SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been a year and a half since D-day. I am doing fairly well for the most part. FWH has been very helpful. He knows that it will never go away but he really doesn't want to think about it.

Many days are good but some are bad. I still have bad dreams all the time and wake up upset. I never had these before.

One thing he really liked about the OW was that she had long hair. I have been growing mine out. Today I asked him if he liked that my hair was getting longer and he said that he thought it was getting stringy and that I should get it cut about an inch. As you can imagine, I got very upset. My hair does not look stringy and I went right on FB and looked at her photo. She does have long hair but IT looks stringy! Anyway, he knew I was very upset and tried to talk to me. He tried to tell me that he loved me for me and that I shouldn't try and look like her.

I told him that this whole thing has made me feel terrible about myself and his response was that he wished I would quit dwelling on it.

Does anyone else have this problem? For the most part he has been great. But as time goes on, he expects it to go away. It has faded a lot but it is not gone and still hurts very much.

At this point, he can't help me any more. How can I help myself? Advice?

I totally get how you are feeling. I really fixated for a while on what it was about her that he liked. Nails, hair, waxing, body, clothes, etc. but finally I just realized that it wasn't doing me any good.

The only thing it did was drive me crazy. You are better than any OW could ever hope to be. YOU have morals. I know it is easier to say this than to accept it, so my heart goes out to you. But in reality, you could become the spitting image of her and it isn't going to change how he feels about you or her one way or the other. I am sure it was not about you lacking long hair.

Hugs to you!

The woman H had an A with wa very intellegent and, well, i'm not. He said they had a lot to talk about. She reads a lot too. I hate reading but I got a book to read by Stephen Hawking. I then realized that i'm not gonna change who I am for him to want to be with me. That was before I said I wanted a divorce and he begged me to not do that. Said he doesn't care about books or philosophy( things they talked about), he just wanted me and wants me to be muself. Don't change who you are.

One thing he really liked about the OW was that she had long hair. I have been growing mine out

Oh no, don't go there. You can never compete with the OW so don't try.

You need to be true to yourself. If you want longer hair because you believe you look better with it or if you honestly want a change then grow your hair but do not do it to "look l like her"

I understand that your self esteem takes a hit as a result of an A but you must know that you are a far better person than the OW. You have the strength of character that the OW does not have.

his response was that he wished I would quit dwelling on it.

No, I never had this problem. My WH never, ever, ever, ever let those words roll out of him mouth (maybe he thought it, I don;t know, but he NEVER verbalized it). My WH knows for sure that I would never have accepted that statement...ever.

Your WH needs to exercise extreme patience throughout the entire process.

Why do you feel he can no longer help you? Communication is key, let him know exactly how you feel and what you expect of him.

Sofia 58 I understand you thought process and why you got very upset.

My fWS MOW1 & 2 were very corporate. Tight skirts, suits, slick hair etc etc, really looked the part. He did admit to me that he was attracted to the way they looked. I asked him if he complimented them on their appearance, he admitted he did....a lot via phone, texts, emails and of course...in person.

So I decided to try to spruce myself up when I was meeting him in the city for a night out after work. I shopped for heels, got a fitted skirt, wore a nice shirt that showed cleavage....you get the picture....Not trashy, just well dressed and appearing confident. Very different fom my usual garb-jeans with a nice shirt, as I am not confident and don't like drawing attention to myself, so this was a hard thing for me to do, I was really putting myself out there to see if he would appreciate that I was trying. I had listened and I was trying!!!!

I got many glances from other men on the train on the way in and

I was not comfortable with at all.

Yep you guessed it....met fWS and he glanced at me, said nothing and we just began walking up the street!!! I was so shattered....

When we finally got to where we were going and sat down, I asked him did he notice. He said he did.

Why then didn't you comment, you know how uncomfortable I must be. He said he didn't know what to say so he said nothing.

Did he like it??? Still don't know... My guess is they like those things on others because they are characteristics of others, not of us. He liked that style of dressing because it s very different to me.

The long hair probably drew your spouses attention because it was different to you.

I believe that if they are going to cheat again, and we dress just right, or we have hair the right length, they will choose their affair partners for another reason....

Sorry Hun but I think they just wanted "different" to us, so no matter how much we try to change ourselves, it will not stop them from looking elsewhere if that is what they are going to do.....

We have to try to be ok with ourselves....if you want long hair for you, go for it!!!

You need to try to begin to do things for yourself, as I am now doing, not for their approval...

