SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post here. The site was recommended to me by a couple other posters elsewhere. I am a cheating husband. The title of this post is something my wife has told me so many times through our relationship. Don't ever cheat on me.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years. We have a son and a daughter and we are expecting our second son in January. Our marriage has been plagued with trust issues from my wife and we have had some problems with intimacy and we had been really, truly growing apart.

In August I met a younger woman while my wife and I were out. We had a really good talk while waiting for a table at a restaurant and I shamelessly flirted with her while my wife was waiting in the car. I saw her later that night and she gave me her number and texted me the same day.

My wife actually saw the text messages she sent me that night and lost her mind. She yelled at me and accused me of cheating on her and cried and we fought over it. I acted like I deleted OW's number but I was just angry at my wife. I was angry she was accusing me of cheating, again without merit. I snapped and I just didn't care anymore.

I asked OW out on a date a week later and we had a good time and within a week we were having sex. The affair was like a normal dating relationship but heightened. OW knew I was married and I didn't hide it from her but I didn't bring it up either. OW was like a drug to me. She was so into me it was addicting. After three weeks of us being together she told me she loved me and that she would wait for me to leave my wife if I wanted to.

I ended up panicking once she said that and called off the affair but it restarted after a week. We went through that pattern for a couple weeks of me getting scared and guilty and ignoring her and then her freaking out on me and us getting back together. The affair has been going on for a little over 9 weeks as of now. I've not had the OW in my bedroom but she has come to our house. She has been in my jeep many, many times. I've kept her hidden as best I can from my life and I haven't told anyone about the affair, except for another forum I posted on.

I'm scared OW won't let the affair end. She sends me I love you texts three, four times a day. Which is something I do enjoy hearing from a selfish point of view. Its a feeling like none other that she loves me and wants me so much. Especially in comparison to my wife who hasn't even wanted to kiss me in months. The sex with OW was unbelievable and the attention felt great. She has her own issues and she is massively insecure and way too young for me. I don't think we can or should be together.

I want the affair to end and I don't want to be this person anymore. I've never cheated on my wife before this. I feel so guilty. I don't want to lose our family and I don't want OW to out me to my wife. I can't end the affair on my own and go back to my wife. I don't feel confident in my ability to just abandon OW. I think the only way the affair ends is if I confess.

But I am so scared and terrified my wife will hate me and will divorce me. My wife has said more times than I can remember if I ever cheat on her she will divorce me. She hates cheaters. She has been hurt in the past and I hate myself for doing this to her. I want to believe she will stay with me, if its only for our kids but I don't know. Is there any hope for our marriage. I am willing to cut OW out of my life entirely, go to counseling, and do anything and everything my wife asks of me.

Hi CheaterNoah,

Besides the fact that it sounds like you have no choice, you need to tell your BW everything.

She will make the choice whether or not to offer you the gift of R, but you don't get to make that decision for her. You need to do the right thing and tell her. You need to cut off all contact with OW. Change your number so she can't contact you after you tell your wife. Send a no contact letter if you and your wife decide together that it's what she wants.

My BH told me he would never tolerate my cheating on him. We are over 5 years out from d-day and fully reconciled. A person doesn't know what they'll do until they're in a situation.

The first order of the day is complete honesty. Tell her the truth about everything, be prepared for the worst reaction you can possibly imagine and be ready to be humble and suck it up. But, nothing can happen until you tell her the truth.

Welcome to SI, sorry you find yourself here but glad you found us, you sound in need of some hard truth.

You need to tell your BW everything and I do mean everything. When you confess do not hold back truth because you feel ashamed, do not want to hurt her more, or feel like it's something she does not need to know. You need to confess, the guilt is there already and she deserves to know that you have been lying to her.

Also the tone of your post reads to me like the confession will be what you need to end the affair. Don't do that to her, man up and find the resolution and strength in yourself to end it because if you don't have the strength for that even though you know it's something you need to do you may not have the strength you're going to NEED if she decides to reconcile with you. Do not use her as a tool to end a situation you placed yourself in. Also stop blaming her, your wife has no fault in your cheating role, you got mad at her for being angry that you were sending flirty texts to a woman you just met while your wife was waiting in the car for you. Do you honestly think she didn't have a right to be mad at that? You want the affair to end but you like the I love you texts. Please go to the yellow box on the left hand and click on the healing library. Read the articles there about the fog. Actually read all these:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/fog.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/details.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/letter.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

Read those for starters and when you get the chance read the rest that's up there. They all give great information but you need to snap out of it.

