SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I’ve posted before, I kissed another man before my husband and I were engaged. And I lied to him about it for 8 years. DDay was about 2 months ago.

My husband has told me that he has "forgiven" me but the anger is still very much there. We will go for a week communicating and trying to work on things... and then all of the sudden the anger will come back and I'm back on the couch and he can't even look at me. I'm getting used to the roller coaster but I've been feeling very numb lately. He also told me he isn't sure he believes in marriage anymore and that monogamy doesn't work.

We are both in IC, and this week his therapist talked to him about a penance to help him get over these issues. I do not have a problem with doing something to ease his pain, an action that will show him how much the R does mean to me.

But he is talking about wanting to have a revenge affair. He feels it wasn't fair for me to look for attention for attention from someone else and kiss them. So now he wants to go on dates until he feels a spark with someone and can kiss them and possibly sleep with them. And he thinks I just need to be OK with that. The thought breaks my heart. I could almost deal with the kiss, one kiss. But I can't bear the thought of him sleeping with someone else. I don't see how this would "help" our relationship. I want this relationship to work so badly but I just don't know that I have the strength to do that.

Does anyone else have any examples of a penance that they have done in their R to make things work?

I feel so sad and lost and alone :(

Absurd. He's looking for an excuse to cake eat and I bet he has someone picked out already.... speaking as someone whose husband did have 2RA, it makes things 100% worse. Guaranteed.

tell him you'll do his laundry for a month.

Although I'm not a fan of deceit by omission, kissing a man BEFORE you were ever engaged or married is not exactly cheating unless the two of you were living together for years as a committed couple.

Please stay in counseling because, from reading on a board such as this one, and not knowing him, it's difficult for me to know whether he really is hurt or using this single kiss as a way to bully an control you - and have an excuse to screw around on the side.

I'm no real help here, am I?

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:08 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

doublepost

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:08 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

He's looking for an excuse to cake eat

^^^

agree.

His idea of "penance" doesnt sound healthy at all.

calamitywife1 – There are all sorts of red flags and wayward thinking from your husband. IMO, he needs IC to figure out why he thinks destroying his morals will make him feel better.

[t/j]

Although I'm not a fan of deceit by omission, kissing a man BEFORE you were ever engaged or married is not exactly cheating unless the two of you were living together for years as a committed couple.

Heavy Sigh – IMO, If they were in a committed monogamous relationship it was cheating, regardless of the length or marital status.

[/t/j]

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 8:24 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

We were together 7 months when I kissed this other guy, and we had just moved into together.

I understand why he is very much hurt because he thought that our relationship was one way, that we were both dedicated to one another and he feels like our whole past is now a lie. It happened when he thought everything was "good" in our relationship.

He feels like I "trapped" him and he is stuck in our marriage.

[This message edited by calamitywife1 at 6:42 AM, October 1st (Monday)]

and so a tit for tat situation will "unstick" him? Doesn't work that way and he knows it. He's just trying to hurt you. He needs a healthier way to deal with this anger..

double post sorry!

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:51 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

kissing a man BEFORE you were ever engaged or married is not exactly cheating unless the two of you were living together for years as a committed couple.

Quoted for Truth!

I don't know much about your situation, calamitywife1. But from what you've shared, it seems like your husband is making a mountain out of an anthill (molehill would be too big).

And I'm speaking as a pretty wary, slightly paranoid BH here!

[This message edited by Neithan at 9:03 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

I'm gonna ignore the whole issue of how serious this was.

Also gonna ignore the crap about him wanting to have an affair.

I have to say I am not a big fan of the idea of one performing "penance" in their relationship to please their partner. If someone does something wrong and they want to perform some sort of penance for themselves to try and balance their own scales, thats fine. If one partner expects the other to perform penance, to suffer because of their past (or current) mistakes, that is just not a healthy relationship dynamic.

