SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((lime))

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's as simple as you asking him to stop calling her. Keep your eyes open for a secret cell phone -- they may have just gone underground.

Also, I have to call bullshit on the only having sex one time. I can't imagine that I would use toys with someone the very first time.

Don't allow yourself to be Plan B. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you expect - and then back it up. Anything else is demeaning to you as his spouse.

I am assuming they will ask me what I need from him tonight and I've been thinking about it.

1) absolutely no contact. I want her blocked on facebook and on his phone. Both her work and personal numbers.

2) Complete transparency.

3) complete honesty.

Hi Lime,

I am so sorry you are going through this mess. I was in a similar situation wherein my fWH kept talking to skank. Even though there was no more physical contact, he told himself it was okay, since he ended the physical part.

First and foremost, it is NOT okay for him to talk to her, look her up on FB, Google, Skanks-R-Us or anything else! He must choose, immediately, you or her. He has to know you are serious about ending the M, that you will NOT share him with skank. He needs to make that decision and do it today!

I spoke to an attorney, made my H fully aware that I was meeting with him. We were in marriage counseling, and he just lied to the counselor (and me) that he was no contact with skank. But in talking to it, he was filling some perverse need he had. It fed his ego. It was a continuation of the A, with or without physical contact.

I would 180 this man until he de-fogs. My H did not de-fog until he knew I was serious about ending the M. If I were you, I would 180 hard, no doing his laundry, no cooking for him, no sleeping with him, no marriage counseling (a waste of time and $ at this point, in my opinion), nothing. You are disinterested in what he does, because until he has ended this A, you want nothing to do with him. You want to save the M, but you will not beg him to be faithful to you. You will be fine without this man, if that is the way things turn out.

When I did the 180, my H went crazy. It is so out of my nature. He ended up on his knees sobbing, asking for one more chance. That was the time he finally got serious and called it quits with skank. And he found remorse.

The 180 will empower you. The 180 will help you pick up your dignity and hold your head high. Get busy doing things for yourself, and speak with him only about children and finances. Otherwise, you are too busy, too disinterested to discuss the sorry state of the M. Let him know you plan to speak with an attorney, let him know you are serious about not living in Infidelity-land. And he has a lot of work to do to help you heal.

So sorry, I hope he gets it soon. Take care.

Shattered,

How long did you have to do 180 before you broke through? I have been looking through it this morning and it looks like good stuff.

Don't make the mistake of allowing an indefinite amount of time to pass for your WH to make a decision. I agree with the others about the 180... and it's fine to give some time for the fog to lift, but for your own sanity... your patience should have a limit.

In my situation, from somewhere deep within I found the strength to tell my FWH immediately that if he wanted our marriage that NC with all OW's was mandatory and that I wanted a decision right here and right now whether he wanted our marriage or he wanted to be single. I gave him about 5 minutes to decide and I was prepared to do whatever was necessary if he decided to cake eat or sit on the fence. I knew right away that I wasn't going to be his second choice... and any waivering he did would have pushed me right out the door. I was very fortunate that I somehow found the strength to stand up for myself. I was NOT going to be in a marriage with more than just him and I!!!

I think instead of going home to have lunch with him I'll pick something up and have it at my desk. I don't really want to sit in silence during lunch anyway.

The 180 is for you, lime. It isn't to knock your WH out of the fog, it is to empower you. Sometimes a side effect of the 180 is a WS getting out of the "fog", but that truly isn't the purpose of the 180. Do not have that expectation or you may be disappointed.

This is a case where I would highly recommend you practice and do the 180. Your WS is cake eating and will continue to do so for as long as he can.

(((lime)))

Lime,

I'm sorry you are here. The article you quote does say that there may be negative consequences to forcing the end, but what it also states towards the end is that you should not just let the affair continue but if your H is not willing to end it you should in no way participate in the marriage.

It is more often than not the shock of realisation that they are losing you and their marriage that forces a WS back into reality.

I didn't tell my H, but after I asked him to leave I had given him a limit of 1month, I knew that if he had not realised what he was losing and was willing to put some fight up for it then I was gone, it took 18 days.

There is no place for 3 people in a marriage, my advice would be to 180, or eve better tell him you want him to leave and until he is willing to do anything to save it, start working on yourself as though the marriage is over.

[This message edited by TMR0601 at 11:41 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]

While I can't reach out to her SO, should I inform her boss that she spent over an hour last month using the business phone to have an affair?

HiLime,

I did the 180 intermittently, but when I found the secret e-mail, I went ballistic. He now says that he knew at that point that he had to go NC and begged for a second chance. He had to truly believe I was going to D him.

oh hunny. you must give him the ultimatum.

