SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I am shaking and my stomach is in my throat as I'm typing. You can read my full story in my profile. I am a FWW who had a 6yr LTA with a MOM. I have been in complete NC with him for 2.5years. DDay was nov 2009.

My BH and I have been in R this entire time. It has been a hard road for me. I have done all I can to assure him and to heal our M, but he seems to be so broken and does not go to MC on a reg basis as I would love, nor will he even attempt IC to help him deal with his extreme anger and loss.

So today BH is working, while coming home from work yesterday he got into a fender bender, no biggie. This morning he texted me and asked me to call insur comp for him to put it on record. So I went to his car to get the insur papers etc. I looked in the center console and found a folded up piece of paper. Inside it was dated 10/4/12 with some random work related lists on it. But in the top margin in small lettering where three websites. They were backpage.com, nuru.com and youjizz.com. I of course googled all three of them. Youjizz is self explanatory, but backpage and nuru are apprently websites to find sexual partners, although nuru is a sentual massage and although he got the website wrong there are many MANY websites with woman offering this service.

So here I sit. Running through my head how many times I have held my H when he cried, how many times I have cried and been sickened by my actions during the A. I also am hearing my H's voice over and over again, that he doesn't think of having get even affairs or dating/hooking up with other women. Then I find this. What am I supposed to do? I know when I ask him he will get VERY angry and blow me off. That is the same way it was before we were M'd but living together and he was having an A. During our whole recovery process he has always explained his A away saying things like "we weren't M'd" or "it was just for sex", mind you this girl was around in and out of our history for THREE years. We were broken up at times (thou still intimate) and she always appeared.

This past week has been hard for us. We didn't talk for three days. He met his best friend for pizza after work on Monday night, when he came home he was very distant. Which is nothing knew because he is distant I'd say about every two weeks now for about 6 months, actually prob during our entire R process. He seems to rollar coaster, pulls back, won't talk to me, then yells at me about anything or everything, then I get upset, the A stuff gets thrown around, which seems to somehow purge him, and then he is all lovey dovey for the next week, then the cycle repeats. This past week, I was very quiet with him because I started feeling like I couldn't do this anymore. Before my A I always walked on eggshells around him, now it is even worse becuase I am always on eggshells wondering if he is going to be loving/close to me when he comes home or wakes up. I feel like a rubberband that he keeps snapping back and forth. I cried to him Tues morning telling him I couldn't take the emotional cut off anymore, that he or someone has to explain to me what is going on, because I am not strong enough for this. I told him I thank God EVERY day that he gave me a second chance, but did he? I begged him to tell me if he is realizing this was a dealbreatker because then we could both go in a healing path instead of this limbo we are in for the past year or so. Tues night he came into our room, saw me crying, said he doesn't like seeing me this way and said "you do know I am not going anywhere don't you?". I said "no I don't", and he said "well I am telling you I am not". Since Thursday morning we have been talking again, and he is somewhat lovey dovey again...and so here I sit wondering why then did he have that paper in his car.

I find myself with that same sick feeling I had in my stomach when I found out he was cheating on me when we were living together. I ask all of you here with SO much wisdom, and unfortunately experience with this what I should do. Am I over reacting. It has taken all my strength to NOT call him while he is working.

Please help, and thanks for listening to me.

I don't really have any advice, wanted you to know that someone is here, listening.

Are the websites in his handwriting?

Sounds like things are up and down in your R for sure. Are you going to IC for you?

Limbo sucks, but I have have found throughout life that the truth comes up when it needs to.

Before you ask him about this stuff (if you do) make sure you have worked on getting centered yourself, no more rubber-banding it. Breathe, and tell yourself, no matter what, you will be okay, because you will be.

I know it is very hard but if you allow him to drag you emotionally here and there, he will do it!

I think it is time to spy before you confront. I am not an expert but I would suggest looking around his computer history, etc. Maybe a key logger?

Also what do you want? Are you okay with the moody spells, no mc, no IC? Just wondering. Take it slowly. Be sure to eat, drink and sleep. Tak with hi when you are ready. But I would definitely do some snooping first.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 11:20 AM, October 6th (Saturday)]

I think that you should take a deep breath and a step back. Think. You know what you found. Now it's time to think about what YOU need and want. Do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your relationship doubting and wondering? What is your gut really saying? What about an honest discussion? What about making choices to make this a healthy relationship? Making IC and MC a mandatory thing for both of you? Making it clear that both of you should NOT be searching for anything emotional or physical outside of your relationship, and if EITHER of you are, than maybe it's time to step away? Take a break. Confronting with evidence may be necessary to get him to start being truthful, but do YOU need the evidence? Follow your gut. It's talking to you for a reason.

