SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You'll have to forgive me because I've never posted anything like this before, but I just don't have anyone to talk to and I feel so alone and confused and devestated.

I have been married for 11 years and am pregnant with our first child.

I recently started suspecting my husband was having an affair with his coworker. I did some digging and found some vague evidence about a week ago. I confronted my husband and of course he denied having an affair. My gut told me that he was lying to me, so I did some more digging and this time came up with lots of concrete evidence in the form of text messages to/from the OW. I confronted him and this time he came clean, he had no choice based on the evidence I brought to the table. I told him I was leaving him as this was a deal breaker for me. This second confrontation happened just this afternoon. He told me the affair was going on for several months, but that he didn't have any feelings for her and that he would stop. However, his text messages lead me to believe otherwise, I think he does have feelings for her.

I have decided to leave him as I feel as if I can never trust him again. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I am just beside myself, I do not know what to do, especially being 3 months pregnant. I guess I'm just looking for some advice and maybe some words of wisdom from someone who has been in my situation.

I had the same thing happen with WS of 18 years company affair. Honestly a terrible thing and I am at 2 years from him leaving me to be with the OW. I was not pregnant but we have wonderful 12yr old twins and I will guarantee you that is the one reason I am alive and here today because of them. You have to think about the child now and take care of yourself I cannot imagine being pregnant and finding out at the same time!! I was so devastated and almost did not recover. I am still not even close to being back to normal after being with someone for over 20 years but the child will save you from this horrible consequence. Maybe after you thinking long and hard and him realizing what he has done to you along with his new child after he meets him or her that could be your life saver and he actually might come crawling back to you!!! Sometimes it takes a wake up call to make people realize what they had before. Of course I am still waiting for mine...at least my apology. Good Luck and take it easy and be with family and friends that will save you. You might think the worse is now but somehow it keeps getting worse and worse. The mind is a terrible thing it never lets you sleep or quit thinking about what has happened.

First off, HB...I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think that men that cheat on their pregnant wives are pretty horrid creatures, but that is just my opinion.

You told your WH that his A is a dealbreaker for you. You have decided to leave him. Do you have a plan?

What does your WH have to say for himself?

Thank you for the kind words. I really don't have anyone I can talk to about this so it really helps.

Yes, I have always said from the beginning of our marriage that A was my one and only deal breaker, so this is nothing new. I think he was surprised that I actually meant it though because today he was telling me there must be some way to fix this and I just insisted no.

That is my big problem though,..... I have NO plan, which makes me feel so vulnerable and to boot I left the house not him because I did not want to be somewhere that reminded me of him/us. Currently staying at a hotel for the night but beyond that I have no plan....

[This message edited by Heartbroken0411 at 11:05 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

I'm curious. Why didn't you insist that HE leave?

First on your agenda needs to be a lawyer contact. There are many posters who knew immediately that they were DONE and took care of business (sorry, I'm not one of them...I'm one of the sloooowww learners )

A caveat (if you live in the US)....many states will allow you to file for D while pregnant, but will not allow the D to be finalized until after the baby is born.

So what can you expect? Expect to go through the stages of grief. Right now you probably feel a bit numb or disconnected. But you are going to get hit with feelings of anger and hurt once the reality sets in...and that is normal.

Read some of the other posts. Check out the library (in the yellow box above Dr. Phil).

If your WH's A is a dealbreaker for you, then it is what it is. You have told him so and he made the choice to *test* you.

However, if he is showing complete remorse for his actions, know that there is no shame in giving yourself and him time to work out whether the marriage can be saved.

Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? Do you have family/friends nearby?

I didn't want to be in the house. I felt it would be too easy for him to access whenever he wanted. I really just wanted to go away and be alone to deal with this new reality.

Yes, I have a job and can support myself. I am so ashamed I do not feel ready to tell my family or friends yet, I just can't deal with everyone knowing right now when I'm still processing everything myself. I just don't see how I could EVER trust him again. I have never been so hurt or betrayed by anyone in my entire life. Of course I am worried about my child and how this will affect the baby. I feel so terrible that there's now a child in the middle of this. I have no idea why my husband would start an affair knowing I was pregnant.