Lastly the one rule my BBF and I had in our 10 year relationship was don't cheat. We both said many time we would leave the other if that ever happened and it did, I was the idiot who did it and he forgave me and gave me the gift of R. Understand that it is a gift that does not have to be given but you do not know for sure what your W will say because no one knows what their decision will be unless placed in the situation as aunthenticnow said.

Most importantly though is to suck it up and end it and confess. Both must be done, ASAP. If she is willing to work it out introduce her to this site. She's going to need support.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:50 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]

If I could end this affair on my own without confessing and know it wouldn't come out I would do that. People have told me to end the affair on my own and save my wife the pain. Maybe I'm being selfish in thinking telling her will end it. I know if I saw her pain and anger it would be over. I feel like its almost guaranteed that the OW will tell my wife if I don't. I don't know what the chances are but it seems like she'll do something stupid.

Also stop blaming her, your wife has no fault in your cheating role, you got mad at her for being angry that you were sending flirty texts to a woman you just met while your wife was waiting in the car for you. Do you honestly think she didn't have a right to be mad at that? You want the affair to end but you like the I love you texts.

At the time when my wife was angry I wasn't sending any texts. The texts were literally just OW's name and something like it was great talking to you and we should hang out sometime. I hadn't texted anything to OW. So I think I was right to feel offended that my wife was responding like she did. I didn't cheat when she was yelling at me. That is a pattern in our relationship. She has accused me so many times of cheating and this is honestly the only time I've ever cheated. It builds resentment that I think led to my affair.

I know what I did was wrong and that I hurt a lot of people. I'm not at all trying to defend my actions. I hurt my wife and our children. I hurt OW who despite her flaws is basically a good person who just got a little too attached. I've lied to OW more times than I want to admit. Her obsessed with you routine is a little annoying at this point but the affection comes from a good place. She deserves better. And I'm ashamed of how I treated her. How I treated my own wife. I've never been this type of person.

Thank you for the links Unagie. I will read them tonight.

I'm hopeful my wife will be like your spouses. I do think its so different in the moment than talking abstractly. I really want to believe that if I beg her and plead with her and do whatever we need to rebuild that she will consider giving me another chance. We've struggled for so long and we've put too much into our family to quit. I will forever hate myself if this mistake costs our kids their home. I have to keep the faith that she'll give me another chance. If she is kind enough to consider reconciliation, I won't let her down.

CheaterNoah, your AP(affair partner) is NOT basically a good person. Any person that pursues any kind of relationship with a married person is a selfish malicious person. The fact that she knew from the beginning that you are married makes her the basest of evils.

who despite her flaws is basically a good person who just got a little too attached. I've lied to OW more times than I want to admit. Her obsessed with you routine is a little annoying at this point but the affection comes from a good place. She deserves better. And I'm ashamed of how I treated her. How I treated my own wife. I've never been this type of person.

This sounds like a good person, until you also look at

OW knew I was married and I didn't hide it from her but I didn't bring it up either.

The fact is that you are being self serving. You are being selfish. You are guilty for what you've done. great. tell me, what would you do if your wife, who has not chosen to cheat on you while going through the same marriage that you're in, came to you and told you that she was sleeping with someone else? Get out of the fog. It is going to hurt, but whether she chooses to take you back, or burns your stuff on the lawn, the choice is hers and the only honorable thing that you have left to do is end it with OW and confess to your BS.

CheaterNoah, your AP(affair partner) is NOT basically a good person. Any person that pursues any kind of relationship with a married person is a selfish malicious person. The fact that she knew from the beginning that you are married makes her the basest of evils.

