SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now I have finally figured out how to make my story show up in my profile. It's there now and a little long. It's not the whole story, but it's the story as far as I've shared. I've put it off awhile, but now I will continue it. This post will contain quotes from emails, the parts that hurt the most. It's a sort of therapy, so I'm hoping this might help a bit.

This is a sampling of the 130 emails I found between my wife and OM#2 on DDay #2.

My Wife: How are you??I might be coming back to [his office]!!

My Wife: Can you please call me? It is very important.Thanks

OM:It wasn't anything that happened, [wife].It was my realization that I was growing apart from my wife and kids.I wasn't "home" anymore.I had to completely shift my focus and rededicate myself.I was never angry with you or anything like that, but I had to stop completely or it was never going to happen.Several times I tried writing you an e-mail, and by the time I was two sentences in, it started sounding regretful.I couldn't have that.I was very close to being okay with cheating, and that's not who I am or who I want to be (not that I think you would have...I just think that I might have).I think it's the guys that fail to make that realization that end up divorced with child support payments.I love my family more than anything in the world, and I had to make a solid decision and stick with it.And I think you'll understand, because I know you love your husband and son.

My Wife:I completely agree with you and it went too far.I apologize for putting you in that situation but I do miss our friendship and talking to you.

My Wife:Can we be friends and still talk.I will always have love for you in my heart but I also adore my husband and our life together.I was at a point where I was questioning whether I should’ve gotten married and I felt so guilty about that.I think that I needed some time to adjust to being married and now, I am so happy that I gave it more time.I could have screwed everything up and caused myself to get a divorce. That scares the hell out of me!! I was so confused by the things you were saying and how I was feeling.

[A Week Passes]

OM:I think we can still be friends.We can never let it go as far as it did though.I was planning on meeting you just to beg for a kiss!I won't lie to myself, it's still a tempting thought.It's just that now I realize that it can't happen.I completely understand what you mean about adjusting to marriage.I had to do the same thing after admitting to myself that I wasn't being a very good husband.It's no wonder so many people get divorced nowadays.As much as I hate to say it, I think it's a very good thing we never made any physical contact.We should have done that when we were both single, lol.And a bunch, at that.Oh well, if we had no regrets, we'd never truly enjoy the really good stuff, right?

I know this e-mail is borderline inappropriate, but you know what?I've erased so many unsent e-mails to you over the past few months, I think I owe you at least one honest message.I hope that's okay.

My Wife:Oh geez, I really am glad that we never met up, I think the guilt would have eaten us both alive. Or…..we both would have ended up divorced.I don’t know if we would have been able to stop at a kiss.I always had (and still do) that wonder of what could have happened between us and I think that I always will.

I do wish that we would have tried when we were single but I’m not sure if we ever really were single at the same time.I’m not going to lie, I will always love you but I know that our flirting and conversations can never go outside of work.I have missed you though

OM:You can't accept all the blame, and I actually don't blame you in the slightest.I take full responsibility for my actions.I pursued you very intently.I was just never man enough to follow through with it.That's probably a good thing in the long run, but I can't say it wouldn't be nice to have a few of those dreams become actual memories instead.

I also never meant to hurt you by dropping off the radar.It was the only way I could make myself withdraw.That's a shortcoming of my own, not a reflection of anything you did.The only thing I could ever blame you for is attracting my attention, and well, you do that by default.Can't blame a rose for being red.

My WIfe:You probably don’t want to hear this but it really has felt like there was something missing over the past few months.

I hope you don’t mind that I called you last week, I didn’t know what really happened but I didn’t want to show up and run into you one day.I didn’t really know where your feelings were and I thought it would be unfair to come back and not warn you first.I’m not exactly one to hide in an office all day. Lol

OM:On my end at least, I KNOW it wouldn't have stopped with a kiss.I would have been all over you.I've missed you too, but yeah, it all has to stay at work.I don't think we'll ever stop wondering what might have been.I still get that feeling when I talk or e-mail with you.

My Wife:I know, me too.I really like that feeling though, it’s something I don’t feel with my husband.Maybe it was because I didn’t really have to work for him, there really was no chase on my end. Lol

Atleast though, I’ll have something to look forward to at work again!! Seriously, it makes my day so much better when I get to talk to you. [Smiley Face]

OM:It's not that I don't want to hear things.I'm human.I love hearing those things.I just can't act on those things, lol.I didn't mind the call, and I did appreciate the heads up, I just didn't know what to do with it.I have to believe we can control ourselves.It was when I couldn't control myself that I had to step back.