I just can't believe that I'm in this situation.......the worst part about it was that it was chosen for me.

Having someone else make decisions that have a negative impact on YOUR life is a horrible feeling. And it is incredibly unfair.

YOU have not ONE thing to feel ashamed of, this is all your husbands doing. NOT yours. Any shame is his alone. People that have not been in this exact situation do not understand the feelings of disbelief and betrayal so it is a really great thing that you found SI so quickly. There is a lot of strength and support here....for whatever you decide.

Your baby will be fine. Take care of yourself. Make sure to drink lots of water and EAT.

Your WH started an affair while you are pregnant because he is an emotionally immature knucklehead. You can ask yourself that question until the cows come home, but is ANY answer going to be satisfactory? There's not in my mind because cheating on your pregnant wife is just a really asshole thing to do.

You have a leg up, though. You can support yourself so you are not *stuck*. See a lawyer and start looking at cute apartments.

Has your WH attempted to contact you at all since you left?

Again...this is NOT on you. You did not cause it. You are not at fault in any way.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation and I'm sure that it is NOT what you had planned for your life. And it is unjust and unfair that you had no *say* in it.

BUT. YOU will be okay.

(and soon other, more nurturing posters will be along for you. Me? Not so much on the *nurturing* side. )

You've come to the right place Heartbroken, but I'm sorry you have the need to be here.

You said this is a dealbreaker for you. Please see an attorney asap for legal advice. By leaving the marital home, it is considered abandonment in some states. It could hurt you in a divorce. An attorney can advise you on this.

Read and reread in the healing library, located in the upper left corner on this site. There is very valuable information there.

Keep posting and reading here. There are so many caring, helpful and wise people here who will help you get through this.

Take care of yourself. Be sure to eat (even if it's a bite at a time) and drink plenty of fluids. Try to get some rest. See your doctor if need be.

((((Heartbroken0411)))) < means hugs to you.

No, you're right, there's not a single answer in my head that would make me understand why he would have an affair while we were knowingly trying to get pregnant.

DH was contacting me via text message until I texted the OW and he subsequently shut my cell phone service off. So now there's no way to contact me and he does not know where I am staying.

Thank you for your insight and no this is 100% not what I had in mind for my life...

he subsequently shut my cell phone service off

Well alrighty then. Just when I didn't think my opinion of him could sink any lower....

I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was feeling a *bit* sorry, but apparently that benefit was mis-placed. So.....

Definitely. Call a lawyer ASAP and get the ball rolling on this guy.

I can.not be-lieve that he shut off your cell phone. And he doesn't even know where you are!! Wow, he is a total ass. I am so sorry.

Hugs heartbroken. I am also new here. My WH started an affair during his deployment while I was pregnant at home with a baby we planned to have. Not what I pictured my life either. He is continuing the affair...I consulted a lawyer today and am planning to file for divorce.

I think these guys cheating knowing we were pregnant is their way of trying to keep ties or hold onto the best of both worlds. Thinking we won't leave because of the baby.

I am almost 4 months out from dday. It sucks but it gets better. Being on SI and reading a lot helps so much. Please take care of yourself. I will tell you that seeing my baby's smile gives me strength and helps me to know that this marriage gave me them if nothing else and I am thankful and blessed.

You will be ok.

He told me the affair was going on for several months, but that he didn't have any feelings for her and that he would stop.

^^^This. He told you this, but then stops your cell service and he doesn't know where his pregnant wife is or even if she's in a safe place. Does he not even care that you now have no way of contacting anyone in case of an emergency?? This makes me furious!

As far as not having any feelings for OW, then why would he be so concerned if you text her?

Oops, double post. Sorry.

[This message edited by weeping willow at 12:26 AM, September 19th (Wednesday)]

Fenix good to hear from someone in a similar situation that made it through. I am trying to just concentrate on the baby but of course there's so much going on right now. I can't wait to meet my baby and you're right, perhaps this is just what I was supposed to get out of my marriage.