She is 20. So some (maybe a lot of it) is because of that I think. I don't think she did it out of selfishness... it was just she didn't care

I'm not going to defend her but she isn't evil. I won't make this about her. If anything I've been worse to her than I have been to my wife. I've been so passive aggressive with OW and I've been mean to her and just an awful, awful person. I promised her like two weeks I wouldn't end the affair anytime soon and now I'm going to end it this week. I've messed with her so much and hurt her so much. I can't in good faith make her the bad person. And she does have her flaws. She is obsessed with me and borderline crazy. I'm scared for her once the affair is over.

I'm scared for my wife too and how she is going to take it. I'm scared for anything this stupidity might to do to our baby with stress. I've made so many mistakes.

Get out of the fog. It is going to hurt, but whether she chooses to take you back, or burns your stuff on the lawn, the choice is hers and the only honorable thing that you have left to do is end it with OW and confess to your BS.

I don't think I'm in the "fog". I have clarity right now. OW is not some demon bitch but she isn't some great girl either. I know that. I know the affair is over and its time to confess. Right now I've avoided OW and I'm basically just ignoring her. I want to confess to my BW soon... like this week and then see where to go. If my wife is willing I will do anything to make our marriage work.

I'm not going to defend her but she isn't evil. I won't make this about her. If anything I've been worse to her than I have been to my wife. I've been so passive aggressive with OW and I've been mean to her and just an awful, awful person. I promised her like two weeks I wouldn't end the affair anytime soon and now I'm going to end it this week. I've messed with her so much and hurt her so much. I can't in good faith make her the bad person. And she does have her flaws. She is obsessed with me and borderline crazy. I'm scared for her once the affair is over.

I'm scared for my wife too and how she is going to take it. I'm scared for anything this stupidity might to do to our baby with stress. I've made so many mistakes.

Not to be mean but you're defending her. She is not evil no but you are defending her to us by saying you were passive aggressive to her, mean to her, made her promises you are not going to honor and are scared for her sanity. What about your wife's sanity or yours? I know BBF was not in a good place after DDay that was obvious but me, I snapped when I confessed. I am not telling you this to discourage confessing and even if you ended it with AP you still need to tell your W or live a constant lie that will eat you alive. I am telling you this to show you how bad it can get. I started scratching my arms until welts appeared and they would burn for hours. When the burning went away I did it again, I started smoking again to stop scratching but then I was doing both. I hit myself in the side of the head when I talked about the A for the first week like I was trying to knock memories lose. I cried constantly, could hold nothing down to the point where I was throwing up blood. I couldn't sleep woke up screaming in terror for a month, anxiety attacks constantly, short of breath dizzy, pounding heart out of nowhere. Sometimes I was numb, sometimes I'd just start crying in the middle of doing something, no warning. It was HORRIBLE, and in that time do you think I cared what NC was doing to OM. NO!! I saw him after DDay,(BBF knows about this) there was no way to avoid it he was a coworker and had gotten promoted and needed to sign off on paperwork for our department, I was in charge of it. He tried telling me then that NC was hard on him and I laughed in his face, who gives a rat ass if it's hard on you, you have no idea what it's been like for my BBF or me! Why do you give a crap about how OW will react, she knew you were married, knew the consequences of getting involved, she chose her path just as surely as you chose yours.

I'm sorry but it frustrates me that you say you are not in the fog but admit to still liking her telling you she loves you and still defending her because she's not evil, she's young and you feel she'll go crazy. Maybe you are thinking with some clarity due to the guilt but you are not all the way out of the fog sir please keep digging and see that. BTW at 20 years old I sure as hell knew what it would mean to get involved with a married man, give me a break she's an adult she knows what consequences are, she's young not stupid. Also be careful with the whole I'm crazy thing, it can be a ruse to make you stay in her life because she wants you to feel sorry for her. I don't mean to sound harsh but some of the things you said just really make no darn sense when it comes to you wanting to be honest and fix this with your wife.

I want to confess to my BW soon... like this week and then see where to go. If my wife is willing I will do anything to make our marriage work.

Do this sooner then later. Each day is just going to make it more hurtful and harder to say. I confessed three months after it got physical. Two oral acts within a 3 day period. After that I stopped it and felt like the biggest piece of crap but I was a coward. I feel like the fact that I waited three months made it worse for him. The longer you wait the longer they were lied to. Do this ASAP, please read, get counseling even if she does not want R you need to heal yourself and the issues in you that allowed you to do this to someone you care about. Get the help and we will be here when you confess because I know I said your W will need support but you will too.