((((((Hugs to you ))))))

JMO

[This message edited by Escape artist at 9:35 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]

I think a lot of us have done the makeover thing. For a bit it bothered me that she worked out. I am active, busy, but don't do the gym thing. Now I focus on my best look for me. I feel better if I take care of my health, skin, hair. Ask a good stylist to get the best cut for your hair texture, face shape etc. Forget about her and do what feels good for you. Your hubby could be a little more sensitive, but maybe he's not the best person to ask right now. My FWH doesn't have a clue sometimes about hair or fashion. He too can put his foot in his mouth. I haven't asked FWH what he liked about MOW's looks. I asked in general what was so great and he said she had fun with her kids and didn't yell. Ouch. He admitted later she would have shown her best side, as did he. There's a lot SHE never knew about him. Try to remember they were having a fantasy. No bad hair days, fartin, or nose picking aloud.

Thanks for the responses. We have been out and the first thing I did when I got home was to check SI for advice and friendship! I wouldn't wish this on anyone else, but it helps to know that I am not alone and crazy!

i've been blonde for 10 yrs, before that a dark dishwater blonde with strawberry highlights. ***** has long blonde hair. I have long blonde hair. I have cut it just about 2 inches below my shoulder instead of to the bottom of my bra strap.

I should just dye it black and get it cut to my ears...he loves long blonde hair. gag.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:40 AM, August 27th (Monday)]

OW and I are polar opposites in looks and personality and I would not want to look like her even if I was paid a $ million. I am more than happy with the way I look (hot and spicy ) and the thing that I do have an issue with I am changing (losing weight for health reasons). I am a dress and skirt wearer and she is a pants wearer...also explains why WH suddenly wanted me to wear pants more often...don't like pants as I find them uncomfortable.

ETA: She has big breasts and I have ones that are in proportion to my body and WH has a fetish for big ones...but I still will not change mine

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 2:41 AM, August 27th (Monday)]

When I first asked my WH what his OW looked like he said, "A bit like you only slimmer".

I said "well she hasn't had 3 of your 4 children, has she."

Further down the lines he's told me he didn't like her dyed hair, saggy chest, bad skin, so many things, yet I still think about the fact that she was "fit and her body was great".

My advice to you - don't torture yourself. If you want to make changes for you, do so but please don't try and be like the OW.

He's not with the OW, he's with you so why would he want to be reminded of her all the time?

Me trying to look like her???? HELL no!!!! not in a million years. She is ugly and I mean ugly.

Soon after dday I asked H what he saw in her because she was just the opposite of what he liked. I told him that she had short hair and he loves long hair, that he hated people who talk softly and she sure does talk this way. I told him that he hated helpless people and ones who played the victim and she sure does both best than anyone else I have known. Of course he did not answer.

You know what my H saw in her??? her BS compliments. She complimented the pants off of him and he fell for it. He even admitted it.

The funny thing is that now she has long hair, and I have mine shoulder length. I even told H that I do not think that the bimbo letting her hair grow long is a coincidence. I told him that at some point he mush have told her that he likes long hair and that she would look good with long hair and she aims to please. I told him that I find it a bit odd that after all these years that we have known her, she never had long hair and now all of a sudden after she and H got a bit more serious, all of a sudden the hair is getting longer by the day.

He said that maybe at some point he said something to her. ( subtle admission on his part)To this I responded that it was not " maybe I said something to her" it was " I most definitely said something to her"

Funny how they give subtle admissions, right? Otherwise he would and should have denied that he ever told her anything...

To sum it up:

Do not try to compete with her. What he saw in her was most likely what my H did in his bimbo. They pay attention to them, flatter them, they make them feel important, and the idiot husbands of ours fall for it. Be yourself honey. That is your best revenge. Like another poster said: do not change who you are. He knew who you were when he married you. He loved that at some point. Stay the same, be yourself.

Don't look at her...stay away from her FB page...trust me, it is not good for you!

Change you look if you like, work-out, get new hair,new make-up, different style of clothes...whatever ...but, do it to make you feel better...heck, do it to get compliments from others, but don't do it to look like her for him!

I am your age and my looks are important to me now, but my fWH never complimented me ...ever...and after the A when I lost tons of weight (initially from the stress, then from working out) and made some other changes, I was getting compliments from everyone, but him...maybe your H is like that...something just holds him back. I lost 50+ pounds and worked out and he told me I looked "drawn." He made comments on my dark circles under my eyes, my "dry" hair,...etc...but never anything positive. The OW was 4 years older than me ..average...as best as I can tell on FB, but in one of his emails to her that I found, he told her she was the most beautiful woman on the planet...that stung and still does. So take pride in yourself in many ways, be the best you can for YOU. The fact that told you he loved you for you is great...now you love "you for you."

I am going to put a bit of a different spin on this.....in my experience, OW tried to look like me. And I personally believe that many OW wonder what it was about the wife that made WH dump them....so start thinking about this situation in reverse.