I agree shutting of my cell service was low, even for him.... and I agree, what would he care what I text the OW if he really didn't care about her. As I stated earlier based on the texts I read I do think he has feelings for her and he's just yet again lying.

I need to find an attorney asap...

(((((Heartbroken)))))

I am so sorry. It sickens me to see more and more members who are going through this and are pregnant. Please take care of you and your little miracle. With that said, please have your OB test you for STDs.

Can you find out if the OW has a BS? He needs to know. Do not tell your WH you are doing this as your WH and the OW will cover their tracks and try to make you look like the crazy one.

I am glad you are seeking legal advice. Being out of the home for a day or so should not affect the outcome of the divorce.

Please keep posting - we are here for you.

Hugs,

Lala

First off I'm sry for ur pain secondly I'm new so sry if I'm off in what I say

the cell phone thing may be his way of trying to force u home it may not be the best or right thing but he may mean well if my pregnant. Wife's was as hurt and upset as u are I wouldn't. Want her out if my site

As for the rest take care of ur self eat sleep I know its hard but do it for ur child make no quick decisions now once ur over the very real shock and trama. Decided. What is best fir u

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I discovered my husband was a sex addict right as I conceived my second child. I echo the PP that your child will be OK.

While I can definitely understand why you would NOT want to stay in the house, besides going to the lawyer, I would go back and start making copies of all your important paperwork-particularly the financial stuff. You'll want your own copies of tax returns and all financial statements-including retirement accounts. I would not want to take a day off of work to do this, but at least you would avoid your husband. A lawyer will be able to provide more detailed list of what information you should have.

I am so sorry that you have a man who is not a man. To leave his pregnant wife on her own is a coward. To sleep with someone else while working on getting pregnant? Sleezy.

I know you feel alone but you also seem very strong in your posts. It is NOT OK with how is treating you. It is NOT OK that he is protecting the OW and not you. And it is NOT OK that he left you with no way to reach anyone. (although it may be to your advantage to go buy your own phone now with your own number and do not give it to him).

Take care of yourself. Protect you and that baby. Silence for your WS. Call an attorney, look into all of your joint accounts, make sure you have a credit card in your name only and just stay strong.

I am so sorry. But you will find strength here.

Call your OB. They will have a list or really good counselors for you. You should have a live person to bounce things off and help keep you calm and strong.

Def see the attny today if you can. Take him off your joint accounts and make sure you have your own, your name only, and fund it well!

You can do this. And remember, nothing is written in stone. Very often, a wh's ass gets unstuck and they fly right. Not always, but sometimes. Keep an open mind, unless you are sure.

Find out ASAP if ow is married. If she is, tell her husband. If she's not, tell her parents, whomever. That's not your problem, it's their part of the fall out. It often stops any nonsense immediately. It's not so fun when it's not a secret.

Keep posting, and tell your Dr.s what is going on so they can help you with your pregnancy.

You did not choose this, that's the hardest of all.

(((HB0411)))

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm glad you found us for the emotional support you need right now. We are all here for you.

My FWH cheated on me when our first child was a baby 16 years ago and never told me (read my profile). I know you don't feel lucky, but at least you know. I found out 16 years later and had another child with him and yes, I don't regret it, we've been married almost 20 years but he had NO right cheating on me then and never telling me. He never confessed. I found out. At least you can decide for yourself whether or not you want to stay with him. I didn't get that choice. Imagine that for just a moment.

Eight months of IC has shown me that my H is (was) very immature. Men who cheat on their pregnant wives or soon after the birth of a child aren't just cruel, they are mixed up and have their own abandonment issues. For my FWH, he didn't have the courage or the ability to be truthful and express his deepest demons to me. It doesn't excuse him in the least. I have told him I will probably never forgive him, he had NO right deciding for me to stay with him.

That being said, I do have the choice now, and we have been through 8 months of IC and MC and we just might make it after all. He's doing the hard work on himself and is on AD meds and can't believe that was him. (I can't either). We still have a long, long road ahead, but we are getting there.

Take care of YOU now, and tell someone who will help you, not judge you. You have done NOTHING WRONG.

Hugs to you dear. My heart goes out to you.