SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just wanted to fill everyone in on what happened last night.

After my appointment, the doctor sat with me for a while and talked about it. He helped me see that I had given him too many allowances and it was literally making me sick. So when I got home I confronted him.

I told him he was going to have to pick her or me. I can't continue to wait for him to decide, because I'm sick, and it's only going to get worse.

We talked for four hours and laid it all on the table. Everything. Finally he asked if he could work on himself first, that he didn't feel like he could really love anyone until he took care of his issues. I agree.

He moved into the guest bedroom, and we are both going to go to individual counseling for the time being. Right now we're going to take care of ourselves first. We'll see where the relationship goes from there.

So he needs to work on himself before he can decide between you and his girlfriend?

Are you insisting on NC while you two are working on this? That is the only way to give your relationship a fair chance is to remove the interference from the OW.

If he did not agree to NC, then not much has been accomplished other than he has moved to the other bedroom.

I agree with K9.

If the plan is to attempt R by working on yourselves first, that is one thing. And actually it is a very good realization and plan of action.

However. The rules need to apply during this time period. NC with OW, transparency, honesty, etc...

Without those things, then your WH is just being a cake-eater.

Sorry lime but it doesn't sound like you accomplished anything except your H sleeping in another room. He convinced you to back off and he gets to continue his life as is? How is that going to help save your M? It just gives him more time to sit on the fence and cake eat. He needs to go NC immediately and permanently with the OW.

Sorry lime but it doesn't sound like you accomplished anything except your H sleeping in another room. He convinced you to back off and he gets to continue his life as is? How is that going to help save your M? It just gives him more time to sit on the fence and cake eat. He needs to go NC immediately and permanently with the OW.

Good advice here...

Lime, what helped me tremendously was to get away. Stay with a friend. Stay with family. Some might think YOU shouldn't have to be the one to leave since you didn't betray, but I can't tell you how much clarity I got from just being away. For me, infidelity was a deal-breaker. I was done. He wanted to live in the house together & expected me to watch him come & go, while living in one of the guest rooms. Um. No.

When I went to "live" with my mother (be careful here, though, don't take everything & "move out"), met with an attorney & made it "real" (by having the Property Settlement Agreement written so he had to move out & I refinanced the house) was when he was interested in talking. My mind was made up, though. There was just no going back for me. I know myself. I would never trust again & in that instant, the M died, but I swear by giving yourself some space. He's going to do what he wants anyway---you can't stop him. Space is for your own sanity & clarity.

Have you been tested for STDs? Very, very important to do so...again, for YOU. Don't believe much of what he tells you either...once they're caught, they scramble & will say anything.

You will get great advice here. Keep posting & reading & reach out to people.

Hugs.

Sorry you're here.

K-9 is spot on! He now has you off of his back. As long as he is still in contact with her....then you are accomplishing nothing. That 'let me fix me first, so that we can fix us' spill is aka 'I have bought more time to pursue a relationship outside of my marriage while my wife waits' This is not rocket science. He is married. What he needs to 'repair' is the fact that he has a girlfriend and a wife. Please hear me (all of us) when we say DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYMORE TIME. It will only get worse if you allow him to sit on the fence, for the sake of your marriage-KNOCK him off of that fence. Wishing you strength!!

Very bluntly, you've already lost your husband, and the marriage you had (or thought you had) is over. To be honest, I don't really think that the BS's response in any way promotes or discourages reconciliation; "pushing" him to go NC will not change his decision. He's made it already---he just hasn't been strong and/or honest enough to communicate to what he chooses to commit.

For YOUR emotional health (because yes, yours is every bit as important as his), it's critical that he commits, one way or the other.

Having strong boundaries and enforcing them will promote YOUR emotional well-being. It may or may not have an effect on your husband. One thing you'll learn pretty quickly is that you can't control your husband's thoughts, feelings, or actions--even though right now, you feel as though your responses will do just that. They won't.

Choosing actions that are empowering for YOU will not change the course of your marriage; only your husband's commitment to your marriage will do that. However, choosing actions that empower you will profoundly affect your self-esteem at this esteem-crushing time.

What remains to be determined is whether he is willing and/or able to do what it takes to build a NEW marriage with you--one in which infidelity is NOT an option as a "coping" technique.

Going NC is the bare-bones necessity for demonstrating this willingness/commitment.

I do understand that he is mentally ill. But PTSD does not remove his ability to distinguish right from wrong.

It does not excuse an affair.

It does not preclude absolute NC with a woman willing to destroy him, his marriage, and his family.

While you can (and undoubtedly will) empathize with his struggle, it's imperative that you not accept it as a reason for his infidelity.

He wasn't too emotionally fragile to lead a double life in which he knowingly harmed you. Therefore, he's not too fragile to man up and establish firm NC.

Millions of hugs to you. I know it's difficult; my husband was both physically and mentally ill when I made the decision to separate. Those illnesses were egregiously exploited, by him, to keep me in the marriage, accepting the utterly unacceptable. I ended up not only crushed by his infidelity, but also struggling with massive anger at myself. I hated myself for tolerating the neglect and abuse and manipulation for so long. And that anger has been far more difficult to recover from than anything my husband did to me or our marriage.

Don't lose yourself in this. Establish boundaries and stick with them. You will be glad you did, no matter what the outcome, marriage-wise.