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So my WW is one of those that compartmentalizes. I post this because it may help others that have the same issues.

DDAY was bad, but she was mad at me for discovering. She created her own fantasy world and would come home as if nothing. Ruining it made me the bad guy.

Now during our work towards R, seems like she can compartmentalize so easily. One moment she's with her friends laughing having a good time and totally forget that we're going thru rough times in our marriage. I have to remind her to open that vault so we can talk again. I on the other hand if things are bad, it affects all aspects of life.

Compartmentalizing is a defense mechanism and it can be a good thing so people won't get overwhelmed with anxiety. However, it can lend itself to denial or simply sweeping under the rug and not dealing with issues head on. When we discuss the issue she does get so bothered by her own actions that it depresses her...maybe compartmentalizing doesn't allow for such grief and hurt to take its course.

Our R has taken a while because she first had to come down from the cloud (burst bubble).

Comments? Suggestions?

My exWW did this as well.

It destroyed any chance of R.

It was painful on every level.

It crushed my self esteem.

I consider it cold and cruel.

I finally threw my hands up and walked away from that bullshit.

Now she is an exWW and I am happy again.

My exWH was a master compatmentalizer.

He actually said, during the eye of the shit storm, that he didn't think much about how his decision to leave was going to impact him, me, the kids or anyone else close to us. He just didn't allow himself to let it in.

Even today, he still does it. We are D, but business like polite for the sake of the children. Sometimes, he will say or do something through our limited contact that makes me feel as if i don't exist or matter, just like he did when we first started having troubles. I recently said to him, "you know, I think you don't want to talk to me and that you actually avoid me so you don't have to remember who I really am.". He said, "I know I do that."

So, I, and to a large extent, the kids, get put in a box on a little shelf in his mind. He never calls the kids when its not his visitation day. He never makes a real effort to make memories with them. He avoids me like the plague and ,ost people would consider me to be the dream ex wife. Its pretty obvious that he doesn't think about us unless he's forced to.

I too find this behavior to be extremely cruel and selfish. It's an evil way to erase all people and emotions that make them feel bad or ugly about themselves. It's hard for me to relate to people who can't admit their own flaws or choose not to see pain that they have caused others.

My only saving grace is that he's so good at this, I trust that this will also cause the demise of his "relationship" with that nasty whorebag.

Since you guys have had experience dealing with someone like this...what is recommended? I can't keep bringing up the past every 2 seconds so she feels like dirt. This way she'll totally not want to be with me. But ignoring the past is not smart either.

I am also M to a 'compartmentalizer'. WH was so accomplished at stuffing conflicting and unpleasant experiences in boxes that after knowing him for 30 years, I still didn't really know him. It was only after the A's were uncovered that we really started to talk and I gained insight into the real man I had married.

However, it can lend itself to denial or simply sweeping under the rug and not dealing with issues head on.

Compartmentalizing, this coping strategy that WH developed at a young age seemingly worked well for him. Now, the reality of not dealing with issues and the resulting problems proves that the bandaid solution was never going to be good enough. It's a skill of avoidance as far as I know. (I'm no expert!)

Those 'boxes' that he stuffed any painful or difficult situations in to are no longer sealed and I think, despite his best efforts, can never really close again. The problem is, he has never developed any skills to 'deal with' problems so he is very insecure at the moment and I am sure that is very unsettling to say the least.

2m2q - I don't have any recommendations really. I am flying by the seat of my pants! I did read somewhere that people need to hit rock bottom before they are capable of change. Perhaps my WH has plummeted and that's why his walls are crumbling. I don't know.

What I have learned is that I can be supportive but I can not do the 'work' that is needed by my WH to help heal himself. He knows that I think IC would be of enormous benefit to him but he is not ready for that yet. I choose to respect that for the moment and try to deal with one small issue at a time.

You are right, ignoring the past is not smart. I think that just sets us up for history to repeat itself. Perhaps initially it would help to have an agreed upon, structured time when you can discuss the M safely, without it feeling like it is every 2 seconds?

