SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

i posted a few days ago and only heard only from a few...

hence the 2nd posting.. looking for input from a WW

I am 5 months (april 2012)from confrontation date of my WW.(EA & PA- former boss)

In MC (both in IC also)

i learned her "A" was 6 yrs long....

phone Contact continued with the AP for 3 months (into late july)...AP wife and i made contact and after she confronted AP, we have made daily contact for several months and knew every move they made until all communication stopped. It was my WW that initiated the NC to work on our M. She lied to me about the NC until i contronted again and she stopped all contact. she even apologized to our marriage counselor about her lies to her about NC.

AP and his wife are in R" however,unlike my WW, the AP cant talk enough to satisfy his faithful wives questions

What a difference between the male and the female that had the "A" in discussing the "A" details with their faithful spouses. AP is almost begging for forgiveness and understnds completely how he put his marriage and family at risk for his selfish actions.

MY WW has been very slow to talk about the "A" and only recently had confided to me she needs to continue IC to find out why she was able to do this and risk her family and our M. She needs to understand herself so she wont repeat these behaviors

IF I TALK ABOUT ANY TRIGGERS... she goes inward...doesnt know what to say...wont read any books...becasue its too painful to read them. I tell her the books will help her....but she refuses

WW please...COMMENTS/your INsights.....help

i am looking for comments from WW's or BS-H who had similar situation with WW

Why is it taking her so long to start talking?

everytime i bring up the topic in the last 5-6 weeks, she breaks down and starts crying....in some cases physically shaking also...telling me how bad she feels for what she did..

this is a total opposite of when i confronted her last april..when she said "she had no remorse and was not guilty at all"

it has taken months..for her walls to begin to come down and begin to open up...but now she cant handle any questions from me

one week from today we have a 2 hour couples session with our MC where she is preparing herself mentally to answer any and all my questitons....

can anyone help me understand what she is feeling internally....so i can better understand what she is feeling and thinking

her IC sessions are 2 hrs every week...where mine are only 1 hr a week.... seems like the guilt is eating away at her like a cancer

she is putting in the work now

if this the Fog lifting???

comments please....

me: BS-58

her: WW-57 (PA & EA- 6 yrs.)

married 25 yrs on 9-20-12

1 Daughter -23 yrs.old

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 1:03 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

I don't think I will EVER get all the details...Even now when I'm having a bad day, triggering... My WW can see it and feel it but won't say a word to me...like I HAVE to tell her how she should respond... I just lost my Mother last Monday, and now I have that to deal with on top of this...

Hi there,

I'm a WW although didn't have an LTA. I just wanted to comment that I have an idea that I know what she is feeling..

I'm having a seriously tough time with my guilt, shame, disgust and remorse for my cheating. It's eating me up inside. I believe that SI has really helped me, mainly by supporting and knocking sense into me when needed.

Would your WW join SI? She might need some extra support besides IC, MC. It does sound like the fog is lifting and now she doesn't know what to do with it all besides bury herself in it. Being able to see the damage of what you caused is unreal.

I'm thinking she might have already had tendencies of keeping her thoughts to herself. The A has only highlighted her weaknesses with communication.

I will say that she needs to step up to the plate more to help you with your healing. I try to focus on that every day but currently overwhelmed by my own horrible feeling. SI is so helpful for WS so I would suggest for her to join if she is up for it.

mandmr1

thank you...what is it ...that when we are triggering....they dont know what to say to help us?

i am soo sorry for your hurts...and continued pain

have they coocooned themselves to the point...our pain is meaning less to them?

or is it too painful for them to feel the emotional pain the inflicted on us...so they erect walls....to insulate and selfishly protect themselves....?

the infidelity ws a selfish act and now in "R" to continue that behavior, is selfish to me

sending you strength to get thru these very difficult times

Why is it taking her so long to start talking?

Your dday is fairly recent. Add to that the continued contact and all of this very recent. She is just beginning to grasp the enormity of her actions. The fantasy bubble has burst, OM showed his true colors and she is now seeing what she did. The shame, guilt and regret are more than she can handle. However, those are not remorse so she has work to do to get there.

Like MUC I am a WW but did not have a LTA.

I will say that it's good that OM is throwing your WW under the bus with his own BW, hopefully that helps you to be sure that NC stays NC since that was an issue before.

But regarding her not wanting to answer questions and just crying about it... I think that is a bad sign, especially if she is staying in this place of wallowing without making progress on herself (and therefore progress on R). Did you get all facts or are you learning things via contact from the OM's BW? Is your WW still hiding stuff or does she come out and tell you more than you have evidence of?

She made this mess, she needs to "woman up" and get to work fixing it. Its good that you say she is in IC for so many hours, but it's a waste of $ if she isn't being genuine... Don't you feel like you wasted $ when she was breaking NC for several months?