My Wife:No, we cannot ACT on those things!!! But, I still love how you talk to me…fuck!!! I talk to you for 10 minutes and my stomach is all butterflyish (is that a word) again.I was supposed to be angry at you!!

My Wife:I don’t want to say anything to make u feel uncomfortable again and run away.Tell me what is off-limits.I am fine with whatever because I know that I can stop us from going too far.I promise you that I will never let you take it to any kind of physical level.

My Wife:Have you thought about me at all over the past few months?

OM:Hah, there wouldn't be much chasing with me either.Corner me on the right day (wrong day? lol) and I'd melt right into you.

So, don't corner me.No really, don't.....

My Wife:Don’t corner me!!! I do like that melting into me part though…..But no!! LOL

I really have missed you!!

OM:Yeah, I'm [department Name].Nothing you can say to me is off-limits.Just don't get too flirty in the open...some of the guys in 1 have actually met my wife, so that could get awkward.

My Wife:I won’t…… I should say the same to you!

So, you still my boyfriend?? [Smiley Face]

OM:Well, since we can't be friends with benefits, I suppose I'll settle with boyfriend status.

My Wife:I could never be friends with benefits with you, it is so past that already.If we started the physical stuff, our heads/hearts would follow.Some things just naturally progress and I think it would with us.SO NOOOOO physical contact!! [Smiley Face]

OM:lol, I have no willpower.I find myself inclined to argue in favor of physical contact.You're such a bad influence.I love it.

OM:If we ever started, I don't think we'd be able to stop.I don't just mean physical stuff, I mean long term.Remember when we were planning on a date in the near future?I think I knew that would have been it for me.I'd never have let you go.

OM:I'm scheduled for [Department] next Monday.Will you be there?

My Wife:I don’t start til the [Date] [Smiley Face]What were you thinking?

My Wife: Knock it off!!! [Smiley Face] I love it too!!Can I still tell you that I love you?

My Wife:I know, I felt it too.It just feels so different with you

OM: Yes.But you know you don't have to.I love you too.

My WIfe: I know but I do love you so why not tell you, right?

My Wife:It’s funny how things just kinda went back to the way it was……

My Wife: I don’t think I could ever forget about you, especially when you drop off my planet for almost a year and then pop back on. LOL

My Wife:Yeah, there isn’t much to do in there.Probably a good thing that you were never stationed in there when I was working as a [Work Positions].

OM:I wish I would have been back here when you were.I would have had blinds installed on my little office windows.

My Wife:No, you were married at that time.

OM:Shhhh....

My Wife: Did these last few months do nothing for you??LOL

OM: Doesn't seem like it, huh?lol

My Wife: I just don’t want you to do that to me again…….ever! [Drop Contact with her she means]

OM:I won't.I'm okay with you being my girlfriend now.

OM:I don't know, it's hard to explain why I'm okay with it now.I probably just feel like I'm more in control of my own actions.Before, I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to stop myself if I tried.

My Wife:And you think that you would be able to stop yourself now? [Smiley Face]

OM:Well, no.But I can stop myself from getting into that kind of situation.If that makes sense.I won't be meeting you in the park =P

My Wife:What was your first reaction when you heard my voice last week?Did you know it was me?

My Wife:True, that makes sense…..We will not be meeting anywhere or talking outside of work, are you sure that you can handle that part, the not talking to me part?? :p

OM:I knew it was you.You always have a recognizable perkiness to your voice.I'd probably recognize your voice after a 20 year gap.

My Wife: Did your heart stop for a minute?Mine did!! [Smiley Face]

OM:Well, I have to.I've been known to check my e-mail at home from time to time, though.

My Wife: I’m obsessed with my e-mail at home…lolIf I don’t check it, I feel like I am missing out on something and I can’t have that!! Well, you didn’t check your e-mail last week…..I wrote those e-mails to you days ago.

OM: Yeah, it definitely caught me off guard.In a good way, though.

My Wife: Yeah, I felt that at least I had an excuse to contact you.

My Wife:Work e-mail only though, no personal accounts…. Agreed?

OM: Agreed.I rarely use my home e-mail anyway.

My Wife:I do but my husband also uses it, or at least checks it….. Maybe he doesn’t trust me….lol [Note: How right she was, she didn't know I could see her work email too].

OM: I can honestly say he'd be stupid not to trust you.As far as we went, we still never made physical contact.I think we both proved our marital trustworthiness.To ourselves, at least.