Would your WW consider IC?

I am divorced so i suppose you should take whatever recommendation I am giving with a grain of salt.

Gently, I would not allow her to dance around the issues and refuse IC and MC. I believe, after seeing my exWH react to all of this, that compartmentalizers have lots of other issues too. Conflict avoidance, narcissism, self loathing, to name a few. If allowed, they will continue to walk through life refusing to own up to their own shit. That's why many of them run in the most cruel and cowardly fashion. It's the path of least resistance if rug sweeping is not allowed at home.

Rather than worrying about what she needs to come out of her shitty fantasy bubble, focus on what you need to heal. What you need to feel safe in this relationship. She's the one who fucked up royally. She's the one that has to do the work. Don't lose sight of that or else you're in for a long, bumpy, manipulative, mindfuck of a ride.

I think one of the main issues here is that she is back in the marriage, we are working towards reconciliation, but she acts like nothing happened. I know she has to focus on work and we can't talk about this 24/7, but you would think something inside of her would trigger something right? When she sees me down she will cuddle next to me or if I act indifferent. But to say that she's acting remorseful and wants to right the wrong? Not really.

My WS has FOO issues that taught him to compartmentalized his life if he is allowed to get lazy and not work at being authentic. We went to MC years ago because his job was his life, not his family. His need for validation in his professional life triggered his drive and his messed up childhood started the need to compartmentalize anything he did not want to deal with. Once he learned of this tendency, the MC gave us tools to work on together through communication and accountability. Well, we got lazy and comfortable as time went by. Guess what? The compartmentalizing allowed him to start and keep an A going. He has been mortified post A that he could have done such a thing. We are both sad that we did not keep up with our communication and got lazy.

If you are married to someone with FOO issues and want to stay married to them, you both have to recognize the issues and unfortunately, you, the BS will have to help them the rest of their lives to live an authentic life. I am not saying you are responsible for them or their issues, but their tendencies to go back to their coping mechanisms will be a part of your life and your marriage. If you cannot live with that, a MC can help you find

a decision you can live with. You

cannot "love" them through it.

If this sounds like I am excusing bad behavior, I am not. My WH is not excusing his bad behavior. But we have the tools to cope and change when we recognize reasons for certain behaviors. Our MC put it this way...if my WH's doctor told us that WS had heart condition that would require daily exercise, I would gladly do everything possible every day to make sure he got that exercise and he should also do the work to get it done. There should be no resentment on either of our parts. It is the same with mental/personality

issues. Daily work on both our parts to stay healthy.

I hope your WS will get some IC to recognize her issues and let you help her work on them. It can be freeing for both of you. Sometimes the hardest part is the recognition that we have a problem and we need help.

Sorry to interrupt but what is FOO? I have seen it several times but it isn't in the Abbreviations.

Thanks

FOO = family of origin

Thanks!

Thank you Lovedyoumore. I appreciate the info. I want to find out more about this. She didn't want anymore MC cause it dug out her true feelings (about OM) and it made me mad and we came home arguing. HOwever, now we have new insurance and it doesn't cover MC. So we may not have any. If you have any insite...please share.

Depending on your location and your income there is usually someplace that offers treatment on a sliding scale. If there is a university near by that offers a degree in marriage and family therapy, they offer reduced counseling fees.

As a spouse it will be hard, but try to look at this past the A. The affair is not her only problem. Usually there is compartmentalizing in many areas in her life. The A is the one that got the most attention due to the injuries involved. By working on therapy for the whole issue, she will help in all of those areas.

Maybe she would be receptive to therapy if it is not just about the affair, but the larger issues. Look at it as forest and trees. The affair was just one tree in a forest of others. Address the reasons for the forest, start with the smaller trees, and work your way up to the massive oak standing in your way. Make sense?

It does make sense. We had countless conversations about the affair and how she's still ambivalent about loving me and we end up no where. When I do a 180 on her, she takes it as if I'm rejecting her and hate her. So this past Sunday our conversation was actually better. We talked about the state of our marriage prior to the A and what could have led up to it. Certainly my financial/business situation is one of the main reasons she fell out of love with me. I really felt like this conversation got us somewhere and also looking towards the future changes. Talking about the affair ends no where.