"he trying"?

no he's not. he's eating cake thinking eventually he'll have the balls to choose. right now he wants her but he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of choosing her...a messy divorce and crapload of guilt for screwing you over. if you wait long enough, he'll use you as the excuse that he had to leave...make you the bad guy.

PUSH him off the fence. choose YOU. you can't go wrong by choosing yourself. you will watch yourself get stronger and stronger. you will learn to love YOU more than he ever could. you will easily come to demand more from someone who claims to love you and who makes promises to protect and cherish you. eventually one or more of the following will happen:

you will realize you don't want him anymore

you will see him for the weak thing he is and not what you wished he was or could be

he will come to admire and desire you in your new strength

he will turn his life around

he will run, scared and pathetic to arms of another weak soul who makes him seem strong by comparison, and you WILL NOT be his backup plan...

right now, whether he realizes it or not, he sees a woman who will let him walk all over her. he thinks he has all the power. take it back. shake this thing up. he's not going to stop until he can't have both. his little brain is still trying to figure out how to pacify you and keep her.

take that option away and make him realize he has one and only choice to make. you or her.

it's time. lots of times they walk away only to come running back to you...maybe that will happen...but if it does, you better be ready and strong enough to force his hand and get him to do the real work necessary for R...not just hope you feel lucky that he picked you.

it's your turn to pick!!!

[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:10 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]

Lime,

Sorry you are here. I echo what a lot of others are saying. Don't use the 180 to change him, use it for yourself and if in the process it helps to change him then all the better. But don't assume it will change him. I went into 180 thinking it would change my WW and it didn't but it did help me decided to file.

You need to decide where your breaking point/line in the sand is. It is not okay for you to share him with someone else. Many here told me that and once I was in 180 and realized this I even told my WW this when I set the ultimatum. She didn't want to change and I didn't feel the need to continue to support her and her lifestyle so I filed. It is a hard road but one in which (and everyone is telling me this as well) you will get to find a better place for yourself away from all this BS. Hugs to you and stay strong.

Would it be okay to bring this up tonight during therapy?

Hi Lime, sorry you find yourself here honey.

IMO, you've tried nice, you tried talking, you've tried asking... time for a bit of shock and awe...

Don't tell your WS that you're going to be doing the 180, just do it. It's for you, to strengthen your resolve, make you stronger in yourself and maintain your pride and dignity, no chat, no cooking, no laundry, no sharing a bed.... be busy, have places to go, chat to friends, be somewhere else not hanging around the house looking heartbroken (as you're perfectly entitled to do).

Your H is mooning over another woman, totally unacceptable. He was shameless enough to tell you, his wife, that he loved another, I've heard these words too, and they are seared into your brain forever.

If you have MC tonight (in my opinion a waste of $$ at this stage), tell him that you have decided that you cannot and will not live with infidelity, you will not share your husband, you want an honest and authentic life. If he can commit to you and share your life then fine, long road ahead, but you can get there. However, unless he can give you a "yes" immediately, (and I mean immediately) then he needs to pack and go.

How long he stays in this fantasy land with you and the OW hanging on saying "pick me, pick me" is up to you honey. My vote would be for not another day!

Please think of yourself, and protect your already damaged heart, you shouldn't have to be in a position of being an option, you should be the goal.

Hugs Lime, lots of hugs.

Hi Lime

I would not even attend therapy with him while he is still talking to it. But that is just me. 180 is to empower you, go for it!!

Just got back from our appointment.

Instead of marriage counseling, we're going to do "discernment counseling". This is to help us see where we want to go with this. We'll only be scheduling sessions one at a time, where we spend a small amount of time at the beginning of the session talking about where we're at, then we each meet one-on-one with the therapist, and then we finish with another check in.

Sounds like an exit A for your WS. If that is the case, understand trying to be nice and understanding gains you contempt from him. Don't be a doormat. Show him you can live without him (fake it until you make it). Remember he isn't the only one who can make decisions about what is going on. You can choose to stand up for yourself and let him know if he continues with her, you won't be Plan B or any kind of backup plan for him.

Don't just wait on him and what he is going to do....start making plans for what you are going to do. If you wait, if he goes you will be lost, start now planning to protect yourself. If he gets his head straight you can always back off your plans...but don't let him drive all the time.

I started 180 this evening. Mostly because I know now that I've been denying the fact that my marriage really is in danger. I'm 100% into making this work, and he's not.

I'm going to do 180 for myself. Because I realize now that very soon I could be alone.

Knock his ass off the fence. You do not share your husband with a whore. Either he chooses you or he chooses divorce.

I have a doctor's appointment today. I weighed myself and have lost 9 pounds since the 16th.