Hello and thank you so much for your responses. I know SI is somewhat quieter during the weekends.

First off, yes the websites are definately in his handwriting, and the page is torn from the notepad he has in his car.

What is my gut telling me? That he must have gotten that list from someone that he knows, maybe his friend he went out with, or a guy at work. Do I think he has acted on it, no not yet, but then again I do feel he is capable of doing it. I mean my first thought is that he would tell me if I confront him that it is old, like from right near dday and he can say he was hurting and wasn't sure of us etc. But the date 10/4/12 is right on the top of that work list.

Befuzzled, no I do not want this cycle to go on any longer. That is why I was SO quiet those two days this week, because I was trying to figure out a way to get the strength to tell my BH that this has to change and we need MC and IC on a REGULAR basis, if we can't get help with new ways to communicate and build a better M then this has to be over. I did somewhat tell him some things by Thursday night. I have also told him in the past that if he was/is thinking of having an A, then I would not make it through. I only say that because I know the hell I have been through to live with myself and what I did, as well as seeing every day the hurt and "change" in my BH. I am the one posting on SI, I am the one buying the books and getting insight. I give him the books and they lay by his bed side. My gut tells me that IF he were to cheat, and I say IF, becuase I don't truly think he has, then one of these web places would be his route, bucause it would be very little interaction in the future with the OP, unless of course he chose to make another appointment. God, even typing those words is making me tremble even more. I have stood by my BH through all his anger, through his name calling, him throwing things, him making almost every arguement end in why don't u go F your BF, through him tossing a wicker paper basket toward me, it hitting me in the forehead and our 12 year old DD dialing 911 because she was afraid. I have stood here and taken it all, plus I have accepted the good. But I have told him many times that there is NO place for those kinds of actions in our M. To which he always responds that it didn't seem to matter to me what was appropriate during my A. My progress is never good enough for him, and I fear it never will be. I don't know as a FWW when the time is to say, I have served my time and this isn't getting any better.

I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt our children, but all this turmoil isn't good for any of us.

You guys suggested getting proof and snooping, well I don't truly feel he has taken action, but I know myself, when he comes home I am going to have to say something and I can bet the farm that he is going to take the whole defensive approach about who are you to tell me...how do I get through tonight and say the right things without turning this into all out war?

Do you know in your gut that things are not right in your M? Do you know what you found? If you know these things and he is not willing to work with you in this M to make it a better one, then maybe you are going to have to draw your line in the sand. Only you know what that is. Has this been enough for you? What he has been doing has bordered on abuse, and now this. What do you want in this M going forward? I think you need to answer these questions and have a firm answer in your head before you confront him. If you are not sure in your head of what you are willing to continue to accept from him then you are going to just have a huge fight where he is going to gaslight and blameshift this whole thing. If you know in your head that anything less than the truth is not good enough, then you will not argue with him.

I wish you well going forward in whatever path you choose.

Also as far as a keylogger goes, I believe that would be futile, because obviously I am the FWW, for all I know he has a keylogger on this computer, which is the only computer we have, he does not use a computer at work. As far as I know he does not check up on me, but he is more then welcome to because the most he would find are my inner honest feelings that I post here on SI. But regardless, I feel like for me to install a keylogger on him would be for lack of a better word, "backwards"

There were signs during the time of his infidelity. I choose to ignore because……….”No, my husband would never do that” attitude. Little did I know he was visiting prostitutes found on Back Page. Before meeting one of them he had already done his homework, he was frequently shopping the site. Conveniently the day after I went out of the country for few days he visited one. He was nervous but “she” put him at ease. He then got more comfortable and was visiting prostitutes regularly. I am not saying this is your case. I am suggesting that if you have a feeling something is not right you should follow thru to make sure nothing is there. Looking back I wish I acted at the first sign. One suggestion: in any stressful situation try to stay cool to avoid outburst of anger. Do some homework, Cell phone records and bank record for cash withdraw would give you the first clue.

There is a light at the end of a tunnel. Since DDay we are doing good, our relationship is even stronger than before. Lots of bumps on the road, but we reconnected and we are having a got time been husband and wife. Wish you the best.