[This message edited by Unagie at 11:50 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]

I was angry she was accusing me of cheating, again without merit. I snapped and I just didn't care anymore.

Do you know what a "dry drunk" is? That is someone who has not worked through his demons and when the perfect storm happens, he gives in.

That is what your wife has observed about you all these years. You were not actively cheating, but you had the mindset and you were waiting to let the monster out.

Be very honest with yourself... Were you being a safe husband all these years? Not flirting with other women, not deliberately testing your wife by not bring where you were supposed to be? Were you using your indignation as a technique to throw her off?

My BS sent me a text tonight while I was at work about your post. She suggested I PM you and give you advice. After reading your story an seeing the replies, my advice is going to be out in the open.

Your story has undertones of mine. First of all your AP is borderline crazy. So what makes you think she's not going to call your BW and tell her? If you think she won't guess again. Mine did. Do I ever wish I told my BS before she was told by the OW.

Secondly I had the same feelings as you did. I loved the way I was complimented by my AP. you think it's going to be easy just to walk away? I may not be. I thought it would be and I kept going back. Time after time until it was over three years long. Try and fix things then. It's way harder.

In the land of ice cream and lollipops we would all love to get away with not hurting our BS. The thing is its already happened. She will find out. May not be today' may not be tomorrow. She will. Mine always did no matter what I did. She finds out everything. There now is not a part of my life that is hidden from her.

Adding a comment made from my BS about your situation is that if she knew I was making this much of an effort at the beginning things would be much different. Tell your wife. You made your bed now lie in it.

Unagie, I feel awful about the cheating but I'm still really confused about things. I know the affair was wrong but I know why I had it. For a while it was so exhilarating and amazing. Which I'm not sure I should say but its the truth. I'm not sure if I have the same level of self-hatred over this. The idea of losing my family over this, this fling kills me. The stress of this double life is taking a toll and I panic about the thought of OW saying something. But I don't know that I'm breaking down.

My affair was more active than yours. It went on for 9 weeks and there were dozens of encounters. So its not a one-off or two-off. Maybe it would be better for us if it was but it was more involved. I can't even look back and say I hated every moment or anything because that would be a lie. There were moments during when I was happier than I've been in years. I know its a bit of an illusion but I think those feelings then were real.

I'm not sure what to feel about OW. I don't hate her and I can't put all the blame on her. Yes, she knew I was married. She even saw my wife the day we met and still wanted to spend time with me and gave me her number. So that is damning. Its not like she is blameless. And I don't wanna act like she is innocent or a child. But she opened herself up to me and I know she had real feelings towards me and I know she cares about me and thinks she loves me. Its hard to just ignore that. This stuff is complicated.

Do you know what a "dry drunk" is? That is someone who has not worked through his demons and when the perfect storm happens, he gives in.

That is what your wife has observed about you all these years. You were not actively cheating, but you had the mindset and you were waiting to let the monster out.

Be very honest with yourself... Were you being a safe husband all these years? Not flirting with other women, not deliberately testing your wife by not bring where you were supposed to be? Were you using your indignation as a technique to throw her off?

I think that is kind of true. I wasn't actively cheating. I've never kissed another woman than my wife in our 10 years together until OW. So there was genuinely no cheating.

Flirting.... some here and there. I don't think she knew about it though. She was accusing me without merit for so long. That messes with you. It breeds resentment and this almost "fuck it" mentality that I had. She had no right to accuse me of cheating the many, many times she did.

I wasn't cheating so I was legitimately angry. I'm not sure what it says that she hasn't suspected anything when I am cheating after all the accusations.

But I did have the mentality for a couple years now that if I could have an affair, it might not be the worst idea. Then she showed up and it happened.

First of all your AP is borderline crazy. So what makes you think she's not going to call your BW and tell her? If you think she won't guess again. Mine did. Do I ever wish I told my BS before she was told by the OW.

No, I'm actually pretty sure she will tell. She is a little unpredictable as is and once I end it she will be furious too. Its a bad combination and I can't afford to have her be the one telling my wife. So that is why I am trying to get ahead of this.

