will message her, after WS goes to bed. Will let y'all know what turns up.

J.

I'm glad you're going to message her, because I just have that feeling as well that you didn't talk to her after all. Something just seems off with the whole thing. Good luck Jaco.

First thing I thought was that it wasn't really the wife. Please let us know what happens!

How did it go?

I was a BS that found out because the OW BS called me and told me about the A. He threatened both his WS and my H to end it and they didn't so he called me...and to my knowledge it ended that day. period.

It had THAT profound an effect and I do not know if they are still together but My H and i are.

When I got the call at work I called my H and asked him point blank if it were true and he admitted it. I was lucky and he didnt deny it. I immediatly called the OW BS and left him a message, telling him that my H admitted it and thanking him for letting me know, but to leave me and my family alone now to deal with this.

I am very glad he told me. No one wants to rip someones worls apart like that...but he single handedly ended the affair that day

Thank you for your post, Jaco.

You are a beacon of strength and integrity.

I cannot begin to wrap my begin around the kind of person that would vilify someone for exposing THEIR transgression.

You're a good person. You deserve to be in like company.

(((Jaco)))

Great post.

Truly, this one statement really stands out.

If I had it to do all over again, I would never have contacted OM, I would have called his wife directly, immediately. There was NO value in talking with him. In fact, it allowed resentment to build up between me and WS. If I had just talked to her, it would have just ended, and we would be able to start the healing process 3 days earlier.

The other person is someone just as damaged as the WS is, and has a lot of similar issues. Otherwise they wouldn't be engaging in the affair.

If there is any common ground, it is with the other BS...

I can relate to both wayward spouse responses. I got a similar response "how could you be so vidictive." "Vindictive" REALLY. You two were the ones cheating. If anyone should feel that way it should be you. It is really amazing how brainwashed in a fantasy world people become in an affair.

Jaco,

How are you doing?

Shortly after DD #2 which was when I finally found out who the OW was, I sent the OW a text telling her she could tell her husband or I would.

My H was a total mess. I told him to have the courage to come clean with everything or have the courage to leave. He took the easy way out and left. He then broke down to his kids and told them that if I told the OWH then it just proved how little I really cared for him? Oh come on, really?? His kids told me all the stuff he babbled in a hysterical frame of mind. He wasn't freaked out that he had got caught ... again ... he freaked because now he was no longer in control and I could out them both to the OWH.

It took me months to out her and to this day I do not know if her husband really knows or not. I could not find where he worked or reach him by phone. I thought about a certified letter to their home but figured she'd find a way to intercept it. Her H seems to be totally off the grid in electronic social socials. Showing up at their house? Not an option as I didn't want to get shot by the OW.

So, I did my research and then sent letters to all family members. That made a HUGE impact.

Shortly after that, in an attempt to reach the OWH by phone, I ended up talking to her. She told me she had had enough of me and to leave her family alone. Unbelievable!! I cracked up laughing. Leave her family alone. I told her to quit f*cking and texting my husband.

For her it probably would have been much better had she just let me speak to her husband one-on-one instead of outing her to her entire family. Funny thing ... I gave her plenty of warnings to end the affair. I think she thought my H would be able to control me and protect her. What an idiot.

To this day I still believe my CS and the OW still share a few text messages. Neither one of them understands or gets the NC rule and they still work in the same office although my CS is aggressively seeking different employment.

I have NC with OW now. I have nothing left to say to her. However, if I should ever see her out and about with her husband ... that might be a different story.

Hi everyone.

I'm doing OK - still have not contacted the OM wife - the email address I had for her bounced, and to further complicate things my father-in-law just was moved into hospice care, piling on an entire new set of emotions onto the mess.

I plan on calling OM's Spouse today or tomorrow at home, when I know OM won't be there.

I start some individual counseling this week, and the counselor is well connected with our prior couples therapist, and both know my WS's therapist - so with the proper signatures in place, we actually have a team assembled to help save the marriage. Or, at least, any future decisions will be informed ones.

WS and I are also talking more candidly - and she's actually started admitting some fault, rather than just blaming me. "Baby steps" as they say.

Thanks everyone for your support and stories. I'd buy you all a drink if we were at happy hour together.

J.

[This message edited by Jaco at 10:59 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

Called the OP W tonight - conversation went really well. Yes, it was her that the OP had put on the phone, and she meant what she had said.

They are now in counseling, and working on repairing their marriage.

Me and the OP spouse have exchanged contact info, so we can police this a bit moving forward.