OM: That’s okay but can you promise me that from now on, you will be honest with me?And….can you promise that you won’t disappear again?It really felt icky and I don’t want to set myself up for that again.

OM: I will be honest and present, I promise.

My Wife:I do agree but emotionally, I’m yours……

My Wife: Thank you, I love you [Smiley Face]

My Wife: Man, your already in my head!!! How do you do that so fast?

OM: I love you too.Wanna go to the park?

My Wife: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OM: lol, worth a shot.

My Wife: I do understand why you had to completely distance yourself from me, our connection is too frickin strong!! LOL

OM: See?Screw it.Let's have an affair.

My Wife: No, I don’t want to have an affair with you.I want the entire package and that is not in the cards right now. So, if and when that could happen, then I’ll be all over it.

OM:Uhhuh………. I won’t let anything happen, I promise [Smiley Face]

OM: Nah, don't promise.Just try real hard.If you mess up, I'll forgive you =)

My Wife: It’s not me that you would have a problem forgiving, it’s yourself and I don’t want you to ever feel that way.[Smiley Face]

OM: I wouldn't be satisfied with an affair any more than you would.But, it'd be a disastrously amusing way to start things off, wouldn't it?We both admit we couldn't keep our hands off each other given the circumstances.

OM: [Regarding getting a cell phone]:Yeah, but the bill can be accessed by either of us at home.That's a no go.

My Wife:Besides, If we had an affair, I’d never wanna go home…lol

My Wife:I suppose so, it would be incredibly passionate and romantic.Yup, I’m such a girl!!

My Wife: Yeah, I know this!!! Duh!!!!! Work only, remember??

OM: It would be incredible.

OM: Right.Work and parks, like we discussed.You can't just go adding stuff.

My Wife: Yes it would, like a movie or something

My Wife: Ummm wait, I think you just added parks…..

OM: So, park?Tomorrow afternoon?

My Wife: NO, call me

My Wife: You want me to call you so you don’t have to get an outside line?

OM: You have such a cute voice.I love hearing you.

My Wife: You do too, why do you think I always want to talk to you on the phone. I want to hear your voice.

My Wife: I Love You!! :)

OM: I love you too!I'm really hoping you check your e-mail at home.I have a bunch of time to myself right now. [She did, that's how I caught part of the exchange and investigated further]

My Wife: Okay, I am going downstairs to work on my treadmill for 30 minutes and I'll check again around [time].....xoxo

[Next Day]

I felt so bad last night because I couldn’t get to my e-mail until after [Time].I finally checked it and didn’t have anything anyways.I do think it is going to be best if we keep most of our conversations during work hours.I can’t always guarantee that I will have time to write or check e-mails from home.It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you as much as possible, it’s just that our families come first and I don’t want you taking time from your kids to e-mail me.I’m all for it if your alone and have time to kill andmiss me [Smiley Face] I always look forward to hearing from you though [Smiley Face] I have a lot more alone time that you do and if you know of a time when you are home alone, we can always set it up so we are emailing at the same time.I am so happy that we have connected again, however, there will be no parks involved and there is a line that I will keep you on the correct side of..lol

I love you!

[Next Day (D Day) I confronted her after after work when I had discovered the previous day's emails and the following, wish I knew about SI then]

My Wife:Are you ignoring me again????????? :p

OM:No!!I have been trying to get a chance to get on my e-mail and this is the first I've been able to.I thought I would be able to yesterday, but I couldn't from home.I'm really sorry to leave you hanging like that.

My Wife:It's okay, I think I am just a bit paranoid after the last go round :)

[Fin]

And that's when my world fell apart. Of course going through these emails I see a bunch of stuff I hadn't before about emotional only, thinking that was okay, and that she had even just got a treadmill back then and since then it's collected dust. Funny how we see the signs afterwards right?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

((((omgnome))))

Thanks DeadMumWalking. It's been awhile since I found all this, and there is a bit of my story to tell. Most of it is about entering into R and how that is gone. Things are better now, life has gone on.

I guess for anyone else reading this could I get your opinion. I admit I'm a bit naive and I know there is a bit of workplace or friendly flirting that can happen from time to time. This is not normal though right? I'm not overreacting when I call this an EA. I mean I know it's really only one day, but there was a past history (which I can't get a lot of concrete info about or answers from my wife). But it's still EAish right?

omgnome,

I am so sorry! If you're asking if this is an EA then the answer is a RESOUNDING YES. This is not "workplace flirting" Those emails really left me speechless and my heart aches for how you must have felt reading them. :-(

I read in another thread where you said your wife does not like to use the word "affair" with her situation, but let me tell you - I can't imagine ANY other word for what I read. She repeatedly tells him "I love you!" This is an EA of the tallest order and you should not let her shrug off the term. It is what it is.

oh yeah, it's an EA (minimum) for sure. No - it's not normal.