Secondly I had the same feelings as you did. I loved the way I was complimented by my AP. you think it's going to be easy just to walk away? I may not be. I thought it would be and I kept going back. Time after time until it was over three years long. Try and fix things then. It's way harder.

I think in some ways I am (was?) addicted to OW's attention. My wife barely spends any time concerned about me - she has so much to focus on and our marriage is a lower priority. With OW, I am her #1 priority (or at least it feels like that). At first that can be so so fulfilling. To be cared about that much. To know she will do anything I want and that she loves me. But I know what we had wasn't real and its not a comparison to everything my wife and I have together.

I've done the we're over and go back routine a couple times already now. Its why I think I have to confess. Otherwise this could go on for way too long. Appreciate the advice man.

I wasn't actively cheating. I've never kissed another woman than my wife in our 10 years together until OW. So there was genuinely no cheating.

Cheating happens before kissing.

You did not answer my questions. Were you the kind of husband that your wife knew would not flirt at parties? Did your wife feel safe that you would not humiliate her in front of other people? Did you check out other women overtly?

CheaterNoah,

Listen to UnexpecteSong and think about what she is saying. She mentioned in some of my posts about my entitlement issues. I think you have issues with that BIG time. I recognize them in you as I felt the same way many times.

I had an affair with a younger co-worker and she was crazy about me. We never had intercourse, but had sexual intimacy and it went back and forth for over four years. Some times I almost thought I could get by without telling my BSO because I thought it was over. Then she would contact me and it would start up again. Even when she had moved out of state for a new position and we could only talk on the phone. It would be a month since I heard from her then she would call to check up on me and it would start my cheating mind back up and the guilt and living with the lies would come back.

I finally confessed when she moved back into our area and contact had started back up again. I knew I couldn't go on living the lie and I also knew my girlfriend would eventually find out.

I feel good that at least I was the one that told her. As a matter of fact she thanked me for that and sent me out the door. I felt good to get it off my chest and of course felt horrible about what I had done to her, but THAT part was over now and I knew I wanted her more than ever and was hoping she could forgive me if I showed her how sorry I was and that I could change. It's been hard to convince her of that and I have been working on it ever since DDay, but still have to work on it every day for us.

Like the others have said you can't put it off. It won't go away on it's own. Step up to the plate! It will be the start of a new direction that is scary as hell, but it's the only way. Believe me it will be better than where you are now no matter what happens.

And one last thing. You are definitely in THE FOG! You will know soon. I felt the exact same way you did about the OW as far as her role and I can't believe it now after all I've learned in these past four and almost five years. Do it! You won't regret it no matter what happens.

There were moments during when I was happier than I've been in years. I know its a bit of an illusion but I think those feelings then were real.

You need to look at this statement. Of course you were happier, you weren't dealing with any real life issues when you were with her. It was all about fun. Not kids, bills or stress. That isn't real.

Read what Unexpected Song wrote to you, and really think about it. When we have a wayward mentality, our spouses know that, they pick up on it and zero in on it. Your wife knew instinctively that she could not trust you. You showed her that, somewhere along the line. By you saying that you were angry due to her accusing you so much and this is why you did it, you are putting the blame in her lap. Before you talk to your wife you might want to get it straight that she holds no blame in your decision to do this. You had other options. Marriage counseling, for one.

Most spouses say that cheating is a deal breaker, my H and I said that to each other, and yet here we are. You need to let her know what has been going on in her life. After all you have been making decisions in her life that she has had no knowledge of. She deserves to know now.

You need to do this soon. And you will need to go full No contact with the other woman when you tell her. I have a feeling she is not going to make it easy on you and your wife. I hope that you make the decision soon.

My wife barely spends any time concerned about me - she has so much to focus on and our marriage is a lower priority.

I thought the same thing about my H - turns out he didn't know he was competing against the OM.

Also, you have 2 kids and one on the way so of course you feel that your a low priority. But I bet her feeling for you haven't changed one bit.

With OW, I am her #1 priority (or at least it feels like that). At first that can be so so fulfilling. To be cared about that much. To know she will do anything I want and that she loves me.