I think it is only natural for a betrayed spouse to wonder what it was that attracted the WS to the other person.....and after being 7 years out and reading a great deal about infidelity, I would venture to say that in most cases it had nothing to do with the OP looks, personality, knowledge, etc, but more to do with the WS need for validation or getting sucked in some fantasyland.

Keep in mind an A is a fantasy where there are no responsibilities, never having to make serious life decisions, not dealing with the day-to-day monotony of life. It's all wine and roses.

Just be you, you are the person he married.

I never knew she existed until DDay but she knew about me and used to haunt what she could of my facebook page. It was very private but she could see the basics. She would mnyion it to WH if I put a pic of the kids on there. Shortly after I cut all my hair off she did the same. WH said he never noticed but when I found out about her and checked her H facebook I saw he posted a pic of his beautiful wife and her new haircut.

Shortly after I talked to her H he said he wondered why she had cut her hair off because she had been growing it long for a while. He asked if WH liked short hair and I said no I had just cut mine. He said that explained a lot. It was all she knee about me from facebook. WH says she often asked for info but he wouldn't tell her very much.

Angelstar5...

Please do not use derogatory names in the forum.

Everyone else...this is not an OW vent thread, please stay on topic or we will be forced to move this to General.

yes, been there :) Before I knew about the affair, WH was angry a lot and said that I needed to start trying harder, to wear perfume, etc. (I am a SAHM and had a newborn!)

After I found out about the A and knew what she looked like, I actually went the other way. We both had the same hair color, so I dyed mine very dark. And a lot of other things. I did, however, start to exercise and when he (really, when OW) had the kids for the weekend visits, I'd go clothes shopping with my friends.

I did change my look, but to the opposite of her's. My therapist said a lot of ppl either try to look like the OW or look the opposite of the OW.

Maybe for about 5 minutes I worried about this- she dresses completely differently than I do. She works in an office, wears her tops entirely too low - too tight skirts and pants and everything about her is fake - nails, brittle bottle blonde hair - tanning so much that she looks orange.

Yet - he found her attractive? During the A I do remember him asking me if I ever thought of going blonde and growing my hair out. I have mid-length, dark brown curly hair. I would look awful as a blonde! And I know for a fact that he wouldn't like me dressing the way she does.

So, I agree on a few points - they wanted something different.

I do remember at one point he kept telling me to get a facebook account (he had one, I didn't) and to post my picture. He kept after me until I finally said NO - I don't want my picture on there. Turns out, SHE wanted to know what I looked like!

No - I have no desire to look like her - I like me.

I realized the other day that obsessing over an OW builds them up on your WS's eyes, to some degree.

She was a mirage to him. His brain had played her in slow motion with wind in her hair. With photoshop.

Then came the unraveling effect of DDay. I knew about her, confronted her, blew the fantasy out of the water. I believe it took the slow-mo, windbown airbrushing out of his image of her and she kinda just became her uninteresting, mediocre self.

It was an epiphany for me and it allowed me to pretty much let her go.

My healing has begun as I have taken myself back. I've taken myself away from her and given me back to me. She's sad and pathetic and defective, and I forgive her. My anger is 100% toward the person who owed me his loyalty and chose not to give it. It's liberating.

Also, changing your appearance or attractiveness is not necessarily a bad thing.

Become the best version of yourself.

NOT

Your version of her.

Long hair can come in many styles and colors. Pick the one that looks most like YOUR style, and ROCK IT.

I can 100% sympathize with this subject. The OW was my complete opposite in every single way. The logical explanations go right out of the window when you're staring at your worst insecurities in 1,000 FB pics.

I pride myself on being very put together and stylish. I'm tall and quite slim. I consider my make-up sophisticated, and my long, red hair is always styled. I've always struggled with self-esteem, but I *thought* my husband found me beautiful, and my girlfriends say I look like a fashion model. It was like a slap in the face when I first saw pics of the OW. The most fitting description is a reject from a test Hustler shoot. She is TINY with bleached blonde hair and large fake breasts. She appears to put her eye make-up on with a Sharpie and wears clothes that I can only describe as "cheap teenager". The real kicker was seeing her weight listed on multiple arrest records-- 108. My WH sure does love them skinny-- but at my height, the only way to rectify that 15lb difference is with an eating disorder. Not a chance-- I love food, and I'm miserable enough!

I can't tell you how many times I wondered if WH would prefer that I bleach my hair of get plastic surgery. I also thought about changing to look every more different, but it's all just superficial. Right now I'm choosing to love me. To make the best "me", like so many others have said. Why be anyone else? I didn't choose this path, and I was happy with my appearance before.

If I'm being totally truthful, it helps immensely to remind myself that I'm successful and intelligent, and she's just... NOT.

Revel in the differences.

[This message edited by MyNewReality at 3:01 PM, August 27th (Monday)]