Do you talk (or text, or otherwise communicate) with female co-workers like that??

Didn't think so.

Just know - YOU'RE not the crazy one here.

I love you = not just flirting

I'd be all over you = not just flirting

Are you my boyfriend = not just flirting

Really, pick out just about anything in those emails and you can be sure it is Not just flirting.

IMHO, even if they were "just flirting," flirting is not appropriate at work. Flirting is not appropriate when either one of the parties is married or in a committed relationship. And it sure isn't appropriate when either of the participants' spouses don't know about it, when it is deliberately being kept secret.

Wonder what their boss would think of their use of work email accounts and work time.

Hugs, omgnome. Don't let her try to make you doubt yourself about this.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 5:01 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]

Wow... that is some crazy stuff.

At first your wife throws herself at him... he pushes her away. She throws herself harder, he takes the bait. He throws himself at her, she draws a line, crosses the line, draws another line... and it goes on and on.

This is totally an EA and I would bet money that if they had the chance, it would turn into a PA.

As I read your thread, all I could think was "they are covering their tracks before they even make the tracks".... like, if they get caught, they can say "we said right there in the emails, we weren't going to have sex".

So sorry you are here.

[This message edited by Harlowe at 9:36 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry!!!! This was hard for me to read without triggering.

The thing is....they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. They say "i love you".

This is an A. Screw the EA or PA of it. It's an affair, period. In fact, a very dangerous one because of all the talk of connections and making each other feel special, etc... That is taking away from their marriages.

If you don't want your spouse or mother to see what you wrote to someone of the opposite sex, it's gone too far. They don't want to communicate at home, etc... They know it's inappropriate.

It's an A, sex or not.

OMG, O. That exchange was HORRIFYING. My stbx is King Deleter, but I can know that all of his email/text exchanges were of a similar vein as what I just read.

Trigger City.

My WIfe: I know but I do love you so why not tell you, right?

OM: See? Screw it.Let's have an affair.

My Wife: No, I don’t want to have an affair with you. I want the entire package and that is not in the cards right now. So, if and when that could happen, then I’ll be all over it

Ick!

My Wife:I do but my husband also uses it, or at least checks it….. Maybe he doesn’t trust me….lol

OMG! Is she REALLY *laughing* at you because you don't *trust* her????

just some harmless flirting between her and her friend from work

I pulled ^^this^^ from your profile. I don't care if it's from OM#1 or OM#2. There is absolutetly NOTHING harmless about the way that your WW is engaging with these men. NOTHING!

You keep mentioning EA, EA. But with the multitude of *meeting at the park* references....that indicates that *something* physical happened at the park.

As I mentioned above, that exchange was just horrifying to read. Your WW needs to have a *come to Jesus* moment, or you need to kick her to the curb. The flirtatious manipulation that was occurring on BOTH sides was just disgusting.

I am sorry that you are going to have these words permanently *planted* in your brain. No spouse should EVER have to see that shit that was spoken to someone else. THAT is NOT a *marriage*.

you tell it gonnabe!

Brother, I read the same shitty e-mails between my XWW and her OM in the begining of their A. It starts out the same and trust me it escalated from there. 2 weeks into it they were screwing each others brains out. Id bet my left leg your WW would have done the same. Its typical WS handbook shit. They build up the sexual tension by playing these games. Its the first step into fantasyland. And if you read much around here you know where that goes. You caught her on the cusp of a physical A. And while you caught on before that happened it does not negate her intent. Think of it this way. If she was plotting to have you murdered and was caught before it happened. Her ass would be in jail just as quickly as if she succeeded. IMHO its intent thats important. And she certainly had that. Dont minimize what she did. Just because you caught on early does not mean this is a simple flirtation. This is way beyond flirting my friend. And she must be held accountable for her actions. Im also concerned about the short time you have been M. This could be a pattern she has posessed long before you M. Most people do not seek out A's that soon after getting M. Personally Id cut my losses and run. I only see further heartache down the road for you my friend. Unless she takes drastic action to fix herself I dont see her stopping until she fufills her fantasy. Better to sever ties now then wait till you have children or other commitments that will make leaving more difficult. She is very immature and does not understand the severity of her issues.