What does the OW expect from you? If she is in love with you then I am sure she expects more then you would like to admit. She certainly won't do anything for you if your worried about the fallout of breaking ties with her.

Hey cheater Noah,

I'm going to bump a thread I wrote about affair confessions.. I hope there is something in there that could help bring clarity to why you need to confess everything

Again I'm going to make a comment. The reason why is that I wish I had found a site like this when I was nine weeks in. I wish I realized how I was going to screw up my life like you have. I wish I had been hit with a 2X4.

Of course you don't want to lose what you have. Who would? The thing is you've made this choice for whatever reason. Sure it's an ego boost. Sure it will make you feel loved. You must though think of the real reason. You may say it is because of your wifes inattentiveness. She's raising your children and looking after the household amongst other things. What have you done to show her you love her? Have you gone out of your way? You may want to be shown obvious signs of love like hugging, kissing, kudos, and other sorts. Does she do your laundry? Does she cool meals for you? Does she look after you when you're sick? If so this is the way she is showing her love for you. This is what I took for granted and didn't see it as an act of love. I was looking for it in a different way now look where I am.

Your AP will show you what you think you want to see. She knows that. For her to be willing to do what she's doing she has to be one up on your wife. Since she doesn't know what your wife is really like she's going to do everything she can to make you feel good.

I can't make a comment on having the A out of anger. Mine wasn't. I can only relate your similar points to mine. One thing I will say is if you want help you must listen to our advice. We have been through this already and can tell you what we've experienced. I'm taking an interest in this because I would hate to see someone I could have helped make the same mistake as me. So tell your wife before she does because its a ton easier to deal with it that way. Mine said she would have left me if I cheated but we are still together. It's going to be a hard R in my case due to the length and the fact the OW told her. These things I wish I could have changed. I can't but you can.

I agree with what everyone else has said.

You have to confess if you want to save your marriage. I think if I had confessed to everything up front, i would have saved my marriage. I did not. I lied, hid the truth, TT'd, I did everything wrong.

I would suggest that you do it in a safe environment, maybe a MC's office. That might help your wife handle the news a little better.

I would also suggest that you work up a timeline and have it ready for her, with all details, dates, things that were said, etc. Not sure if your wife will want to know all of those details, but she might, and you doing that work upfront will show her how serious you are about R.

I will add this. Reading your post makes me question how much you want R, or at least the hard work to make true R work. Don't take this the wrong way, but the way you talk about your AP worries me. It sounds a lot like I did after my first A. You don't have to hate your AP, but you really shouldn't care about your AP. After my first A was found out I could not let go of AP. I took the A underground until AP moved away. I never got 'over' AP the way I should have, so when she moved back to town and contacted me, we picked up an EA that went on for 5 years.

You need to worry more about your BW now instead of what happens to AP once you end things. you use the word love to describe what your AP feels for you. You need to look at this. It is not love. True love does not look like this. That is all I will say about that.

Best of luck. I hope you take the advice that everyone is giving you here.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel about OW. I care about her and I want her to be happy. I know that she can't be happy with me. She deserves better than being my girlfriend/mistress/whatever. Its hard for me to be at the place that I guess I'm supposed to be at. She does so many things that my wife doesn't do or stopped doing. I can call OW and just drone on about my day and she'll listen to me. She doesn't know me as well as my wife but she wants to be there for me. I don't think my wife feels that way about me.

OW isn't without her issues and I'm not trying to say she is perfect but I don't think she is just evil. I can't think of her that way. I know she chose to be with me knowing I was married and doesn't care about my wife. But is it her job to? She can be crazy and when its good its so good and when its bad she can be awful to be around. So I do have open eyes about her. I'm just saying the truth is that its complicated. She was a good person to me. She does care about me and I can't deny that or act like that is her being selfish. I think it comes from a good place.

You did not answer my questions. Were you the kind of husband that your wife knew would not flirt at parties? Did your wife feel safe that you would not humiliate her in front of other people? Did you check out other women overtly?

Not the kind of husband to flirt at parties. I flirted occasionally at work or with friends but nothing ever happened. My Wife should have felt safe and I would never humiliate her publicly. with "checking out overtly" I am probably guilty. But that isn't cheating.