Was this actually suggested by a therapist, or was it just a discussion with the therapist that he twisted into some kind of advice that he should get some on the side?

aesir:

I think he brought it up and then they discussed it. She said that she has seen situations where it works, assuming that both parties agree to the terms of the penance. He did not say if they discussed a revenge affair, but he did bring it up to me in terms of a penance.

I honestly would do just about anything to make this marriage work and show him how dedicated I am. I feel I am doing that already though. I am in IC, have cut out my toxic family, and I am being open and honest with him.

He just still has so much anger and I think he doesn't know what to do with it.

Even in a medeival religious sense, what he is talking about is not penance.

Penance involves an action by the "sinner" to somehow atone for their sins. He is talking about you doing absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing while he goes running around on dates, seeing what comes up, maybe sleeping around, and you are supposed to do absolutely nothing.

If this was the therapists idea (I'm sure it wasn't, but you never know with some of the wacky theories), then it is time for a new therapist. If this wasn't the therapists idea, then he should save his money and not make any more appointments until he is prepared to actually go in and pay more attention than Peter Griffin.

Penance involves an action by the "sinner" to somehow atone for their sins. He is talking about you doing absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing while he goes running around on dates, seeing what comes up, maybe sleeping around, and you are supposed to do absolutely nothing.

This is true, I guess my atonement would be to live with the pain like he is.

FWIW, my IC told me the same thing. The penance should be something that I do to "make it up to him" and something that does not do more damage to our relationship than already has been done.

Does anyone else have any ideas for a penance? He did ask me what I thought a fair penance would be, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what will make him feel better.

To be honest, I think he is lying about the therapist (although you never know; there are a lot of quacks these days), and he sounds like an asshole. Good luck, but I have the feeling that if you bend over backwards for this guy, that you'd better enjoy staying in that position.

*my spidey senses are tingling*

Punishing someone for wrongs is not healthy, things will never be ‘even’ and ultimately leads to a very unhealthy relationship. Our MC and I walked through the ‘making it even’ but the thing is I was able to see that nothing will ‘make it even’ especially after reading on here for a while. Then add to that the fact that kissing someone pre-M and a RA are no were near even.

He just still has so much anger and I think he doesn't know what to do with it.

Be careful with this. He may be as angry as you say, or he may see a way to ‘get his’ and is going to take full advantage, especially if he knows this:

I honestly would do just about anything to make this marriage work and show him how dedicated I am.

It's wayward thinking at it's best.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 10:07 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

I honestly would do just about anything to make this marriage work and show him how dedicated I am.

It's wayward thinking at it's best.

Can you explain this comment?

Hi Calamitywife,

Sorry to hear about the troubles. My BH had brought up RA on 2 occasions..

It was discussed in this epic long thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=471247

Maybe there are some posts in that thread that will help you handle your BH's thoughts.

And honestly he's been talking about the revenge affair since DDay. He's backtracked several times... saying first that he only said it to hurt me, and then saying no he really wants to, and then no, he knows it will only hurt things.

I don't think he knows what he wants.

Speaking as a madhatter, I will open with NONONO to him SLEEPING with someone else. That he has suggested it is a crock. Be concerned.

I understand that you feel some guilt. My H had a yearlong A with his ex before we married. The guilt ate at him for years, even affecting our sex life. He found relief from "forgiving himself", going to confession, locking me down by marrying me so I could never run away, and generally just forgetting about it. He knew I would be SO OUTTA there if I ever found out.

He felt such guilt that he even suggested that I could fool around with guys as long as actual sex wasnt involved, meaning oral would be ok. I still didn't know about his A, he wanted me in the dark but felt his conscience might be more assauged if I got this hall pass. He suggested this minutes before I confessed to my ONS. And I am so so glad I did not "get to take" this hall pass he was offering. It would have been so toxic to our M. Cheating cannot be healed with more cheating.

I'm sorry you are going through this... I would gently suggest that you keep an eye on him, too...