These two losers are going to be shagging each other within days.

you need to kill this affair stone dead. Now. they are talking about what good and faithful people they are, for fucks sake.

Throw her out of the house. Tell her you are seeing a lawyer about options for divorce. She "might" just wake up a bit. Don't beg or be nice. Don't let her back in once she starts crying. Give her some time in a hotel on her own to think about things.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:55 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

Damn it hurts reading that, seeing behind the curtain with such clarity. All of that is affair with a capital "A"... My God, they are exchanging "I love you's", ratcheting up the tension, deception, cake eating...

I can't tell you what path to take, but hope you find peace and happiness with or without her.

The fact that you can not get answers from her is worrisome. She needs to be honest, transparent and remorseful. It does not sound like she is any of those

Thank you everyone for your support and validation. I read a lot of other posts here and sometimes you wonder how they can't see what is happening. I guess that's why I asked to make sure I wasn't overreacting. I read these emails and it does scream to me affair and that I caught it before it became physical. Sometimes we let love cloud or judgement and help minimize what we actually see. My wife had actually asked me to delete all the emails I found. I have actually spent a day cataloging all the emails and placing them in chronological order. I didn't because I always knew that time could change/distort my perceptions of what I actually saw. It is good to have a record.

To answer the question above about which OM this was, it was #2. At the time I discovered this I had only seem a couple emails she shared with OM#1 which I thought were borderline. I had discovered them three months prior to finding all these emails, those I was able to forgive her easily when she said she had made a mistake and that she didn't realize how much it hurt me to see these. The 130 emails meant an extremely serious dialog had to be opened. When I'm able to properly write it out I will talk about what happened on D-Day and since then.

My wife has tried to answer my questions, but it seems that most of the time it's because I investigated and found out further information. Some of it she wrote down to me in a letter after I had asked for a timeline for two months, other information she claims she cannot remember. The trouble is I don't know if I can believe that she can't remember, she had promised so many times that I had all the information, that nothing was going on, and later I discovered she was just lying 'to not hurt me too much'.

So as of now I'm kind to my wife, not overly affectionate, and getting myself right. I try to eat better, exercise more, get some sleep, and am scheduling counseling. In a few more months I will take a look at who I am after the affair and whether I still fit in the marriage, if I can fully forget and forgive her for what I have been put through and if the marriage is the best place for me.

Ugh. That was very hard to read; I never saw any texts or emails, but I'm sure they were even worse due to PA. I'm so sorry.

SHE is the one who needs IC to figure out why she needs this attention & validation from other men. I would insist upon it! And you both should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I think you're going to have to get MUCH tougher on her - she needs to feel like she could lose you.

Sending you peace & strength~

Wow.

Where to start...

If I had to rephrase the posts between them it would be something like;

“Alas! Woe! Kindred souls! Our love is not meant to be! We are sacrificing our eternal love!”

All that’s missing is harp-music, white horses along the beach and a string-quartet.

It’s Hollywood, Red Romance type tripe.

Is it physical? Well – obviously something happened at the park. Who knows what but obviously they have tuned it down from then. For now…

I believe in total honesty (to a point…)

So early in the marriage and second OM… I would expose expose expose.

Print out the communications. Contact OMW. Let her know.

Work related? Well is there a HR department? Sure either of them might lose their jobs but that might be a key to saving the marriage. Job/marriage? Which is worth more?

(And then… it’s a relatively small case where HR fires people for these things. It’s mostly a discreet serious warning.)

Your wife. Simply tell her she has a choice. She is totally free to see OM (if he wants her after exposure) or she can commit to the marriage. But if she keeps on this behavior with OM she is by default ending the marriage. If she remains it’s because she CHOOSES to do so.

Spend time destroying ANY excuse she has for staying other than the basic reason: She wants to.

This early in a marriage divorce is “easy”.

This early in the marriage… second OM… deal with this NOW.

Finally: Not just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Read it – ask your wife to read it.

So as of now I'm kind to my wife, not overly affectionate, and getting myself right. I try to eat better, exercise more, get some sleep, and am scheduling counseling. In a few more months I will take a look at who I am after the affair and whether I still fit in the marriage, if I can fully forget and forgive her for what I have been put through and if the marriage is the best place for me.

What do you mean AFTER the affair? It's still going on and it's only going to get worse. your wife is going to pull whats left of the marriage down around you unless you do something about it now. Your wife is going to rip out your soul and you are in danger of letting her do it.

SHE needs to go into IC

SHE need start thinking about the future

YOU need to start laying down the law.