I did confirm that there have been a couple of communications back and forth between WS and OP, she was aware of them and we will both be working stopping that ASAP. I'm also getting the message that the WS may be more of the instigator - something I have to dig deeper into in the weeks ahead.

Again, in the end the OP spouse wanted to know, and now that the relationship is "out", the OP is focused more on saving his marriage and family, then he is about spending time with my wife.

And now, I also have an advocate that is aided by a positive outcome - our R helps theirs, and vice-versa.

The OPS found out a year and a half before I did. I wish he had the courage and kindness to contact me. I am angry at him as well as my WH and the OP. They all kept me in the dark.

Well, I told WS that I contacted the OM's wife. WS flipped out. She's now saying that there's no possibility of R, and that I betrayed WS by talking to the OMW.

WS also admitted she's still been communicating with the OM. And I betrayed her? Huh?

Apparently she also thought that OM was keeping my WS's identity secret - so work & friends wouldn't find out. OMW actually knew who I was, who WS was. WS feels betrayed by OM now.

I let WS know that the OM & OMW are dedicated to their own R, and that WS's communications only set that process backward, and the OMW asks her to stop, so they can keep their family intact. WS has stated there will be no more contact, but the "proof will be in the pudding."

My emotions are just jumbled right now. I know this is the only way to move forward, but I felt like there was some progress, now just one big step backwards.

I emailed the OMW and let her know of the NC - hopefully my WS will keep to her commitment. I'm Not sure if/when WS will calm down to be able to address our issues.

Might be time for 180, yah think?

The 180 is your friend. Do it for you,not to change her.

Sounds like there may be a crack in the rainbows and unicorns la la land your WW thought she was in....

On a separate note, do you know how she was contacting the OM? Has she agreed to total transparency so you can validate NC?

Jacob, 180 your WW. You cannot unilaterally save a marriage. Your WS has to want it. Good luck, she sounds confused about what she has done.

Thanks. I think I do need a little bit of a slap. You're so right, I cannot unilaterally save this. I will repeat that until I go to sleep tonight.

She was contacting him via her iPhone - work supplied, I don't have the password, she won't dare give it to me. and no, we haven't even gotten close to a formal NC. I'm trying to get her to agree to a couples therapy - we really need an arbiter. Knowing that I now talk w/ OMW is helping (but also exposing lots of anger - dont want anything rash happening)

Went out on a long run today - amazing how that helps calm things a bit.

I think a 180 is important. It's also important to define for yourself what type of marriage arrangement you can accept.

Is remaining in contact with OM ok?

Is lack of transparency acceptable?

You need to define your dealbreakers that are pre-conditions to R. These are not items she can negotiate. The are things your WW must agree to PRIOR to R. (note: it shouldn't include things like fold my laundry).

If she can not agree to these conditions, are you prepared to D? That's a painful idea, but the 180 helps make an alternative life where you aren't being disrespected tolerable.

Good luck. Focus on you. Post often. You will survive.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 9:38 PM, September 2nd (Sunday)]

If they're still in contact... Nothing good is going to come of this...

Talk to an attorney... Get your facts straight... Know that no matter what happens... You're going to enjoy and live each and every day of your life...

Getting thrown nothing but curve balls sucks...

You'll make it... We all do...

WB

A really unexpected day.

First, to answer the questions - yes, ready to D if that's the right answer. However, with all the raw emotions, especially anger, on her side, I am not yet pushing hard on the NC until we are in front of a counselor. I see my IC this week, and hopefully she'll agree to an MC meeting this week as well - we'll see.

Back to my day - it started out, she woke up just angry. This isn't specifically targeted at me, but she was saying she doesn't see how this works out in the positive. I asked her one favor, before she makes any decision, please read " After the Affair" by Spring & Spring. I had started reading it a few days ago, and the language in it was identical to much of the stuff she was saying to me ("I don't see how this works out", "there's too much damage", "I'm to angry", etc.). Long story short, she studied it for hours - taking notes, coming out and talking with me occasionally. Meanwhile, I went on with my day - went out with a friend, worked on stuff around the house, etc. That evening, we made dinner together, sat out on the porch and talked - an entirely different relationship than we've had in months. She even started showing remorse.

I think the book gave her insight into what the heck was going on inside her and inside me, and validated that we can recover from this.

A long way to go - lots of roller coaster rides ahead. But, baby steps.

It might go horribly wrong - I know I gotta get the NC. I know I'm way to optimistic.

Somebody talk some sense into me.