SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You DO know.

ETA:

Step One: Get some boxes and put all your stuff in them.

Step Two: Call your friends and family and find a temporary home for you and your boxes.

Step 3: Load your boxes into whatever form of transportation you decide to use.

Step 4: Just go.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 10:52 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

Ditto what ThoughtIKnewYa said.

Physical abuse?

No kids?

RUN.

You aren't responsible for her to fix herself. I know she's said and done a lot of scary things, including talking about ending her life. In the end, this is NOT your burden to carry. You've done what you can. You are coming to us for advice. We don't want to see you hit or hurt anymore.

It's time to get out, Jesu.

Jesu, as much as you want this to work, right now it is very much broken, and you can't fix it from inside the fire, you need to get out, get calm, get safe for you and for your WSO.

Put some space between you, put some room to breathe. I'm not suggesting you "throw it all away" but do what is best for you, and that is getting a bit of wiggle room,, some safe room, some safe space and begin the healing process for both of you from a safe distance. You didn't sign up for this type of marriage, you didn't choose for it to be like this, but you can choose what is best for you, you can still be supportive, but you don't have to get burnt over and over again in the process, and you don't have to be used to show someone you love them.

Are you in love with who your WSO is choosing to be right now, or are you in love with who you thought they are or were? There is a differences, choices have repercussions, even your choices, choosing to stay means you get hurt, abused and used... That can stop when you say it is enough, do the right thing, get some sanity, step out and revisit from a new perspective..

Are you in love with who your WSO is choosing to be right now, or are you in love with who you thought they are or were?

Who I thought they were, and who I think they are capable of being, I guess. The harmful destructive person she is being right now is obviously not particularly loveable.

(((Jesu)))

I'm so sorry for your pain and I wanted to let you know that the advice I gave you is not typical for me. I just don't see any other way for you, right now.

What, exactly, happened last night?

Does she want to change??? Just because she is going to IC doesn't mean she wants to change right now.

You need a safe place to be right now especially at night when you are sleeping. You can't predict what is going to happen or when it is going to happen, and you for sure can't see it when you are sleeping. You at least need a place to sleep at, you can still spend time with her but when it's bedtime you leave, she has to realize you are doing this to protect yourself and herself as well. She doesn't want this to escalate to her ending up in jail, and you don't want to end up seriously hurt or worse. You need to get safe for you!!! You can still love her sleeping somewhere else.

I'd like to share a story with you.

My sister was almost killed by her physically abusive boyfriend. He was much smaller than her and never in a million years did she think he'd really hurt her because they loved each other and when things were good they were great. So she based her relationship on the good times. UNTIL.. She was almost murdered!

They had, had an argument. She went into the bathroom and decided to take a shower and let him calm down. Instead he came into the bathroom, opened the shower door and punched her once in the head. He had done this several times before but this time she fell and hit her head on the side of the tub. He went to bed never coming back into the bathroom as she lay in the tub with a brain bleed! He woke the next morning and thought everything was fine and she was just in the bathroom, never realizing that she had never come to bed. He got home that evening and my sister laying dying!! He was afraid (for himself!) so he left and called me and said that she was drunk and wouldn't wake up. I drove 3 hours to her house and called 911 immediately! She was airlifted to the hospital had 5 hrs of brain surgery. Spent a month in the hospital and than another 2 months in physical therapy, learning how to walk and talk again. (This was just one punch) He has arrested and now lives in a prison cell.

This is NOT an isolated story and can and just may happen in your relationship. Get OUT now!!! There were no guns or knives envolved, only a fist from a person who was much smaller than my sister.

This could be your life if you don't get out!

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but after reading 5 pages of posts, I had to chime in.

Please get out now before something more worse happens!

[This message edited by forced2moveon at 11:24 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

Right now you can either choose to stay on the crazy train that she's driving, or you can control your own life. TIKY has given some very concrete steps for doing the latter; the real question doesn't require a whole lot of navel-gazing. What are you willing to do right now to save your life and sanity? How much are your life and sanity worth to you versus being in a relationship with someone who is physically and emotionally abusive and sexually manipulative? Your words won't matter so much as your actions.

What, exactly, happened last night?

We had an argument, which led to her telling me to "fuck off then" and then storming off. I, like an idiot chased after her and told her to calm down. She kept ranting, and at some point I told her to apologise to me. She stood there for a bit, sarcastically said sorry, then went to give me a hug. She did it aggressively, threw her arms around me with force, squeezed me really hard, and then dug her nails right into my back. I screamed in pain and yelled "What the hell do you think you're doing? You just hurt me??". She just said that she didn't mean to hurt me and was just giving me a simple hug. When I insisted on an apology she begun arguing with me saying I was accusing her of doing it on purpose when she didn't. Ok, so the marks on my back from her nails just got there by accident!

[This message edited by Jesu at 11:39 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

OK. There's a name for that and it's 'plausible deniability'. That's when it *could* be unintentional, but really, it's just part of the gaslighting. This is one of the most common ploys of the personality disordered.

What if you startle her in the kitchen and she 'accidentally' plunges a knife into your abdomen?? What if she wakes up from a bad dream and finds she's strangled you?

Look, my ex tried to kill me- multiple times- so I speak from experience. I almost always thought I had misconstrued something or it was somehow my fault. It wasn't.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 11:49 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

Jesu - How are you doing?

First things first...

Get away from her...

Next:

D Don't

E Even

T Think

A About

C Changing

H Her

(((Jesu)))

Do you believe you deserve the abuse? If not, other than loving her, why do you stay and accept this treatment from her? My first relationship was full of DV. I was on the receiving end. I know I stayed primarily because I didn't feel like I was worthy of better, even though I was. Are you in IC for YOU?

Jesu - How are you doing?

Not very well. I'm a mess actually.

Do you believe you deserve the abuse?

Of course not. I don't think she does either.

If not, other than loving her, why do you stay and accept this treatment from her?

I don't accept it. I believe that she does love me, and I don't want to lose her. I believe we can be happy together one day again.

My first relationship was full of DV. I was on the receiving end. I know I stayed primarily because I didn't feel like I was worthy of better, even though I was.

Well, I know I deserve better from her. The reasons that I do love her for though, I know would be impossible to find in another partner again. WSO and I have had a fairly unique relationship.

Are you in IC for YOU?

I've attended one IC session and it did not go the best.