SHE needs to fight for YOU.

You CANNOT nice your wife back. you CANNOT love the marriage back into place. Love, care, being gentle, being understanding, those things are just going to be used as weapons against you.

You're in a fight for your marriage, and frankly for your heart. You can either ignore the problem for a few months. or step up and fight. your wife is trickle truthing you. telling you just enough, or just what she thinks you might already know. this will cotinue for as long as you allow it.

this is your life buddy. It's too short to put up with this sort of nonsense. You've been a good husband, a faithful man. You deserve better, and need to start remembering that. Right now you are just an obstacle in her life, something that stops her from being with the Oxygen thief she believes she is in love with. they are laughing at you, clearly, openly. you're better than them. Time to make them realise it.

Read the 180 in the healing library and stick to it like glue. she needs to look at you and think "Oh shit I shouldn't have cheated on him" rather than laughing at you. that change can happen. I saw it in my own wife when she started to realise just how strong I was. she suddenly felt very weak, suddenly felt the weakness of her actions and choices. they wiull see that through strength, not thorugh displays of love. She doesn't want displays of thoughtfulness from you. She doesn't give a shit about you.

Fight for your marriage. Please don't make the mistake so many make of waiting to see what will happen and end up back here broken and distraught.

Honestly, omgnome I don't even know why you want to fight so hard for this woman. You weren't even married 3 months and she was already inappropriate with OM #1. You called her out on it and then 3 months after that she was doing it again (and WAY WORSE) with #2. This is NOT a woman who has good character or values or who even takes you seriously! When you look at the times frames mentioned in her email exchange it is clear that her flirtation with OM #2 goes way back over a year. This is pretty much during the whole time she is supposed to be loving YOU and promising to be with YOU ONLY for the rest of her life!

I would not wait a few months to think it over. What's going to change in a few months except that she gets to sweep everything under the rug and hope you weaken your resolve to hold her accountable? Please, please, please see a good IC and ask yourself why you would settle for a woman who disrespects you in such a way.

You deserve so much more

((omgnome))

To address concerns regarding post discovery. I'll go into further detail later when I have a chance to flesh it out more.

I confronted her and told her that in no uncertain terms I view this as cheating, and that if it happens again we will be divorced no matter what. She promised to be fully transparent and has, she has had two bits of contact with him at work, and had told me immediately when she had. They work in the same building, but work in different departments on different schedules. She tells me anytime she has to change a password and has let me know what the new password is. She has also made efforts around the house and in our relationship to make things better between us.

Another rule I told her is that she has to get IC, I plan on getting it myself. I told her that I am working to heal myself and I am my own top priority. I told her that she has to get IC, it has to be done in order for me to consider staying in the marriage.

I have alerted the OMW as best I can, I tried facebook but never got a response, I combed through a year's worth of text and cell phone bills (I created an access database) and have identified over 300 telephone numbers that have been called and have verified all but maybe 10 numbers. All of them check out to be family/friends I know (proper friends) or salesman or the doctor, etc. I also discovered OM#1's number via this and gave him a piece of my mind, although I can't alert his SO as he is single. I also through some sleuthing discovered OM2's wife's name and tried every number I found listed but it didn't work. I found an old email address she used (uses her maiden name) and she responded to me with that so I think she is informed.

I have given myself until spring to decide whether I want to stay in the marriage or not. I have had to take AD and want to make sure that my head is clear enough to make a rational decision. I know it's possible for her to rugsweep and hide evidence in the meantime, but I think I've managed to get all the evidence I possibly could. I know it's a long while, but I still care deeply for my wife even after all she has done, and I know I don't have to but I don't want to leave her in a financial lurch when I leave. We are converting part of our house so that her parents can move in and pay rent, that will be completed in the spring. I know I don't have to care how she ends up financially, but the type of person I am won't let me just leave her hanging like that. I guess I'm too damn nice even when she stomped on my heart.

For those saying I should kick her out of the house, the trouble is it's her house, and she has a son she brought to the marriage. When we got married we each had a house, but I let mine go into foreclosure due to being unable to rent it out and being too far underwater on the mortgage after the housing bubble collapsed. I figure if we can do the divorce amicably then I won't pursue the house. Plus I currently live 1.5-2 hours away from work so I would just rent an apartment closer to work (the gas I save from not commuting would basically pay for the apartment).

And just to reiterate, I am taking care of myself, and putting myself first. In the spring I'll make the decision based upon my feelings, wants, desires and how she has changed and steps she has made to fix her issues whether or not I want to stay.