SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Another voice here for you staying put Right Where You Are. She needs to leave the house she cheated, she goes. If she will not go, you need to take all of her belongings out of YOUR bedroom and toss them into a guest bedroom or the living room because she doesn't get to "sleep" with you as long as she is screwing the OM. Speaking of which, and this truly sucks, I know, you need to get a full STD/HIV panel done from your doctor and you need to NOT have sexual relations with her until BOTH of you come back clean and you KNOW that she is not screwing the OM.

You cannot nice them back. You have to metaforically throw a bucket of cold water over their heads and shock the hell out of them to snap them out of the Love Boat Fog that infests their brains. Nice it's OK for you to keep betraying me. 180 + Detatchment showing them the real consequences of their actions. My WH stepped over my absolute boundaries one time, and I outed him to friends of ours, then told him the next consequence of him lying to me would be me outing him to his best friend and his eldest sister. That got his attention immediately and we are in the process of R right now. Had it been otherwise, I guarantee you that every one of our friends would know what he had done, his clothing would have been in the front yard, and his sports car would have been totaled. And he damned well knew at that point it was straighten up or be divorced.

(((hugs))) I am so sorry that you have to be here, but so happy that you found us for support.

Ok up date. Still at the house. WIfe is still texting him, unsure if its sexual (doesnt matter). It appears at this point that she doesn't care if they split up (other male and his wife). She is in the fog.

I'm looking into what my rights are. I'm being parient for Daughter. THis is going to hurt her beyond means. Do I tell her the truth of the affair when we talk to her or that mom and dad are fighting and need a break. I'm not leaving. All of her friends are so pissed at her and one day she hopfully will understand that she was spoiled in our marriage (thats were I went wrong) and that we had a good marriage.

I'm done crying now. Now Im down right pissed off she has know respect for me or our daughter.

Occuring to her she wants me to stop talking about the affair and about getting on with us.

I did tell her to had to leave and if she didn't i would put her stuff out side. Well that went over like a fart in church. THats why is really pissed at me now. In ND you can't make the spouse leave unless it physical abuse or you get divorce papers.

[This message edited by Danny4575 at 5:18 AM, November 3rd (Saturday)]

Hi Danny, I can see that you are now awake and smelling the coffee. Here are a few thoughts.

1. How old is your daughter? That will help determine what you say. For now, for sure, leave out anything about infidelity, regardless of age. You need to figure out what you and your wife are doing, before you say anything. Is she moving out, or not ? As you pointed out, your State law may prevent it prior to divorce.

2. Have you talked to a really good divorce attorney yet? Top priority now, because of custody considerations.

3. Do you have any proof of the affair, or just the phone call? You might need proof for legal purposes in the divorce, of it comes to that, and that could make a big difference in how often you will get to see your daughter. (note: I had proof. Long story short, I have primary custody of my two kids.). You might need to get a VAR, or two, and place them in her car, etc. you also need to get a confession, kind of like you see in the movies. (taping her telling you one more time exactly what happened, etc.)

Strength to you.

3.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 7:46 AM, November 3rd (Saturday)]

Danny, your DD is so recent. Please understand that your anger will be replaced by mourning, guilt, sorrow, desperation back to anger. The roller coaster ride is torture. Be prepared. Leave the details of this mess away from your precious daughter. PROTECT HER. The desire to punish your WW to out all of the information to your daughter will be enticing. Please don’t.

If you haven’t outed the OM to his wife, please do. Protect no one but your daughter. Please don’t beat yourself up over what you did wrong. I often feel I made my wife’s path to the affair too easy, by letting her do what she wanted, because I wanted her to be happy. It’s not your fault. She is the one with no character; she is the liar and the cheater. We, as BS, never claim to be perfect, we just don’t cheat. We understand commitment. We understand ‘For better or worse’. We all ache inside to turn the clock back, and do things different, but the ugly truth is that we can’t.

These people on this site know what they are talking about. You can’t ‘nice’ your wife back into the marriage. She needs to decide…fantasy or family. Give it to her 2 X 4 style. If you allow her to ride the fence she will, and your life will be hell (I know). If she does go NC, she likely will mourn the loss of the fantasy…be prepare, but stay on course. Right now it is you and your daughter. Stay strong…and most of all stay healthy. No drinking or anything else. Keep posting and updating. The people on SI are incredible support.

Thanks for the advise. Daughter is 8 and I will leave out the affair when wife and I talk to her.

First week was the hardest crying and wanting answers now, which she is not will to do as she is still talking to him. But I know I was to nice to her last week, this week is going to be diffrent. No more saying I love you and no more asking why. She made her decidion I feel and now its time for me to work on me and Daughter.