This confuses me

it has taken months..for her walls to begin to come down and begin to open up...but now she cant handle any questions from me

How is she opening up if it's not with answers to your questions? Do you feel secure and that she is being genuine with her feelings?

I can relate but I don't have many suggestions.

After DDay there was 10 months of lies, secrets, I don't remembers, and half truths. It tore me up inside. Every bit of information had to be dragged out of her, nothing was volunteered.

Most comforting has to be asked for and I need to follow up on transparency and NC agreements.

She has gotten a little better recently. I am real sick of putting in all the effort to repair what she broke. Sorry for the vent. I intended to offer support.

thank you to everyone for comments...

i am responding to nothingelsematters

i got most of my info. so far from a PI and AP's wife

she has been walled up for months now....working on herself thru IC sessions...

says she needs to understand herself first before she can talk to me.... counselor says my wife is messed up and needs time to let these walls come down

however, wife set up our saturday 2-hr CC session...and knows we will finally get the 200 tons elephant out of the room

she has restricted us to talking about the "A" in couples sessions only...

so our home doesnt become a trigger for "us"

counselor said that...too or told us to go to a hotel and talk...just dont turn your home into the talk zone ...

that will be full of bad memories...home is to be sanctuary for both of us

i have been patient...and have my list of questions for saturday

she answered some of my questions about 3 weeks ago...when i started at about 5:30 in the morning with triggers...

exchange went calmly...and i got truth from her.... she also thanked me for being so calm..considerate of her and kind.....she said that made it easier for her to talk and speak the truth

Perhaps she is grieving the OM and when you trigger, it causes her to trigger about her feelings as well, so she retreats?

Hi Hurts....as with the other 2 WW's who have replied, my A was not a long term thing. More like a 3 day ONS.

My first thought after reading your post is that she may be in a sort of shock, first..shock that the world knows her secret now, and second, it may be shock that something that has been an everyday part of her life for SIX long years has come to an abrupt halt.

Life as she has become accustomed to it.....is over. She might be feeling the shock of losing OM, or that he threw her under the bus....she may be reeling from his betrayal of their dirty little secret...IDK.

There are a lot of things that go through your mind when you're where she is, not the least of which is trying to reconcile who she has become with who she thinks she IS.

I went through that...feeling a LOT of pure disgust and shame at my actions...questioning HOW on earth I could have gotten involved in something like that...and--OMG, I really DID this!

Now, that is me, and that is after basically no time involved in the A at all. How your WW has been able to carry on a double life for SIX years is what blows my mind.

I can't even begin to imagine doing that, and she may be coming to the realization that she doesn't know herself anymore either. It sounds like she may have a lot of deep seated issues that allowed her to justify what she has been doing for this long.

That may be why she is acting as she is and seems dazed much of the time, she's probably trying to wrap her head around what a fricking MESS she has nade of her life.

seems like the guilt is eating away at her like a cancer

It probably is. Coming out of the 'fog' can be pretty traumatic IF you are truly remorseful and wondering what the F*CK you just did to your life, your family, your spouse...I remember equating the moment I realized the enormity of what I had done as having a bucket of ice water thrown on me. It was very emotionally distressing and affected my physical health as well.

I don't know if this has ben helpful at all, but the way you describe her a year ago in April sounds just like me, as well. I had built up such resentment over things that I felt like I was taking control of my life and I justified it in that manner.

Very twisted thinking, looking back. You are honestly at the tip of the iceberg right now. This will be a long road for you both.

Good Luck to you!

I hope your big elephant day Saturday goes well.

says she needs to understand herself first before she can talk to me.... counselor says my wife is messed up and needs time to let these walls come down

Did the counselor tell you this personally or are you hearing it secondhand from your WW? And what about you? Still left hanging while she takes time to let the walls down? I know it takes some WS time for fog to go away... I said some stupid $h!t around DDay but realized real quick how daft I was and what pain it put my H thru. Some of that is because my WH/BH said some stupid $h!t too so I learned how it felt. But it's been months since your DDay and a few since NC... I can't make generalizations about WS in general because everyone is different... And I don't know your WW, but you do. Do you feel like it is taking an unreasonably long amount of time for you to get answers? Do you feel like this "time for her to tear down walls" is coming at your expense? If so, I suggest considering bringing it up in the Big Elephant Session this weekend.

IMO in A's, there is already so much pain that comes at the BS expense. Why add more? There should be no new hurts and if dragging this out is hurting you more, then it is a new hurt, no?