RSEB,

I fear if you say something he will just deny or make something up about why those sites were there. You know it was his handwriting, you know the date so you know it is recent. Don't you want to know if he is acting on them or wanting to at least by searching them? That would be more proof and IMHO a better way to then confront him.

It sounds like you both are in bumpy R at the very least. I think that IC/MC needs to be a must for any type of reconciliation. R is a two way street and it sounds like he isn't pulling his fair share. (I say this as a BS)

Gently here,

You mentioned that he had an A before you both M. So we at least know he is capable. The behaviors you describe, the being lovey dove and then lashing out and withdrawing could be because he is struggling with your A, but have you considered that those behaviors are also similar of people involved in A's? Have you at least considered this idea especially since you found this paper in his handwriting? How much transparency do you both have on both sides?

Perhaps this is barking up the wrong tree, but I would want to know for sure. His behavior does not sound like someone wanting to R and this is coming from a BS. Sometimes the A is a deal breaker and perhaps this is your H's case.

I apologize if I offended in any way, but I just wanted to at least have you think about this another way and hope that you find that this is not the case.

Hugs!

Hello again, thank you everyone for your replies and advice. Sorry for not getting back sooner, my schedule has been hectic.

So my BH came home that afternoon and I asked him about it. He told me a guy at his job was talking about the sights and he told my BH to write them down. My BH is in construction, so you get the same impression I do as to what the convo's are between the guys sometimes.

Anyway I was crying, explained to my BH that 2 of the sights are not even porn sights as this guy said, but ways to meet escorts/prostitutes etc. I was crying by this point, my BH hugged and held me, said it was nothing, he was going to throw out the paper and for me not to worry. This was about a 5 minute interaction with us. So I waited about a minute and then tried to ask my BH if he spoke to this guy over lunch, did this guy walk my BH back to his car and give him the list again, because I knew the paper was from a pad in my BH car. So I tried to get that question out. My H flipped, started yelling saying "it's never good enough for you", that he answered my ques and I have to keep it going. He kept on yelling, of course throwing my A at me again. I told him, if he has any questions or wants to talk about my A I will be glad to answer/talk about anything, but right now we were talking about the paper. He didn't care, it was just him yelling by this point about how I just don't get it and how I don't know when to F'in get it and how it's never good enough. I recoiled SO quickly and was SO upset because now I was flashing back to after he had his A before our M and he never held me etc as I have FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS...FOR EVERY SINGLE DAY...I HAVE GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING BUT MY BLOOD...and he couldn't give me 10 minutes. After his A, he told me "get over it or leave"...so YES, my resentment was brewing.

At this point I asked him to come and hug me...which he did, no questions asked. I cried some more, and I told him that this has to be over. I want him to be happy, and I see how much my A is killing me. I need him to move on, because this is no fair to him, and not healthy for us or our 2 children (who we kept sending back up to their rooms). He was crying and so was I. He said that he has to try to love me again. I don't understand or know what to do. I want MC SOOO bad, but he never asks me to make an appointment. He is always worried about the money.

We ended that night SO much closer then we had been in a long time. I'm sorry to say that feeling lasted until yesterday for him. Again he came home distant, he wouldn't say what it was, but I knew it from the distant texts he was sending during the day, that "here we go again" feeling. SO last night I asked him before we went to bed, he started to crying hysterically. I cried and sobbed to. He said he didn't know what caused it, but again this morning another distant text.

God, how do I do this anymore. I know the BS is the one giving the gift of staying, and the turmoil I read on here, especially from the BH's breaks my heart, because I see my H in every word. Now I as the horrible FWW feel that I am ONLY staying for our kids. That is not what I want. I want my H to start fighting for us. Is that wrong of me to ask for? I know I am the one who stepped out on my H FOR SIX YEARS. I leaned on OM for the love and respect I SHOULD have fought INSIDE my M for from my H. I have done the work, and I truly don't mind doing more, but my BH has to get on board at some point.

In AA they talk about making amends. Many times in AA when trying to get forgiveness, the person is no longer alive or willing to give forgiveness, therefore the alcoholic has to live a life of amends, by being a better person, living the life that is as a better person. Is that all I can do? I need to have communication, a closeness with my spouse, if my BH is STILL not willing or can't do that and he is just not willing to accept that my A was a deal breaker what do I do? I'm drowning, and fast.