SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In retrospect I guess mine was an exit affair. I'd been miserable for a while. We'd done counseling off and on for years. I wanted to leave. Honestly I did, BUT I was afraid of what that would do to my young kids. So I tried to stick it out. But I needed something to distract me from my misery. It could've been booze or alcohol, or any self destructive behavior, but I chose an A.

So often I read on here "just get a divorce" instead of having an A. I think it minimizes just how hard D, or deciding to D is.

I'm not saying the A was the right thing to do. I wish I'd had the courage to just end it.

Just wondering if anyone else here thinks that getting a D is thrown around like a simple answer to problems.

I think mine was supposed to be an exit A. We've worked through all that together and have put it to rest (I'm sure she'll correct me if I am wrong on this one... ).

One of the difficult things to deal with as a WS was the whole "you should have just gotten a D" belief. I get it now. It is an easy statement to make, but it isn't an easy thing to do by any means.

I considered mine an exit A while I was in it. There wasn't anything really 'wrong' with my M but when ex-boyfriend AP told me that I was The One and he'd missed me for 4 years, I fugured he must be who I was supposed to be with. I carried on the A for months while I tried to get up the courage to end the M.

Towards the end of the A, I figured that the drama and upheaval of ending the M and life as I knew it wasn't worth it. I was, IIRC, 2 days from ending the A when I was caught.

After XH found out, suddenly my only desire was to stay married. It was a classic case of not knowing what I had until it was gone.

Cake-eating and cowardice were the reasons behind my not 'just getting a divorce.' I also felt that because the M wasn't 'bad', I didn't really have reason to D. Of course, while in the wayward mindset, I didn't think so much about wanting to have a relationship with someone else as a good enough reason to D.

Just wondering if anyone else here thinks that getting a D is thrown around like a simple answer to problems.

Not an exit affair, but I can't deny that many days, more than I care to admit, I wanted out and still do. Cheating is not the answer by any means. I stay for many reasons my BS stays and have come to accept things as simple reality. I want to see my kids every day and not put them through the pain of a divorce. Nothing is really that bad in the marriage that warrants a divorce or cheating again on my part. The marriage is not about making me happy, I want to provide a stable home for my young kids. A divorce is not the simple answer to a happier and more fulfilled me, especially if it comes at the cost of my children's happiness and quality of life. I try to focus on bringing fulfillment into my life that is healthy and work on changing poor coping strategies into better ones.

I do regret getting married in the first place as much as I'm sure my spouse regrets marrying me. But I can't change that, I can't unmake those precious kids. They deserve a healthy mom, and my spouse deserves a healthy partner doing their part in raising the family we created together.

I'm not familiar with your story, but I think I understand where you are coming from. Divorce is not easy. Staying is not easy. But honestly, none of this is supposed to be easy.

notmeanymore: I'm guessing you finally did have a D?

While I was cheating with various people, I was trying to find a way to cope or find a way to a D. I was a major coward. I remember thinking after I cheated twice that it wouldn't be enough to get my H to D so I joined AM, figured this will do the trick.

I had dreams of being free of my H. I pictured my life being single again.. I envisioned the condo I could get, the new job I would seek, just a whole new life. I listened to music and felt inspired to be free of a marriage I felt stuck in. Then there was the other side of me... Picturing a happy life with my H and how I could be making a biggest mistake in my entire life. I was torn between the 2 worlds.. After spending some time in IC & SI, the fog lifted and all I wanted was my H. I also felt worried that I had done too much damage to the marriage that I wanted to save now.

So to say I was having an exit A's, I would have to say I was. Luckily in my case, the escape exit was locked and my BH pulled me back in. I'm as happy as one could be at this stage post d-day.

It's really tought to wrap my head around what I had done and that I could truly be that stupid. I would have to think there are 2 types of Exit As. Exit As that are truly serious and the marriage is already over and false exit As that just become wake-up calls to the couple like in my case.

I've been divorced 6 years now. I do not regret it.

I regret having the A. It hurt my BS, and I lost self respect.

The time of my A was one of the most stressful of my life. I did not want to get D because of my kids. So the idea of "oh just get D'd if you're not happy" always seems so flip an answer to me.

I was the one who finally filed. But lots of other things that happened after Dday that made it impossible for me to stay.

edit cuz I somehow didn't see the stop sign... Doh

[This message edited by hardlessons at 4:26 PM, October 25th (Thursday)]

I don't usually label it. And upon reading another thread out there just today, I was suprised so many people took it as a "lesser" evil description. I certainly don't mean it to sound like, oh but it was only an exit affair.

I do not think it is the natural byproduct of a bad marriage. But it would be incorrect for me to say "I was happily married and I had an affair anyway". I'm not saying it was ok for me to do it because I was unhappy.

Also, it's been over 6 years for me. I have worked hard on myself in that time, a large portion of which included trying to forgive myself. So if I don't sound like I still hate myself enough, I apologize.

I think the reason it may sound like it was no big deal to me is because my point of this post was to find if others though the "just divorce" solution was less simple than implied. So I did not feel the need to elaborate very much on my own A details, and just wanted to get the general gist of it out there

[This message edited by notmeanymore at 1:44 PM, October 25th (Thursday)]

Yes and no. I do think the "just" is used rather flippantly. Why didn't they "just" leave. Because some have homes they've invested in, kids they wouldn't get to see, not enough money, no job, no support. Same reason BS's don't "just" leave when this shitstorm hits.

The main reason, I'd gather, is most WS's didn't want to leave.

I've had my affair described by a few as an exit affair. I don't think it was. I'd say more of a huge fuck you since he knew every step.

I guess that might be called an RA but to me most affairs have a little of that element at the least thrown in to the toxic stew.

To me in order for it to be an RA the spouse has to know. Otherwise what's the point?

As far as addictions, I think those are huge betrayals as well. I see posters state they were alcoholics for years but have the moral high ground because they didn't cheat. Really? What do you call a relationship with a substance that puts the family in danger, others in danger if you drive, financially ruin, depending on the addiction expose the spouse to some of the same diseases as an affair.

I worked with a woman that wound up with HIV because her husband was an IV drug user. She had no idea until it got so bad.

It is the very definition of betrayal but for some reason isn't viewed "as bad". I think it's because it was a thing rather than a person the addict risked their family for so maybe doesn't carry the same rejection factor.

I think most affairs have are exit affairs, honestly. If you think about, didn't most waywards know that cheating would very easily spell the end of the marriage and get them bounced post haste? Even in the rollerblading covered in body glitter with unicorns logic that's used during affairs that has to be there somewhere. I'm so fucked if this gets out. Otherwise, why keep it a secret?

[This message edited by uncertainone at 3:35 PM, October 25th (Thursday)]

Mira Kirshenbaum told me all affairs are revenge affairs. They are huge fuck yous to the spouse.