Part that should be a red flag to her is his wife wants to meet her and was willing to let her stay the night with him last night and last Saturday when this all came about said wife can come up there and stay if she felt afraid. But she didn't as she thought that was strange as well.

[This message edited by Danny4575 at 8:10 AM, November 3rd (Saturday)]

Also we are still in same house because of finance reasons. Sleep in seperate rooms. Talk is minimum.

It will be normal to feel that you are a failure as a man. Ego, self-esteem take a real hit early on. I started feeling like a worthless man, and completely inadequate, as if my shortcoming directed her into the arms of another man. But then, over time, I took stock of who I was. I compared me and my wife…and you know what…I won. I never claimed to be perfect, the best at anything, but I began to realize that I was better than the OM. He was a cheater, a liar to his family. My integrity and character soared over his. This is when I realized my wife was F’ed up. It was her, and her issues, not me and mine.

The 180 work's. If you decide there could be R, 180 her. Set ground rules. There must be deal breakers. Make them and stand by them. I may not be saying this right…but right now she is choosing cock over character. She is focused on herself, and what she thinks she needs now. She thinks she misses that excitement that you experienced early in your relationship. Her actions will determine if you even want her back…ever.

God it just sucks so much when you love someone who is supposed to have you back and they do this. They justify their actions by disconnecting from the marriage, and find all kind of faults in the marriage to keep their fantasy alive. There are countless people on this site who’s heads are spinning at the realization that the person we loved is not the person we thought they were.

I am watching marriage’s fail at an alarming rate around me. All of them include cheating and young children. Nobody seems to want to do the hard work anymore and as someone who would NEVER cheat…I don’t get it.

IMO (and this is hard if you really love her)…you should tell her its time divorce, that the two of them deserve each other (and from the sound of it…could be a warped threesome with the OM’s wife). “Better to be alone than in a toxic relationship…and don’t let finances be an excuse to stay.

Danny,

Go see a lawyer ASAP. Get your ducks in a row. You can not start to heal as long as you are living under the same roof as your wife.

Starting the divorce process might snap her back in to reality.

Have you outed your wife to her family?

Danny,

We share the same D-day. Eight days ago my world was shattered as yours was too. I spent the first two days in disbelief.

On day three I made myself a doctors appointment to get something for myself to cope. It still hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm managing.

The first thing you need to do is tell her she has a choice. Either NC or she has to leave. Second step 100% transparency. Third step and this has help me come to grips on reality of the situation read After the Affair.

Yes you did not make her have an affair, nor did I make my wife. They are Human and make their own choices. I've realized that I did however play a role in the frame work before the affair.

This is where I'm at on day eight. I'll follow your post and see if I can help as much as I can. I'm still learning as I go. Don't be afraid to PM me any questions.

She wants to use you. She doesn't care that you are hurting, and is disrespecting you in the worst way possible.

Pick your pain...the pain of staying with a cheater who continues to cheat...

or throw her shit out in the yard.

So sorry for what you are going through.

Danny4575,

I can especially relate to your situation. I too have a soon to be ex wayward wife (STBXWW) that also claims she is in love with her piece of shit affair guy and is "torn" between him and me.

Fuck - That - Shit.

I am divorcing her. So her being "torn" is moot anyway. I am NOT, nor should YOU ever be, someones OPTION or "Plan B".

There is no such thing as being "torn" or "loves both of us". THAT is called having the mind of a fucking spoiled little child. She needs to grow the fuck up.

You have recieved great advice from the responses i've seen so far. But I want to also stress a point here and you MUST REMEMBER THIS AT ALL TIMES:

Her having an affair had/has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE. Remember this and embrace this with steely and firm resolve.

You WW, like mine is in a delusion. She loves the delusion because it is a perpetual honeymoon that has zero-responsibility associated with it. No kids, no money issues, no bills, no in-laws, no worries or annoying habits. She is a runner and is still running away.

Also know this: She loves this delusion and yet deep down feels guilty about it. To squelch the guilt and keep the fantasy she will most likely vilify you, demonize you, and rewrite the marital history to, in her twisted mind, give herself "justification" for acting like a selfish piece of shit that doesn't care about what her dyfunctional actions have on you or her own daughter.

Expect many, many, many lies and deceptions. She will lie unlike you can imagine to protect her self from experiencing the immense shame from doing something to someone that she fully knows she would never, ever want done to her. She will lie to protect the delusion that she gets her idea of "validation" from.