I was a faithful husband. I didn't do anything with any other women until OW.

I feel good that at least I was the one that told her. As a matter of fact she thanked me for that and sent me out the door. I felt good to get it off my chest and of course felt horrible about what I had done to her, but THAT part was over now and I knew I wanted her more than ever and was hoping she could forgive me if I showed her how sorry I was and that I could change. It's been hard to convince her of that and I have been working on it ever since DDay, but still have to work on it every day for us.

Zoro, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. That my BW will kick me the fuck out of our house once I confess.

Maybe I can try talking to OW but I don't know how I could get her to back off without promising something I can't deliver. She has hinted before that she would wait for me, but I can't do that to my wife and keep her in the back waiting forever. I don't think OW would be loyal to me if I dumped her.

I really do want to stay married to my wife. Our marriage isn't perfect but I think we could do a lot to improve it together. We have our kids to consider too. I'm just so unsure if she will want to try. And if I want the affair to end confessing is really my only option.

What does the OW expect from you? If she is in love with you then I am sure she expects more then you would like to admit. She certainly won't do anything for you if your worried about the fallout of breaking ties with her.

OW doesn't expect that much from me. Its as if I was dating someone so the usual commitments that come with that. Its nothing ridiculous. I'm very flakey with her and she puts up with it. I listen to her, I try to make her laugh, and I try to be supportive of her. We have good fun together if you know what I mean. That is the relationship pretty much.

I'm worried about fallout because I've lied to her so much and she is bound to snap. She has freaked out on me in the past with some of the most childish stunts. She has tried to make me jealous of her more than once (even though I am married... why the hell would I be jealous?). I think with her she will just be furious that I lied, again. And she is going to be unpredictable and that is why as much as I loathe the idea of confessing, I have to.

I'm going to bump a thread I wrote about affair confessions.. I hope there is something in there that could help bring clarity to why you need to confess everything

Thanks! It was very helpful actually and something I've been looking for. Not too many FAQ out here for cheaters. So thanks.

Of course you don't want to lose what you have. Who would? The thing is you've made this choice for whatever reason. Sure it's an ego boost. Sure it will make you feel loved. You must though think of the real reason. You may say it is because of your wifes inattentiveness. She's raising your children and looking after the household amongst other things. What have you done to show her you love her? Have you gone out of your way? You may want to be shown obvious signs of love like hugging, kissing, kudos, and other sorts. Does she do your laundry? Does she cool meals for you? Does she look after you when you're sick? If so this is the way she is showing her love for you. This is what I took for granted and didn't see it as an act of love. I was looking for it in a different way now look where I am.

The thing is I've been trying so hard out of guilt the past month and my wife has wanted no part. Its like she wants us to be distant. She does other things to show me she loves me and she takes care of our family which is an act of love too.

Its hard sometimes when OW's acts of love are so tangible whereas my wife's acts of love are not really easily recognizable. Its easy for me to think OW is amazing when its probably not true. I get that. I do. I don't think OW is perfect and I know she is so flawed.

Thank you for all the suggestions and advice on confessing and what to do, what not to do. Its all been very helpful. I'm going to take a few days to think it over and make sure I'm making the right decision and making sure I do it right.

[This message edited by CheaterNoah at 4:57 PM, November 12th (Monday)]

what I'm afraid of. That my BW will kick me the fuck out of our house once I confess.

You're still protecting YOU. She may very well kick you out - remember, there are consequences to all of our actions. Let go of the control - you cannot control this outcome. You can, however, control how you handle yourself.

CheaterNoah,

Just to let you know my girlfriend kicked me out and wouldn't answer my calls, but she let me talk to her within a week and we have been working on it ever since. We have no children together and she still gave me another chance. I think the children will make your wife think twice about ending your relationship without letting you fight for her if you can show her how sorry you are and don't TT like I did and many others here have told you they did. That will hold you back. You may have to spend some time alone,but don't give up and keep fighting for her. She will come around if she can believe you want to change and that you can go NC immediately.

Good luck and think how your life would be without your wife and kids and even more importantly how screwed up it would be if you were with the OW with all the problems that go along with real life. Really...think about it. You know what you need to do.