I do agree that there should be set times and lengths of time to talk about the A to roughly stick to. Within mutually agree upon reason, I think this is good. Talking about stuff right before bed is often a bad idea for us because we end up staying up too late or having trouble sleeping due to being agitated. We do talk in our houses (live separately) or on phone though. Someone on SI said they go places, like to a park or something together to talk about it. You have to go home eventually to eat or sleep or whatever so you won't be there indefinitely. That way the WS can't complain too much about being grilled and the BS can get a break too. Talking about this can be so painful.

Are you both seeing the same IC for IC and MC??

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 1:50 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

good..

thank you....and maybe its withdrawal or grieving from the loss of the AP

difficult for me to know when she doesnt talk...but that is coming up..

we are going on a 2 week mediterranean cruise in 3 weeks..for our 25th anniv.

WW wants to get all of this out befoer the trip...so we can enjoy and reconnect

sounds great...but i do have a raised eyebrow....

As much as I hate to say this, it is possible your wife is having withdrawal from the A.

My H's A was 2 1/2 yrs, and looking back, I think he went through a period something much like a withdrawal from drugs.

You do something for so long, it becomes a habit. Especially if it has feelings associated with it that you like. Now that the AP has been very clear that he wants NC and wants everything to work with his wife, the drug is gone.

I could be way off for your situation, but when I look back on mine, I know that was part of it.

myheartstill hurt

thank you....

to answer you question

my WW doesnt know the AP tossed her under the bus...i know that from AP's wife...

last call they had was in july...and it was my wife that called him..to tell him there would be no more contact

AP's wife heard my wifes VM..telling him not to call on the secret phone..to use her normal cell

ap called WW back in 2 minutes...a 17 minute call talk took place..and that was the end...

all the info, on AP working on his marriage and how he realizes his mistake has come from his wife to me

they also have hysterical bonded too....unlike us

hurts - sorry things are going slow. It's early days yet for you. I agree with Brandon. Sounds like she's fully immersed in HER feelings right now. The shutting down/going into sobbing fits may be a control method for her. My fWW also has very tall walls inside...I had no idea. It has taken almost 2 years since the last Dday for her to come to what I consider something resembling real remorse and to start to establish real open honest communication. Yours in in IC earlier than mine, so that may help. It's a long, slow, frustrating process at times.

Hang tough and try to focus on healing yourself.

Your W's affair was fairly long. Have you been to the long term affair thread down in the I can relate forum? They might be able to help you out as well.

I know for myself probably the first 6 months or so was spent in heavy duty shame and a lot of crying. I was really not much help or support to my H at all. I wanted to be, I tried, but wallowing in shame got me nowhere fast. I had always had very high walls around me.

If your wife is anything like that, this is going to be very tough for her. At some point she has to move out of the shame and regret and get to true remorse or the M cannot begin to recover.

hursobadinside,

PM sent

I was going to post, but once I finished writing I was not comfortable posting in R. I have some experience with a FWW similar to how your WW sounds.

I will make this public comment:

I tell her the books will help her....but she refuses

Your WW has to decide she wants to fix herself, R, whatever, and what path she will take. I took me too long to understand it was not in my hands. Once I backed off FWW did not get better, the M did not get better, but I did.

i want to thank each and every SI friend that has helped me through this emltional mess.

Your support helps keep me going expecially with the fact many of you are going through of have went through the same hurts of betrayal and infidelity.

I feel at time as if i am still in my infancy based on the length of time many of my SI friends have been in R" but in reading all their stories, it gives me hope...which is about all i have at this time

i hope someday i can make that difference for a hurting SI friend

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 8:27 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

I havent posted in a few months because i have been working on my "M"

Cruise went well for us..out 25th anniv cruise ...2 wks in Itsly

we had a wonderful time and began our sex life again.

WW still has some issues she is dealingn with and still is not talking.

The plan was to bury all this and move forward together.

Ok i get that and agreed to that to see if that strategy would allow her to open of and begin "talking"

still nothing... given to me on the "A" other than what came out in CC session before she blew up when i asked if "intercourse" had occurred

last week i had a tremensous trigger day...one yr to that date she lied to me and said she had an early morning meeting and needed to stay close to work to get in early the next morning. She stayed with the AP that night.

i told her when she came home from work about my trigger and once again she wouldnt be a good listenere to me. She quickly got angry and started siting issues that were bad in out marriage which we have worked thru in threapy.

I desparately need to talk about triggers and discuss them in a healthy way...but she is still locked up and wont talk

i truly believe she thinks all this can be swept under the carpet...and never talked about...which i wont stand for

She has asked for patience, and i have given her un-conditional patience and still she has offered very vey little information

she has refused to read any books which may have helped her "get it"

she is a control freak and admits that herself to me and thanks me for being so patient with her

i see her working very hard to control everything in this so -called recovery timeframe

and i cant carpet sweep....i need to talk and get certain details