The problem I'm having is that she needs to work on the marriage. She should be the one wanting to win me back and right the wrong, but I do not see this in her.

I guess my X was a serial compartmentalizer. When I first found out about A she swept it under the rug and said "whats the problem". Went her brother's wedding and she was all great and laughing while I was in turmoil. She asked me what was bothering me so bad.

I would frequently ask her questions as why, when, etc. and she would give me cocky narcisistic answers and she would just dress up really great and act as I will never get her again.

Well it didn't go as planned and I kicked her out. Couldn't find it in my heart that someone who loved me would do that right in front of me. Good luck to you!

My wife was the master of compartmentalization, and learned it as a child.

It helped make life liveable.

But, eventually it falls apart.

I think one of the main issues here is that she is back in the marriage, we are working towards reconciliation, but she acts like nothing happened.

Just thinking out loud here...Perhaps she is like my WH and has had years of practice stuffing 'bad' things in boxes. Denying them, so as not having to deal with them. He doesn't like to deal with the fallout from the A's but knows I need to. He would prefer it all to just magically go away As such I am the one who initiates all conversations pertaining to the A's.

I'm beginning to see that WH has never been taught how to deal with difficult situations, he just doesn't have the skill set. Without some guidance (be it via reading or with a IC/MC) I think I can stop hoping that my WH will be able to contribute much to my healing.

Perhaps your W is in the same boat??

I did not realize WH compartmentalized his life until I found about the A. I did not understand his behavior and what could happen. I do not compartmentalize so it is hard for me to understand how someone does this. I suspected the compartmentalizing was a coping mechanism from his childhood. After reading the posts on this subject I do believe that it is a coping mechanism.

The problem I am also experiencing is WS does not believe he has any FOO issues and does not have any “issues” with his parents and thinks the compartmentalizing has been helpful in his business life. He acknowledges it does not work well in his personal life. My WH is like Lovedyoumore describes – focused on his professional life and financial and treated his family like suckstobeme describes. It is hard to see him so nice to others, nasty to me and distant with our kids. He is trying to change this but has admitted he might not be able change himself or stop the behavior enough for me. But when he slips back into old behavior I feel like I am pushing the shock collar button and I do not want to keep doing this. He resents it and so do I.

If the WS can’t recognize the compartmentalization is the result of ineffective childhood coping skills and can’t say they want to change this, then what chance do you have at R? Like Lovedyoumore stated the BS will have to help them the rest of their lives to live an authentic live. I have been doing this and I find it emotionally exhausting. To me it like I am reliving the A rollercoaster worrying if signs of old behavior means he is unhappy and look for another OW. Our MC told me I need to stop worrying about his happiness and I am trying. I do own up to what I have done to ignore the behavior pre A. Now that I know what it means I can’t ignore it. I think everyone's tolerance is different. What works for one person does not work for some else. So you have to decide for yourself how you can live with someone who might not ever overcome compartmentalization and want to work on changing. You have to decide how long you can last or if you can live with the behavior. One IC told me you will know when you are ready to leave.

What do you mean by a "authentic life"? Does this mean that they do NOT express what they REALLY feel? I would agree on some aspects of life, but not all on my WW.

2m2q,

She should be the one wanting to win me back and right the wrong, but I do not see this in her.

I think that in the first 6 mos - year man of us BS feel we had to carry much of the M and R load. This seems to be especially true for WWs. It has also been my experince with WW, and not uncommon with other BHs that WWs are not as "good at" pursuing and winning back BHs as WHs seem to be at pursuing and winning back BWs.

The problem I'm having is that she needs to work on the marriage.

Before much repair can be done to the M, your WW needs to understand, own, and work on fixing her internal issues thast led her to look outside of the M in a time of difficulty, that led her to stay M and cheat rather than D you or have a frank discussion about her intentions.