I know this is really difficult right now. I'm almost nine months from discovery day and my hurt and heartbreak are over but I have anger. I have anger for my two young sons who have been deprived of what was once a beautiful and unified family. Anger that she knows her behavior is abhorrent and something she would never want to be put through yet she continues. Angry that my son's now have this adulterous filth as part of their legacy. At some point in the future my sons will find out about it and their self-esteem damaged by the thought "Yeah, my mom fucked around on my dad." What a great role-model. Way to go, Mom!

No one deserves this. But know that there is a better life out there, possibly by reconciling, or definitely by moving on.

Also Danny,

Out the affair to anyone that is willing to listen. Her family, your family (especially for the support), friends, workers, coworkers, etc.

It's not your job to keep her and her affair guys despicable secret for them.

Let it rip.

It has been eight days. Sometimes good but for the most part bad as my emotions are still roller coastering. Today I move out two two weeks to give each other a chance to breath. Unfortunatley I have to leave as being in Law Enforcement and my schedule in ND she will get daughter anyway no matter what she has done. I go to my counselor on Weds to continue the healing and she has agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. But she has not stopped texting him at this time and I have no clue if she will. She told me today that she doesn't know why she does this and doesn't like this part of her and wants to learn to love.

Did this happen to any of you. She has never been sober (she was sober for 13 months while pregnant and 4 months after daughter was born) in a relationship since 1989 and now has been 6 months sober. She states that she is learning to stay alcohol free. And since she has sobered up has changed and is dealing with emoitions and doesn't know if she can be in a relationship with anyone. Thats why the affair happened she sobered up and he was there being nice and friendly (so was I).

Danny – HOW is she learning to be alcohol free?

Ask any drunk: Getting sober is easy. It’s remaining sober that’s tough.

Is she in any program that she actively seeks and takes part in? Did she willingly stop drinking? Has the OM got anything to do with her sobriety?

We often compare infidelity with addiction. It might be that she has simply replaced her “drug of choice”.

It also raises the question if she has been an alcoholic this long: How codependent are you? Are you an enabler? Have you done anything to deal with that? In a sense your comment about remaining because of the finances… that’s enabling…

I’m a former LEO so maybe you might understand this comparison: Ever been to a situation where you have to prioritize? Like a bad car-crash where you are the first responder: You start by securing the area so other car’s won’t pile in or more damage take place. Then you deal with the most serious wounded. Then you move on down the list…

That’s where you are now. You have to prioritize and deal with the biggest issues first. THEN and only then do you move on to other important issues.

Danny, I read on another thread here about a husband and WW who went to MC. The counselor asked the WW, are you still seeing the OM. The AW said yes. The MC then said, t

"...than I can't help you."

You've asked for and have been given good advice here. It's up to you to process and act on it. I recommend reading LastChanceLarry's entire thread, if you haven't already. There are enough parallels to your situation and a lot of world-class advice. I am afraid you are not on a very good path right now. Read Larry's thread. A path that will give you a much better chance is there on a silver platter, waiting for you to take it.

Good luck to you. I know you are hurting. Read Larry's thread.

Danny, I read a great deal on this site but seldom respond, just never felt I could help anyone. But your story struck a cord with me.

Please do not go to MC if your wife is still in contact with OM. I attempted to work on my marriage going to MC while my WW was still texting/seeing OM and it was a complete waste of my time. It is impossible to help YOUR marriage when WW is hanging onto OM also.

You need to draw the line and demand NC and proceed with the steps to D. Let your WW know that you will talk and listen if she decides that she wants YOU and makes that choice. You have to have HER make that choice or she will never be happy and you will always wonder if she came back to you for the right reasons or not.

Draw the line and you may get the results you want to move forward whether that be R or D.

Good luck. And take care of yourself. That is also a very hard thing to do during this extremely stressful and emotional time.

Danny, I don't post often but feel compelled to respond to you. If you own your home, why are you moving out? Have you seen an attorney? Don't be so sure your wife would automatically get custody of your daughter. It sounds as if she might put your daughter in a bad situation, exposing her to OM and his weird wife so fight for your daughter and your home. I think you have a lot more rights than you think you have. Good luck

No more mr. nice guy.....period. Time to drop the hammer....her family....friends...whatever.

Lawyer up....start preparing for the worst. 180 her into the next century....spend time with your little girl and take care of yourself.

I hate reading stories like this....fucking damaged POS destroying lives of the innocent.....

I hate reading stories like this....fucking damaged POS destroying lives of the innocent.....

My sentiments exactly. It sickens me that they don't think about what this does especially to the lives of kids. They have to grow up with the fallout.